Two sets of in-laws and newborn

[user1466488499]

Hello, please be gentle with me, first timer here! We're expecting our first child next month, I'm excited, nervous, looking forward to it and also scared.

DHs parents are divorced, both re-married, with no other children so hubby is an only child and our child will be the first grandchild. This is where the issue starts with both sets of in-laws. They're mid-70s, have to be the centre of attention, don't help around the house and expect to be waited upon and taken out for meals. Luckily they live about 300 miles away so don't see them too often.

I made it clear to DH ages ago that I wanted our first 2 weeks out of hospital when he's on paternity leave to be just the three of us to help us bond as a family unit and get to know our child. I want to make sure I'm breastfeeding correctly and know I may well be sore and tired after giving birth.

Now FIL and wife have announced they're not happy about waiting to see their grandchild - problem is that because they live so far away, they'll want to stay for at least a couple of nights and they won't help out whatsoever. DH will spend his time running around after them rather than bonding with his child. As they have no experience with babies, I'll have to keep a close eye on them as well as trying to recover from the birth. I don't want my baby handed around like a plaything to entertain them. I have explained to them how newborns are very sensitive and could they wait a while before visiting but they've spent the weekend moaning to my husband who is now taking their side and says I am being unreasonable. The tiger mum inside me wants to protect and care for my little one and keep him close, not handed around to lazy in laws who won't do anything to help out. The only person I would appreciate around in the early days is my mum who will cook, clean, go to tesco etc. and be invaluable. DH says that if his parents aren't allowed to visit straightaway then neither should my parents - not getting the point that his lot are lazy and expect to be waited upon and stay for days whereas my folks will stay for an afternoon or one day and be brilliant.

Help, maybe I am being very selfish but I don't want my new baby handed around like a bag of sweets to lazy in laws who know nothing about babies and who won't help us....aargh! This is a recipe for disaster when i consider how raging hormones will be and sleep deprived after the birth....

I breastfed 5 babies, each for a year and trust me your breasts aren't exposed. No-one sees anything. Anyone who matters wouldn't care if they did. Anyone who cares - doesn't matter.If you're waving your norks around - you're doing it wrong. I've sat on buses and breastfed and no-one was any the wiser

Ive also breast fed 5 for periods up to 2 years and 9 months old and I don't agree that people are doing it wrong if others see their breasts. It can be difficult handling a baby and getting yourself synchronised so to speak. It takes a bit of practice and I think its quite a while before you can manage breastfeeding to the extent no one knows your doing it. And to be honest I think posts like yours are not what mums who are trying to get to grips with breast feeding need to read. One of my lot is currently breastfeeding her 3 week old wee girl, she's still having to take her time getting the wee one latched on and the best way for he to do it is to let it all hang out so to speak. She's not doing anything wrong and baby is gaining weight really well.

I can also see why he wants it to happen while he's on pat leave - let's be honest, you're not going to facilitate them seeing the baby while he's at work, are you? I think this is a good point. if they live 300 miles away they are not going to be popping over willy-nilly are they.? If you are dreading it, get them over when your DH is around and off work. Book them into an hotel if that's feasible. You can easily retreat to your room to breastfeed or snooze with the baby if you want to keep out their way. Let them have a coo and cuddle - job done. Then your mum can come and hang out as much as she likes without anyone's nose being put out of joint. I wouldn't make any arrangements until the baby is born though - see how it goes and take it from there. I was like you - anticipating I would be floored by the birth having read and heard so many horror stories. In reality it couldn't have been easier and I was on such a massive high I positively wanted to show off my DD to everyone.

Look, people on mumsnet love to rip holes in mums who are about to have a new baby for some strange reason. I don't think many people really would want their in-laws to stay with them or even in a hotel near them down the road and be there every fucking minute in the first three weeks.

Just say no, they can come stay in a hotel nearby when a month has passed. It really isn't that big of a deal. The baby will still be tiny. You are the patient here, you may be overdue. You really can't plan at all right now. Just bloody well tell your husband no and that's the end of it. If your mum is a help then that's great. Honestly why people insist on treating both sides of family the same I have no idea! If my son's wife had a baby, I wouldn't expect to have the same access early on as my dd (if we had a close relationship). One is your child, one isn't. It's not about the baby, it's about YOU and YOUR recovery. Please put yourself first because you are likely to feel like shit for a few weeks! And I can guarantee if you DH can't grasp the subtleties of this now, he is likely the type to not be that empathetic when you are sore, tired and weepy.

So you take the baby and retire to bed to feed. Leaving dp to deal with any visitors.

Bertrand why should a post partum mother who doesn't want visitors have to be under seige in her bedroom while visitors have the run of her house?

Women can have babies and men can't - I'd lay bets that if a man did have a 9 lb human surgically removed from his abdomen or pushed one out of his genitals he'd expect to be the one calling the shots in his own home til he felt 100% back to normal, not giving lazy guests run of the house making dealing with heavy bleeding and sore breasts and establishing feeding while sharing a bathroom and unable to lie on the sofa in his pants watching TV if he wanted

"Just say no, they can come stay in a hotel nearby when a month has passed."

