AIBU to be annoyed when people ask where I'm REALLY from?

[maggiethemagpie]

I'm of mixed heritage, my dad is iranian and my mum is english but my dad moved here as a student in the 1960s and kind of turned his back on his home country, so I've never really felt Iranian myself.

However I got all his genes as I look quite dark and nothing like my english mum.

People will sometimes ask 'where are you from' and I usually reply 'stockport' but no, that's not what they mean what they really mean is 'from what country do you get your appearance' so they will say 'no where are you really from'

And it annoys the feck out of me.

Why can't I just be from Stockport, as I just told them? I AM from stockport, I was born there, my mum was born there. OK my dad wasn't but they didn't ask where my dad was from, they asked where I was from.

And if I say no, really from Stockport then I come across as arsey. But I don't see why I should have to start explaining my genetic heritage to a stranger. Then I have to explain that, no, i'm not iranian even though my dad is and no I have never been there and no I don't speak the language.

AIBU to think it is rude for people to ask me this? And then insist on a different response to the one initially given?

I don't understand what people don't get here.
If you're having a chat with someone you've just met or don't know well, I don't really think there's anything wrong with asking 'where are you from?'
If they say 'Stockport, but some of my family are Iranian' that's up to them, but if they say 'Stockport.' It's then quite rude to say 'no, where are you really from?' Because you're basically saying well you don't LOOK British or at least not 100% so I want to know what it is about your ancestry that makes you look like you're not British.
Op has explained it quite well, it's nothing to do with being ashamed of your background or ethnicity, I know a lot of people who are mixed ethnicity or whose parents are not British but in many cases they've never even been to, Jamaica, for example, didn't live with their Jamaican parent, never did anything 'Jamaican' growing up and therefore feel no more Jamaican and no less British than I do. A lot of people who are born and raised here, despite their parents background, just feel British. And there's nothing wrong with that.

I couldn't give a flying fuck about people's skin colour. Having grown up in London surrounded by so many different cultures and languages, I don't give a toss where people are from. I'd much rather get to know the person as opposed to try to pigeonhole them based on ethnicity / cultural heritage or whatever you want to call it.

I think some posters are missing the "where are you REALLY from" element.

One poster says a generation ago people might not have asked. For me, I'd say they did and now I'm amazed they still do.

If I got with a guy from Italy, moved to Australia and had DC, they would be Australian surely?

I don't like the term "British Xx country" either. Why am I not just British?

Unhappy, I'm a Londoner too and sadly Londoners have done this to me with the "really".

Actually now that I've had the DNA test done, I found it fascinating that my ancestors managed to evade the Viking marauders. I've planned that if someone is really persistent, I will hand them a little printout of the test results and hopefully the 98% European bit will shut them up. Probably they would look at the 1% Middle Eastern, 1% African and attribute my dark looks to that though I can totally understand why you wouldn't want to talk about your ancestry to a total stranger ... especially if the ancestry in question is the latest one to be demonized. Many of us still have huge hangups about WW2.

Just because some people are happy to say how much they earn.... doesn't mean everyone is so I would never ask someone I didn't know.

Just because some people are happy to say how they vote... doesn't mean everyone is so I would never ask someone I didn't know.

Just because some people are happy to disclose their sexuality.... doesn't mean everyone is so I would never ask someone I didn't know.

There's some topics that are safe for small talk with strangers and some which are a bit.... intrusive. It's better to stick to the weather or what was on telly last night if you really want to make small talk with someone you don't really know.

I must get asked on a weekly basis "Were you born here?"

Also, I can't stand the heat (too fat, it makes my hair go frizzy) - neither can my dad or brother. Whenever I say this, 99% of people say "But you're brown! How can you not like the heat!?"

My all-time favourite question was "What language do you speak in Sri Lanka? Indian?"

WHY DO THESE PEOPLE TORMENT ME SO!

I like to ask where people are from. If they choose to tell me about their ethnic or national heritage that's fine, and if they say "Stockport" (or anywhere else) that's fine too. I'll happily take whatever people are inclined to tell me! I certainly wouldn't ask where someone was 'really' from. But I find people's backgrounds interesting. I grew up among people from all kinds of backgrounds, so I just enjoy hearing people tell me a bit about who they are - whatever they want to tell.

