AIBU - 12 year old, leavers party, clothes

[Bathsheba]

My 12.5 yo DD1 is NOT INTO CLOTHES. Or ANYTHING GIRLY.

It is her primary school leavers party next week and, frankly, I think this would be a good time for her to realise that, sometimes, you need to wear clothes to fit the occassion.

She will never be one of the girls getting highlights, and fake tan and manicures - and thats okay - not a problem.

But I do think that - as we have delayed our holiday so she can go to this party (we normally leave as soon as school finishes - literally 3:30 but this year we are leaving at 8pm), and as a local business man has paid a lot of money to put on a "No expenses spared" party for them...and as a lot of the mums are volunteering to go and decorate the venue (not me sadly - I'm working at the school)...that she could wear something other then her plan of "stained joggers and an oversized man's tshirt".

I don't expect a ball gown - I absolutely don't - but I gave her the Next Summer Catalogue to look through (women's and girls sections) - she put it down after literally 10 seconds and said "no - nothing I want to wear".

I would like her to wear something like this

www.next.co.uk/girls/older-girls/festival-girl/12

or

www.next.co.uk/girls/older-girls/mono/5

She is very emotional at the moment - worried about secondary, not wanting to go on family holiday etc etc - but I really do think that it is really disrespectful for her to turn up to an expensive party that a lot of people have worked hard on looking like this

lastexittoricklesburgh.com/the-tramps-arsehole/

There are some events - weddings, funerals, parties, graduations - where you can't wear what you are necessarily comfortable in every day - I'd never force make up or hair up-dos on her, but something nice - surely..

AIBU (and does anyone have any outfit suggestions - she is a pretty, athletic girl...)

[Beeziekn33ze]

Insan - thanks, I'll be looking in H&M!

[Bathsheba]

Wankers - no idea at all why but she said no to the long sleeved top....

[insan1tyscartching]

Beezie you are welcome,dd has ASD and numerous sensory issues so clothes have to feel right to her. She tends to wear traveller pants all summer and joggers or jeggings when it's cold. She doesn't like any skin exposed so has lots of t shirts that she wears with either a checked or denim shirt worn as a jacket.She seems to fit in with her friends dressed as she does anyway which is important to her at least,

[insan1tyscartching]

Bathsheba would she wear a t shirt with a checked shirt open like a jacket?That's how dd dresses and she has sensoryissues which it sounds tome like your dd does too.

[DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen]

Have you posted about your dd and clothes before OP, sounds very familiar.

She's 12, let her wear whatever she likes. At ds's prom there was a mix of casual, smart and full length dresses. All perfectly fine as it was a school prom. Lots of girls wore leggings and nice tops.

Give her a budget if she wants something new and LEAVE HER TO IT. Just don't get involved, if she can't find something then she will have to wear something she already has.

[tattychicken]

Was just about to post the same! My DD is very similar, and we manage with H and M's organic cotton range, with leggings/joggers/t shirts, and then some brushed cotton checked shirts from Sainsburys over the top. I find something she likes and then buy it in different colours. I would get replacement versions as near to her original joggers etc as I could, as a general wardrobe update rather than " for the party". If you did it nowish they should be worn and comfortable by the party, rather than tatty and stained.

[Bathsheba]

Hi Dame

Definitely haven't posted about dd before - normally we are fine with her clothes - Heck, I buy them all....

There must be a few of them

[Savemefromwine]

She needs to learn to compromise. It's a life skill and 12 is the right time. Leggings and a nice top is fine. Stained joggers is not.

Also the melt down does sound a bit immature for 12? I wouldn't pander to this op. My older sister was like this and is a bloody nightmare still at 56 as my parents pandered to her.

Tell get straight she's reasonably smart and clean or she doesn't party. End of.

[DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen]

Save - immature for a 12 year old? You either don't have one or have been very lucky so far! Pre teens and teens are known for reverting back to the terrible twos while their hormones are raging.

[SmilingButClueless]

If your daughter is tall enough to wear women's clothes, Sainsbury's have some quite nice longer-length T-shirts in at the moment, either plain or patterned. Might be an alternative to oversized men's T-shirts.

(I think I was your daughter at 12. I still miss Sweater Shop.)

[Bathsheba]

We have a really good shopping centre in town with everything from New Look and H&M to Hollister via Next and Top Shop - I have said to her to use her tablet to search for something she is willing to wear but she isn't "going to waste her time looking for clothes"....so we might use Sunday afternoon to go shopping with a bit if time pressure

[nonline]

If the leavers' 'balls' round here are anything to go by, she's going to stand out even in smart trousers and top. I can understand wanting to teach appropriateness, but that's for funerals/weddings/interviews, not school parties.

