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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be annoyed when people ask where I'm REALLY from?

557 replies

maggiethemagpie · 21/06/2016 22:03

I'm of mixed heritage, my dad is iranian and my mum is english but my dad moved here as a student in the 1960s and kind of turned his back on his home country, so I've never really felt Iranian myself.

However I got all his genes as I look quite dark and nothing like my english mum.

People will sometimes ask 'where are you from' and I usually reply 'stockport' but no, that's not what they mean what they really mean is 'from what country do you get your appearance' so they will say 'no where are you really from'

And it annoys the feck out of me.

Why can't I just be from Stockport, as I just told them? I AM from stockport, I was born there, my mum was born there. OK my dad wasn't but they didn't ask where my dad was from, they asked where I was from.

And if I say no, really from Stockport then I come across as arsey. But I don't see why I should have to start explaining my genetic heritage to a stranger. Then I have to explain that, no, i'm not iranian even though my dad is and no I have never been there and no I don't speak the language.

AIBU to think it is rude for people to ask me this? And then insist on a different response to the one initially given?

OP posts:

Original poster

maggiethemagpie · 21/06/2016 23:21

It's not too much the asking where I'm from that winds me up, it's the 'no really' bit.

If they thought about it, they'd realise that I said stockport because I don't want to disclose my ethnic heritage.

So an emotionally sensitive person would respect that and not ask further

Its the rude ones who say 'no really' that wind me up because it's like they're saying either a) I can't be from stockport because I'm not white or b) that they know I know that's not what they meant, ie they are disrespecting the fact that I don't want to discuss it and are forcing me to!

OP posts:

StrangeLookingParasite · 21/06/2016 23:22

Went to a folk concert recently, in Liverpool, and afterwards a woman asked "Did you enjoy that?" "Oh, yes," I replied innocently, "Did you?" "Yes," she said, huffily, "but..." She didn't quite get as far as to say "You're foreign!" but it was there in her face!

I think some people are just daft as a brush.

ipsogenix · 21/06/2016 23:23

I understand how it must be frustrating, but I actually think that the people are trying to be inclusive and come and be friendly to you. A generation ago they would probably not have had the courage to come and say hello at all. If you can stand the strain it would probably be good to reward their inclusiveness by just being friendly back.

I look British, but I have all sorts of different nationalities in me and I like to tell people about that. If I ask a person who looks a bit different where they are from, then part of that is an invitation for them to ask me where I'm from. I'd be proud to tell them about all of the nationalities that have gone into making me.

Perhaps you could ask them about their genetic inheritance too?

CakeNinja · 21/06/2016 23:23

Yanbu at all, I get this a lot and I find the question incredibly intrusive and embarrassing. I just say London (I was born there) and hope they give up.
So nosey.

ipsogenix · 21/06/2016 23:26

I recently asked a lovely middle eastern looking Dad at our school where he was from and he said "Slough" or something like that, and I was instantly so embarassed, because although I look British, and live in the south of England, I didn't grow up in England and I had no idea where the place he'd mentioned was. I was totally thrown to realise that he was more local than I was and ended up talking rubbish to cover. Might be good to bear in mind that they may just be totally thrown by your response and floundering a bit.

mimishimmi · 21/06/2016 23:26

I've taken to wearing cross earrings too...

Original poster

maggiethemagpie · 21/06/2016 23:26

Millie

If a friend or acquaintance asks 'whats your family background' I would probably tell them and not get the 'blood boil' feeling

If it's someone I barely know then I might find it a bit intrusive.

There is a world of difference between me being 'from' Iran, which I am not, which would mean I was Iranian... and asking me what my family background or heritage is.

I have no problem saying my dad is Iranian. Or even that I am half Iranian if I'm asked outright about genes/family background.

But I don't want to say I am 'from' Iran, which is the answer they're really looking for, as I'm not!

Also I was not brought up to think of myself as Iranian as my dad left when I was young so I was brought up by my mum and whilst I still saw my dad he's pretty much adopted this country as his country so apart from cook iranian food he doesn't really do anything iranian, it really is all about the genes not the culture in my family.

OP posts:

TooMuchMNTime · 21/06/2016 23:30

Millie, I'm also genuinely interested to know what people earn but I don't ask. In fact, I don't ask what anyone does either. Conversation can flow around all sorts of things without asking questions.

ipsogenix · 21/06/2016 23:31

Now you mention it... Oddly, I've spent years wondering why I look a bit foreign (in a sort of eastern european way) and it was only since I moved to the south of england and started getting a lot of friendly germans approaching me, that I've realised that I probably look a bit german. It's a relief to know actually. I had genuinely no idea before.

nuttymango · 21/06/2016 23:36

I get comments frequently when meeting new people, I've got red hair and green eyes and an Icelandic name, people say i can't be Swedish/Norwegian/Russian/Icelandic (I'm not!) because they don't have red hair in Sweden/Norway/Russia/Iceland so where am I really from?