A month! Fuck me!

" mother who doesn't want visitors have to be under seige in her bedroom while visitors have the run of her house?"

Wow- talk about spin!!

This is such a tricky area. I wouldn't have wanted anyone staying after the birth of my DDS (especially not my mum who can wind me up like no-one else) but I would have been very hurt if no-one had wanted to visit and meet the new grandchild/niece.

If you can tactfully arrange for them to stay elsewhere and just have day visits that sounds great but whatever happens just take it easy on yourself and them. Keep the baby in your room and stay in bed late with him. Go up for a rest (with him) if people are getting too much for you. Say to your Ils ' I am so tired, would you mind washing up/putting the laundry on/popping down to Tesco '. Perhaps text them and say how grateful you are that they are coming to help out. if they don't do it they will be the ones downstairs surrounded by pots while you cuddle the baby in bed.

There are very few times in life when it is acceptable to stay in bed in your nightie for days on end while house guests do all the work. Milk this one and perhaps it might set a precedent for future visits.

I don't think many people really would want their in-laws to stay with them or even in a hotel near them down the road and be there every fucking minute in the first three weeks

It works really well the world over and quite often for periods way longer than 3 weeks.

I still fail to understand why, if PIL/Parents are obviously parents themselves, why that can't get it into their heads that you don't want visitors, let alone house guests when you've just had a baby! Surely they can remember how knackering and daunting it is first time round?!

For some people. That was just your reaction to having a baby. Plenty of other women want visitors because they want to introduce their new baby to the rest of its family, not hide away.

I don't get why there's an automatic assumption that having a baby makes someone a wilting violet for a month, and that they need 'protecting' from the world, or that a baby will only 'bond' if it is in a sort of sterile petri dish, excluding everyone but the parents

God, yes. Again not everyone wants to hide in their house for a month. I was at a totally age inappropriate baby rhyme time at our local library with a 3 week old because the thought of staying in the house all the time was horribly claustrophobic and depressing.

YANBU. It is up to you and your DH to decide who and when the visits take place. You don't know how you will feel yet or how long you will be in hospital. My DD had pre eclampsia and an Emergency CS so ended up in hospital for 10 days in the end. You may want visits in hospital or you may not. Try not to worry about this until your baby arrives but set some ground rules with your DH about when he lets people know if you are up to visits. Whether or not you feel more comfortable with just your mum there your DH is also going to be a new father and quite rightly wants his DPs there to support him and meet his new DC so I don't think it is fair to say your mum can see you straight away but your PIL have to wait 2 weeks.

Yes Bertrand, a month. DP's parents are older and we live about four hours away by car. They weren't up for travelling and neither was I until about two months after. The moment they met their grandchild was still magical, they didn't think I was being unreasonable to want to recover and get breastfeeding established before travelling. Not everyone wants people at the hospital door. Your first baby is a massive adjustment and it is an adjustment best made in your own way, not with unhelpful inlaws sat on your sofa. Fine, maybe that wasn't what you did, but clearly the OP feels like they will be a hindrance. Maybe she will change her mind once baby is here, maybe not. But I wouldn't commit to anything until you see how it's going!

OP there is no need to decide now, just say 'let's see once baby is here'.

Point out to DH the most important person post-birth will be you.

Yes you come out of it all swimmingly - but you may be recovering from surgery, interventions, problems with breastfeeding...

The point is not people meeting the baby. The baby doesn't know who anyone else other than mum is anyway. The baby is unlikely to give your DH much of a look in in the first weeks tbh. The point is YOU will have just given birth and need looking after. I had placenta issues and bled for 3m post birth. Baby had tongue tie feeding was horrendous. Thankfully my in laws are lovely and visited on the condition that if I said 'I'm tired' they left immediately. They visited a fair bit but if they'd been selfish twats no way would they have been in my house for longer than an hour or so.

My parents on the other hand are tactless selfish twats so only allowed to visit twice in the first six months for a couple of hours.

I found that DH's paternity leave was the best time to have visitors. He was able to keep the housework ticking over and I disappeared off with the baby for feeding etc. I let him take the lead when organising who was visiting when on 'his side', and it worked really well. We had a steady stream of visitors over the fortnight (no one til day 2 after we left hospital), and I actually remember thinking that it was a shame that most of them couldn't stay longer (all live a few hours drive away, and all drove up, stayed a few hours and drove home). My mum lives abroad so she stayed for a few days, but I wouldn't have been terribly bothered if DMIL had stayed over too (though not at the same time!)

I had gotten the house ready for overnight guests during the weeks before the arrival (fresh bedding in spare room, and a different duvet made up so the spare bed could be changed quickly with fresh sheets), and DH took care of that.

Now I am expecting DC2 I am so glad DMIL is willing to take annual leave to stay for a few days and look after DC1 and our dogs while I am in hospital, as my sister is due to have her 1st close to my due date and will need our DM more.

