AIBU to be annoyed when people ask where I'm REALLY from?

[maggiethemagpie]

I'm of mixed heritage, my dad is iranian and my mum is english but my dad moved here as a student in the 1960s and kind of turned his back on his home country, so I've never really felt Iranian myself.

However I got all his genes as I look quite dark and nothing like my english mum.

People will sometimes ask 'where are you from' and I usually reply 'stockport' but no, that's not what they mean what they really mean is 'from what country do you get your appearance' so they will say 'no where are you really from'

And it annoys the feck out of me.

Why can't I just be from Stockport, as I just told them? I AM from stockport, I was born there, my mum was born there. OK my dad wasn't but they didn't ask where my dad was from, they asked where I was from.

And if I say no, really from Stockport then I come across as arsey. But I don't see why I should have to start explaining my genetic heritage to a stranger. Then I have to explain that, no, i'm not iranian even though my dad is and no I have never been there and no I don't speak the language.

AIBU to think it is rude for people to ask me this? And then insist on a different response to the one initially given?

But velour you shouldn't treat a white person any differently to a non white person!
Where I work, we had an employee who was consistently underperforming and we were going to dismiss him but the director put a stop to it because he was black, she didn't want to be seen to be dismissing a black person.

I thought that was incredibly racist seeing as his performance had nothing to do with his skin colour, and because she'd have dismissed a white person in that situation.

Equality is not equality unless everyone is treated the same!

But are you actually from El Salvador littlewingsoul, or just one of your parents is?

If you lived there, or even go back to visit family, I think it's very different as you will identify a lot more with your 'other' country (than someone like me)

Why can't I just be from Stockport, as I just told them?

i've got to the point where i now just don'y give a shit. Enough of feeling exposed and apologetic for not revealing personal info upon intrusive questioning.

Nowadays, if they stray past the 'hometown/birth country or language - i just bluntly tell them they 'don't need to know'.
If i'm in the mood for mischief, i'll tell them i was adopted my parents are X, don't know nothin about my birth parents and only speak english Then i sit back and watch their faces as they try to 'compute' what they're hearing

or..... from 'a galaxy far,far away'

It's like on forms that ask for 'race' I just put 'human'.

Biologically, there is only one race as the definition of a race is whether two people can mate and have viable offspring.

I learned that at the holocaust museum.

From a galaxy far, far away is a brilliant response!

Just one of my parents Maggie, but perhaps the difference is that we have always celebrated both cultures here at home in England so I feel very proud of being a hybrid. From your OP it sounds like you feel a total disconnect to that side of your heritage so maybe that's where it stems from for you?

I also learnt about the fallacy of race in post-colonialism lectures :-) I hate those 'ethnic diversity' forms and their misplaced intentions too... not enough boxes! May just start putting 'human' now too though funny!

Maggie do you believe in quotas to increase the number of women in certain positions where they have historically been underrepresented? I do believe in them and I guess I'm applying the same logic to this situation - maybe am wrong tho?
I think that once a certain group has been discriminated against, you can't make up for it, but you can improve your behaviour by avoiding any situation which might incur the kind of feelings that this historical discrimination once did.
I'm just saying I would feel more comfortable talking to a white skinned person about their origins because I know that, for non-white skinned people, the issue has been handled so insensitively in the past. Until things have been consistently sensitive enough for a while then shouldn't we be extra sensitive in the meanwhile? I mean I would feel fine asking a Black person 'so whereabouts are you from' if it came up naturally in conversation, but I would only ask one question and accept the first answer I got, whereas asking someone with a clearer clue as to a more diverse background e.g. with a French accent, I would know that there is no long history of the French being discriminated against in the UK, so probably probing further would not be interpreted as the kind of shit some ethnic minorities have been subjected to in the past, but be seen as genuine interest.

I think so LittleWing... especially as all my iranian relatives now live in uk or usa, not a single one left in Iran.

I did get all the 'dark' genes though, black hair, dark eyes, dark skin nothing like my mum.

As a child I did have a problem with that and being called Paki in the playground and such like, I'm fine with it now but it just annoys me that people assume things from my colouring.

Like I said in the post upthread it would be potty to apply this logic to anything else such as politics or sexuality.

It's the assuming that does my head in, and questions from people I don't know, if a good friend asked me where I got my colouring from I wouldn't hesitate to tell them my dad was iranian.

I also get told I can't be from stockport because I don't have a northern accent which is very mildly irritating but no where on the same scale ! (i have a slightly posh, could be from anywhere accent )

I'm beginning to think a lot of people are just very stupid!

But velour, if you knew a white person was living in, say, wolverhampton would you feel a need to ask them where they were from?

I guess for me, if I got to know them and we were having a chat I might ask them where they grew up. I may ask the same of the brown person but I'd be careful not to do it in such a way that it seemed like I was asking what their ethnic heritage was. eg have you always lived in wolverhampton. Not - but where are you really from.

As for quotas, I'm not sure I believe in them. I think people should be promoted on merit, but given access to the same opportunities to develop.

Like margaret thatcher, first female prime minister, I didn't like her politics but I admire the fact that she got that job completely on merit not because someone gave her a leg up as she was a woman.

and the not dismissing a black person because he was black that I spoke about earlier I think was disgusting, as it was essentially racism against white people.

