Two sets of in-laws and newborn

[user1466488499]

Hello, please be gentle with me, first timer here! We're expecting our first child next month, I'm excited, nervous, looking forward to it and also scared.

DHs parents are divorced, both re-married, with no other children so hubby is an only child and our child will be the first grandchild. This is where the issue starts with both sets of in-laws. They're mid-70s, have to be the centre of attention, don't help around the house and expect to be waited upon and taken out for meals. Luckily they live about 300 miles away so don't see them too often.

I made it clear to DH ages ago that I wanted our first 2 weeks out of hospital when he's on paternity leave to be just the three of us to help us bond as a family unit and get to know our child. I want to make sure I'm breastfeeding correctly and know I may well be sore and tired after giving birth.

Now FIL and wife have announced they're not happy about waiting to see their grandchild - problem is that because they live so far away, they'll want to stay for at least a couple of nights and they won't help out whatsoever. DH will spend his time running around after them rather than bonding with his child. As they have no experience with babies, I'll have to keep a close eye on them as well as trying to recover from the birth. I don't want my baby handed around like a plaything to entertain them. I have explained to them how newborns are very sensitive and could they wait a while before visiting but they've spent the weekend moaning to my husband who is now taking their side and says I am being unreasonable. The tiger mum inside me wants to protect and care for my little one and keep him close, not handed around to lazy in laws who won't do anything to help out. The only person I would appreciate around in the early days is my mum who will cook, clean, go to tesco etc. and be invaluable. DH says that if his parents aren't allowed to visit straightaway then neither should my parents - not getting the point that his lot are lazy and expect to be waited upon and stay for days whereas my folks will stay for an afternoon or one day and be brilliant.

Help, maybe I am being very selfish but I don't want my new baby handed around like a bag of sweets to lazy in laws who know nothing about babies and who won't help us....aargh! This is a recipe for disaster when i consider how raging hormones will be and sleep deprived after the birth....

My mother in law came for a 7 hour visit with my newborn (3rd child). She sat cuddling the baby while I made her dinner and 'took the opportunity to tidy and clean' etc. I had given birth the day before. I will never forgive her. JUST SAY NO!!!!!

So OP, in case you hadn't noticed. Mumsnet has rather a lot of trolls, who take great please in writing rude & unnecessary comments to get a reaction.

Makes me feel a bit sad.

Guess I'll go back to reading everyone's opinion on the EU referendum on Facebook then. Would be less annoying.

Bye mumsnet

Partners shouldn't under-estimate the amount of support they may need to give a new mother.

Post-birth, I couldn't get myself a drink of water, wash myself or even pick a sanitary towel up from the floor. It was the hardest experience of our lives. I was on a painkiller regime that made me too drowsy to begin to know when to take them all so he was in charge of that too. And the baby, obviously.

When my FIL rang him up and gave him hell for not taking baby DD to meet his parents for afternoon tea in a hotel 50 miles away, we knew they really and truly didn't give a damn about what we were going through. If they don't care enough to be supportive then they don't deserve to be family.

YANBU to not want house guests immediately post birth but YABVU regarding having to supervise them and newborns being sensitive etc. I also think you can't ban one set and allow another. If they come stay in the bedroom and let your DH wait on them.

Of course you can allow one set and ban another. No-one refuses to discriminate between Uncle Kevin the Bellend and Sensible Cousin Stephen when babies aren't involved.

Actions have consequences which is why Supportive Relative A was allowed free run of the joint within hours of the birth and Self-Obsessed Natural Birth Evangelist Relative B wasn't.

Yep, that's right- my in-laws got the first look in. They earned it.

Wow, some of you are just vicious. The idea that new mums are "precious" because they want a bit of time alone with their husbands/partners and new baby, is just horrendous.
DH and I were on the exact same page when it came to visitors, in that, we were happy for visitors to come after a few days- grandparents were aware of this.

Then I gave birth, and that changed big time. I did not have a great time with Dd and was emotionally and physically wrecked, breastfeeding was hell, I spent every night for 5 nights solid crying, bleeding and leaking. I had stitches and other horrible things that meant for 2 weeks I had to sit on an inflatable ring. Did I want people around- anyone around- during this time? No I absolutely did not. Grandparents were contacted, and were politely asked to please not visit until things had calmed down and DH and I were feeling more human. There were totally fine, very understanding- but they were disappointed. At that point it was, I'm afraid, tough. We had enough to be dealing with and they all descended on us 2 weeks later, when we were more with it and could also enjoy the experience of seeing our families meet our baby for the first time- it was a really special day, and worth waiting for- for all of us- and I honestly believe that.
Ds's birth could not have been more different, and I was completely able to to handle visitors very quickly afterwards.
My point is that it is very, very difficult to plan how you feel after a baby is born, it is a personal thing and it is down the new parents to make the decision about when they would like visitors, nothing whatsoever about being precious, or entitled or selfish. Selfish would be to chuck yourself at a new family, regardless of how they might be feeling because you can't wait.

Try to be fair, but keep some boundaries. My MiL just arrived and criticised everything I did. It was NOT helpful! But people do change when a baby arrives and they are in their later years. Let them have the joy of a new life around them for a little while. Get tougher in general - if you are tired, take the baby upstairs like the others said. Don't worry about offending them - be clear and say "Sorry I/we can't host you, we have to be there for your grandchild." But lovely to see you for a visit. Also you don't know what kind of birth experience you will have, so you might still be in hospital or need them for some errand-running, or to be there for the father - he may feel overwhelmed at the start too and need support.

Recovering mama gets everything she needs. However, you could make it a condition that he does all taking care of his parents needs including cooking, entertaining and bed making. You only let them hold your baby when you feel comfortable. Let the baby sleep on you ( in your arms or on your shoulder). Then retire upstairs with baby at 7pm and leave them to it.

"Sorry I/we can't host you, we have to be there for your grandchild."

Do people really say thinks like this in real life?

Things even

Whats interesting also is when the new father realises how much (sadly often the wife) does when there are house guests - particularly ones that don't pull their weight.

If any new fathers are putting on the pressure for their parents to come and stay it should be made crystal clear that it will be them and NOT the new mother that will have to ensure the house is essentially presentable, sort bedding, ensure enough food in, make conversation with the guests, explain or sort breakfast arrangments and so on and on and on as those of us that do the grunt work associated with running a house and hosting visitors know.

He will be totally on his own with this as you will be with the new baby. Might give pause for thought.

If any new fathers are putting on the pressure for their parents to come and stay it should be made crystal clear that it will be them and NOT the new mother that will have to ensure the house is essentially presentable, sort bedding, ensure enough food in, make conversation with the guests, explain or sort breakfast arrangments and so on and on and on as those of us that do the grunt work associated with running a house and hosting visitors know.

Bit late now, but surely it's best not to conceive a child with a man who expects you to do all the work when you have guests? I'd expect my husband to do the lion's share of the work if he invited people over, whether or not I'd given birth.

Yes me too. But ahem anecdotally I see it is more often than not the woman that sorts out guests whatever the rights and wrongs of it. One hopes any man whining that he wants his parents to stay is fully on board with sorting out all practical arrangements entirely on his own.

I have paying guests so get paid for doing this work. And it is quite hard work. Not to be undertaken after a major operation whilst caring for a newborn.