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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be annoyed when people ask where I'm REALLY from?

557 replies

maggiethemagpie · 21/06/2016 22:03

I'm of mixed heritage, my dad is iranian and my mum is english but my dad moved here as a student in the 1960s and kind of turned his back on his home country, so I've never really felt Iranian myself.

However I got all his genes as I look quite dark and nothing like my english mum.

People will sometimes ask 'where are you from' and I usually reply 'stockport' but no, that's not what they mean what they really mean is 'from what country do you get your appearance' so they will say 'no where are you really from'

And it annoys the feck out of me.

Why can't I just be from Stockport, as I just told them? I AM from stockport, I was born there, my mum was born there. OK my dad wasn't but they didn't ask where my dad was from, they asked where I was from.

And if I say no, really from Stockport then I come across as arsey. But I don't see why I should have to start explaining my genetic heritage to a stranger. Then I have to explain that, no, i'm not iranian even though my dad is and no I have never been there and no I don't speak the language.

AIBU to think it is rude for people to ask me this? And then insist on a different response to the one initially given?

OP posts:
lovemyway · 23/06/2016 16:06

*proud

2rebecca · 23/06/2016 16:21

I am neither proud nor ashamed of my heritage. It is what it is. I don't see that where my parents were born or even where I was born are the things that made me the person I am today though.
If I know someone well we might end up discussing our childhoods but it's not normally something you discuss with someone you just met, and my sister and I had similar childhoods but are very different people.

MarklahMarklah · 23/06/2016 16:59

theelectric I understand what you're saying. In the case of getting to know someone, in the course of normal conversation then these things do come up. However, OP was talking about the context of a stranger approaching on the street.

I'm white british - I have scottish heritage, possibly other mixtures if I were to go further back. I have friends from many different cultural and ethnic backgrounds, and I have come to know the details of their heritage, family background, etc. over time. I just would not dream of saying, "No, where are you really from?" At best it sounds as though you're disbelieving the person you're asking. At worst, it sounds as though you're meaning "But you're not white..."

roundtable · 23/06/2016 17:11

I've had this happen so many times.

I hate it. Apart from the fact that I'm adopted - I only know my birth father's name and even then it's debatable whether that's accurate so I don't even know for sure.

I put it along with when I was a teenager/young adult, being regularly asked to justify what other black people had apparently said that someone had taken umbrage with. Or make them feel better about something racist someone they knew had said.

I couldn't articulate why I found it so uncomfortable when I grew up. I went to university and found my voice after one comment too many. I have zero patience for any of it now.

PursuitOfNappiness · 23/06/2016 17:27

I don't see the problem, my husbands family are Italian, he is very English. Born in England, very cockney accent but very Italian looks.

He gets asked this question all the time and is very proud to say his family originates from Italy.

MrJones1977 · 23/06/2016 17:31

It is rude but I would have some fun with it. Find a country that has ceased to be in the last 2 to 3 decades and say you're from there. Create a crazy back story too, something nuts like your parents were pioneering genetic scientists but had to defect due to government views or some other crazy thing.

VeryBitchyRestingFace · 23/06/2016 17:32

I'm white, British born. My accent is slightly different to that of the area I live in because I lived abroad as a child.

I get the "but where are you really from??" question.

Just saying that being white doesn't necessarily protect you from these kinds of questions.

It doesn't bother me, but I can see why it bothers people when predicated on the colour of the skin.

Picture1 · 23/06/2016 17:34

I actually find it lovely that people are interested in where my roots are from, they sometimes don't know how to word it. They see my skin colour and know I'm not white - so are interested in my heritage. Even though im born and brought up here I still hold onto my culture which is actually quite important to me.
Saying they are rude surely makes them now worry they are 'saying the wrong thing' when they are curious - and shouldn't ask - as its 'rude'

Yes some people are ignorant to these things, but surely asking questions helps people to understand and welcome the melting pot of cultures and colours that Britain has become?

cazzar1 · 23/06/2016 17:36

I don't think it's a rude question at all. They are probably interested in knowing more about you. There are a lot more ruder questions they could ask, I'm sure!

ZimmieMatNurse · 23/06/2016 17:36

I also get....oh I didn't expect that accent..I'm black but have a 'posh' Cambridge accent Hmm. I also get "where are you originally from and I change my answer to make myself laugh.

cushion53 · 23/06/2016 17:37

I think you should be immensely proud of having Iranian heritage. A fabulous country with a rich and glorious past. I have many Iranian friends. Well educated and cultured. I'm going to buck the trend here and argue YABU. Tell them about the origin of your exotic good looks and be happy and gracious to do so.

Mysteries · 23/06/2016 17:43

I've got this thing about wanting t know what people's mother tongue is (if they speak with an accent I can't place). I just want to learn. Language is what I do. I think about language a lot of the tim e. So is it impolite to ask what someone's mother tongue is?

