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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be annoyed when people ask where I'm REALLY from?

557 replies

maggiethemagpie · 21/06/2016 22:03

I'm of mixed heritage, my dad is iranian and my mum is english but my dad moved here as a student in the 1960s and kind of turned his back on his home country, so I've never really felt Iranian myself.

However I got all his genes as I look quite dark and nothing like my english mum.

People will sometimes ask 'where are you from' and I usually reply 'stockport' but no, that's not what they mean what they really mean is 'from what country do you get your appearance' so they will say 'no where are you really from'

And it annoys the feck out of me.

Why can't I just be from Stockport, as I just told them? I AM from stockport, I was born there, my mum was born there. OK my dad wasn't but they didn't ask where my dad was from, they asked where I was from.

And if I say no, really from Stockport then I come across as arsey. But I don't see why I should have to start explaining my genetic heritage to a stranger. Then I have to explain that, no, i'm not iranian even though my dad is and no I have never been there and no I don't speak the language.

AIBU to think it is rude for people to ask me this? And then insist on a different response to the one initially given?

OP posts:
SoftBlocks · 22/06/2016 05:47

Not unreasonable at all.

Cubtrouble · 22/06/2016 05:54

I would ask because I am genuinely interested in people. I didn't see it as rude.
Although I am likely to ask it to any one regardless of their colour or accent if it's not the same as mine!

Misselthwaite · 22/06/2016 06:10

I've been asked this based on my accent. I live in Yorkshire but my accent is RP. I love genealogy and find it all fascinating how people got about. My own heritage is fairly boring as i am a mixture of English, Irish and Welsh with a dutch great great great grandad. I try and resist asking but unusual surnames will sometimes have me itching to know where it came from. Skin colour too, I had a holiday near Naples and noticed amongst the local Italians red heads which had me googling for an explanation. I would never ask where someone was 'really from' though as if they hadn't just told me and its not something I would jump in with on first meeting someone.

Schwabischeweihnachtskanne · 22/06/2016 06:43

Misselthwaite your post just reminded me that I used to get "Y'r not frum 'round 'ere are ye?" in Yorkshire as a teenager because of my accent. I'd lived there since I was 7. When I started going to the pub I remember it felt quite aggressive (a bit Royston Vasey).

Its so long ago it didn't spring to mind when I posted yesterday but it was far more "othering" to be accused of "not being from around here" in the place I was "from" (as much as I was from anywhere) than it is now I actually live somewhere I am patently obviously not from (and where I can easily answer that I am from England and satisfy curiosity, and be told that the questioner has been to London and for some reason almost always one of Salisbury/ Cambridge/ Brighton and be expected to make some kind of reply to that information :o )

Any novelty or interest in being asked where you are "really" from when you are in the country you were born and brought up in must wear thin very fast!

IdaShaggim · 22/06/2016 06:48

I'm white but foreign, and have an obvious accent. I get the 'where are you from?' and don't mind it, but OP I can absolutely see how annoying it would get for you.

I think I would respond to the 'No, where are you from REALLY?' by answering 'I'm REALLY from Stockport. What are you REALLY asking?' with a pointed stare!

derxa · 22/06/2016 06:56

I'm Scottish and have lived and worked in SE England for over 30 years. People did ask me, 'Where are you from?' and it did irritate. I wish I had said, 'I'm from Stockport' back then.
Maybe we could all say 'I'm from Stockport!' as in the film Sparticus (I am Sparticus).

Bambambini · 22/06/2016 07:00

"in countries other than the UK (where I am from) and it is quite different for a white (clearly) ex-pat to be asked that question."

Why is it different? I know expats who have lived for years in another country, their children born and raised there? It's a question i've been asked often in the uk even though i'm white british. Also asked it when lived or visited other countries. Would it be rude for a Japanese person to ask a white person in Japan where they are from?

I understand that sometimes people are asking from a negative viewpoint and intention. Where i'm from though people are chatty and will start up conversations with strangers everywhere.

Agree that the "really from" could be annoying.

Charley50 · 22/06/2016 07:14

I'm part Mediteranean and get asked about it a lot. It doesn't bother me in the slightest. I don't think it's racist it's human nature. The people that ask me are of various colours and races themselves.

stumblymonkey · 22/06/2016 07:17

I sometimes ask people this question....FWIW I would only ask it if it's obvious they aren't from this country because they have an accent.

I have no issues with immigration at all. I'm pro-immigration. When I ask I'm actually just being friendly and showing genuine interest in the person and where they are from....I like to learn about other countries and cultures.

I can see that it's rude and annoying for someone who isn't obviously from another country though.

I find it a bit weird that one or two posters on this thread who ARE from a different country find it rude to be asked about it though!

eyebrowsonfleek · 22/06/2016 07:20

I am dual heritage but consider myself much more British as I was born here, mainly educated in British schools and follow British traditions like Christmas on the 25th.

I've noticed that people who phrase the question like that tend to be ethnic minorities here too.

