AIBU to be annoyed when people ask where I'm REALLY from?

[maggiethemagpie]

I'm of mixed heritage, my dad is iranian and my mum is english but my dad moved here as a student in the 1960s and kind of turned his back on his home country, so I've never really felt Iranian myself.

However I got all his genes as I look quite dark and nothing like my english mum.

People will sometimes ask 'where are you from' and I usually reply 'stockport' but no, that's not what they mean what they really mean is 'from what country do you get your appearance' so they will say 'no where are you really from'

And it annoys the feck out of me.

Why can't I just be from Stockport, as I just told them? I AM from stockport, I was born there, my mum was born there. OK my dad wasn't but they didn't ask where my dad was from, they asked where I was from.

And if I say no, really from Stockport then I come across as arsey. But I don't see why I should have to start explaining my genetic heritage to a stranger. Then I have to explain that, no, i'm not iranian even though my dad is and no I have never been there and no I don't speak the language.

AIBU to think it is rude for people to ask me this? And then insist on a different response to the one initially given?

Yes, they have always asked. I used to get it in school a lot so I started saying I was Spanish because my dad plays flamenco and mum said there was a bit of Spanish somewhere.

If someone wants to get to know me I'd rather they talked about my hobbies or political views than which bits of the UK and abroad I've lived in over the years and where my parents were born.
exactly! at least that's how they should start, and if there is enough interest on both sides/people get on well, then maybe move on to heritage.
This is annoying not just to 'different' born-Brits but to people born abroad who had moved to the UK decades ago because they wanted to be Brits and don't identify with their original nationality much. People really should not be defined by their original country of birth as it wasn't their choice but they can choose to live anywhere they FEEL like home/identify with that culture.
So it's hugely annoying to be questioned first thing on introduction due to having an accent - when this person has been a British national for decades. It's not always the case at all that identity is strongly linked to ethnic heritage. Identity is about culture and everyday life/mentality of that person. For someone who genuinely became British by absorbing the culture from young age, it's very annoying to be asked 'where are you from' all the time because they feel British after decades of living here and of loving this country. Thankfully some people treat you as an individual first of all!

chelle a friend of mine recently moved from N. London to near you. Generally she's had no issues, and people 'politely' ask her where she's from. Nobody has asked intrusive questions.
Her heritage ( as she has told me) is mixed - Jamaican, St. Lucian & Ghanaian.

However, she did recently encounter someone very rude recently in the street who just shouted at her and called her "n**r". She told me this as she was upset by it. We then considered the fact that it was perhaps simpler that someone was openly racist than someone who made couched remarks.

I am on the fence here as to whether you are being unreasonable or not.

I should think lots of people are just being nosey and they don't know how to phrase their question appropriately - which is awkward because its a nosey question and technically none of their business, so they feel awkward about it (but still sufficiently nosey to ask anyway) and phrase it very badly.

I am always interested in peoples backgrounds/heritage/culture, cos I am a nosey sod - I have sufficient brains and manners not to ask unless its relevant or I am aware it wouldn't come across rude.

So - I think when people are just being nosey and a bit clumsy and you KNOW that what they mean is 'what is your heritage', then YABU to keep saying 'Stockport'...

However if they are being arseholes and want to come out with something racist then frankly it doesn't matter what you say they will still be arseholes.

So in your position I would say 'I was born in Stockport but if you mean whats my heritage.... then..... ' you can either tell them or tell them to mind their own business, or ask why thats relevant.

That said I haven't been in that position myself so maybe I would feel differently!

Frequently I get asked why I am in a wheelchair - not entirely comparable but still, because it is none of their business...

If I get funny about it, I make them feel bad and that means they feel bad about 'talking to a disabled person' and then they want to avoid it.. because they might be clumsy and stupid again and make themselves look thick and feel bad...

So I generally give people the condensed version even if it IS none of their business, or if I feel they are taking the piss ill take the piss back and tell them something ridiculous.

It is frankly less effort than being obstructive or confrontational about it - it isn't more or less likely that the person will then go on to be a dickhead about it, if they were going to be a dickhead, they probably already would be and nothing I can say will change that.

But I find generally not getting peoples backs up over them being a bit rude or thoughtless makes life a smidgen easier for me, so why wouldn't I do that?!

So yes they are BU to ask, because its generally rude, but when you know what they really mean YABU to be obstructive about it I think.

obstructive? really? Like the OP said, she doesn't really identify with being Iranian so it's exactly 'people who are interested in other cultures' who are likely to want to then strike up a conversation about the pre-Islamic glories of Persian civilization and get all put out when she's not interested (because she doesn't know!!!).

Why would you not want to say where your parents are from?

It doesn't matter why, so she doesn't need a reason

It's a free world, and people have the right not to give personal info out if they don't want to, it doesn't matter what their reasons are!! Even if they have no reason for being private, that's still ok.

