AIBU to be annoyed when people ask where I'm REALLY from?

[maggiethemagpie]

I'm of mixed heritage, my dad is iranian and my mum is english but my dad moved here as a student in the 1960s and kind of turned his back on his home country, so I've never really felt Iranian myself.

However I got all his genes as I look quite dark and nothing like my english mum.

People will sometimes ask 'where are you from' and I usually reply 'stockport' but no, that's not what they mean what they really mean is 'from what country do you get your appearance' so they will say 'no where are you really from'

And it annoys the feck out of me.

Why can't I just be from Stockport, as I just told them? I AM from stockport, I was born there, my mum was born there. OK my dad wasn't but they didn't ask where my dad was from, they asked where I was from.

And if I say no, really from Stockport then I come across as arsey. But I don't see why I should have to start explaining my genetic heritage to a stranger. Then I have to explain that, no, i'm not iranian even though my dad is and no I have never been there and no I don't speak the language.

AIBU to think it is rude for people to ask me this? And then insist on a different response to the one initially given?

So it's just about being interested in people, then, milliemolliemou? So how many white Anglo-Saxon people have you quizzed about their racial heritage? Do you ask the same questions to everyone you meet? If not, what makes you ask those question?

It's very rude for people to ask you in that manner. Give them a good hard stare and make them feel really awkward.

I have an obvious Birmingham accent, and a fairly common name albeit with an unusual spelling. I was on the phone at work when I lived elsewhere and the person kept asking me where I was from originally. She would not accept I was from Birmingham based on my name. It was very strange.

As an aside, every time we go abroad, DH is mistaken for being German,. People start talking in German to him. EVERY time.

(Loving the idea that this whole issue is down to non-white people not being 'gracious' enough though.)

All these people saying you wouldn't get asked it if you had white skin are wrong. Me and loads of others have said we are white and it happens to us too. I would much rather compare notes on mine and another's heritage than talk about house prices or what was on TV last night (unless it was Peaky Blinders or the Disappearance).
Maybe I am lucky in that if people ask me they doing generally interested, not looking to have a go.

Actually even if you are foreign, the answer to 'were are you from?' Can be a hard one.

I have actually lived in England the longest in my life. But I'm not English.
Before living in the UK, I live in different places, about half of that life was in my 'home' country, the rest on other places.
I find it extremely hard to say wher I am from. My answer is always 'I am from ' because it's the easiest but it actually means nothing for me.
Just like it means nothing to be half Iranian to the OP.

Where are from and where you feel you 'belong' is a different thing than your nationally or the nationality of your parents.
This is a really presentation of the intricacies of 'where are you from'

That's incredibly rude OP I feel for you! I get a different (way less serious) grilling from strangers as I live in the States but have never lost my strong British accent. Complete strangers will start up a conversation waiting in line in the supermarket (because Americans are exhaustingly friendly!) and as soon as they hear me speak the interrogation begins... Why am I here, What brought me here, how did I get here - as in what kind of visa do I have, am I citizen, how did I get my visa... It's incredible the invasive nosiness of a complete stranger just because they're curious. People don't seem to realise that a lot of the questions they're asking me are what I consider to be personal and private information. I still haven't come up with a smooth yet polite way to shut someone down in these situations.

I guess people are thoughtlessly rude sometimes OP.

A colleague and I often discuss our cultural background, both got parents from different countries ethnicities, and it's usually about family life and more often the similarities between the cultures than the differences.

Btw I'm not that nosey with strangers!

Must my mum is not British but numerous times, since she was about 18yo, she has been asked by British people if she was British.

English people on holidays coming to see her, clearly happy to see someone 'from their country' and starting to chat in English to her etc etc.
With the clear problem that her English is ... Err ... Minimal....

I do ask 'ooh, what's your accent?' if I can't place it. It hasn't been taken or meant rudely. I just like adding to my knowledge of what accent comes from where. Hardest one I ever came across was a Dutch guy who'd learned English in Australia. It often opens the way for travel based conversation.

I think all the "racist" criers should just chill out a bit. I am (culturally a proud) Iranian, but was brought up in the UK (no accent) and look pretty caucasian. However, my name is clearly not a British one and people have always asked where I am from or about my background. I have always seen it as them being interested and will happily have any kind of discussion about it. Just because the OP knows little about her Iranian heritage does not make this a rude or racist question to ask. Whats wrong with answering "I was born and brought up in Stockport but my father is Iranian."?
I believe that everyone who asks me about my background is showing genuine interest and have always had great conversations with many people about it - both friends and strangers. To those who are calling this racism - it doesn't make you tolerant or open-minded or forward thinking. Instead it blocks free dialogue and open communication between people with a genuine interest in each other. And it shows you have no idea what racism really is.

Maggiethemagpie - your taxi anecdote reminded me of the taxi driver who drove me once in Los Angeles, he asked where I was from as I have a accent, I told him I was British and he argued with me! He said "No you're not, you don't sound English, I know because I spent two weeks in London five years ago visiting my cousin." Well that told me I suppose! I don't know why I bothered but I spent the rest of the journey trying to explain that there's more than one type of English accent and I'm not from London... he didn't believe me lol.

Thought of this thread today! Taxi driver asked where I was from (he was Asian with an accent). I'm white British and assumed he was asking because of my accent (RP, not local). Said where I grew up, then he said "Oh, I meant you don't look English!"
I replied that a lot of people think I look German.

He said no, he thought I looked American. I can't remember if he then said something about South American, which would make more sense, or if I'm misremembering...
Bizarre.

I didn't mind but I guess that's because he was obviously just curious, what with being an immigrant himself (as I later found out but was obvious from accent anyway). People ask where I'm from a lot though, due to my accent, and I don't mind that. Just based on looks is a bit weird though, and "No, really?" is definitely not on.