As a laugh I sometimes say I'm descended from Vikings as previous generations are from the North East and it's unusual for people to know if they are pure Saxon or have blood from invaders of the past. Grin

stumblymonkey · 22/06/2016 07:21

Also FWIW...I'm white, UK born and live in the South East and am constantly asked "Where are you from because you don't sound like you're from round here".

That's because I have a Northern twang. It's not meant to be in a rude way, and I never take it that way. People just like to 'place' people.

I'm asked where I'm from by almost everyone I chat to for any length of time and I don't have a particularly strong accent.

eyebrowsonfleek · 22/06/2016 07:27

Where are you from? - fine

Where are you REALLY from? - rude

In this day and age people should know that being English means that you can be any shade from white to black, any religion or any accent. There are places where that spectrum is more narrow but we live in the UK where the variety makes things interesting.

BabyGanoush · 22/06/2016 07:27

It is just people being nosey/interested, making small talk.

Saying that, whenever someone says " oh but your English is very good!" I do feel a point is made about my otherness.

HeteronormativeHaybales · 22/06/2016 07:27

OP, YADNBU.

I get this as a dark-haired, dark-eyed Brit in Germany, on account both of my speech - I speak German pretty much like a native but do have a bit of an accent, and speak English to my bilingual children - and my appearance, which people generally categorise as southern European or Turkish. Germans are particularly eager (IME - sweeping generalisation alert) to find out 'where people come from'. For some of them it's related to a kind of over-eager puppyishness around 'foreigners', which I think is related to a strong investment in an identity as 'open to other cultures' (ie rejection of the German past), but which often comes over as hideously patronising. (In the most extreme variant of that I've ever experienced, I had a woman follow me around a supermarket pointing to products and explaining to me what they were in a v-e-r-y- s-l-o-w v-o-i-c-e and then telling my obviously German dh he had a 'beautiful woman' there). For others it's about simple categorisation/'othering'. I've lived here for almost all my adult life and the constant reduction to being foreign gets extremely old. Not to mention people's attempts - ranging from well-meaning to aggressive - to use their English on me and endless comments about crap food and rain (neither of which Germany is exactly short on).

FreeButtonBee · 22/06/2016 07:28

Oh the "really from"ers are obviously just rude articles. They can piss off.

HeteronormativeHaybales · 22/06/2016 07:33

stumblymonkey - my problem with that kind of 'interested' attitude is that it gives the impression that the other person considers my difference/non-(in my case)Germanness/not-being-from-here to be the main, most salient fact about me, and I-as-a-person disappear into the background. The best friends I have made over here (and the people I have felt most drawn to) treated me like anyone else when we first met and didn't raise where I come from unless and until it came up naturally.

ProfessorPreciseaBug · 22/06/2016 07:40

This country is a melting pot of cultures. I am part German. Dp is Irish Dutch. My neice married an Armenian so their son is a half cast. He will grow up to be a verey hansome heartbreaker. Indeed interracial children are often the most beautiful. Eurasians come somewhere near the top of the list for good looks. So when I see someone striking, I am often curious.

But underneath there is an undercurrent of racism most of the time when someone asks where are you from?

I would suggest you reply by asking, would that change how you view me?

JackandDiane · 22/06/2016 07:42

I can see it's annoying bit sometimes it's general interest about you surely

Charley50 · 22/06/2016 07:48

Some PPs keep saying they are asked it because they have brown skin. This thread though has shown that white people get asked it too and it's not just 'darker' white people. Someone with Slavic bone structure or 'ski' on the end of their name gets asked it too. And it's not just white 'British' that ask the question too. So it's not to do with skin colour, well I suppose sometimes it is, depending on who is asking the question and why, but often it is mere curiosity.

chajazam · 22/06/2016 07:58

I'm mixed race and am mainly asked this question by strangers (like taxi drivers) who are non white. Doesn't bother me at all it's just conversation and it's never in a rude way and generally so they can start talking about themselves and their own country/experiences. I'm not fully English, my heritage is part English but I do consider myself British.
Black people seem to ask this question to figure out if you're West Indian or African but that's a whole other story!

kungfupannda · 22/06/2016 07:59

I've had this once or twice and I'm white British! I have fairly unusual colouring- olive skin, dark brown eyes and dark reddish-brown hair - which seems, judging by my mum and gran, to be the legacy of a Baltic immigrant ancestor.

I've also had people assume I don't speak English Hmm

supersoftcuddlytoys · 22/06/2016 08:00

If they are people you've only just met, then yes, it is a bit nosey of them. But sometimes people are genuinely interested to know peoples family story.

Fresta · 22/06/2016 08:03

YABU

People are just interested. The indigenous population of the UK is white and you are not, therefore people are correct to assume you are of a different heritage. They may not be articulate enough to phrase the question more politely but they are asking a perfectly valid question. It's human nature to be curious. A white family living in a predominantly black country would be questioned just the same, it would be unreasonable to expect otherwise.

sandgrown · 22/06/2016 08:08

I have dark hair and olive skin and used to stand out years ago but not any more. I rarely get asked now but when I do it does not bother me. It's nice that people are interested enough to ask .

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