I don't care about a person's family tree, but say if someone asked 'oh have you always lived in XYZ' I would feel free to reply, regardless of skin colour, some variationof 'and what about you?' cos it's one of the more easier conversational turns we learn! It wouldn't be a need, at all! It certainly wouldn't be a priority, top thing to ask someone of ethnic minority, if that's what you're thinking? As I'm not British and happen to have a personal interest in things re: nation/nationality, if i comes up in small talk, I won't shie away from it....except for naturally applying good manners/sensitivity! Of course I know that you can have any colour skin and be Britsh. I do believe in certain measures of positive discrimination as (inadequate) compensation (by this I mean what I was talking about above), otherwise of course I wouldn't base my range of possible questions on someone's outward appearance. There is little consensus on what makes someone British but I'd like to think that this (that skin colour has no bearing on nationality) at least has been/is currently being adopted by national consciousness....

I totally get not asking where somebody is "from" just on the basis of a minority ethnic appearance. But please, (genuinely) can somebody explain to me what is wrong with asking somebody this question when they clearly have a foreign accent? Surely in that case it's clear that you are actually 'from' elsewhere. I lived abroad and got asked this a lot on the basis of my accent, I never thought twice about it

Maggie I take your point but to be honest, I think we're always going to go for the easier option, and seeing as though 'giving people equal opportunities to develop' (which I totally agree with as the best option btw) would mean a complete overhaul of, to start with, the UK education system, we have to work within the realms of what's likely to actually happen cos the alternative will be just - do nothing at all. Which means quotas and + discrimination. We would all love to put our feet down and refuse to accept imperfection but that would only work once all the ducks are in a row (and the right people give the right fucks tbh), which they currently aren't.

Tricky I think that's what the issue hinges on :)
Accents still tend to acquired thru where you live whereas appearance is no longer a reliable clue and thus, in the interests of fair representation etc, shouldn't be treated as such, although it still continues to be.

It's rude. I get it all the time as my dad is South East Asian (but born and bred in Wales!) and I got all his genes. I'm from brighton. Really I am.

Well, I would think so velourvoyageur but there's been a few posts on here that seem to say it's a problem in itself, I just don't get it!

The first time I watched that video I was horrified to think that I might have actually done similar myself in the past - i.e. asked someone about their background, when they're clearly not white. But I'm pretty sure I never did the whole "no, where are REALLY from" thing, and certainly not the "oh well I LOVE 'your people's' food/language/country" thing.

But I make damn sure I don't ask anything like that now in that way. Sometimes curiosity comes out the wrong way because people just don't understand how rude they're being until it's pointed out to them; sometimes (like the guy in the video) they'll never get it.

I don't tend to ask random people "where they're from" now but I get asked it quite a lot myself, because I'm English in Australia. So they want to know where I'm from, no not just England, which part of England, no not just London, which part of London etc. etc. - and then it often turns out that they have family there, not too far away etc. At least they don't make the mistake of assuming I'll know them though!

but YANBU - sorry I forgot that bit!

TrickyBiscuits, I have spent a lot of time living in countries other than the UK (where I am from) and it is quite different for a white (clearly) ex-pat to be asked that question.

What if the person asking thinks you might have a similar heritage and wants to have a chat about that?

That's completely different to what the OP is talking about though. I've seen those kind of conversations between mutual friends (eg 'Where are you from? - Wolverhampton - No, I mean where in Africa are you from? - Nigeria - and so on) There's a shared understanding. It's different coming from someone outside of that background.

and the not dismissing a black person because he was black that I spoke about earlier I think was disgusting, as it was essentially racism against white people.

I would want to know more before deciding that this is disgusting for example if he is the only black person in the workplace I can understand why the director was not eager to dismiss him. Not saying it would be right, but also it isn't 'disgusting', is it. It's not disgusting to go easy on people who have had a really hard time, historically, and still have a disproportionately hard time.

Black people are underrepresented in many workplaces, so it's not disgusting for a manager to be hesitant about firing them. Also would depend on what he did. Underperforming on sales targets not so disgusting. Stealing from the tills, yes, that would be disgusting.

Where are you from? England. Where in England? Stockport. Which road in Stockport? etc is just trying to narrow down to a precise place in England.

That's different from
Where are you from? England. No, really, where are you from?

The first is just asking for more information, the second is saying you are wrong, try again and this time give me the right answer, and it has to be a country other than England.

YY, I know Kawliga - wasn't exactly trying to equate my experience with the OP's or anyone else who has the same as the OP's experience. It was just a (possibly misplaced) lighthearted interjection, hence the grin at the end.

The big reasons I don't like the question where are you really from are: 1)sometimes I want to talk about something else: the weather, what I had for lunch. I get bored explaining my ethnicity to total strangers.
and 2)the people who ask me then tend to go off on a dull monologue TELLING me pointless things about my country: ooh, aren't the people friendly. my neighbours sister went there once and said the food was ever so nice. While I smile and nod. I wouldn't mind if they actually asked me more about the country or my experience of it but they rarely do.