Two sets of in-laws and newborn

[user1466488499]

Hello, please be gentle with me, first timer here! We're expecting our first child next month, I'm excited, nervous, looking forward to it and also scared.

DHs parents are divorced, both re-married, with no other children so hubby is an only child and our child will be the first grandchild. This is where the issue starts with both sets of in-laws. They're mid-70s, have to be the centre of attention, don't help around the house and expect to be waited upon and taken out for meals. Luckily they live about 300 miles away so don't see them too often.

I made it clear to DH ages ago that I wanted our first 2 weeks out of hospital when he's on paternity leave to be just the three of us to help us bond as a family unit and get to know our child. I want to make sure I'm breastfeeding correctly and know I may well be sore and tired after giving birth.

Now FIL and wife have announced they're not happy about waiting to see their grandchild - problem is that because they live so far away, they'll want to stay for at least a couple of nights and they won't help out whatsoever. DH will spend his time running around after them rather than bonding with his child. As they have no experience with babies, I'll have to keep a close eye on them as well as trying to recover from the birth. I don't want my baby handed around like a plaything to entertain them. I have explained to them how newborns are very sensitive and could they wait a while before visiting but they've spent the weekend moaning to my husband who is now taking their side and says I am being unreasonable. The tiger mum inside me wants to protect and care for my little one and keep him close, not handed around to lazy in laws who won't do anything to help out. The only person I would appreciate around in the early days is my mum who will cook, clean, go to tesco etc. and be invaluable. DH says that if his parents aren't allowed to visit straightaway then neither should my parents - not getting the point that his lot are lazy and expect to be waited upon and stay for days whereas my folks will stay for an afternoon or one day and be brilliant.

Help, maybe I am being very selfish but I don't want my new baby handed around like a bag of sweets to lazy in laws who know nothing about babies and who won't help us....aargh! This is a recipe for disaster when i consider how raging hormones will be and sleep deprived after the birth....

no visitors

I live in an Asian community and I very much doubt there were no visitors. I think somewhere along the line there's been a miscommunication as to exactly what the 6 weeks recuperation meant in real terms.

Well, for my friend it meant just her, her partner, her mother and the cleaning lady. She didn't seem to think that was unusual.

Where does your mum live OP? What worked for us was that my parents invited the in-laws to stay and they visited us for a couple of hours on subsequent days. That meant we didn't have to directly tell them to stay in a hotel / that they couldnt stay with us.

the men couldn't/wouldn't help

why on earth not??

I was talking about the men of my father's generation in my family (and OP's by the sounds of it). They didn't have much to do with looking after their own children when they were babies and can't cook, never clean etc etc so would be no help at all. I don't think that was unusual 40 or 50 years ago.

Can the baby not be part of this wonderful family after a couple of weeks instead? You know, just like when my FIL got home from heart surgery, and he retired to his bedroom, and just had cups of tea and newspapers brought to him, no-one to stay any longer than it took to exchange a 'how are you doing' and hand him the TV remote?

If you feel up to more, then sure, but by no means should you be expected to put yourself out just because there's now a baby (who will be demanding a fair whack of whatever energy you have left from expelling him/her already)

I think it is totally reasonable to not want houseguests. I am unsociable at the best of times and hate having people stay, so would absolutely loathe it if I'd just had a baby. Particularly if said guests were going to create work for me.
I also understand a woman wanting her own mum there rather than ILs - when I had my babies my mum was there to help me bath and to just generally look after me. My mil couldn't do that for me, as much as she might have been willing to, because I needed my mum. It is different and not about getting first dibs on the baby but about making the mum feel safe and supported and reduce her chances of developing pnd.

That said, if they stay in a hotel, you would be unreasonable to not allow a few short visits. Better that they are excited and want to see your baby than being the kind of gps who just don't give a shit.

Be clear to your h about how you wont be cooking and waiting on people, that if he wants visitors it is his responsibility to make them cups of tea etc. And yes, you can escape to your room to feed.

Just to add,get a lock on your bedroom door cos my mil followed me upstairs when I tried to escape

It's the assumption of "when you're vulnerable" that I'd challenge. Why would anyone be vulnerable just because they've had a baby? Having a baby is normal and life goes on. I would have no compunction about asking them to stay elsewhere. But I would not treat one lot of in laws as more 'important' or 'useful' than another.

I don't get why there's an automatic assumption that having a baby makes someone a wilting violet for a month, and that they need 'protecting' from the world, or that a baby will only 'bond' if it is in a sort of sterile petri dish, excluding everyone but the parents.

I have Jewish family members who stay in the house for a number of days after a baby is born, so get that it is different if there is some cultural requirement, to distance yourself from the world, of course.

