AIBU to be annoyed when people ask where I'm REALLY from?

[maggiethemagpie]

I'm of mixed heritage, my dad is iranian and my mum is english but my dad moved here as a student in the 1960s and kind of turned his back on his home country, so I've never really felt Iranian myself.

However I got all his genes as I look quite dark and nothing like my english mum.

People will sometimes ask 'where are you from' and I usually reply 'stockport' but no, that's not what they mean what they really mean is 'from what country do you get your appearance' so they will say 'no where are you really from'

And it annoys the feck out of me.

Why can't I just be from Stockport, as I just told them? I AM from stockport, I was born there, my mum was born there. OK my dad wasn't but they didn't ask where my dad was from, they asked where I was from.

And if I say no, really from Stockport then I come across as arsey. But I don't see why I should have to start explaining my genetic heritage to a stranger. Then I have to explain that, no, i'm not iranian even though my dad is and no I have never been there and no I don't speak the language.

AIBU to think it is rude for people to ask me this? And then insist on a different response to the one initially given?

I get this too, I think because I have pale, freckle skin but very dark eyes and hair. It was almost unbearable when I worked in a bar in central London - no one would believe I wasn't 'just' English (half Irish actually) and I was told 'I had to be' from Greece, Italy, Brazil, Spain, France, Brazil... I once went to Italy with work and one of our hosts (the mayor of a small northern town) would shake his head at me every time he looked at me and say "Typical Calibrese" because he couldn't believe I didn't have Italian heritage. Almost like he was disappointed! I can't say I ever find it rude, just quite funny. If it happens now, I play dumb and say I'm from England. Then if I'm probed further I go into a really detailed account of my Nan's passage over from Ireland just before the war. That usually stops it.

If I ask it's because I am genuinely interested (amateur genealogist) but would do so in a non-patronising way. For example "so where is your accent from"? And when I think about it, I've never asked regarding appearance - it is just rude. I find that folk usually give that info freely once asked about accent.

I thinks Scots can get away with it more as we are always chatty and folk tend to chat back. you can get to know the intimate details of the wee wifey you've only just met on a Glasgow bus. I think it's more common to ask here too because there is a deep rooted sense of place and it's not unusual to find common pals, connections, relations in a conversation between two Scots which leaves us (well me) with a contented feeling of friendship.

If people ask me I'll happily bore them shitless on my Scots/Irish ancestry going back to year dot 😀

I would say though, that my experiences mean that I would never make such assumptions about anyone I met, because I can see how it could come across as rude.

And interestingly, my husband had quite the opposite experience as he was raised by his stepmum who is black. He's white. However you can sometimes see people getting a bit flustered and confused when they're introduced as mother and son. He once went into work with his mum and he said the look on her colleagues' faces were a picture as they just naturally assumed that he'd be mixed race. But nobody ever asks the question or says a word.

Fresta - so when I say 'I am from stockport', is that a sufficient answer? Because I probably wouldn't mind too much if they just said 'ah ok' at that point and then talke about something else.

Would that be a sufficient answer for you, or would you say 'but no, where are you REALLY from?' It's the latter bit I find rude and presumptive as they are essentially saying I can't really be from stockport as I am not white (I'm kind of beige to be honest )

Fresta "The indigenous population of the UK is white and you are not, therefore people are correct to assume you are of a different heritage."

Indigenous = originating or occurring naturally in a particular place; native.

For those of us born and are native to the UK but are not white, where do we belong? No, REALLY?

I do get where you are coming from OP. I hate it when people dig around for parental status, single parent it not, working single parent or not, or homeowner status.
I'm not offended by questions or assumptions about me because of my heritage though. Though if the assumptions were largely negative I might be.

I think indigenous is the correct term, although what Fresta said sounds pretty crass. In Mexico for example, the indiginous people are the dark-skinned Mexican Indians (sorry not sure if that's the correct term) rather than the lighter skinned people bred from the Spanish invaders. But yeah with the UK having had so many 'invaders' in ancient times, eg Danes, Vikings, Romans, is there such a thing as indiginous British English Scottish, and does it matter? Of course not!