When I was a child I had friends who had an Iranian father - he had a very interesting story to tell about leaving Iran in the 1970s. I don't know if they now identify as 'British Iranian' (we lost touch a long time ago), but it seems to me that it could be an interesting part of their identity. Still, it's disturbing to think that people are asking them where they're 'really' from.

Stockport is a shit hole. Bordered by another shit hole called Tameside

I just sort of laugh along and say "oh you mean my skin colour?"

I don't know why it doesn't offend me and it obviously offends you... not to belittle what you are obviously feeling about it!

I was bullied at primary school for being one of only 3 kids in the whole school (the other being my brother!) who wasn't white so maybe having grown up with very tangible racism I've grown a bit of a thick skin.

Now, if someone asked me this question and then proceeded to suddenly start treating me differently straight afterwards I would think it more than rude, but if my answer is just there to fulfill their innocent curiosity I just wouldn't let it bother me.

Interestingly, I think I get asked this question mostly be people who aren't 'white british'. Maybe they know I won't get offended whereas white bits may be worried they'd be seen as racist...? Or rude...?!

Who knows. I'll think twice about how I word it myself next time as I didn't realise it could be seen as offensive in the wrong context.

(Not saying I don't love winding people up by giving 'hometown' as my first answer but always with a wry smile ).

yeah i think the 'no, really' bit does have racist over/undertones. Before that it could be just nosy and rude. A friend and colleague - whose parents were HK Chinese but she was born and bred in Scotland - got this 'really' bit a lot. I am north European appearance and the same people didn't ask me. In future i'd be tempted to just answer 'Hawaii' if anyone asks - but the really thick racists wouldn't get it!

Abroad I get asked a lot. Often in Germany people ask me - often they think i am Dutch or English, and I have to mention i am Scottish- as I speak fair German but with a funny accent! If I don't open my mouth nobody would ask me!

YANBU to feel annoyed when the context is one of doubting you can 'really' be from the UK. But fwiw I think a lot of people are just curious about unusual looks, accents or surnames - I know I am. I also think this is a very British (or perhaps European) problem - as we are finding currently, the country is a whole lot less ready for multiculturalism than is often claimed. In the States, a similar conversation would quite naturally continue, 'No, I mean, where are you from ancestrally?' Although the US is also a very racist society, the concept of multiple and mixed nationalities and ethnicities being there and being visible is so much older and less socially embarrassing, and questions about origin don't have that overtone of doubting your right to belong which is what makes them potentially offensive. (This may be less true in the current climate.)

Mostly, like many things passed off as "making conversation" it's intrusive and unnecessary.

I have Asperger's and even I think whoever said this is BU!

MrsLupo - it's not unusual to look brown or be brown!

People should accept the first answer you give them! Rude to assume that you wouldn't give them the right answer the first time, it's like you're not 'trusted' to see things from the same viewpoint as they do, simply because you don't look how they're expecting XYZ to look. But someone whose family comes from the UK and who've themselves been born there just doesn't understand heritage 'issues'. Not a criticism, but they haven't lived though it so they simply don't understand it. Even if you tackle it from an academic point of view and read up on it, you're not going to really properly get it. In 99% of cases I v. much doubt there's any malice in it. (Tho tbh it's hard to imagine the British being that emotionally insensitive that they would do it without some vested interest, even if subconscious, actually!) But surely by now everyone knows that 'where are you really from' is just rude and not inclusive. In London, Paris, Berlin etc it would just be a stupid thing to ask! If you refused to accept that e.g. a person of North African appearance person was from Paris by asking 'but where are you really from', I'm not sure people would even instinctively realise at first what you were trying to specify, would just be a bit ridiculous and would mark you out as the outsider! 'Where you're from' today means much more where you grew up, what's your primary culture...we have to adapt our language from the 19th century when people didn't tend to move around that much. You can go some way to explaining it with people like Bakhtin (e.g. his stuff about carnival), but it doesn't mean you can't evolve your thinking and abandon your initial instincts nationalism/home etc is in upheaval atm (we live in interesting times! yay) but it takes a while for idk what it's called, the cultural memory perhaps, to catch on and incorporate.

