AIBU - 12 year old, leavers party, clothes

[Bathsheba]

My 12.5 yo DD1 is NOT INTO CLOTHES. Or ANYTHING GIRLY.

It is her primary school leavers party next week and, frankly, I think this would be a good time for her to realise that, sometimes, you need to wear clothes to fit the occassion.

She will never be one of the girls getting highlights, and fake tan and manicures - and thats okay - not a problem.

But I do think that - as we have delayed our holiday so she can go to this party (we normally leave as soon as school finishes - literally 3:30 but this year we are leaving at 8pm), and as a local business man has paid a lot of money to put on a "No expenses spared" party for them...and as a lot of the mums are volunteering to go and decorate the venue (not me sadly - I'm working at the school)...that she could wear something other then her plan of "stained joggers and an oversized man's tshirt".

I don't expect a ball gown - I absolutely don't - but I gave her the Next Summer Catalogue to look through (women's and girls sections) - she put it down after literally 10 seconds and said "no - nothing I want to wear".

I would like her to wear something like this

www.next.co.uk/girls/older-girls/festival-girl/12

or

www.next.co.uk/girls/older-girls/mono/5

She is very emotional at the moment - worried about secondary, not wanting to go on family holiday etc etc - but I really do think that it is really disrespectful for her to turn up to an expensive party that a lot of people have worked hard on looking like this

lastexittoricklesburgh.com/the-tramps-arsehole/

There are some events - weddings, funerals, parties, graduations - where you can't wear what you are necessarily comfortable in every day - I'd never force make up or hair up-dos on her, but something nice - surely..

AIBU (and does anyone have any outfit suggestions - she is a pretty, athletic girl...)

Would she wear those tailored joggers with a plain long sleeved Tshirt?
You have to be careful at that age how you approach it, I remember my mum telling me I 'look a mess' she bought all my clothes, most things were plain and not patterned or bright, now she says she doesn't get where I get my dress sense from as I like 'all patterned stuff' imagine a pair of pattern trousers and a black top, that's my unusual style apparently.
You've got a fine line to toe but I honestly think you are doing the best you can

Sorry bit confused if she is 12 surely she has left primary school and I in yr 7?

I presumed OP is is Scotland where we start High School later.

What about leggings, cool band tee, pleather jacket and converse? Can look glam and a bit edgy.

Perhaps appropriate in not quite the right way but I rather like the cheeriness of the 'It's been fun but now I'm done' graduation t-shirt ...

(Available in age 12.)

www.spreadshirt.co.uk/it-s-been-fun-but-now-i-m-done-t-shirts-A106448235/vp/106448235T815A231PC172692165PA1663PT14X14Y12#/detail/106448235T815A231PC172692165PA1663PT14X14Y12

Or a plain white tee and take some sharpies for her friends to sign it? We did this when I left primary.

Boopsy - we are in Scotland

She exclusively wears converse and vans on her feet... But then so do I..!!

boobsy In Scotland the cut of date for school start is end February, so if a child is 4 by the end of February, they may start school on August. meaning that the age range at start of P1 (no reception) is 4.5 to 5.5. However you don't have to start until age 5 and many parents of children whose birthdays are January and February defer them until the following year so they will be older than 5.5 at start. We do 7 years in primary so most children are between 11.5 and 12.5 at start of High School with some (the deferred children) being a bit older. Then we have between 4 and 6 years of High School with no 6th form college.

I know you didn't ask for an explanation, but i thought I'd spread a bit of info :o

This is why we have a separate Sctosnet topic as issues can be very different here and local boards can be sparse given that we have a population of around 5 million and London alone is about 8.6 million. Didn't stop folk moaning that we were being treated "special" though :)

We have a system where if you are born in January or February you can choose to go to school st either 4.5 or 5.5. 2 out of my 3 dds have Jan birthdays and for both of them I chose to start P1 at 5.5. Which means after 7 years in primary my eldest add is off to Academy at 12.5. But in a lot of ways she has shorn me that even now she isn't ready which worries me for the pupils in her year who are over a year younger than her. I think she is the oldest girl in her year / there are a couple of boys who are a couple of weeks older than her.

There are also a couple of pupils who went to academy last year who are a few weeks younger than her.

That's how we roll in Scotland

crossed Baths :)

Then we have the pupils who have transferred from other countries who are sometimes put into a lower year than their age. This resulted in DS2 having a friend in his class who was older than DS1!

How much of the party will she have to miss when you pick her up early to go away - is it an underlying issue and why she is not keen on choosing anything?

It's 30 mins - I thought it was longer.

Genuinely we have a 250 ish mile trip which we had planned to start on at 3.30 (she has 2 younger sisters). The party stats at 6. We planned to whip her away at 7.30 (because I thought it went on until "late@).

Today, through sobs, she was complaining that we were taking her away half an hour early and what does half an hour matter.

My instant reaction we that if it's only half an hour then of course she can stay until the end - we just thought it went on later and really we do have to go... We have already compromised a lot considering we have 2 adults, her 9 yo sister and her 6 yo sister to get 250 miles away

OP it sounds like your dd has serious sensory issues. My son is autistic and he lives in boden joggers for dress and cheap super market joggers for play. It means stalking the boden website for sale dates and vouchers but at least he looks smart.

