AIBU to be annoyed when people ask where I'm REALLY from?

[maggiethemagpie]

I'm of mixed heritage, my dad is iranian and my mum is english but my dad moved here as a student in the 1960s and kind of turned his back on his home country, so I've never really felt Iranian myself.

However I got all his genes as I look quite dark and nothing like my english mum.

People will sometimes ask 'where are you from' and I usually reply 'stockport' but no, that's not what they mean what they really mean is 'from what country do you get your appearance' so they will say 'no where are you really from'

And it annoys the feck out of me.

Why can't I just be from Stockport, as I just told them? I AM from stockport, I was born there, my mum was born there. OK my dad wasn't but they didn't ask where my dad was from, they asked where I was from.

And if I say no, really from Stockport then I come across as arsey. But I don't see why I should have to start explaining my genetic heritage to a stranger. Then I have to explain that, no, i'm not iranian even though my dad is and no I have never been there and no I don't speak the language.

AIBU to think it is rude for people to ask me this? And then insist on a different response to the one initially given?

Well this amuses me

I'm often in the exact same situation. Although I do identify somewhat with my mixed heritage. I do cook traditional food and have some traditional items and customs etc.

Do you celebrate norooz and Eid? .. the best part about being mixed is you get even more to celebrate :) I was lucky enough that my parents carried on with their respective traditions.

Most of the time when I get asked "Where are you REALLY from" it's in a farmer accent ... I live down south. It's even worse when the farmers start interrogating. It really does mean: You're not white, and you're not like us. You are not one of us!!
Way to make someone feel like an outsider (in my experience).

I just guage it - if someone is just interested, I tell them about my mum. If someone is being a dickhead about it, then I do just tell them Newcastle. And then ask them where they're really from - when they reply "Round 'ere! Just these parts" I then ask, well what about your mum, dad? What about your mum's mum? And her dad? And your dad's dad? Where are you REALLY from, eh? No, I mean where are you really REALLY from...

I get asked all the time, I've never even thought twice about it, I'm very hard to offend, I just think people are curious. Most of our friends are quite international.

OP, you are not being unreasonable.

I get this although less so these days. I know that people aren't meaning to be rude, but the real question is 'Why are you black?' as PP have said. I'm happy to answer that question in whatever form (even as direct as 'why are you black?') and wouldn't see it as rude in the context of a conversation. But when a stranger asks me where I am from, I'll tell them where I was born (Yorkshire). Sometimes I'll add on "but my parents are Nigerian" but don't see why I should all the time.

Now I live in London, I think I get asked the question because of my accent (Yorkshire) but sometimes it is because of my skin colour and it gets a bit tiring having to preempt what a person means by the simple question 'where are you from?'

A while ago I was on a spa break in the Cotswolds. An older lady asked me where I was from and I said London. She looked confused so I asked if she meant where I was born.
Her: yes
Me: Yorkshire
Her: /nooooo/ I mean are you from Barbados or Jamaica or somewhere like that.
Me: Oh, I see. Well my parents are Nigerian.
Her: Oh right, I haven't been there. I've been to Barbados and Jamaica and St Lucia.
Me: Oh lovely. And are they nice?
Her: Well, haven't you been?!

And on and on. She was lovely and well meaning, and also an idiot.

I think I'll say "do you mean why am I not White?"

I'd really like to say "there's a factory at Kings cross churning out non white Londoners, didn't you wonder why the regeneration took so long?"

To the people talking about melting pots, when people are asking "where are you really from" they are the ones in denial about the existence of the melting pot. FFS didn't London have a black mayor in the 1900s?

YANBU.

But the only way to deal with a stupid question, or stupidity in general, is with composed politeness.

Keep smiling!

Nrtft
I'm.mixed heritage and now live outside the UK so get asked loads with the follow.up question of where really/ or more bluntly why are you brown then?
I've always found it funny rather than rude.

No YANBU...it's rude. It happens to my partner and children alot,they are of very complex heritage, Indian, Dutch, Irish, Jewish. . Especially as one is very fair skinned and could 'pass'. My partner always answers with the quaint English market town in which he was born....and we move on....

BTW.

You may not have ever been to Iran or speak the language, but I hope you have picked up a few recipes from your father, as Iranian cuisine is bloody marvellous.

This really annoys me!! I have a 15 year old daughter that is mixed race. And has dark skin dark hair and green eyes. She has had all sorts said about her. From her only being able to run fast Cus of the colour of her skin. (She is a keen athlete and is very fast) also recently local boys have been asking her where her "real" dad comes from. And is he a member of Isis and calling her a pakki. The thing is she can't answer the questions they're asking as she has only had a on off relationship with him and it's been off for the past 6 years. I find this kind of thing very offensive. And it makes me sad to read things like this as it looks like it's something she will have to put up with throughout her life.