Pernicious · 21/06/2016 23:37

I was once asked this when working in a bar. When I explained I was REALLY from the very town we were in, the bloke decided my English was probably quite poor, and told me, loudly and clearly, "the weather is probably much nicer in your country".

UnhappyMeal · 21/06/2016 23:38

People are always asking me this. I just say "Do you want to know why I'm brown??!!??"

Usually shuts them up!

Couchpotato3 · 21/06/2016 23:43

I understand why people are offended by this sort of question, but is there a way that somebody could ask you about your heritage (because they are genuinely interested, no agenda) without making you feel uncomfortable? I often meet people who I would like to ask about their connections to other places in the world, but I wouldn't want to upset anyone. Or is this always a no-no, full stop?

ButtonLoon · 21/06/2016 23:43

There's a huge number of redheads in Iceland! The vikings did stop in the British isles quite often!

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 21/06/2016 23:44

. Id just say. I was born in Stockport, but my dad is Iranian. People don't know that you were born here, Well that applies to any of us. I know that. They're just taking an interest in your heritage which I hope and you should be very proud of.
My dad's friend is black and either his mum or dad are Egyptian. I asked was he born in Egypt and he said " No I was born here". He wasn't offended of annoyed.

W8woman · 21/06/2016 23:46

Why are you so defensive about being partially Iranian?

I'm not Iranian, but there's something I find a bit distasteful about insisting on your British/Stockport at the expense of your Iranian ancestry. You may not have any cultural links with the place but feeling resentful even about being asked about it in the course of smalltalk is surely offensive to British Iranians?

Like a previous poster, I much prefer the chat amongst Americans about heritage. We are all an interesting mixture and I like that sense of pride in all aspects of one's origins.

Iggii · 21/06/2016 23:48

I never ask this. I find if someone gets to know you then they may well mention themselves their granny in India/Italy/Iran etc, there is no need for me to ask. I am curious about a lot of things but that doesn't mean it's ok to ask them.

Couchpotato3 · 21/06/2016 23:48

Sorry, my MN feed isn't showing all the replies for some reason, so just realised I've duplicated what others have said.

Original poster

maggiethemagpie · 21/06/2016 23:48

Couchpotato: If they get to know me they can ask about family background .

If they're a stranger, then no not really!

It's just all the times people have said 'where are you really from' like I'm lying or something, can you not see why that question could be really annoying after a while?

I'm not embarrased of my heritage but I don't see it as relevant as I don't really feel iranian, or even half iranian, so talking about it seems weird to me also then they start asking me about iran and I don't really have much more to say about it as a country than any other country I have no relatives there or anything they all left a long time ago.

OP posts:

Original poster

maggiethemagpie · 21/06/2016 23:50

It's not insulting to British Iranians... I do not identify as british iranian so why do I have to pretend I am?

Its my choice how I identify, just because someone who is genetically related to me lived in another country a long long time ago why do I have to adopt the identity of that country?

OP posts:

LittleWingSoul · 21/06/2016 23:53

Oh dear!

I have dual heritage - English and El Salvador and would never balk at this question really - life is too short!

I get asked this question loads (by people of every colour and ethnicity!) and am always proud to tell them of my dual heritage... especially as a lot of folk have never heard of El Salvador so I get to.give them a wee geography lesson too ;-)

I am olive skinned and generally the reply is an innocuous grin and "oh, I thought maybe you were Spanish or Italian'. Yeah, I get that a lot.

I don't know, we live in a pretty multi-cultural country and I think people are just curious. I know I can be! Better that than blind ignorance to the wonderful melting pot of heritage this world is full of.

And I'd MUCH rather this question to an actual racist slur, of which I have also received many.

Lighten up?

UnhappyMeal · 21/06/2016 23:53

I'm not embarassed of my heritage but I never quiz other people about where they are born or where their parents were born, where they are REALLY FROM etc. I don't get why people are always pushing to find out where I'm from. "London" should be a perfectly good answer for them, but I am always made to feel like a brown person isn't allowed to just be from London!

Troutfin27 · 21/06/2016 23:54

Millie - I don't mind people asking me where I'm from but I do mind their refusal to accept my first answer. I also get the 'oh but where are you from really?' thing and it drives me nuts. I was born here, I grew up here, I've only ever lived here. However, ONE of my parents was born in another country and I inherited her olive skin and Mediterranean-style hair and so I'm apparently not really English. These people will continue to ask the question until I say 'My mother is from x', so what they are really asking is 'what sort of foreigner are you?'

I find this happens more often outside London and generally comes from older people. And it is fucking RUDE!

Original poster

maggiethemagpie · 21/06/2016 23:55

Couldn't agree with you more Unhappymeal.

Little wing soul: When people ask where you're from what do you say? If you don't mention El Salvador straight away do you get 'No where really?' and if so what do you say then?

OP posts:

nuttymango · 22/06/2016 00:03

Button I know, I have family there, but most people seem to think that they are all blonde and blue eyed scandinavians

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