AIBU to be annoyed when people ask where I'm REALLY from?

[maggiethemagpie]

I'm of mixed heritage, my dad is iranian and my mum is english but my dad moved here as a student in the 1960s and kind of turned his back on his home country, so I've never really felt Iranian myself.

However I got all his genes as I look quite dark and nothing like my english mum.

People will sometimes ask 'where are you from' and I usually reply 'stockport' but no, that's not what they mean what they really mean is 'from what country do you get your appearance' so they will say 'no where are you really from'

And it annoys the feck out of me.

Why can't I just be from Stockport, as I just told them? I AM from stockport, I was born there, my mum was born there. OK my dad wasn't but they didn't ask where my dad was from, they asked where I was from.

And if I say no, really from Stockport then I come across as arsey. But I don't see why I should have to start explaining my genetic heritage to a stranger. Then I have to explain that, no, i'm not iranian even though my dad is and no I have never been there and no I don't speak the language.

AIBU to think it is rude for people to ask me this? And then insist on a different response to the one initially given?

They're definitely being pushy/not so stealth racist by asking but never have I seen so many references to stockport on one thread :) most stockport natives (colour regardless) are desperate to be from somewhere else.

MrsLupo, maybe it's a London thing but I dint see any accent or surname as unusual and certainly not a skin colour.,I don't know all the names in the world, nor do I care about their origin. Also your name could have no connection at all to your ancestry.

I am also a Londoner, fwiw, though I have lived/worked all over the world. Depending on where you are, there will almost always be one or more skin colours that are unusual, or in the minority, or in some way convey that someone may be from elsewhere. Likewise names, accents, styles of dress, etc. It's fine not to be interested in that, but to pretend that such differences don't exist and/or aren't detectable is disingenuous and a bit silly, imo. And yes, your name might have no connection to your ancestry. Or then again it might. Which is why people ask if they're curious.

Other people, meanwhile, do find difference interesting, and asking about visible differences can often be the opening gambit in conversations that lead to a sharing of experiences and knowledge that help to erode the negative ramifications of cultural difference within a society. That is a good thing imo.

As others have pointed out, 'difference' isn't necessarily about being darker skinned. I am white and have often been asked about my origins because I've lived in various different places in the world and have often been in the position of looking or sounding different, dressing differently, etc. I have been mistaken for various nationalities other than British, and have sometimes been a bit bemused by the ignorance displayed of what language is spoken where, etc. I don't mind answering questions, but then, as a white person, I'm privileged enough that such questions tend not to be about making me feel like an outsider or imposter. Because the truth is that questioning someone's origins (as opposed to being curious about them - not the same thing) is more commonly done by people in predominantly or traditionally white societies to people whose ethnicity originates from somewhere non-white, and the OP is right to find that offensive.

As I said before, I personally am very interested in people's individual cultural history, and also in things like surnames, and am definitely guilty of this kind of questioning, although not, obviously, using phrases like 'where are you really from'. I would have thought that kind of racist challenge is fairly easy to distinguish from non-racist interest, but can see that if the racist stuff constitutes 90% of the questioning you're subjected to, then the whole lot becomes unbearable after a while. I look forward to a time when that isn't the case and we can all just be interested in each other, free of the discourses of othering and exclusion.

I think it's ok to ask where someone is from if they have a heavy accent, but NOT based on skin colour

"no, but where are you really from" is just rude.

I am also guilty of asking this kind of question, as I'm interested - though would always phrase it as "what is your family heritage" rather than "where are you from". I don't think this is any worse or nosier than asking "where did you get that dress" or "do you have children"... (some people might not like those questions either I guess)

YANBU. I do get the same every now and then.

Ethnically, I'm Indian. And if someone asked me what my ethnic heritage is, I would have no problem with answering that.

But the "where are you really from?" I find offensive. I am from London. I was born here. My mum was born here. My dad was born in Kenya (as were all my grandparents and a couple of great-grandparents!). My family hasn't been based in India for nearly 100 years and I do not identify as Indian.

I've travelled a lot and lived in a few different countries as an adult, and it's never questioned when I answer that I'm British. But in the UK, it is. And it's tedious going into 100 years' of family history to explain it.