Some people love to discuss their parents' heritage with anyone who will listen, very good for them, let them have fun with it. Some people don't, and that's ok too.

As for the nosy people saying they ask because they're just nosy, there's no law against being nosy, so you go ahead and ask anyone your nosy questions, but they don't have to answer. All I will say is that generally speaking nosiness is not regarded as a good character trait - being nosy is not really something to be proud of.

Even if you try to say you just find life interesting and you have a natural curiosity about other people, no, you're just nosy. Try to have a bit more self-control and stop bothering other people.

I'm Northern European in looks, but an immigrant, nearly 30 years ago.

To stumbly and others, your curiosity about total strangers - no matter how friendly you think you're being - does not trump their right to just get on with their day.

You don't know anything about the person's history, or what kind of a can of worms you'd be opening. You don't know why they left that country (and with the various waves of refugees from war-torn countries...), you don't know what they went through to get here. You clearly don't get that they've probably been asked this same question by other total strangers, some of whom don't even dress it up as "friendly", and that even if they don't find talking about their past any of traumatic, intrusive or rude, it is, at very least, boring to them.

I've had total strangers pester me, even insult and threaten me when I decline to engage in that conversation. People who probably still haven't exchanged 20 words with their next door neighbour think it's ok to force me into a conversation I find deeply upsetting.

And those who say "doesn't bother me...", well bully for you. But don't invalidate my experience.

And those who say "doesn't bother me...", well bully for you. But don't invalidate my experience

This is so important. No matter how vile people are to others, no matter how much pain and hurt they cause, there are always people who say it genuinely wouldn't bother them. That doesn't make it ok.

Threads about racism, sexism, disablism, etc, there will be posters who say they love it or they find it hilarious or otherwise enjoyable in some way. Or that it happens to their husband/best friend and they don't mind, they quite like it. Bollocks to that.

I didn't mind being asked questions about my pregnancy, but coming on here and seeing how many women hate it or find it painful or they just simply don't want to talk about it with a stranger, and how much they suffer from such questions, now I would never ask anyone about their pregnancy unless they bring it up. It's got fuck all to do with whether I personally would mind or not.

The fact that some people love being approached by a nosy parker so they can talk about themselves and share their personal histories doesn't mean it's ok to go round being nosy and causing distress to others.

Yes, I can see it could offend.

Mind you I ask people where they are from or say 'that's not a local accent' when I speak to them, if they sound non local (could be South African, Polish, Geordie etc) But I might not say it to a person who looks 'foreign' for fear of offending them.

So it could be that not asking where people are from is non integrating, you don't behave as you would if their skin was white.

I think someone with red hair might be asked similarly in the assumption they have Highland blood or Irish ancestors.

You could reply, OP, by asking wehre the asker is from. In reality only a small minority, ime, come from the local area they are in. Especially during the War people moved all over.

I wasn't talking about approaching total strangers, btw, who would do that????

And those who say "doesn't bother me...", well bully for you. But don't invalidate my experience

Yes, yes don't worry, your victim status has been duly noted

I would ask, "Do you mean, 'Where was I born' or 'what is my heritage" and in your case, add, "culturally I identify as Britsh/English", with an optional "ethnically I am biracial"

Why on earth should OP have to jump through these hoops to 'satisfy' strangers and get to the bottom of their intended question.
If you ask someone where they're from and they reply 'Stockport', they're from bloody Stockport! Regardless of ones benevolent 'interest' in their culture, the question has been asked and answered.

YY to the PP who said it's essentially asking 'why are you black?'

Op YANBU in my book, I feel it is covert racism and that people seek to label me as a cultural outsider because of the colour of my skin. I don't need to satisfy peoples curiosity, I'm born and bred in the UK, just because I'm not white does not mean I have to come from somewhere else.

If I asked a person with foreign looks, but a british accent where they were from and they said 'Staines' or something, I'd understand that they don't want to go into a long explanation of where their family come from - particularly with so many people of dual heritage these days it can be confusing!

What I've noticed though is that usually if they want to know where in the UK I am from they will say 'where do you live' or, if I get to know someone and they want to know where I lived as a child they will say' where did you grow up' or 'have you always lived in Stockport'.

The 'where are you from' question is a red flag to me because it indicates that the Stockport answer will be the wrong one! I can just tell when they really mean 'why are you brown'. Something in the tone of voice it's asked in can give it away...it can just seem somehow more inquisitive than askign me where I live.

Anyway I have now thought of the perfect retort when I get the 'where are you from really' question. I will now say 'oh, can't it be stockport?' or 'what's wrong with stockport?'

(there are a number of things wrong with stockport but that's an entirely different thread!')

yes yes!! onemorecupoftea - that's exactly it: being made to feel like a cultural outsider; being made to feel that you don't belong to a place that you feel you belong to.