But essentially, OP is saying in laws (who presumably have at least one child/step-child?) know nothing about having kids, then makes some rather naive assumptions, herself, revealing she knows even less.

I would not like houseguests either (in fact had the identical situation with my 2nd child as my much disliked stepmother was an unfortunate side effect of my lovely dad, and couldn't invite him without her. They wanted to babysit eldest when I went into hospital to have No 2 and in the end - we let them). It was tough on me having my much loathed stepmother in my house straight after having the baby (I came home the same day) but... in retrospect, my dad has been dead a few years now and I am pleased when I look back, I gave him that special time with his grandsons, and he had that to treasure forever. Trust me, if you think useless in laws are extraneous - an unpleasant step relative is 1000 times worse. ;o) I sucked it up - because I loved my dad. If it had been the in laws, I'd have sucked it up for my husband. The baby is his, too.

No, I haven't done this before, been a parent, but then years ago when parents in law had my DH, mum's stayed in the hospital for 10 days to get used to the baby and shown how to nurse etc. Now we're kicked out asap and left to fend for ourselves.

Quite rightly, hospitals are for sick people. If you've had an uncomplicated natural birth, there's absolutely no reason for you to take up an expensive resource so you can sleep. I had a complicated pregnancy but a ridiculously uneventful birth and If it hadn't been for the nectar of the gods (an epidural) I would have walked out sooner than the two hours post birth.

I get it that you're nervous and your PIL aren't your favourite people but banning them for two weeks, whilst not doing the same with your own family, is hypocritical and churlish.

I found that breastfeeding and tiredness were great excuses to slope off and leave my OH to hosting duties. There are comprises that you can make that would benefit everyone, even if it's only to show your partner that you value his relationship with his family.

The responsibility that comes with a newborn is enormous but caring for them isn't rocket science, I had zero experience when I had DD, all my knowledge came from common sense and on the job training and nine years later she's still here.

if I could go back in time and give advice to myself it would be to chill (and not to waste my money on overpriced kit) because sweating the small stuff was a waste of my time and energy.

There's no way that I'm having people round to visit in the first week or so after I've given birth. I will be sitting around with my chest exposed most of the time, leaking and crying at adverts on the TV, wearing pyjamas and dozing on the sofa.

When I say visitors I mean fil and his wife, bil etc. I don't know them very well, definitely not well enough to faff about latching on and spraying milk half-way across the room accidently when the baby cries. People say that you're supposed to treat all grandparents the same, but I'm more comfortable with my mum, she will help with the other DC, and won't bat an eyelid at an over flowing bathroom bin or sink full of washing up.

I will have just given birth, so in my mind, my recovery and getting the baby sorted takes priority over everything else.

All the shit about how in ye olden days women pushed out a baby in a house bursting with extended family and neighbors is why "lying in" for anything between a week and a month after giving birth used to be standard practice and still is in many parts of the world. Yes, the very poorest had to chuck the baby at the nearest willing babysitter (often a slightly older child of an age UK parents would judge each other for even leaving home alone let alone given sole care of an infant) and get back to hard manual labour... but also lots of new mothers tended to die in the good old days (as did lots of new babies... and of course both still do in many of the countries where childbirth for the poor remains the way it used to be in western Europe back when extended family was Family and young mothers knew their place).

Tell your DH they can come after a week but hotel only and you/he will not be providing tea/coffee/food they can look after you for a change.
Whoop-de-do that some people were back at the gym on the way out of hospital. Some people have relatives who they tolerate usually and after birth would be the idea of hell

Well, for my friend it meant just her, her partner, her mother and the cleaning lady. She didn't seem to think that was unusual

I wouldn't put that down to being usual. I think its more about the way they live.

I breastfed 5 babies, each for a year and trust me your breasts aren't exposed. ;o)

No-one sees anything. Anyone who matters wouldn't care if they did. Anyone who cares - doesn't matter.

If you're waving your norks around - you're doing it wrong. I've sat on buses and breastfed and no-one was any the wiser.

But if the in-laws don't visit in the first two weeks when will they? Family bonding time with dad is surely going to become more not less precious at the weekends when he's back at work, and if OP (understandably) finds their visits stressful is doing them alone without her partner there really a good idea? It's also surely a bit sad for him not to be there for his parents meeting their grandchild. The problem is that they live an overnight stay distance away and that problem isn't going away.

After 3 days in hospital post birth this march (to get infection under control) I was keen to have relatives visit, show off baby etc so don't assume you will need 2 weeks alone. If you have ILs visit when your DH is on his 10 days leave then he can occupy them - and even if they are 'lazy' just holding the baby lets you nap, have a bath etc etc. You need similar rules for both sets of ILs. Plus think how nice it is that your baby has so many relatives keen to see him/her - my DH and I have only 1 surviving parent between us...

