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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be annoyed when people ask where I'm REALLY from?

557 replies

maggiethemagpie · 21/06/2016 22:03

I'm of mixed heritage, my dad is iranian and my mum is english but my dad moved here as a student in the 1960s and kind of turned his back on his home country, so I've never really felt Iranian myself.

However I got all his genes as I look quite dark and nothing like my english mum.

People will sometimes ask 'where are you from' and I usually reply 'stockport' but no, that's not what they mean what they really mean is 'from what country do you get your appearance' so they will say 'no where are you really from'

And it annoys the feck out of me.

Why can't I just be from Stockport, as I just told them? I AM from stockport, I was born there, my mum was born there. OK my dad wasn't but they didn't ask where my dad was from, they asked where I was from.

And if I say no, really from Stockport then I come across as arsey. But I don't see why I should have to start explaining my genetic heritage to a stranger. Then I have to explain that, no, i'm not iranian even though my dad is and no I have never been there and no I don't speak the language.

AIBU to think it is rude for people to ask me this? And then insist on a different response to the one initially given?

OP posts:
DownWithThisSortaThing · 21/06/2016 22:51

I don't think it's the being interested thing that's the problem - it's not accepting the answer the person gives you as the true answer so saying 'but where are you really from?' And then expecting a complete stranger to detail their ethnic background to you so you understand why they're that colour. It's what it comes across as sometimes.
Really it's no ones fucking business.
I'm interested in a lot of things when I'm on the bus people watching for example, it doesn't mean it's fine for me to go up to them and ask personal questions. I worked with a woman a few years ago who clearly had a disability, she limped when she walked and wore hearing aids (it turns out she was partially deaf and she had scoliosis and mild cerebral palsy) but I didn't say 'why do you walk like that? Why can't you hear?' She was very open about it anyway and she explained about it in natural conversation. But it's just one of those things that feels nosy to walk up to someone and ask when you barely know them.

LaContessaDiPlump · 21/06/2016 22:51

ARGH, the video is already here. I wanted to post that! It's perfect Grin

Ironically no-one ever asks me the question as I look and sound British, but I am just ITCHING to fix them with a steely glare and refuse to indulge their crass curiosity (I'm half Arab btw)......

TooMuchMNTime · 21/06/2016 22:53

Maddening, I can't see it is a positive because they're saying my heritage is boring whereas they think my parents heritage is fascinating. That's an insult.

Maggie, I think it is racist if they are refusing to accept I'm English.

Out2pasture · 21/06/2016 22:54

I get what your saying but why can't you just say i'm from stockport but have Iranian heritage. not like it's a big deal your making a mountain out of a molehill. btw no matter what you name is in life you will be asked to spell it 1000000 times as well.

OrlandaFuriosa · 21/06/2016 22:54

It is rude. I sympathise and understand your fedupness.

It's also rude to ask me, white with RP pronunciation, where I come from and to be disbelieving and rude when I say the North as happens quite often. ( quite near Stockport, actually.) it's unbelievably rude when the person then starts imitating me' but they find it acceptable and not politically incorrect.

Original poster
maggiethemagpie · 21/06/2016 22:54

I suppose it is treating me differently based on skin colour, if they wouldn't say 'where are you really from' to a white person.

And treating someone differently based on skin colour is racism.

OP posts:
Buzzardbird · 21/06/2016 22:56

I think it's a badge for them to wear. Today they spoke to someone who is dual heritage

PacificDogwod · 21/06/2016 22:56

I think it is very rude, and (maybe unconsciously, but nonetheless) intrinsically racist.

I am white, both my parents are caucasian, but not actually from the same country Grin and my first language was not English. I have a forrin last name which I use in my professional life and I know quite enjoy how people tie themselves in knots as it 'just cannot be my name as I don't sound forrin' as I was once told. I am also told that I am from Ireland ([i'm not) and that I must be wrong when I tell them where I am from. I cannot be from the country I am from, apparently Hmm

People are just odd sometimes.

YANBU.

RedLarvaYellowLarva · 21/06/2016 22:58

We're all from Africa, right?

I get asked this (Eurasian ancestry) occasionally (more when I was younger, much less now, for some reason) and only ever found people genuinely interested in where I got my exotic looks from - not in a racist way at all (well, I never took it that way). People liked to guess, too.
My mother would answer like you though, OP, and I only ever found it frustrating and infuriating, like she was ashamed of her heritage. I was the opposite; growing up a little darker than pretty much all of my Surrey friends, I felt quite proud to look different. Didn't get that from my mother!
So no - whilst it is noone's actual business, I find viewing it as someone just being curious rather than racist or rude makes things nicer.

Original poster
maggiethemagpie · 21/06/2016 22:59

When they ask where am I really from, I might just turn it round and say 'do you mean why am I a darkie?' and watch them blush!

OP posts:
FreeButtonBee · 21/06/2016 23:00

Well I'm Irish and always get asked whereabouts I'm from as my accent is pretty hard to pin down even for Irish people. And I am always happy to discuss. And I am always interested in people's heritage because for me it informs my world view and I think it must do for many other people too. And I meet lots of people with mixed and non-White-English backgrounds who I'm only just getting to know and eg they talk about their inlaws (who they mention are not in the UK) and it feels weird not to know where they actually are (am taking new nursery/school friend/play dates, that sort of thing) if they are taking about visiting. Or a name for a child that you have no idea of its background.

But it is hard to think of a way to ask (in the stream of a normal two way conversation covering many aspects of life in the time that small children permit) without sounding like a dickhead. But the 'don't ever ask' response feels a bit too blunt to me.