Like other posters I also didn't find it difficult to hand DC1 over for a cuddle: I found that when baby cries/fills nappy the cuddler was swift to hand back. DC1 now loves looking at the early pictures we have with all the family and saying who is who. Funnily enough, I now realise that not everyone was desperate for a cuddle (FIL and BIL I am looking at you) so it may not be as bad as you think OP.

I agree that there is no need give them decision now. Just say that you don't know how you'll be feeling after the birth and you may not be up to house guests. You'll see how you feel when the time comes.

It would appear that the tradition of lying in embraced by some cultures, is not a protection against the beliefs of in-laws.

"I stayed in bed for a month after childbirth," said Mrs Zhang, 32, from Henan Province. "During that time, my mother-in-law advised me about what I should do. She would not let me take a shower, brush my teeth or wash my hair, and there were lots of things I could not eat or drink. Cold drinks and uncooked foods were forbidden, especially cold water and fruit. My mother-in-law encouraged me to eat a lot of fish soup and pig-trotter soup. She said it would help me to produce milk for breast-feeding. She said my eyes were very weak, and, as a result, I must not watch TV or read books. Also, I usually wear slippers around the house. During that month, I could only wear slipper boots, which did not hit the soles of my feet when I walked, as she said that would hurt my feet.”

kaleidoscope.cultural-china.com/en/118K8185K12946.html

They visited a fair bit but if they'd been selfish twats no way would they have been in my house for longer than an hour or so

This is the point isn't it? Yes it is common the world over to have help from parents/in laws. But the key there is the word 'help'. If OP knows damn well they won't be a help, then chances are they will be a hindrance. It's not a problem that they are the type to sit and get waited on, but it is a problem when it is at a time when you can't do the waiting. I wouldn't want the power struggle with DH about who was going to make beds/wash up at this time either. I wouldn't have had the head space. I also would have hated to be confined to the bedroom or have to try and find polite ways to tell them to bugger off. Surely it is better to just arrange the visit for when you feel ready for them? No idea why people are so obsessed with planning ahead visits for a date that nobody knows and to an event that may be straightforward or difficult.

It is perfectly reasonable though to say that you don't want house guests immediately. It is not perfectly reasonable to say no visitors.

Bertrand I don't agree. Birth is such a crazy, individual unusual thing I think it's impossible for the mum to be 'unreasonable' about visitors in the first couple of months after. No one wins if we're blasé about the enormity of birth.

Now we're up to "a couple of months" Any advance on a couple of months?

Does giving birth automatically entitle you to behave like a selfish idiot?

I get that if you've had a medically difficult birth you need time to heal. And that it's not an ideal time to have extended long stays from people to wind you up.

For some women it can also trigger significant problems, post natal depression, post-partum psychosis.

I'm an introvert by nature. I was an older mother who tore quite badly when giving birth and also picked up an infection which meant I had to take antibiotics which meant my very young daughter did some spectacular projectile pooing.

But I didn't regard myself as a queen or someone who'd become fragile as porcelain. I appreciated having a bit of quiet and better sleep after hospital. But I was keen to get on with the real everyday business of being a mother. Sharing my child with the world and starting to get out and about again. (Getting to use the sling and the pram etc etc.)

"I have explained to them how newborns are very sensitive"

They're not actually.

But the women who have given birth often are and it is perfectly permissible to say so. Don't get into the habit of hiding behind your child when making perfectly reasonable requests about your own wellbeing.

It can become an ingrained habit with self-effacing women: all it results in is getting the child disliked if you then can't break yourself of the habit.

I booked my IL's and my father into a B&B for my first baby. They were fine with it. (But I did allow plenty of cuddles.) When my second one was born I was so knackered that I insisted on having both my parents there to do nappy changes in the small hours. Not something I could have foreseen beforehand. But it was lovely: all I had to do was present a boob at 4 o'clock in the morning, and then lie back and watch how my 67yo father got on with the real slog.

My ex-SIL was queen of how-lovely-you-looked-in-for-a-coffee-now-you-are-just-in-time-for-a-nappy-change. I don't think we resented it, and it did help everybody to bond with her dc.

I'm definitely in your camp Bert.

I still remember when DD was born. I was up having a bath and getting dressed before we went over to the ward and I was the only person in my bay that got up, showered and dressed every day - the others just stayed in bed all day

Just wait until you give birth to your second and you have a school run and LIFE that's still going on! None of this being pandered to in your pj's then

Surely the only thing this thread really proves is that everyone is different . You can't know how you'll get on until you're actually there, doing it. Have a plan, make sure everyone knows that it could be subject to change, see how it goes.
Fwiw I had an easy birth at home with my first. My mum and stepdad came round to see us all a few hours after she was born. MIL and BIL came to stay for the weekend when she was a couple of days old, we went into town for a coffee and a wander. I was fine and more than happy to show her off! Oh and I bf too, although I am fairly shameless and was happy to flop my boobs out in front of anyone who happened to be around. You don't know how you'll react/what you'll need. You may well be absolutely fine.