I'm white British, with blonde hair, fair skin and blue eyes.
My parents are white British, as are my grand parents and great grand parents.

I think somewhere way back, there is a bit of Irish in there.
My DH is white British, as are his parents, grand parents etc. Our children are all fair skinned with blonde hair and blue eyes.

We live in a very diverse London borough. We speak with an east London accent.

I am asked at least once a week where I am from. It goes like this...

Taxi driver/shop keeper: Where are you from?

Me: Round the corner

Taxi driver/shop keeper: No, no. I mean. Where do you come from?

Me: Oh. The town next door. Moved here when I was a kid.

Taxi driver/shop keeper: No. I mean, where were you born?

Me: Oh. I was born in local hospital. I'm British. Why? Where are you from?

Taxi driver/shop keeper: Oh yeah, me too. I was born here/Pakistan/Bangladesh etc. Just wondered. You look Polish or something.

It is never white British people who ask me. I find it odd, but not rude.

My DH works in Tottenham. His labourer is from Ecuador, via Lanzarote. He has told my husband that his mum has asked him what the English are like. He has told her that he doesn't know because he can't find any in London! He has asked my DH where he should visit to see real English culture.

AbernathysFringe Can you appreciate that if you are the 756th person to ask what kind of accent I have I may be less than enthusiastic to share my background with you even if you are genuinely interested?

I absolutely hate this question!!it drives me mad. I'm black,born and bred in Chester and that's what I say. Where are you from?Chester. Yeah But where are you really from?Chester. But where originally?Chester,born and bred. Where are your parents from?London.
Why don't you just ask me why I'm black?that's clearly the question.🙉😝

ReggyBalboa - I think what you're describing is a little different though. First of all, it's your name that inspires the question, so that means you're at least interacting with someone to the extent that you're giving your name out. What if someone you don't know and have no reason to know, a stranger asks you where you're really from, and you know the only reason they're asking you is because of the color of your skin. I wouldn't enjoy that in the slightest. Also, just because someone is curious (nosey) doesn't mean they have the right to demand an explanation from you about your ethnic heritage. It's surprisingly awkward to deflect such questions no matter how friendly the tone is in which they are asked.

Comiconce - exactly!!!!!! And I'll repeat again that just because you're curious about someone's looks/accent it doesn't give you the right to expect that they explain themselves to you no matter how harmless or friendly you think your question is! Please appreciate that most people are polite and it's awkward and annoying to be asked a question that we'd rather not answer without trying to be rude.

I get this a lot. People actually have asked me "where have you moved from?" (I just name my previous town) and I've had someone commenting on my skin tone (olive skin) and saying "but wow your English is very good"

One of the GPs I used to work with was British but mixed heritage. She had a Northern accent and I was trying to place where she was from.

I presume she must have been asked similar questions to OP in the past, as when I asked whereabouts she was from she looked really quite put out and said "I'm British!". My response to her was "I know that, I'm just trying to figure out where in the north west you are from as I recognise the accent but can't quite place it".

Turns out it was Preston and she grew up not too far from my two aunties.

Plato How strange! I wonder what makes her seem British. It's a running joke with DH now, given he has no German heritage as far as we are aware, but he is very blond haired/blue eyed. On the other hand, when I'm approached abroad people don't know what language to go for, until I open my mouth. I sometimes get Italian or Spanish, although to be fair there is some Italian a few generations back - great-grandparent I think.

Reggi there is nothing wrong about saying I'm born in xx but my dad is Iranian'.
There is something wrong about it when actually as a person, you don't care about your Iranian heritage and this is not what makes 'you' who you are.
The OP is saying 'my dad is Iranian' then she is likely to be asked plenty of questions about it, none of which she is will neither be able to answer nor be interested in.

I'm another one voting in the 'just interested' camp. I'm Australian and I get asked where I'm from all the time, even though I'm also a British citizen. I'm white. It doesn't bother me one scrap. They're just making conversation, and usually they just want to tell me about their cousin who just got back from Sydney. That's fine. I ask people where they're from as well, and if they say they're from London and they're not white then I might say something like, 'What's your ethnicity?' I don't see any difference between that and the questions I get asked pretty much every time I get in a taxi. I always talk to the taxi drivers about where they're from, how they ended up here. I talk to people about where their parents are from. Oh, so you're Sri Lankan by heritage... have you ever been there? ... ah, so you have grandparents still there.... yes, my grandparents were in Australia although they're dead now... it's hard when the family is scattered etc etc etc

I don't understand why anyone would find this intrusive or offensive. It's just normal human curiosity and desire for connection. In the examples I gave above, it's about me and the other person finding areas of commonality a holiday, or being distant from family whatever.

Andrea "i find (in most cases) it's quite the opposite to racism, that people are actually just trying to talk about different cultures"

That's actually the reason why it's racist, they've decided I'm from a different culture because of the colour of my skin. I can't talk about any "other" culture, I don't know any. Unless you count some time spent in New York.

Reggybalboa I think it's the no really bit that is offensive. My DH doesn't mind being asked, everyone asks him by looks and by name. I don't think curiosity is racist and if someone asks, why not say. It is pretty cool to be different but when people do not accept that the person giving the information doesn't wish to share or insists the person is lying somehow, becomes intrusive and rude. Certainly not racist but then that depends on how they ask. My DH worked in Iran for a few months and a lot of people in Iran thought he was Iranian and didn't believe him when he said he's South American, they all assumed he was Iranian until he spoke. So the insistance was more of a really that's suprised me, rather than a really you're lying.
I was once told I wasn't from London because I don't sound like a Londoner. It got beyond annoying to be breathed all over by a drunk stranger who was accusing me of lying. I can imagine that having that all the time would do more than get on your nerves.