Two sets of in-laws and newborn

[user1466488499]

Hello, please be gentle with me, first timer here! We're expecting our first child next month, I'm excited, nervous, looking forward to it and also scared.

DHs parents are divorced, both re-married, with no other children so hubby is an only child and our child will be the first grandchild. This is where the issue starts with both sets of in-laws. They're mid-70s, have to be the centre of attention, don't help around the house and expect to be waited upon and taken out for meals. Luckily they live about 300 miles away so don't see them too often.

I made it clear to DH ages ago that I wanted our first 2 weeks out of hospital when he's on paternity leave to be just the three of us to help us bond as a family unit and get to know our child. I want to make sure I'm breastfeeding correctly and know I may well be sore and tired after giving birth.

Now FIL and wife have announced they're not happy about waiting to see their grandchild - problem is that because they live so far away, they'll want to stay for at least a couple of nights and they won't help out whatsoever. DH will spend his time running around after them rather than bonding with his child. As they have no experience with babies, I'll have to keep a close eye on them as well as trying to recover from the birth. I don't want my baby handed around like a plaything to entertain them. I have explained to them how newborns are very sensitive and could they wait a while before visiting but they've spent the weekend moaning to my husband who is now taking their side and says I am being unreasonable. The tiger mum inside me wants to protect and care for my little one and keep him close, not handed around to lazy in laws who won't do anything to help out. The only person I would appreciate around in the early days is my mum who will cook, clean, go to tesco etc. and be invaluable. DH says that if his parents aren't allowed to visit straightaway then neither should my parents - not getting the point that his lot are lazy and expect to be waited upon and stay for days whereas my folks will stay for an afternoon or one day and be brilliant.

Help, maybe I am being very selfish but I don't want my new baby handed around like a bag of sweets to lazy in laws who know nothing about babies and who won't help us....aargh! This is a recipe for disaster when i consider how raging hormones will be and sleep deprived after the birth....

It really does depend on the individuals and how they behave.
My mum and my lovely friend were the ideal people to have around in the early days - they brought food, tidied and washed up and were generally helpful and considerate.

My ILs arrived at the crack of dawn, demanded food and drink to be prepared for them, insisted on having the TV on all day at full volume, criticised everything, crashed and banged their way around our tiny house until my nerves were in shreds.

They arrived unannounced on the day I gave birth to my 3rd. Within 30 minutes they had reduced me, and my 2 little boys - who were so excited about their new sibling - to floods of tears. Awful people. My youngest is now 18 and I still resent the fact that they ruined that day for all of us.

I completely understand the OP's anxiety.

No, I haven't done this before, been a parent, but then years ago when parents in law had my DH, mum's stayed in the hospital for 10 days to get used to the baby and shown how to nurse etc. Now we're kicked out asap and left to fend for ourselves. I guess it's nerves and not wanting to be steam-rolled over by well meaning but not sympathetic in-laws.

And imo, breastfeeding help is much better. And most mums these days seem to recoil in horror at thought of staying in even for one night!

Let them stay in a hotel and make your DH run interference with them.

Let them cuddle, just make sure that any sign of restlessness you get your baby back asap.

All will be fine!

It's so unnecessary rainbow - why do so many parents feel the need to spout the "you don't know you're born" "just you wait, it only gets harder" stuff -it's just to make the more experienced parent feel superior isn't it?

I have 3 kids - until my mother defended the 2nd was easiest because he fed and slept well and there were no school runs as dc1 was only just 2. We had lively snuggly duvet days. When he was 2 weeks old a self centered, demanding and critical adult house guest made it a horrible time, but before that it was far easier than withdc1 as I knew what I was doing and what to expect, and he was an easier baby.

Lots of people seem to think k everyone should and will have the same experience as they did, but there are 1001 possible combinations of events and personalities meaning equally many different experiences.

Go visit them for a weekend, we did it at a couple of weeks, 400 miles and she slept whole time. Sounds easier than having house guests. Also second a hotel, I offered parents to stop at ours and they refused point blank, arriving after dh went to work and leaving after dinner had been made.

And I stayed in bed all day the day after having my first because I was physically fastenedto the bed with drains and intravenous antibiotics on a drip and fluids after multiple blood transfusions after a totally unexpected planned section - but yes, lazy fuckers staying in bed all day wanting cosseting - they should have manned up like you and acted as if they hadn't just had babies

*unplanned

The worst thing about this thread is how so many women have been socialised not to put their needs first and birth has become this ordinary everyday thing you have to get on with and make like its no big deal. It's sexism hitting women when they are at their most vulnerable. No wonder PND is rampant.

You did notice all the careful exceptions listed in people's posts, didn't you?

It's so unnecessary rainbow - why do so many parents feel the need to spout the "you don't know you're born" "just you wait, it only gets harder" stuff -it's just to make the more experienced parent feel superior isn't it?

I have no desire to sound superior at all! I'm just bewildered that some people think they should lock themselves away in their pyjamas for days/weeks on end with their babies and wo betide anyone that actually wants to visit and meet the new addition!

I was stating a fact about subsequent births. You can't be so precious.

My DH is self-employed and took two days off and my mum was dying of cancer and could barely walk. I had to get on with life

Of course it's a totally different ball game if you've had major complications!