And I can definitely distinguish between people who are genuinely politely curious and those who use it to mean "why are you brown?"

(Also hate when I go to the ballet, which is often, to be asked "are you enjoying this - it must be quite different to what you are used to" .)

Fiddlefigs - when they say 'but where are you from really' I'm going to start answering with 'do you mean why am I brown?' It is exactly what they mean!

I haven't RTFT,

But can I just take a minute to apologise to everyone on this thread who has had this issue.

I've realised I do this, I don't meant to be rude I'm usually just interested in people's background but it never occurred to me it could be annoying.

I definitely won't ask in future after reading this, and feel a bit annoyed at myself for not realised how it could come across.

Some people find this stuff interesting. My husband ('diluted' brown, looks Italian) normally gets this question very early on because he speaks with an American accent so people assume he's American.

It's kind of a conversation ready-mix. It has helped us to hobble through many boring dinner parties.

(Also hate when I go to the ballet, which is often, to be asked "are you enjoying this - it must be quite different to what you are used to" hmm.)

That is breathtakingly racist.

I'm going to start answering with 'do you mean why am I brown?' It is exactly what they mean!

yes it is - I am white and though I'm now British I'm an immigrant and speak with a clearly foreign accent.

The number of times over the years people have started the Immigrant conversation with me, slagging Immigrants off. I always point out "You do realise I'm an immigrant?" and get all manner of awkward replies which all amount to different ways of say "Oh I don't mean you - you are white/speak English/are the "right" kind of immigrant".

It is complete racism and I've experienced this time and time again (in fact just yesterday) - which is why I do not believe for one second that the current "immigration" debate isn't racially based.

"Where are you from?" - not rude, it's conversational, but asking "No, where are you really from?" IS rude.

Maggie - you totally should do that! Or perhaps lead into it with, "I am really from X" (the place you just said) with a confused look. Or, "X, where are you really from?"

Sometimes, I've had a variation of that question in mind when I've met somebody with really unusually beautiful features. A friend of mine had dark freckled skin and natural red lips, and I wanted to ask her what her heritage was because her colouring was so unique but didn't, because I know it's rude. So for me, it's a curiosity that arises from that bit of the brain that recognises 'beautiful Celtic eyes' or whatnot.

But if somebody is being rude or using the phrasing that you suggest OP, then YANBU

Also hate when I go to the ballet, which is often, to be asked "are you enjoying this - it must be quite different to what you are used to"

One of the parents at my kids' school (Indian) is a big cheese at a UK bank- one of the teachers said "haven't you done so well for yourself!"

I remember the last time I got asked this - incl the 'where are you really from?' bit! I was parked up outside my house getting DD out of the car and a woman I didn't know from Adam was walking towards me and asked:

Woman: so where are you from?
Me: err here X (place we're standing in and is a partial lie)
Woman: No, where are you really from?
Me: X, I know it's not glamorous but it's home eh?
Woman: Oh so you don't like living here?
Me: Well it's not exactly Cannes is it? (can't remember if it was Cannes but you catch my drift)

Ffs - I should have really asked her why she needs to know but she caught me off guard. I would have loved to have had the brass neck and turn the nosiness around on her and ask why her hairstyle is like that? Or what her PIN is or when her last period was.

There's loads of things I'm nosy about but it doesn't give me the right to hassle a total stranger just to satisfy my curiosity. I don't mind it coming up in conversation with someone I'm getting to know/already know but a total stranger asking me, to me, is akin to when men wolf whistle women in the street, just because they want your attention from you doesn't mean you owe them the time of day!

And agree it feels like 'othering'.

YANBU but sometimes people might be interested in your heritage.
I think that's the way to phrase it if you are interested in finding out more about someone. I work with a woman who has the most beautiful skin, I mean luminous glowing skin which made me think she was actually from Mars. When I knew her well enough I said to her that her skin made me envious. In the course of the conversation I asked if she had foreign heritage and I think that's maybe the way to do it - with genuine interest and as a compliment.

OMG! Did he/she put in a complaint to the principal? The teacher may be the sort who would say it to anyone they perceived as doing better than them though. My DD is half-Indian but she looks so Indian (must be my darkie genes) and has a very traditional Indian name that she has a difficult time convincing others that she's half European.