I wasn't born in Britain and don't have British parents but I grew up there and people always assume I'm British....because I have the accent, and then for some strange outdated reason they have a certain picture of what British people look like which I happen to fit. It's unfair. I don't even have British nationality but no one has ever asked me 'where are you really from'. It's time to change the thinking that says that what you look like is a key to where you were brought up. Actually (sorry for spoilers) Poussey made a great point in season 4 of OITNB which kinda illustrates this, f anyone's seen it? :)

The 'no really' think is a very subtle and probably unconcious form of racism.... its essentially saying 'you can't be just from stockport if you are white'. Or 'tell me why you are brown'.

I think most people asking it would balk at the thought they were being racist, but they wouldn't ask a white person who said they were from stockport where they were 'really' from would they (could be any one of a number of other countries).

I'm quarter black so get this a lot.

"Where are you from?" London
"No originally?" Dagenham
"No like, what country?" England
"I mean what's your ethnicity?" Well my mum is half English half Jamacian and my dad is half Irish half Scottish, why?
"Oh just wondered because you look white but different."

Almost with all new people I meet. Sometimes I can't be bothered and keep persisting that I'm just English.

This is probably the first (and last) time I've ever quote from "Songs of Praise (1980 edition) but....

the creed and the colour and the name don't matter!!

Sorry, this has probably been answered and I'm just too tired to read - it's not rude to ask Where do you get your looks from? is it? Because if it is, I need telling!

Quite shocked people still do that "where are you really from" thing. My primary school made it extremely clear that was a rude and idiotic question - in the 1960s!!

I hate this too, I am dark haired, dark eyes and olive skin. In Mediterranean countries people assume that I am local until I open my mouth. My ancestry goes back to when records began in Eastern England, we're probably of Viking descent - I reckon that the shorter darker coloured Vikings were the ones to explore, leaving all those tall blonde haired blue eyed ones at home. There are graveyards full of our ancestry. Someone forgot to tell them though to only pass down the blue eye, blone hair gene. Not much comfort but your decendants might be explaining their appearance into the third millennium if our family's experience is anything to go by!

MrsLupo, maybe it's a London thing but I dint see any accent or surname as unusual and certainly not a skin colour.,I don't know all the names in the world, nor do I care about their origin. Also your name could have no connection at all to your ancestry.

It was almost easier in earlier days, people would ask outright, oh you're from this foreign place, do you follow their customs?

And I could say "nah I'm just English like you" and that was it. Now it's as if me saying it is not enough, which I feel is a backward step. I think it's been complicated by politics, some people seem to think it's respectful to ask those questions and think I must want to be labelled as other because of skin colour.

I was totally gonna bring that OITNB situ up but didn't want to give a spoiler...! Am toying with watching episode 4 right now as hubby is still up working but it's an hour long and 12.24am...!

I just sort of laugh along and say "oh you mean my skin colour?"
tbh I think this is a great answer simple and challenges people's opinions without being aggressive at all

yanbu, as the question implies that as someone who appears to have a non-British heritage, you can never be seen as really British, which is completely wrong.
I do ask about people's heritage though, as I find it interesting. I have mixed race children myself. I tend to say, 'what are your origins?', and hope that isn't too annoying! I also get asked where I'm really from due to my appearance, and feel satisfaction in informing the questioner of my extremely unexotic family tree of English working class folk!

Tbh I don't think that just because it hasn't occurred to you to think otherwise means you can renounce any responsibility for the consequences your racism has incurred. It's the individual's responsiility to educate themselves, it's not upto other people surely? Bit harsh perhaps but that's how civil law operates, right? We should be taught not to accept the first opinion we happen to encounter but to dig around and think critically....otherwise our world view is just decided by our environment....which we know from recent history is maybe not the best approach :)

Origin is definitely preferable to the "really from" line of questioning which implies that we can't be Brits. Maybe one day the novelty of brown people inhabiting the UK will wear off... no sign of that yet!