Evergreen17 · 23/06/2016 17:44

Yep. I get asked that. Rude and infuriating

DanicaRose3 · 23/06/2016 17:48

Ur taking this way too seriously. Nobody's holding a gun to yr head in interrogations. Why can't u just ignore ppl like that, change the subject or politely excuse yourself and walk away? Sounds like ur ashamed of yr heritage :/

Rgtwinmum · 23/06/2016 17:49

DH gets this all the time, what they really mean is 'why are you brown?' It fascinates people! I'm white and no one ever asks me where I'm from sigh. DH answers London and then they ask about his parentage and he replies again 'also London' and they get all frustrated as its not what they really mean. He has started to make countries up just for amusement! Heheheh

neveradullmoment99 · 23/06/2016 17:50

Why should it bother you? I come from an Italian background and am proud of it. I wasnt born there but if people say, where are from it really doesn't bother me in the slightest. I do think yabu.

originalmavis · 23/06/2016 17:50

My DS is mixed and was in a shop once and the assistant keep squinting at him.

Where's he from?
London
No where's he really from?
London
Is he a bit....?
Eh? Meaning?
Oh I'm from xxxxxx, and thought he might be a bit too (turns out he is).

Not badly meant, not well put, but hey.

Everybody does it. It's annoying if they say 'oooh, isn't your English good?' but people are curious if someone looks like they have some roots from somewhere else.

I'm happy to give people the full soggy saga of the Mavis lineage, as far as I know it, plus the family embellishments.

MoronsandNeurons · 23/06/2016 17:50

I don't really get it. It may be cheeky to ask but I think it's human nature.
I usually reply with the town I'm from but when some say I don't look English I'm delighted to tell them about where my grandparents were from. It's part of my heritage and I like being a bit different. I also don't ever recall having had a negative reaction from it.
You shouldn't have to tell them where you're from, but does it bother you that your heritage is Iranian? I can't really see why it's an issue.
If you feel uncomfortable you could just say 'I'm from Stockport but my family is mixed'. That should be generic enough to put them off. Or just say 'I'd rather not say' or 'that's a bit cheeky isn't it?' But I think most people would be surprised as it's usually genuine curiosity.

Oatplum · 23/06/2016 17:53

This is a very rude way of them to ask you. My children are mixed white and Pakistani. I get it all the time and some people ask if I'm their nanny as they look nothing like me!! One person looked confused and said to my daughter there is someone here to pick you up after an after school club as they thought I couldn't be her mother as I'm not Asian! I myself do occasionally ask people if I see their children look similar to mine but I say "what is their background" as feel its rude to assume they must be from somewhere else! My children are British with Pakistani background so if someone asks me where they are from I say England.

originalmavis · 23/06/2016 17:55

Or say 'from Persia '. A relative does that and once had someone say 'Its that a real place? I thought it was made up!' which amused her immensely, so she told him it was real and she flew to the UK by magic carpet.

dizzyfucker · 23/06/2016 17:56

Mysteries no that's not rude. I don't think it's rude. If someone obviously has an accent it is fine to say "Where are you from?". Usually people have accents because English is not their first language and they started speaking it after the age of 15, which means they did not grow up speaking English as a second language. If someone doesn't want to say then I would think they had a chip on their shoulder.

If however, they said "I'm from Bulgaria" and you said "No where are you really from?" then that would be rude and very similar to the experience the OP has.

Postchildrenpregranny · 23/06/2016 18:05

I sometimes ask people 'were you born in the UK?'Would you find that acceptable ?Most people seem happy to say 'well I was, but my mum/dad/whatever is from ....wherever' Have a slight, not obviously Welsh, accent myself and I sometimes get asked where I'm from . I'm Welsh and very proud of the fact .It's a rich heritage .

kitdomgen · 23/06/2016 18:05

It crossed my mind that you may feel, especially with there being so many negative comments about immigrants/muslims that it is a judgement on your skin tone and people are making assumptions as a result. My partner lived in new york but is British but because of his accent everyone asks him where he is from, every day, he thinks its amusing when he says he is from Sheffield and they think he is lying. My son is half Italian and looks it so is asked the same thing, he is proud of his heritage both sides. Love who you are, our country is a potpourri of many different cultures and origins and it makes it all the better for being so

corythatwas · 23/06/2016 18:12

Unlike many of the posters on this thread I am an actual authentic bona fide immigrant. Moved here at the age of 29. But I am blonde and blue eyed so I hardly ever get asked this question.

Lalala7 · 23/06/2016 18:16

Well I'd answer with a sweet smile "oh, you mean 'why is my skin not white when I'm from Stockport?"... I'd make sure I sound sweet and neutral with no hint of annoyance/aggressivity and see what happens next!
It is about insider/ outsider difference, making you feel 'out', even though many of those asking are quite unconscious of their inner motivation and genuinely believe they are asking out of interest.
It is out of place and super rude towards someone you do not know from Adam! (just in case there was a doubt :)) => the equivalent of asking someone met at a bus stop what the colour of their knickers is...
+
Physical appearance and cultural belonging are not one and the same, and people are not their distant ancestors nor do they hail from one distant ancestral land :)
+
It isn't a British problem though. It exists in Africa towards the whites, it exists in Japan towards westerners (assumed always to be American, tactless, clumsy etc), it exists in the Middle East towards westerners.
As said, it's about a knee-jerk reaction of unconscious discomfort when we can't make someone fit in our world and unconsciously can't decide if that person is safe.