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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be annoyed when people ask where I'm REALLY from?

557 replies

maggiethemagpie · 21/06/2016 22:03

I'm of mixed heritage, my dad is iranian and my mum is english but my dad moved here as a student in the 1960s and kind of turned his back on his home country, so I've never really felt Iranian myself.

However I got all his genes as I look quite dark and nothing like my english mum.

People will sometimes ask 'where are you from' and I usually reply 'stockport' but no, that's not what they mean what they really mean is 'from what country do you get your appearance' so they will say 'no where are you really from'

And it annoys the feck out of me.

Why can't I just be from Stockport, as I just told them? I AM from stockport, I was born there, my mum was born there. OK my dad wasn't but they didn't ask where my dad was from, they asked where I was from.

And if I say no, really from Stockport then I come across as arsey. But I don't see why I should have to start explaining my genetic heritage to a stranger. Then I have to explain that, no, i'm not iranian even though my dad is and no I have never been there and no I don't speak the language.

AIBU to think it is rude for people to ask me this? And then insist on a different response to the one initially given?

OP posts:
Atipipipi · 23/06/2016 19:10

Thank you!. It's such a simple question but these days everything about the world is complicated. The only reason it would annoy me is when I'm not proud of my heritage. I was born in london but I'm Egyptian and I'm always happy to say I am from Egypt.

Pilgit · 23/06/2016 19:12

I don't know. I love to know about people's heritage. It really interests me. I don't see anyone as any less British. One of the amazing things about our country is the melting pot of culture and heritage. It all comes together to make this country the amazing place it is. But I can see how people could find it annoying. It's never something I ask at first. Only when I know the person and they know I'm nosy about such things!

Atipipipi · 23/06/2016 19:17

Wow! Everything is offensive these days. The thing is the English are happy to tell they are English but it's an offence to mention another heritage. It sounds so sad

Notmuchtosay1 · 23/06/2016 19:21

Yes they are rude. I'd never ask. I My oldest children are blonde, fair skin with blue eyes like me. My youngest is olive skin with dark hair and dark eyes. I get the "don't your oldest 2 look like you" then they look at my youngest and say "is he like his Dad?" I have been asked where his Dad is from too. But he's British just has olive skin. So I expect my youngest will be asked where he's from too.

RhiWrites · 23/06/2016 19:23

I'm English but when people ask me "where are you really from?" they mean "why aren't you white".

It has nothing to do with being English. And the fact that Altipipi assumes brown people aren't English is part of the problem.

Mummytoourspecialbaby · 23/06/2016 19:37

I use to get this all the time as I'm half white and half Singaporean. It doesn't bother me now but when I was younger I use to say I was English as my Dad is and I was born here.

The video link on page 2 is generally how one of my conversations normally go!

roundtable · 23/06/2016 19:38

If you ask someone you don't know a personal question and they answer - it's rude to follow it up with but no where are you really... like they're stupid or lying.

It would be the same with:

'How old are you?'
'26'
'No how old are you really?'

Or

'What size clothes are you?'
'12'
'No what size are you really?'

Or

'What do you do for a living?'
'Doctor'
'No what really is your job?'

And replace with as many scenarios as you like. It's rude. If someone gives you an answer, than accept it. Especially when you've only just met them.

roundtable · 23/06/2016 19:39

Then not than!

Pangurban1 · 23/06/2016 19:45

I'd prefer to be asked.

When we visit Greece, I get asked if I am English and my husband gets asked if he is German. No to both.

I am queried in a fairly innocuous way. However, we have experienced people being a little cold shouldered to DH. This evaporated when he explained that he is not German. This was in Crete. We wouldn't have noticed it except they were a lot friendlier afterwards. We would just have thought the person was a bit of a a*se.

Heritage is interesting. Nosiness is part of human nature. I remember meeting a fellow at a party aeons ago. His father was French. I thought him very glamorous indeed.

It doesn't have anything to do with citizenship or Nationality. Look at the U.S. Except for native Americans, everyone is something-American. Look at Tiger Woods and Isabella Rossellini. TW has a very varied heritage African American and Thai included. IR is Swedish/German/Italian.

Pangurban1 · 23/06/2016 19:46

Forgot Donald Trump. German heritage on fathers side and Scottish on mothers.

TheNorthRemembers · 23/06/2016 19:50

osquito That is exactly what I wanted to post Grin I love Parks & Rec.

It is a very rude question, and sometimes impossible to answer. I moved to England from abroad, so I say which country I came from. But my Dad's mate traced back our family tree back to the 18th century, and I do not have a single ancestor who is ethnically my (obviously adopted) nationality. You have no idea about the melting pot until you married an Eastern European. So many armies / nations / marauding forces crossing back and forth.
People say there has never been such a big migration as it is now. Bollocks. After big wars rulers always encouraged devastated but agriculturally fertile parts of the country to be repopulated. Up until the 2nd world war every village where I was brought up had 4-5 ethnically separate parts with their own languages, churches. The war put paid to that.