I'm talking about 'normal' situations. Jeez

"It's sexism hitting women when they are at their most vulnerable"

I absolutely disagree. It's the assumption that women are fragile porcelain madonnas at the mercy of their hormones,poor dears, absolved from all courtesies and social conventions and responsibilities because they can't help it

You are absolutely right batteries - anyone who isn't totally nonchalant about giving birth and absolutely falling over themselves to prioritise everyone but themselves is jeered and sneered at for being a special snowflake. It wouldn't happen if their bodies had been through the same amount of trauma for a unisex reason... but because it is a female specific event and the physical and hormonal effects are yucky female things we have to pretend it is nothing and show how we are unaffected by it. It's why mothers instinctively claim to be worried for the baby's sake, because saying you are physically and emotionally uncomfortable and asking to have that prioritised is a sign of weakness in a woman.

YOU are the one having the baby, therefore you should get more say in what happens. It is a far bigger thing for a woman given her body has to recover, leaky boobs, sore vadge/stomach if section etc. In these situation I do think a mothers wishes should carry more weight than what the father wants to happen. It's exhausting giving birth.

I wouldn't want house guests either. I also think there is a huge difference in a woman's mother coming to help her daughter out than ILs who quite frankly, probably don't really give a damn about the mother, they just want the baby. I don't think it does have to be entirely equal in this situation. My MIL didn't help at all, wouldn't even make herself a cup of tea, would sit and wait for DH to do it and just want to knkw when the rest of the ILs would be visiting. My nan brought us plates of food, came and tidied up, looked after baby whilst I had to do something, sat with me when I was terrified after DH went back to work, came to the doctors with me when baby had jabs (terrified first time mum there), siblings came with their own food to save me having to get up etc. There is a big difference in visitors that are happy to sort themselves out or be of help to ones that sit and wait to be served and don't offer a single thing. I know which type are more welcome.

Sorry I don't get this at all.
My children were born 11 years apart (1992 and 2004) and the prevalence of this sort of attitude massively increased with my younger child.
It's almost as if this is mum's last chance to be the centre of attention and have everyone doing as she says.
I suppose it's what happens when bridezillas become mums.

" It's why mothers instinctively claim to be worried for the baby's sake, because saying you are physically and emotionally uncomfortable and asking to have that prioritised is a sign of weakness in a woman."

This is a really good point. When I was I was in hospital, I had the hospital gown on when ILs came, body had swelled up due to huge amount of water retention, had no sleep, very difficult birth, extremely sore due to bad tear and sugary. I would have preferred not to have them there. I was very uncomfortable about it and about people seeing me like that. It isn't the same with your own family. They have seen all the worst bits about you before. It's ok to want a bit of dignity after going through something big. If a man had had a big operation or some sort of thing happening to his body, it wouldn't be fair for a woman's family to all rock up and goggle at him when he wasn't comfortable, a mess, sore, in pain. Just because it's a woman giving birth I don't see why it should be any different.

cathf what a load of rubbish! I wasn't a bridezilla and I loathe being the centre of attention. Doesn't mean I want endless amounts of people that I don't feel comfortable around being with me when I feel vulnerable and am in pain.

There is a position between the entire extended family turning up at the delivery suite and no visitors for two months, you know!

a healthy newborn is quite robust and will tolerate being passed around...dont worry about it from the baby's point of view! baby will be fine.

you however may be feeling fragile and sensitive and sore and that is fine. it is fine to say no visitors for two weeks.

have them stay in hotel or b and b.
when you up to it take baby out in pram and meet in local cafe or park.

Gosh heaven forfend I suspend all courtesies and social conventions! Greasing the wheels of social interaction is a woman's role after all!!

I really can't agree that the same access should be allowed to both sets of grandparents. I think it's perfectly natural that in the aftermath of giving birth the new mother might desperately want to be mothered herself. I would really have loved to have a lovely nuturing mother about the place, when I was struggling with establishing breast feeding, or hitting the baby blues. Not my actual mother, it has to be said, since she is clinically selfish, absolutely barking and has a vicious tongue. Still - didn't stop me missing what could have been. Unless you're exceptionally lucky, I just don't think your in-laws will be there for you in quite the same way.

A good (grand)mother could be extremely influential to the good mental health of the new mother. Good mental health is important to the well-being of the baby. I don't think that should be restricted because everyone's trying to treat the two (or more) sets of (grand)parents equally. It's a major life change: everyone should get a grip, put aside normal social niceties and act in the best interests of the mother-and-baby.

I presume you are deliberately reading half my posts?

I think you are going to have to call it when it happens but have a clear discussion with your DH that no decisions re: houseguests are to be made without your input and agreement i.e no arrangments made without you, so neither granny gets to say "Hi! we are en route, will be with you in half an hour!"

My first was awful (like personal injury claim and a hospital formal apology awful) - I was in hospital for 10 days but when I got out I was desperate for the family to come over (I blame hormones) and I ran around like a loon making sandwiches and tea. My second was a textbook elective c-section and afterwards I felt awful and didnt want company (hormones again). You just dont know until you are there.

Try not to fret too much about it now - I think its part of the process to a certain extent, trying to control the bits left of your life you can - but you just dont know yet! And you should be able to tell the GP's that.
And its going to be lovely and amazing .

I really can't agree that the same access should be allowed to both sets of grandparents

How nice. Mothers of boys a pretty useless, really, aren't they? They don't know how to look after women or anything like that.

Have a baby boy, enjoy your own newborn cuddles with him because the chances of you being allowed near his newborn children until they are several weeks old is vanishingly small...

There's something very sad and telling in the phrase "access be allowed".......

You sound very precious. Just let them stay in a hotel and pop in for a few hours. I think the issue is that you hate them and don't want them near your baby at all.

Surely DH can cook and clean since he hasn't given birth?