I'm English / Malaysian and I know people are sometimes interested. If I voluntarily state my racial background to someone, they often ask me questions about Malaysia, which I have little interest in, or memory of..

I live in West London where nowadays it is incredibly racially diverse. I can understand why people ask, especially when I was first came to live here as a girl of 8, I looked somewhat different to the local, indigenous children.. It doesn't bother me in the least, in fact I rather like it.. I may be wrong and but I imagine Stockport isn't as racially diverse as as it is here?

Its incredibly rude and I would say founded in racism as its based on skin colour. Its certainly founded in ignorance!

Fresta - you like many people have completely ignored the fact that my mother is white british! Why the focus on the 'foreign' half of me not the white half? Does having a british mother not make me indiginous to the uk?

Skin colour and looks are fascinating. I think it's really interesting that you can read somebody's history and heritage from the way they look, of course it can sometimes be misleading though. From the op's story, I would even be able to have a good guess at her dad's political opinions, in that, it sounds like didn't want to return to Iran after the Islamic revolution. Of course it could be I'm completely wrong and it was just that he met her mum and fell in love. Even our names say so much about our history (well) mostly on the male line, for example, black people in the Americas, with English last names. I'm a big advocate for women keeping their own name and passing it on to their children, partially for this reason. Our accents tell a huge story as well.

I lived in the US for many years and got asked where I came from a lot, I always quite liked that people were interested in me and my story.

Also Fresta - they can assume whatever they like, just as I may make assumptions about someone based on their appearance/accent/job or whatever but that doesn't give them the right to be nosey and say 'no really?' when I give them the answer that doesn't fit in with their preconceived answer!

Very annoying, I get the same. As I teenager it used to really upset me (I just wanted to fit in) now I just wind people up until they stopped asking questions. I don't mind telling friends of course, it's the strangers I've just met who ask that I find annoying. In my case it's mainly my accent that is hard to place (having moved around a lot as a child). There is nothing I hate more than people asking about my accent!

I'm blindingly white and blonde. DH is olive skinned and can pass for Spanish or middle eastern very easily.

I regularly get asked 'where is your husband from' I reply , no really.

For fresta's information, pils are amateur genealogists and have so far traced their respective families back to about 15th century and found nothing but yeomen and craftsmen all living near .

I'm far more of a genetic mongrel and am never asked where I come from so I assume a) it is all based on DH's skin colour and b) the people asking are racist and trying to other him.

Even if they ask about his heritage, people then get a bit when he says its English to the year dot and assume he's lying based only on his skin colour.

There is s log if racism still out there op, although it can help. We had no trouble at all getting seats on tube trains after 7/7, in fact the carriage would empty around us.

I get asked where I am from because of my accent. Often it's from someone who is obviously not "ethnically" British themselves. So I tell them, and then ask where their family is from originally. They seem proud to tell me. I see it as friendly curiosity and an opening gambit for conversation.

Interestingly, my DH who is quite dark but 100% English gets this question too. He isn't bothered about answering. But then he feels very secure about himself, his history and his roots.

From reading this thread, I would say it is best to avoid the question because it obviously makes a lot of people feel uncomfortable. It can clearly hit a nerve.

Some people will still ask the question. While I agree it would be better if they didn't, it might make you feel better if you just accept it as friendly, if tactless, interest in you as a person.

This is becoming as divided as the camps for the EU Referendum. I have many friends from many cultures but I have NEVER asked any of them where they are 'really' from.

I stand by my claim that many things passed off as just "making conversation" are rude. I am not saying people are being deliberately rude or intrusive, but that they do not think through the deeper meaning of what they're saying.

Eg -
"Where are you really from? " could mean " I'm interested to know about your heritage as you do not appear to be local" or it could mean "You are not white" or it simply could be that you are nosey and ask everyone you ever meet this exact same question. In fact, for those that don't think this is an intrusive question, do you ask everyone this?