I sometimes say 'what's your family/parents background?' Fairly neutral, sometimes people tell me lots of detail and we have a nice long chat about families and life. Sometimes they ignore the question and I assume they don't want to discuss and I drop the subject entirely. Sometimes they clarify the question and we have a nice long chat or they answer evasively/don't answer and again I drop the subject.

DownWithThisSortaThing · 21/06/2016 23:00

I also currently work with a woman who was born and grew up in South Africa and is white. She gets the 'where are from really' when she says she is South African. She said one person was adamant she couldn't be African because she is white Hmm it is about colour imo.

timelytess · 21/06/2016 23:04

I get this all the bloody time and I am 100% white British, with a bit of Irish somewhere
Similar background. People are always making assumptions about me. Old dears at bus stops drop ridiculous hints about ISIS - and me standing there with me big silver cross and open hair. Went to a folk concert recently, in Liverpool, and afterwards a woman asked "Did you enjoy that?" "Oh, yes," I replied innocently, "Did you?" "Yes," she said, huffily, "but..." She didn't quite get as far as to say "You're foreign!" but it was there in her face!

MozzieRocks · 21/06/2016 23:04

YANBU - I get this and I am from the U.K. and so is everyone else in my family, we just happen to have a darker skin tone that tans well. It's really difficult because I have to insist I am from the U.K. but they don't believe me and I end up feeling irritated it. Why does it even matter where anyone is from? Like pp said if people want you to know they will tell you. Hmm

Sabie · 21/06/2016 23:08

I do understand why it annoys you but haven’t we come a long way as a society taking an interest in heritage and having the confidence to talk about it.

I get asked the same thing based on my looks (Greek-ish) but there's no heritage outside of London for generations....

Balletblue · 21/06/2016 23:09

I hate being asked where I'm from because we moved around such a lot when I was growing up. I'm not from anywhere in particular.

Tartsamazeballs · 21/06/2016 23:12

I had this on a flight back to England- a woman who was a bit daily mail asked where I was from and I was all "errr Hometown??" And she replied "no, where are you really from", and tutted at me when I didn't understand. Followed up with "where did you get your dark eyes from?", I was completely oblivious and replied "err my mum??". She thought I was being obnoxious and refused to talk to me. It wasn't til afterwards my husband said "she thought you were from somewhere else"

Literally never been more confused in my life- I'm from Norfolk and Irish stock. I'm so pasty-pale that "white British" might as well be written through me like Brighton rock.

Opened my eyes a bit to racism and marginalising behaviour, that's for sure.

FinallyHere · 21/06/2016 23:14

I did a double take on my first visit to California, when someone asked me whether I wad from 'round here'. First reaction was to say 'course not, can't you tell I'm English. On second thoughts, I realised that it was a lovely way of putting it. Thats what i ask people...

Schwabishe i recognise that longing to know, so i ask people whether they speak any other languages. Simples.

TooMuchMNTime · 21/06/2016 23:14

I find if you let people tell you about themselves, you find out about the world they actually inhabit.

If you ask them questions, you just get the answers to your questions but no actual information.

Maggie, I am so trying that line about being a darkie! Grin

TooMuchMNTime · 21/06/2016 23:16

Finally, does the language question help you? I don't speak any other languages. My sister speaks another language but it's nothing to do with our ancestry.

honeysucklejasmine · 21/06/2016 23:17

I think some people use "where are you from?" to mean "why are you not white?" which is pretty damn awful really.

I got a few comments about my accent when I studied in Wales with a welsh surname. I was born in England and lived near London. I suppose in all these cases you are challenging people's default position, whether that be that welsh surname owning people should have a welsh accent, or that people born in the UK should be white.

Quite insidious, really.

herethereandeverywhere · 21/06/2016 23:17

OP: worse than your experience I can remember an acquaintance asking about my (Iranian heritage) friend, 'what is she?' I was HmmConfused and genuinely didn't understand the question so I said 'what, you mean like is she my friend?' and acquaintance said 'no, is she just tanned?' Shock Shock Shock

As a related aside, I have many US work colleagues. They are all very open about their 'heritage' in a proud way and I was quite taken aback when one asked of my British (Asian origin) colleague, 'is she Punjabi? Hindi? Sikh?' I actually didn't and couldn't answer. I don't know because it's never been a topic of conversation!

Alisvolatpropiis · 21/06/2016 23:19

It is rude, Yanbu.

A relative of my husband once did this to a waiter at a restaurant we were at. A young black man with the most London of London accents, it was obvious where he was from and therefore equally obvious what she meant when she asked "where are you really from" when his response didn't fit with what she wanted him to stay. She just wouldn't drop it until I outright said "he's from London, he's told you that twice already, just stop it".

I've had people refuse to believe I'm not Eastern European more than once and got the whole "no really, where are you from" line.

milliemolliemou · 21/06/2016 23:19

Can one just be genuinely interested? Met a doctor today and couldn't quite work out her accent (and I'm fascinated by them) and just asked her - she was German, but got to where exactly in Germany, Ended up discussing the Referendum.

Asking where you are REALLY from when clearly it's the UK duh, is insulting. But would there be an acceptable way of asking for those who are fascinated by the huge mixture (and delighted by it) where their families come from? . I have North East and East African, South African and Mid Eastern relatives and boast about them when asked. I often (accent-chasing) ask passing people where they are from wherever in the UK or the world they come from..

So is it just an absolute no go as a question?

OP is NBU from her original post

mimishimmi · 21/06/2016 23:19

I get it all the time so I had a DNA test done and I am 98% European. I have a couple of Iranian friends and they tell me I'd fit right in which makes it more than a bit worrisome in these GWOT witchhunt times. We just have dark genes ... Celtic, Jewish, East European. I'm only 2% Scandinavian.