There's a big difference between not wanting house guests and not allowing any visitors for two weeks!

And I hate this idea that women are such fragile flowers that they just can't cope with anything after they've had a baby and have to be secluded and cosseted and have every whim indulged. Some women are unlucky enough to be ill after giving birth- of course they are. But most women aren't. And anyway, if they don't feel like seeing visitors, why can't the baby's father take the baby and show it off to its family while the mother stays in bed? And as for the cups of tea thing- a person can expect to have a cup of tea made til they are blue in the face but nobody actually has to make it for them!

n ye olden days women pushed out a baby in a house bursting with extended family and neighbors is why "lying in" for anything between a week and a month after giving birth used to be standard practice and still is in many parts of the world

And thats exactly what the previous poster meant a few pages ago.

Joffrey that is all very well and good once you've got the hang of breadt feeding but it is categorically not true that the majority of women find it easy to discretely breast feed their first born in the first few days. Lots of people struggle massively and do need to sit about with their breasts out because they have "done it wrong" initially and ended up with very sore nappies etc - you were very lucky if you didn't require a week or longer of trial and error with your first baby, before you reached nobody even knows I'm breast feeding on the bus level competence.

If you're waving your norks around - you're doing it wrong. I've sat on buses and breastfed and no-one was any the wiser.

People often are doing it "wrong" the first few days with the first baby. They (and the baby) is usually still learning how to breast feed.

We have a large house yet my parents still stayed in the pub down the road when visiting. They are helpful and it was lovely to have them around for a couple of days after I came home BUT they only came in 2 hour bursts.

Having said that, you really cannot have one rule for one and another for another. My MIL did stay as she is on her own and doesn't have her own transport; but she came down when DS was 8 weeks.

Don’t stress about having arrangements set in stone, you don’t know at this stage when baby will arrive or how you’ll feel after the birth. DH is likely to change his tune once he’s witnessed the birth and spent a couple of days at home with the newborn.
Perhaps you could call MIL directly and chat about this (it’s amazing how many details and how much of the message tone changes when filtered through your other half).Emphasise that you know they must be so excited to meet the baby but you’re just worried that it’s a long trip, and won’t it be tiring for them? At least if they’re in a hotel they’ll be able to sleep well at nights! Tell her what a big help it will be for you to have her be able to make you a cup of tea or put dinner on.
Unless they’re invalids or have servants they probably cook and clean at their own house and might actually be expecting to help you out a little. When they do come, don’t lift a finger to do anything for them, if MIL does try to co-opt DH to do stuff for her, hand the baby to him and go have a shower or something. Butter MIL up a bit by asking for her advice. You don’t have to follow any of it but might find some of it actually useful. They probably just want a ton of cute pics to show their friends back home. They won’t be around forever. My FIL passed away last year and DS loves looking at pictures of grandpa holding him when he was a baby.
Best of luck. Hope all goes well for you.

OP- YOU do what YOU feel is best. Bollocks to feelings and 'grandparent rights'. The prevalence of post natal depression is all around the ridiculous pressure put on new mums today.

You're having the baby, you make the rules. Just include DH in your decision making thought process so he can understand xx

^Well, for my friend it meant just her, her partner, her mother and the cleaning lady. She didn't seem to think that was unusual

I wouldn't put that down to being usual. I think its more about the way they live.^

Was totally normal (these were Chinese Malaysians - the women I knew in Hong Kong were better off and stayed in Confinement Hotels!)

Joffrey - perhaps once you're used to it people don't see - but for my first I was boobs out - figuring out exactly how to latch a tiny baby on to enormous boobs took quite some time to learn!

And if you don't call heavy bleeding, stomach wound healing and legs swollen from epidural vulnerable - you're a sterner woman than I

No, you're not being unreasonable. Especially about not wanting to hand over your newborn to someone who's been drinking.

You don't have to be 'fair to both families' either. You will be recovering- you don't yet know how difficult the birth will be , or whether you'll need a c-section. You may well need someone to help look after YOU. The priorities here are 1) the health of the baby, and 2) your recovery. Grandparents bickering about who got to hold the baby first would piss me right off.

If they do end up staying, you need to make absolutely sure that your husband does all the running around after them- cleaning, cooking, making beds. You cuddle your baby as much as you feel the baby needs- the baby needs to bond with you, he/she isn't a toy to take turns with. And if you want to breastfeed and need to sit there with your top off, then do so. You've asked politely, they are trying to stamp all over your wishes, so you need to be equally tough about putting your baby's needs and your own well-being first.