Let her go in what she likes; she may feel silly when she gets there (or alternatively learn nothing and have a great time). Either way, sounds like the holiday and moving school are already enough for her to cope with.

At 12 I started my periods and entered the world of peers leg-shaving and showing belly buttons, none of which I was remotely ready for and my mum pushing clothes on me would not have helped.

[Crispbutty]

Try river island. They do good dressy sporty gothy stuff

[MachiKoro]

My dd often wears plain black (boys)trousers from H&M with a boys shirt from gap- they have nice plaid and Oxford ones.
The rest of the time she looks like the boden catalogue
There's no in between for her.

[Bathsheba]

Just to say, normally I'm impressed by her knowing her own mind, and I never get nagged for (for example) Jack Wills stuff because "everyone else has it".... Like I say above - I buy her oversized Script tshirts (and take her to the gigs which I love too)....

But I do believe that 12 is a good time to learn about compromise and occasions etc. A few years ago my aunt died and I could have done with spending a touch more time mourning and being there for the family, and a touch less time standing in shops convincing Dd that she had to wear something...

I have tried the "they are JUST CLOTHES... What we wear on the outside, it matters who we are in the inside.." Which she knows.... But still, I can't get her to see that as working as much for clothes she wouldn't normally wear as those she does...

She is fine with school uniform, all the guiding uniforms she has ever worn, all her sports kits for her teams... But she has never dressed for "brownie's princess tea party" events, she always went in her uniform

[blueskywithclouds]

I think you have a really balanced view OP. Sadly, you are right! Other children do find things to pick on! Black trousers are a great compromise and I think even a baggy tshirt would be fine. You are right, we do have to learn to dress appropriately but she can still retain her identity. It sounds like you aren't trying to force her to be something she's not, just to discover some smarter clothes that fit in with her identity when the occasion calls for it. Take her shopping but take heart...black trousers are smart!

[Aworldofmyown]

I think you are absolutely right. Sometimes you do have to dress for an occasion - that doesn't mean changing your style, just smartening it up a bit!
If she would stretch to a leather style jacket my daughter has this one and its really nice:
jacket
Alternative jogging style trousers.
trousers

Good luck!!!

[RhiWrites]

Sorry, wankers, but that stripey top is atrocious. It hangs all wrong and it like something someone in their thirties would wear.

How about something like this, OP?
amzn.to/28Y5kiR

[WankersHacksandThieves]

Rhi well apart from being fucking rude - I have to say that the top you have linked to is so inappropriate for what the OP is looking for it is untrue. :o

That's sportswear, where in any of the OPs posts has she indicated that she or her daughter are interested in wearing sportswear to the party?

OPs daughter is into rock, she probably likes to wear monochrome type stuff. Hollister is a popular teen brand. That top you've linked to is for a far younger child. I don't think many pre teens/teens would wear that unless the were actually doing sport. It would also be horrendous with a pair of plain black trousers which OPs daughter has decided to wear.

[DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen]

How can the Holister top be awful but the Nike one ok?😂

[goodapple]

We had the same last year when DD finished primary. She would not wear dresses, skirts, leggings, tunic tops etc. She wore nice (plain) jeans with a checked Hollister shirt, like this one

www.hollisterco.com/shop/uk/p/-6314077_01?ofp=true

She bought a leather look biker jacket and wore with converse trainers. Looked very smart for her and she was comfortable with the look. Other girls in sparkly dresses but she was happy.

One year later and we've bought leggings, crop tops and a bikini, so high school has made a difference!

[elliejjtiny]

I was similar at her age.

How about this top from h and m?

clicky link

with some leggings, or harem trousers if she prefers looser clothes.

I always hate trying to pick an outfit for a specific occasion and can never find anything but if I just go for a random mooch round the shops I find loads of stuff I like. Could you agree to her wearing her usual clothes and then offer to take her on a trip into town, nice lunch etc. She might find something she likes then.

[NarkyKnockers]

Sounds like she is happy to dress to the dress code when the occasion demands - school, brownies, team sports etc so I don't see the issue. Sounds like there's a huge fuss being made so that the child will still be wearing something different to the majority of everyone else but it will also be something she's not comfortable in

[Savemefromwine]

Dame

I have had 2 teenagers and have 2 right now.

Yes teens or in this case pre teens are emotional absolutely but melt downs weren't allowed in our house. Not at 12. Not over a party..

Op hope you get it sorted. Your dd sounds like she's an individual and not a crowd pleaser and that's fantastic but needs guiding