AIBU to be annoyed when people ask where I'm REALLY from?

[maggiethemagpie]

I'm of mixed heritage, my dad is iranian and my mum is english but my dad moved here as a student in the 1960s and kind of turned his back on his home country, so I've never really felt Iranian myself.

However I got all his genes as I look quite dark and nothing like my english mum.

People will sometimes ask 'where are you from' and I usually reply 'stockport' but no, that's not what they mean what they really mean is 'from what country do you get your appearance' so they will say 'no where are you really from'

And it annoys the feck out of me.

Why can't I just be from Stockport, as I just told them? I AM from stockport, I was born there, my mum was born there. OK my dad wasn't but they didn't ask where my dad was from, they asked where I was from.

And if I say no, really from Stockport then I come across as arsey. But I don't see why I should have to start explaining my genetic heritage to a stranger. Then I have to explain that, no, i'm not iranian even though my dad is and no I have never been there and no I don't speak the language.

AIBU to think it is rude for people to ask me this? And then insist on a different response to the one initially given?

My family are from an Asian country and I grew up in the UK, so I've been asked this many times as well. I have to say that I don't mind it really, I can understand the curiosity about someone's ethnicity/heritage as I'm quite curious about it as well. I live in London where it's not unusual to be non-Caucasian, and probably most people I meet are from other countries, so it's often just a way to make conversation and learn a bit more about people.

I've been approached by men asking about my background and I think for some of them it's because they're attracted to women with that ethnicity/are interested in the culture of my home country. It doesn't bother me and I find it easy to move on.

It's a very rude question in most contexts. My son is the only white boy in the class of his school in London and most (not all) of those other boys (all non-white other than him) are British and born in this country

I don't think everyone always means that question in a nasty way. If I meet someone for work I will often ask if they've travelled far today as kind of neutral question to get chatting although I don't think I'd then start asking which country they are from (although plenty have travelled in for the day from abroad).

Obviously if you are chatting to a friend that's different and it's no secret in the 1800s some relatives of mine moved from Ireland to the UK to avoid famine (not found anyone yet from further afield in our family tree in the last 200 years).

Alisvolatpropiis most Brazilians are mixed completely. I should have worded that better, I mean people automatically assuming a Brazilian person is black or mixed black and white.

this video might make people think twice

Its incredibly rude and I would say founded in racism

How silly!!!

Ah I see dizzy, that's what I was thinking glad I didn't actually have that wrong after all. I was feeling a bit alarmed about the hole in my general knowledge just then!

Starutopia, I am not particularly proud of my heritage, no.

I'm not ashamed of it either, it just doesn't mean much to me.

Why should I be proud of something when my only link to it is that someone genetically linked to me lived there a long long time ago.

I do feel awkward when people assume I must know a lot about iran/iranian culture etc as I don't... then it becomes rather cumbersome this genetic legacy.

It's not my responsibility to fulfil your curiosity.

I agree with this.

I was thinking about this discussion whilst getting ready for bed last night, and remembering ds4 who has an AS condition getting himself into 'situations' when he was younger. A couple of times he has very bluntly asked strangers where they are from. 2 occasions i can think of, where it was toe- curling embarrassing for me, and as i was with him I told him immediately what he'd said was wrong. With him I know it was nosiness, not racism - and luckily both men were fine and reassuring about it.

One time was on a train in Germany where he turned to his neighbour and said very politely, 'Excuse me, you weren't born here, were you?'. Ironical as ds wasn't born in Germany either!! I made a maternal intervention and apologised, the man was great. Very calmly he said' No, you are right, i was born in India, but I've lived here about 20 years'. They chatted for the next 2 hours on Indian history and literature and other things. At one point ds, who is proud and out, said 'I have asperger's syndrome, you know'; man just smiled and said 'Oh, have you?' I suspect he'd already guessed. And he had told us he was an educational professional.

Another 'victim' of DS's bluntness was an NHS doctor. He was fine too. A few weeks ago, we had another appointment with a different brown-skinned doctor. A man whoin fact had a local accent so was not 'forrin'. When I saw him, my toes were curling but DS said absolutely nothing potentially offensive.

It goes to show ds has made progress over the last few years and that people on the AS spectrum can learn if they are given the chance and guidance.(As a family we've had lots of talks about how people have a right to privacy, and not to be asked possibly offensive questions, how wId you feel, etcetera). I wanted to tell these stories, not to brag about my excellent maternal skills (ha ha!) but to explain that some adults on the autistic spectrum will be blunt like that without being racist. Some will have had different (& negative) influences on their upbringings too.

That does not account for all the incidents people have been on the receiving end of, but autism might explain some of it. I hope I've explained what I mean okay.

There's loads of things I'm nosy about but it doesn't give me the right to hassle a total stranger just to satisfy my curiosity.

^This.
I don't get the curiosity defence, as though it's fine to ask about anyone different looking because they're only interested. However well and friendly it's intended, its a downright nosy question to ask a stranger. Just because you are madly excited about genealogy and different cultures doesn't mean everyone who looks a bit foreign is interested in it and willing to explain their families history every time they meet someone. It must get quite boring for them.

