Two sets of in-laws and newborn

[user1466488499]

Hello, please be gentle with me, first timer here! We're expecting our first child next month, I'm excited, nervous, looking forward to it and also scared.

DHs parents are divorced, both re-married, with no other children so hubby is an only child and our child will be the first grandchild. This is where the issue starts with both sets of in-laws. They're mid-70s, have to be the centre of attention, don't help around the house and expect to be waited upon and taken out for meals. Luckily they live about 300 miles away so don't see them too often.

I made it clear to DH ages ago that I wanted our first 2 weeks out of hospital when he's on paternity leave to be just the three of us to help us bond as a family unit and get to know our child. I want to make sure I'm breastfeeding correctly and know I may well be sore and tired after giving birth.

Now FIL and wife have announced they're not happy about waiting to see their grandchild - problem is that because they live so far away, they'll want to stay for at least a couple of nights and they won't help out whatsoever. DH will spend his time running around after them rather than bonding with his child. As they have no experience with babies, I'll have to keep a close eye on them as well as trying to recover from the birth. I don't want my baby handed around like a plaything to entertain them. I have explained to them how newborns are very sensitive and could they wait a while before visiting but they've spent the weekend moaning to my husband who is now taking their side and says I am being unreasonable. The tiger mum inside me wants to protect and care for my little one and keep him close, not handed around to lazy in laws who won't do anything to help out. The only person I would appreciate around in the early days is my mum who will cook, clean, go to tesco etc. and be invaluable. DH says that if his parents aren't allowed to visit straightaway then neither should my parents - not getting the point that his lot are lazy and expect to be waited upon and stay for days whereas my folks will stay for an afternoon or one day and be brilliant.

Help, maybe I am being very selfish but I don't want my new baby handed around like a bag of sweets to lazy in laws who know nothing about babies and who won't help us....aargh! This is a recipe for disaster when i consider how raging hormones will be and sleep deprived after the birth....

Solong - if you read the politics of breastfeeding that explains how recovery / lying was achieved. Because the home was the workplace pre-industrial revolution there was much more flexibility to reduce workload temporarily, OH to take on a fair share of childcare etc etc. Really good book.

Solong - Lying in is an ideal - what is wrong with that? With planning and support it's achievalbe for many. www.naturalbirthandbabycare.com/lying-in-why-you-should-do-it/

Whatever you do, allow yourself to change your mind. I expected to want to have "just the three of us" time the first couple of weeks. As it was I felt great, baby was really relaxed and I ended up having family and friends (one set at a time) round right from the start. I just asked would they mind making a cuppa before they expected me to get up. Just be a little cheeky.

Your parents do not take priority over his parents. You will both bond with your baby no matter if he has to do a bit of running around for his elderly family members. ALL the grandparents will be thrilled with the new arrival (and remember they do have experience with babies - you and your husband. In fact, as of today, they have 100% more experience than you do).

How about telling them to book into a local hotel on day 3 and they can pop in for 1 hour per day, maybe an afternoon on alternate days per grandparent set? That way it's a quick cuppa then 23 hours alone to relax and get used to baby? Grandparents are also very excited and frankly babies change so much in the first weeks that it's a shame to miss that.

It's just all a bit mystical for me. I guess if other people find - the lying in/the 'bonding'/the attachment makes them happy and relaxed, and doesn't cause some kind of long-term negative repercussions, then go for it.

I didn't decide in advance my baby would be 'sensitive.' (I gather the womb is actually a pretty noisy place.) I took some rest in the days after birth. I breastfed my baby for a good long time.. I didn't go clubbing or attempt a marathon days after giving birth. But neither did I elevate the time immediately after birth into some fancy quasi-religious experience on which my own - and my baby's salvation - was dependent.

Whether I shall turn out to be the 'in-law/step in-law from hell' that some are confidently predicting remains to be seen. But as I get on pretty well with my adult stepchildren and young adult daughter,, and we have ridden through the ups and downs so far, I am not dreadfully worried as yet.