I do understand how the OP feels because I've been told I look exotic (olive skin, dark wavy crazy hair, brown eyes) and I've had people saying "I really love your skin colour, I wish I could get as dark as you" and then ask me where am I from. When I say Worthing they don't believe it and I get the same "no where are you from originally"! My husband looks Northern European (blond hair, blue eyes) but he is Portuguese and people just assume he's British and get very surprised that my husband's English isn't as good as mine! There goes stereotypes!

Suprising how many british-going-back-generations (ie not parents or grandparents as immigrants) people have olive skin/dark hair!

It is weird how genetics works, I heard of one family where the dad was black and the mum white and they had twins and one was really fair and the other was black.

In my own family I don't look anything like my mum, and my partner is very pale red head so my daughter looks nothing like me! At least she'll be spared the 'no really where from' question.

maggie, sorry to ask again but in case you didn't see it - if you have any reading recs for the fallacy of race I'd love to hear them.

I'm surprised how many posters think we're being U.

I always remember a conversation I had while on a temp job. A fellow temp asked me all these stupid questions, did the dramatics about me not knowing anything, then I said to her "why would I be so excited to research this, there's FGM issues, my grandma had gazillions of children, not out of choice, no one chooses to be endlessly pregnant from 14" etc

she went silent, then said "there are so many great things about your country". I said again "It's not my country, but fire away, what's great" - she had visited and the people in her hotel were friendly, big whup.

but then she went into a rant about how discriminatory that particular workplace was. I could not believe that someone who had just so blatantly discriminated against me thought this workplace was sexist and ageist apparently. (It wasn't). Happily they found an excuse to get rid of her within a few days, I didn't work with her but she had a major attitude problem with work as well!

this kind of thing stays with you - my hackles rise immediately on hearing the question.

my boss told me about a client asking a black member of staff "where are you from?" Staff said "London". Client said "No, really, could you be more specific?" Staff said "Camden".

Apparently at this point everyone just started glaring at the client.

nice to work in a place that makes sense.

I don't have any reading recs for fallacy of race.. I was at the anne frank museum in amsterdam and just remember there was a plaque there saying that biologically there is only one race as the defniition is to be able to produce viable offspring (ie only when two races get together and can't produce viable offspring is it biologically separate races, like donkeys and horses)

I think that's the fallacy of race...

thanks Maggie.

This is a sensitive subject for me, too, though my situation is slightly different. The question “Where are you from?” is hard for me to answer honestly. I don’t feel I am from anywhere. My mum is from one country, my dad is from another, I grew up mostly in a third, then moved to country number four for uni and have been living in country number five for most of my adult life. I speak two languages to a native level, but my accent is a bit strange and hard to pin down in both of them. As a result, I am perceived as foreign everywhere I go, and I don’t really feel I belong anywhere. Which is a lot of emotional baggage to have dredged up pretty much every single time I meet someone new.
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I usually answer with a breezy “oh, I’m an international mix” and change the subject, but a significant number of people refuse to be deflected. It used to really bother me to essentially be pressured into giving what felt like quite personal information to people I didn’t even know, most of whom I would never see again. Nowadays, I try to see it as a useful filter (people who respond in a way that makes me uncomfortable are not people I’m interested in getting to know better), but to be honest, it still gets to me when I’m feeling vulnerable.

When I open up to people about how much it bothers me, I often get told that people are just being friendly, that they find it fascinating, that I should be proud of my multicultural background, that I shouldn’t get so defensive, and so on. I know all that. The thing is, knowing that people aren’t trying to upset me doesn’t stop me from getting upset. Knowing I should take pride in who I am doesn’t enable me to flip some sort of magic self-acceptance switch. Like many insecurities, it seems trivial to those who don’t share it. If you yourself don’t feel touchy about something, it’s very easy to tell others they shouldn’t feel touchy about it either. Much harder when you’re the one actually affected by it.

Was it this couple OP?

They had another set of twins and the same thing happened again!
I do wonder if they get fed up trying to explain that their daughters are actually twins. It just shows how unpredictable and diverse genes can be. Both twins are mixed race but I wonder if people can get their heads around the fact that even the white sisters are also mixed race, they just don't look brown.

I can see how the question phrasing could sound rude/nosy / intrusive however I know there have been occasions when I have got into a decent conversation with someone and I find them interesting and we are chatting away and that kind of thing comes up. From my point of view as a white British person the question of someone's heritage is purely one of interest just in the same way as you might say where did you grow up or have you got children, what do you do job. Wise. It's not meant as some kind of challenge. I guess these sorts of questions could come across as being judgy but if so then I just don't know how we are supposed to get to know people we like these days or have an interesting conversation and learn something new unless you can be interested in someone. And that involves asking questions. It's a shame it has to be misconstrued.

Why are you ashamed of your heritage? I am prod of my Irish roots.