I share my son's sensory issues and it can be painful wearing certain clothes, especially rough seams and scratchy labels. My son is also overwhelmed by loud noises, strong smells and bright lighting. My son really struggles with anxiety because of these issues, so he can put his foot down and demand that he wears something comfortable. He does this as a way of regaining control. I wonder if your dd is trying to do the same?

Would a playsuit be a compromise?

This looks lovely

www.boden.co.uk/en-gb/girls-9-16yrs-dresses/93204/girls-9-16yrs-gracie-playsuit

Or this

www.boden.co.uk/en-gb/girls-9-16yrs-dresses/93212/girls-9-16yrs-thora-jumpsuit

Or these

www.boden.co.uk/en-gb/girls-9-16yrs-trousers-jeans/trousers/99071/girls-9-16yrs-summer-trouser

With this

www.boden.co.uk/en-gb/girls-9-16yrs-tops-t-shirts/tops/91380/girls-9-16yrs-edie-broderie-top

My son loves boden, everything is great quality and very comfortable, the girls skinny joggers are lovely too, much smarter if you are looking for new joggers. Best of all though, is the soft seams and materials which my boy loves. We have the soft fleece lined hoodies every year here, they still feel like new after over a year of constant wear and washing.

I have shown her a million play suits and jumpsuits tonight and she has said no to everything

Bathsheba I have not read all posts but got the gist.

My dd is very similar. She is very fussy about clothes, only likes trousers, not jeans, just leggins or those velor type trousers.

I think it is all sensory.

She has been assessed through CAMS and has some autistic tendancies.

She has found some stuff she likes on New Look. I was about to say play suit, with leggins under it.

Here's what we found...

www.newlook.com/shop/teens/shop-department/girls-blue-daisy-print-playsuit_372570549

www.newlook.com/shop/teens/shop-department/teens-mint-green-crochet-cold-shoulder-frill-playsuit_374213637

www.newlook.com/shop/teens/shop-department/teens-green-stripe-aztec-print-playsuit_374338839

I'm rather torn on this, in one sense I don't want to push my dd into 'performing' a certain look but she does need to be clean and presentable.

I think the only option is that you make sure all her clothes are clean (not strained) and fit her. Throw out or lose (or let the machine mangle) anything that is no good.

My dd is not intrested i shopping but will sit in front of the PC for 5 minutes and say yes or no to a selection of clothes.

DD has got a couple of spots so I have bought her some make up so she can cover them up (subtly) is she wishes to. She has a tiny bit more interest in her appearance but I still really need to remind her that she must use deodorant twice in a day and bath each night!

Good luck.

Re "I have shown her a million play suits and jumpsuits tonight and she has said no to everything"

What's her favourite and worst colour? I'd be tempted to show her a few in her favourite and least favourite and then say if she does not pick two you will order two in her least favourite colour!

My dd sometimes responds to an element of 'pantomine' in it all. She might get me to send her dad out of the room as this is a 'ladies' thing! She might be willing to pick on when I am not in the room, that type of thing. I think she has anxiety around these issues. For my dd (no idea if it is the same for your dd) she would quite like to have some nice clothes but it is all too much effort.

I'd also (just me!) try good old fashioned bribery, if she chooses and wears something OK, you can both agree on she could get a treat. For my dd this could vary from a visit to a local ice cream parlor with me (with her brother!) or a toy etc. For her brother his choice of treat would be a comic!

Sorry that should read... without her brother!!

Just let the girl wear what she wants. You said yourself further up the thread that you'd tried the "they're only clothes" tack on her, maybe you could read it back to yourself and get a bit of a grip.

Tops:

Panel top

plain with a bit of lace at sleeve

Tomboyish t shirt from Gap with a bit of sparkle

Or if all else fails why don't you just get her a new 'band' t shirt but go for a ladies one. It will be a bit more fitted and shaped than a men's one but still loose and comfortable on her.

Why don't you take her shopping? It doesn't have to be next. The likes of Superdry have some nice tunics and leggins, even dresses. She may be insecure about her looks so let her wear comfy and baggy. I had a long period when I hated skirts. I had to listen to long lectures about how girls look much nicer in dresses. My aunt would buy me girly blouses. As a result, my wardrobe consist mainly of trousers, loose shirts and few jumpers and hoodies and I could vomit at the idea of wearing a blouse with frills and a naice skirt.

Just a wee update - we went shopping today and bought

New black leggings
Smart longline neutral coloured tshirt
Nice linen (guys) shirt

I think in the end I compromised more than her as I really wanted her in a nice party-style top - but she seemed so insistent on sleeves and frankly we couldn't see many party tops with sleeves - loads of vest tops, halter tops and spaghetti straps.

I also got her properly measured for a bra as she is ready to move on from her crop tops

All in all, I think I'll still look on Friday night and think that she could look more feminine and more "party" in some other tops, but as the adult I can compromise easier than she can.

I think it's a start, and may sow the seeds to make it a little easier the next time.

Well done op; hard for you both to come to a decision. But you've got a compromise and something that's not just old joggers.

Why on earth does she need to "look feminine"?

I understand looking smart for the right occasion, but forcing her to dress in a "girly" way is just grotesque. You're opening yourself up to potential damage to your relationship, and significant damage to her mental wellbeing if you keep treating her like a doll to dress up.

YY to why does she need to look feminine or wear sparkly party clothes?

That's what YOU might want to wear - not her. If she's clean, comfy and appropriately smart then femininity shouldn't even come into it unless SHE wants it to!