Hmm. I had a similar worry when my son was born- in laws live 2 1/2 hrs away so them visiting would mean them staying for a couple of nights. I get on really well with them and they are very helpful- and actually it was nice to have them around. Like someone else said, just see how you feel when you get home and for now, just tell them that.

There is a significant body of opinion which would say that attachment to the mother is something that kicks in at around 9 months in terms of infant development.

Erm...do you mean detachment? I thought 9 months was when they started to realise then and their mother were not one and the same person and that's where the separation anxiety starts to kick in? So up until that point they see themselves as so interconnected with the mother that when the mother isn't there it feels like they have lost a limb!

Your DH is in a difficult position, but you are entitled to expect him to support you in your decisions. This isn't a game of one-upmanship, and if your mother can be relied upon to help you during you and your DH's most vulnerable time (and more importantly back off when required), then so be it.

It sounds as though your DH isn't in the habit of having to disagree with his parents, and that's a tough one, however, this isn't your responsibility, it's his. He needs to negotiate a new relationship with them.

I don't think it's your responsibility to decide for grown-ups where they should stay. He and they are quite capable of arranging a hotel or a B&B that's nearby.

It sounds as though the most difficult message to get across is with your DH, rather than your in-laws. I'm sure he's feeling nervous about impending fatherhood and wants his own support, but really, this is about him recognising his priorities.

Op, if you employ others to help you live your day to day life you really are going to have to learn to suck it up that they will more than likely not be a constant in your sons life and its up to you to help him live that reality.

We employ a care team of 4 who help me get my severely disabled son through his day and because of family circumstances 2 are leaving this year. Its life. It is what it is. And we are just having to suck it up.

I think you have to do the same thing. Your sons emotional wellbeing is your responsibility and you have to see him through this.

sorry, wrong thread.

Despite asking my in-laws to respect our time getting to know our firstborn they ignored my wishes and insisted on staying with us for 2 or 3 nights. (I had no problem with them visiting, just asked them to use a hotel.) MIL actually said when I asked this at 8 months' pregnant and pretty hormonal that she could not discuss it with me as she was too upset. IMO you are being completely reasonable. I regret not standing my ground.

Am I the only one who finds this 'lock down' and 'no visitors' all a bit weird ?
Have had three babies.
Wasn't a command performance.
Isn't a 4 limb amputation.

Had baby.
Mother came to visit in hospital on evening after birth.
MIL came to visit at home next day.

Mother came to visit day after.
Mother and MIL came to visit day after that and took baby with bottle of expressed milk and had a grand time persuading dd1 to take a bottle.
I had a sleep.

DH made tea and conversation, then went to work.

Everybody lived.
X 3 babies.

All this 'two week bonding' stuff a bit precious.

Err, did some of you getting uppity about the 'no experience' comment even read OP's post?!

FIL has remarried & no other children so stepmother probably doesn't have experience with newborns and if DH's FIL is anything like mine, he might not have been very hands on either!!

I had to tell my SMIL not to hold my 5 day old baby in one hand with her tea hovering over her head in her other hand!

I say tell them you aren't ready for an onslaught & limit visiting hours to certain times each day. Surely they can manage a hotel if they're that desperate to visit in the first previous few weeks?

I'll be honest, I was so knackered & overwhelmed in the first few weeks (months?) I didn't care if anyone thought I was rude.

I also whipped my boobs out in front of MIL and SFIL regularly. My living room = my baby = my rules. If you don't like it then you're free to leave.

Err, did some of you getting uppity about the 'no experience' comment even read OP's post?!

Yes. And refrained from assuming that OP's parents were anything like our own, unlike you.

Marilyn my thoughts exactly !!!

So Marilyn & Lotus, because it was fine for you, it should be fine for the OP? Well, if you'd piped up from the start and told us all sooner, you could've saved 16 pages of everyone's time!