The question is rude and I really can't imagine people actually ask!

Having said that, are you not proud of your heritage? My Mum is Welsh (I know it's not exactly the same, as you don't have different skin tone etc because you have Welsh heritage!) but I'm very proud of my background.

Just wondering why it bothers you? those people probably don't mean to be rude. They probably just think you're gorgeous and are wondering why those stunning genes originated from! ?

Mrs "Depending on where you are, there will almost always be one or more skin colours that are unusual, or in the minority, or in some way convey that someone may be from elsewhere. Likewise names, accents, styles of dress, etc. It's fine not to be interested in that, but to pretend that such differences don't exist and/or aren't detectable is disingenuous and a bit silly, imo"

It's not a question of pretending they don't exist, but more that it makes me feel my skin colour marks me out as a minority and that somehow it matters. I don't understand why my skin colour matters to people to the point that they go for "where are you REALLY from".

I must be honest and I say gear up for that when people ask "where are you from" because even if I say London and they stop, sometimes I can see disappointment. They know it would be rude to ask more questions but they didn't get the answer they wanted. And then I don't understand why my answer isn't good enough.

StarUtopia "Having said that, are you not proud of your heritage?"

well I can't speak for anyone else but I come from a country that treats women very badly, so no. Also, it seems weird generally to be proud of an accident of lineage. It's not like any of us can take credit for things we didn't do ourselves if you see what I mean.

Speaking on my experience to those who've posted and said that they didn't realise, just read between the lines, if you get a curt answer back then take the hint they don't want to answer further. I'm like this now with strangers asking because in addition to this I have had years of having strangers be racist to me, from the subtle to the overt shouting racist comments at me in the street.

Yeah but why should someone feel put on the spot to disclose their ethnic heritage to a total stranger? Who cares if they think you're gorgeous? It's quite creepy. Totally different if you're having a family celebration say, at the park, and doing stuff (eg dance, music ) related to your culture - then questions from strangers are perfectly okay and normal, even welcomed. When someone out of the blue interrogates you it's like they're saying "are you a terrorist? are you a pikey? are you a 'forriner'? are you a threat to our civilization?"

Also hate when I go to the ballet, which is often, to be asked "are you enjoying this - it must be quite different to what you are used to

That is so staggeringly ignorant. I find a lot of people are not racist intentionally but they divide the world into "us" and "them" with the assumption that the first world is advanced and the rest are just poor and disadvantaged. Living in South America I have been genuinely asked by Brits if we have electricity, internet, television, a car, a monkey. Even on mumsnet I have read posts from people who have said all the farms here probably have very low ethical standards, that everyone is a corrupt armed drug lord, that it is one of the poorest places in the world so how can it have any reputable studies/contributions and one that really boils my blood automatically assuming that all Brazilians are black or mixed race. What's worse is these people probably consider themselves quite intelligent and open minded as well. The whole "but where are you really from" smacks of this "us" and "them" assumption as well.

This thread is hitting a nerve and I'm glad I'm not the only one on the receiving end. I'm sick and tired of being asked where I am REALLY from. I get asked regularly partly because I am very tall, slim and very blond, so must be foreign. I once got asked why I have a slight accent despite living in the UK for over 20 years . That one left me speechless. Do I need to hide my accent to belong? Shame my appearance gives it away then...

I wish strangers would keep their thoughts to themselves and I do think it is rude. It may seem harmless to them to ask but they are one of hundreds over the years who felt it was their right to know my background. I'm more than happy to share my family history with friends if they are interested.

I'm also not very fond of people pointing out that my dd has red hair. Funnily enough, I spotted that too just after she was born. And yes, she's my daughter. Do I really have to go into genetics and point out that she is a delightful mixture of four nationalities coming together, all with distinct 'stereotypical' looks? And yes, I know my second dd looks like her dad. Glad we cleared that one up then.

dizzy

I did think the vast majority of Brazilians are mixed race, I see now that I was incorrect.

mimi "Who cares if they think you're gorgeous? "

indeed. which brings me to men who are frightfully excited about chatting up someone they perceive to be "exotic".

I get the opposite: when people hear that my dad was born in Africa, they're surprised that I'm so fair skinned