TopazRocks, I've been thinking about this thread loads today as well. I think if you can get your ds to understand how/why his questions might be inappropriate, there really is no excuse for some of the people on this thread to be using the 'I'm just being interested' line. I think that what the line of questioning signifies is 'I think you are different to me. I think you are different to me because of your ethnic heritage/background. I am therefore explicitly going to start up a conversation based on that, and thus emphasise the fact that I think that you are different. Oh, and I'm going to expect you to explain yourself to me as well.' And that is a racist act, because it is treating someone differently because of their race. You wouldn't ask a person who you perceive to be white Anglo-Saxon about their racial heritage. But you would ask someone who is not about it. So you are treating them differently because of either their racial heritage or because of your perception of said racial heritage. So you are altering your stance/action/social intercourse with them based on race. So you are being racist.

I am mixed heritage too, you're not unreasonable to find it annoying ( I personally would talk about it all day long) it's repetitive and nosey, but that said I think people taking am interest in you should be flattering really...??? And I don't think they mean any harm, bit like weather/ marriage/ baby/ job talk, just humans passing the time with inane conversation, as we do! 😊

It's not just nosiness about heritage though, is it? If it was, then people would always be asking everyone where there parents came from and about their family tree. But that doesn't happen unless you either a) look different or b) sound different (it's possible to pick up subtleties of accents from your parents, as I did as a child - they're from up north but I was born and brought up down south).

So really, it's like saying 'You're different! Why are you different?!', whether that was the intention or not. When the response is then seemingly unsatisfactory, that message only gets conveyed even more strongly and begs the question 'why does it matter?'.

People are different, in many, many ways. Most of which we don't concern ourselves with, we just accept them as differences. So I don't see why heritage should be any different in that respect. So yes, I do think it's very, very rude and unnecessary question.

YANBU, you're only getting asked that because of the country's lour of your skin. I'm sure there's a word for that.

You're average white British appearing/sounding person. I live in (say) Newcastle, but would be considered very strange looks if I started saying I was Welsh,when asked where I'm from, just because my mum was born there. Despite having not being born there, visited there, stepped foot there.

As it is, I look & sound White British (but wasn't born here) and I rarely get asked where I'm from, much less where I'm REALLY from.

*colour of
*YOUR

FFS

I get asked this question and don't find it offensive, I see it as people being interested. I find (in most cases) it's quite the opposite to racism, that people are actually just trying to talk about different cultures. I do agree that the wording of the question is offensive though, especially since the majority of people in the UK are not solely 'from' here. There's a little bit of a mixture in all of us.

YANBU but don't always take it so negatively. It can very much be a compliment as you may have a beautiful face, hair, colouring due to your genetic make up. I understand what you are saying but don't be overly defensive.

It is racist - I am white skinned and don't get asked where I am really from, although my mum was from another country.

I think - if I had time - I'd say 'Stockport born and bred, have you ever been to Stockport? It's a lovely place and bla bla bla' and continue monologging about Stockport's architecture, famous citizens, shops, schools, history, ring road, etc until the nosy bastards fell into a coma.

FWIW I have been asked innapropriate things by rude people, and also by people with autism, and there is a big difference in my experience. Maybe I am more 'tuned in' as a lot of friends and colleagues have autism but I don't find genuine curiosity rude.

I am a lecturer and often find myself asking this question when I meet new students
but it's not out of noseyness I am genuinely interested in other people's experiences and cultures. Probably prompted more by accent than skin colour.....Maybe I will stop now.

"Where are you really from" is fucking rude if you've just said Stockport.

When I was younger (90's south London) it was a thing to say "what have you got in you?", which assumes the person is British but of mixed heritage. I never did like the phrasing of that though, it made me thing of animal breeding IYSWIM, so I didn't use it.

To be fair, I generally ask where people are from if their accent identifies them as 'not london', so I'd be asking you because of the northern accent.

I understand the 'people are only taking an interest' argument, but I do think the "really from" bit is really rude.

I took my DS1 to his swimming lesson once and a Grandmother of another child asked me what he identifies himself as. He is mixed heritage (Granddad is Jamaican) but he is also 3 and has no real comprehension of his skin colour.

After a few seconds of shocked face, I replied "mostly Batman but occasionally Captain America or Iron Man".

I get asked this as although I'm white and boringly English I have an Asian surname - DH's father is from South East Asia.
People are 95% just curious about the odd name and making small talk.
5% or less are arse holes trying to figure out if they should be being rude to me.

Don't think people are being intentionally rude, very ignorant though. YANBU, I would stick with Stockport, after all, that is where you are from. If you had white skin etc people would not be asking you if you descend from Irish heritage for instance. As I say I don't think people are being deliberately rude, but neither are you by saying Stockport. You are right, your family and where they descend from is nothing to do with other people and you shouldn't feel that you have to share it with people you either don't know, or don't want to share it with

I'm mixed heritage - I love when people ask me

maggie and trout
I did say I would never ask where are you REALLY from. Nor would I ever ask anyone about their heritage unless I was sharing a drink/cup of tea and we were discussing things. Unless I caught an accent I knew (from Accra or vienna, fairly unmistakeable) in which case I might. Or someone I'm talking to on business or employing - in which case again I'd be interested.
Your problem seems to be distinguishing the thick-skinned and possibly racist numpties from those who are genuinely interested in people. Very hard to do, and especially when you are continually bombarded by the queries. You clearly have a gracious response which is all it takes.