"Why do you only have one child?"/"Your DC would love a sibling, wouldn't they?"/"Oh, X is an only child?" (usually accompanied by a sad face and head tilt.
This can be interpreted as "Surely everyone wants to have as many children as possible" or "Me and my DH breed like rabbits, why don't you" but it can also suggest to the person being asked this "You are not motherly/fatherly as you have only one child" and it also fails to
consider the fact that you may have had any of the following experiences: fertility issues, neonatal loss, miscarriage, traumatic birth/pregnancy, cancer, mental health issues, physical health issues or a myriad of other reasons which may prevent you from having other children.

Many of the reasons I give above have affected people I know who have just one child.

If you want to make small talk and chit-chat, then talk about the weather, the place you're at, the thing you watched on TV last night, the traffic/parking around here, the football, the school/nursery/group you're at right now and so on. Once you get to know people then the more in-depth conversations can take place.

Missel, you think your heritage is boring, I think mine is boring.

Maggie, I'd love to know more about the fallacy of race but I don't know where to start. I have tried to say to people that race isn't a thing in the way that biological sex is and I don't understand why people find it so important but I guess I express myself badly.

I have a neighbour whose folks aren't from the UK. He and I grew up in the same gang crime ridden bit of London, it was grim so quite defining for us. He and I have both noticed that strangers will ask about our "cultural background", meaning skin colour and parental country of origin, as if they think it's what we grew up in, but we didn't. And if you directly say, oh, you sound like you want to know about how I grew up, and start telling them about those real defining experiences, they seem terribly disappointed.

I think the key is the "no really" bit. It's quite easy to gauge if someone wants to talk about their ancestry or not and pretty rude to insist. If someone said they were from Stockport/somewhere in the UK I would just assume they'd had the question a million times before and didn't want to talk about it.

On that note, I wish someone would ask me where I was really from. I'm white as chicken skin but I have a (I think) fascinating ancestry that I never get to wax lyrical about and no one believes me anyway.

I've been thinking about this and I've come to the conclusion that the word "really" is a problem because it suggests that you are lying.

When people ask me and I say London (which isn't the answer that they are after), the people who realise their mistake ask about where my grandparents are from which gives them the answer that they are after. I don't feel it's rude to ask like that.

Being dual heritage is complicated. Although I have genes from different continents and have lived in both plus other countries, I feel like I'm from London as I've lived there the longest, English is my mother tongue and I've spent the majority of my education in the UK system. That answer is embarrassingly long for a person that I may never see again so prefer not to go into it.

This hasn't happened to me but one of my children has had this a lot. All my children are half Brazilian but one gets more comments than others.

When he was a baby another mother asked me if he was half Japanese but this was because her son was and they did look quite similar. I was asked him if he was Japanese, Chinese, Filipino or the age old "where he is from" question as if I had adopted him.

I don't think this usually comes from racism, just curiosity. My friend is from the USA but lives in another country in Europe. As a result her children speak English with American accents. When they were living in London people would always say "Where are you from?" and would get the reply "From my mommy's tummy". Which I thought was the best answer ever.

Here in Brazil no one asks and no one cares. My son is just another Brazilian. It's quite refreshing. Not saying there isn't racism but no one asks where you are really from they just make assumptions based on your looks or accent and never bother to ask.

That can be annoying though as lately I have had "It must be nice to have a break from the cold of Canada" and "Can you explain US shoe sizes to me". Then I have the chance to say "Actually I'm British". Sometimes I would rather people asked than just assumed all English speakers are North American.

"Well, I'm actually from Heaton Mersey but I find most people don't know ehere that is, so say Stockport instead. Does that answer your question?"

It's a microaggression to ask someone where they are from imo.

I like being asked (white, foreign, foreign-looking, indeterminate accent). In fact, I think negatively of people whose heads are clearly exploding from trying to figure out where to "place" me. Just bloody ask already. If I think they're asking in a racist or ignorant way I'll say something unhelpful like, "I'm from Wandsworth".

never been to Wandsworth

Essential, if I actually was foreign I wouldn't mind being asked.

I don't mind being asked say when in another country.

But it grates a bit to be asked when I am in my own country!

(and 99 times out of 100 they don't actually want to know where I am from in terms of my home town, it's the where are you from that makes you look different bit)