TooMuchMNTime · 23/06/2016 19:53

Camel, think of it from your imaginary daughter's point of view, she's born and raised in Korea and now my age, forty.

If someone asks her where she's from and she says, Korea, and they say, no really, can you see why she might be pissed off?

star1980 · 23/06/2016 19:53

Those suggesting that the op is ashamed of or trying to hide her heritage are being ridiculous. There are many things I am proud of but don't welcome strangers prying about in rude ways.

You're asking the op to claim a nationality that isn't really hers, whilst she is actually Stockport born and bred!

I went through a period in my teens of preempting the meaning behind the question and saying I was Nigerian. The follow-up questions are all about which region and what's it like and I couldn't answer them as I'd never been.

Original poster
maggiethemagpie · 23/06/2016 19:56

When Altipipi says 'the english are happy to say they are english' she illustrates the problem.

I am english. I am happy to say I am english. But it's never the right answer....because I am brown.

Thanks for illustrating this so well, Altipipi.

And I'm not ashamed of being half Iranian but I do feel uncomfortable with it, because it's not a culture I know or feel a need to know. I wasn't brought up with any Iranian customs, celebrations, language etc. So it doesn't feel part of my identity.

OP posts:
SarahAnderson · 23/06/2016 19:57

If we avoided all topics that might offend someone we would never get to know anyone at all! Can't ask where you're from, can't ask about your pregnancy, can't ask about your parents, .... what a shame having to walk on eggshells so much.

To me this is very sad.

Original poster
maggiethemagpie · 23/06/2016 20:03

SarahAnderson.... yes, it is not right to pry too much before you get to know someone.

And I really don't mind tooo much being asked where I'm from if they accept the 'stockport' answer. It's the 'no really, or no originally' that is wrong. Because they are essentially saying I can't just be from Stockport.

OP posts:
star1980 · 23/06/2016 20:03

But SarahAnderson, that is not true. You can ask about all these things, but not immediately to a stranger and not before politely gauging whether the person is happy to talk about them. Or, ask away and accept you will hurt and offend some people if you do it in the way described in the original post.

I don't think bearing people's feelings in mind in our desire to find out everything about them (why??) is a sad situation at all.

TooMuchMNTime · 23/06/2016 20:07

Sarah, I'm repeating myself...but perhaps worth it.
I find it very easy to meet and get on with new people. cinversations evolve and flow without any personal questions, people volunteer information.

falange · 23/06/2016 20:28

YABU. It's just a natural question. Nobody is asking it to be rude.

mammamic · 23/06/2016 20:41

I find it bizarre that complete strangers are pushing for this info.

If it's ppl you know then IMO, YABU. We like to know about those around us - our curiosity is part of what makes us human and sociable.

Jussa1347 · 23/06/2016 20:45

I would not be offended at all, I work with the general public and I see maybe 20 different people a day, some people are busy and don't want to make a connection but many people are genuinely interested and will ask questions...... Many people think this is 'nosy' I take it as a compliment and will answer any questions as I can then control how much or how little I want to reveal, people love to hear stories of exotic people from exotic lands or anyone who they feel has taken a different path in life..... My story..... I'm a scouser living down south Iam a Baha'i, my father is also Iranian people love to hear the story how he fled the Ayatollah as much as I love to tell it. Please understand many people are lonely and you may be the only person they speak to that day.

confusionis · 23/06/2016 20:50

'whats your racial heritage' is probably a better way of phrasing it. But quite honestly, its not something of any importance. Sometimes I want to know because I am a nosy person, but its of no significance really.

Boysdontcry · 23/06/2016 20:51

I grew up in Bahrain, was born there, lived there for over 40 years. My children were all born there. I consider it more my home than the UK. Truth of the matter, as soon as we are no longer employed there, there fore no sponsor , we have to leave. Only ever guests there. Doesn't matter where I was born or my kids. How long I was there. Am British not Bahraini even if I considered myself to be.

VenusRising · 23/06/2016 20:59

I agree Jussa, what's wrong with a bit of conversation?
You don't have to answer any questions at all, ever! Answer with a question, or try and find a common ground. Ignore questions that are blunt and tell a joke.

Really, everyone is so different, why try and make people all think the same as you and tell them off for having an interest, or even a prejudice, or opinion?

Ask people why they want to know? Ask is what they really want to know where you got your 'tan'? Ask them have they heard of Charles Darwin? Ask them did they know we all come from Africa at one point?

Ask them if they've read the book 'men are from Mars, women are from Venus'? Wink

Really, there's no need to take offence at anything anyone says to you, at all! We are all different, let's celebrate that, and rejoice in our similarities too!

Of course if you're up for an argument, you'll find one undoubtably.

2rebecca · 23/06/2016 21:07

If you have just met someone then assuming you are in a situation when you are wanting to chat and aren't just opposite someone who would rather read their book on a train then don't you usually just start chatting about the situation that has brought you together? Eg at my amateur orchestra we discuss music and our instruments and gradually get on to other stuff. Not sure I know where any of the folk I sit near are from. If it's Blackpool or India so what?