Lovely lady with the obvious beautiful complexion, why are you not proud to say my dad is from Iran and be pleased about it, you seem eager to point out 'my dad turned his back on his country.' My dad came from another country in the 60's and he loves the UK and appreciate all he achieved here but he is also pleased of where he came from and brought us up to be pleased too.
I ask people where they come from and they ask me, and I am not offended,
May be you need to find out about your culture and heritage and richness there is in it.

Sherbrooke, I hate those sorts of comments too. Be interested to see what OP feels. when someone says that to my face I think "ah, they are still focussing on the country I don't come from".

Forris "May be you need to find out about your culture and heritage and richness there is in it."

Ye gads. If i had a dollar for every time I heard that...

With me, it's my surname. I have the same issue when people ask where I am from, as the town where I am from in the NW is not that well known ! People will let you know if they want to let you know, I have only just found out a work colleague is also Persian in origin - his christian name and surname are not Islamic (and neither is he), but I've known him 5 years and wondered, but never asked. But I wouldn't generally ask.

Surely her culture is British? She's from Stockport you know! It's her dad that's from Iran.

BTW I also have a beautiful complexion, which has nothing to do with my colour. Is that allowed?

That's to ForrIs BTW

I get it, it is annoying. However it is normally not intended in a rude way, just natural and a bit ignorant curiosity. I don't mind as long as ppl don't ask me that within 5seconds of meeting me. As long as they made a bit of an effort to be nice and friendly first I don't mind answering. Otherwise I'll stick to 'newton-le-willows, why?'. Husband never gets asked tho, no accent (unlike me, even tho he came over at the same time as me) but skin colour different (I'm white) but I think ppl are more afraid to ask nowadays in that context...

I ask, "why do you want to know?" Or "are you asking me that because you want to know where I got my tan?" And then laugh!

Or, "As Charles Darwin said, the same place as you!".

I love hearing about other peoples ancestry and where their families came from and how they got together. My family is definately more mixed than anything in particular. As is everyone's actually if you think about it.

I think one can get upset about things if one isn't armed with a few answers. I used to get the are you going to have another one, pregnancy questions. As do many people. I don't think it's worth getting all hot and bothered about.

Maybe ask them why they want to know? It could be you remind them of an auntie. Of course if you feel its hostile, tell them "the human race"!
Or that you're "from Venus, like all women".

A bit of humour can smooth over the rough edges I find.

It depends. We did a project at school where I work and I asked the kids about their heritage rather than where they were from, but that's what people mean. Most are genuinely curious if you have an exotic look about you. On the flipside, my daughter is officially half Chinese but Irish genetics means you can't really tell. We get people, even hospital staff, saying 'oh, this must be a mistake on her form', crossing it out and putting White British...which I don't even put on my forms!

When my daughter was small, people used to tut because she was so tanned due to her blonde hair, green eyed combo. I slather her in Factor 50, she's just darker skinned and tans easily!

Wow, can't believe people are telling the OP how she (and her dad) should feel about her heritage. Have you stopped to consider there are many, many reasons why someone may choose to 'turn their back' on the country they are originally from and no longer want to be associated with it, and that none of them are any of your damn business?

Oh I am right there with you, if YABU then I am too. Then again, the older I've got the more I've accepted the question and got less annoyed. Living in London just about everyone has some mixed heritage they want to shout about.

I'm so sorry to hear your daughter is having to hear racist shit like that firsttimemum :-(

I'm white British and often get asked where I'm from originally. I think it's because so many people in London aren't from here. I'm really interested in people's stories about how their families came together so would be genuinely interested to know someone's heritage. If I moved to say, South Korea and had a baby there, I wouldn't go around saying that my DC was Korean. I'd expect there to be questions about where I've come from as I'm clearly not Korean. Might get annoying having to point it out but I think dodging the hidden question just prolongs the tedious conversation so if I was you I'd probably just mentioned the Iranian background as a matter of course.

Yanbu.
I think if someone is asked "where are you from?" and they answer "Well I'm from Stockport but my father is Iranian..." etc, then they are likely proud of/involved in their mixed heritage so question away, nosey parkers. However, if they simply reply "Stockport" then the truth is any further questioning IS rudeness (be it of a prying, presumptuous or racist type). Don't even get me started on "But where are you REALLY from?"... I think a PP's proposed reply of "What are you REALLY asking?" is best - a ballsy stranger will admit they just want to know why you are dark, whereas a sensible person will realise their questions could be offensive and will leave it be.