Wow! I've pretty much read all the post and so shocked by how some people can be nasty!

OP is going to have a c-section. In case anyone who hasn't gone through this and doesn't know, it's major abdominal surgery. Forgetting for one minute about the baby, no one should have houseguest during that time! It's normal for someone to want their mum around to help tho.

It's totally unreasonable for FiL and his wife to expect to come round and stay so soon after! Past experience has shown they don't help! So other than for their own selfish emotional needs, what is the point of them staying around in the house other than to cause stress and add extra work?

OP u should make sure your husband get to see down there before they stich u up! So he realises how serious this is! U r going to need time to rest! With my first (it was emergency C) and I struggled to walk up the stairs for 2 weeks. I needed help to get in and out of bed. With my second it was planned and much easier recovery but still sore and tired! You need that time to just lie in bed with ur baby and sleep when it sleeps! Let ur boobs hang out and just enjoy your baby!

My parents live about 10hrs flight away and they came over for 3 months each time I had a baby but they never stayed with us. They came and visited every day for a few hrs and brought us food and dinner and anything we needed for the house. When my mum is here, she just took care of everything, the laundry, ironing, tidying, anything that needed to be done for baby while I just focused on snuggling with my baby. My ILs on the other hand turned up empty handed and expected lunch and served on hand and MIL took over the baby! I had to ask her permission to have my baby back and once she even dragged my baby off my boobs!!!

Your husband need to realise he will need to be looking after u and ur baby. I needed help getting into the bath. And help to get out. He is going to need to prepare food and make sure food shopping is done and baby's laundry is done. Hopefully u recover fast but if u feel u need time and don't want house guest, that is ur prerogative.

Look up b&bs and recommend one to them to stay. Under no circumstances allow anyone to stay over.

U carried that baby for 9 months and it's ur right to express ur wish and they should have some decency to respect ur wishes.

Be strong! Don't let people walk all over u by using emotional blackmail. When ur up all night with a crying baby or colicky baby, let's see if FIL will offer to cook u a meal or do ur food shop or clean ur house! Stand ur ground! Ur baby is nobody's possession. If u let them walk over ur wishes now, they will do it repeatedly until they die! Sorry to be so grim!

As for ur mom, u have every right to want her around! I don't know what I would have done without both my parents help. They were invaluable and u know ur mom would love u unconditionally and help u.

Fuck everyone else.

A post that long and you can't manage "your" and "you"?

U and ur, ffs.

Ask for hotel or B&B. Remind them that they'll want the peace and quiet to retire to. But the 2 weeks grace period is overkill. You may, in fact, be wanting support and help prior to then.

Definitely set expectations (they will not be waited on and will be expected to help).

I am one of those mums who relinquished PFB into any waiting arms - at day 7, the wait staff of a fave and familiar restaurant actually took my baby so I could eat in peace and they could gush. And this continue throughout babyhood ... I would regularly hand off baby to waitstaff and enjoy lovely dinners with my DH. To the point that when child was 2 yrs old - the restaurant staff held a surprise bday party for my child - gifts, cake ... The whole works. My child was thrilled. I was thrilled (truly surprised, especially as we were moving and would not be returning for years, at minimum).

I believe all the love focused on Baby will be for the best. Rather than limit the love and attention, maybe see whether you can accept all the love ... But within boundaries you're comfortable with.

Doesn't sound like help and support will be on offer anyway though, does it.

Hotel over a b and b. You want someone with meals provided. Otherwise you or your dh will have to think about feeding them.

*A post that long and you can't manage "your" and "you"?

U and ur, ffs.*

That was really fucking rude Hodooooooooor

I was bulldozed into having my mother to stay when my DC2 was born and she really did set up camp in my breast feeding chair and expect to spend two weeks cuddling the baby while I waited on her and looked after the toddler, and not handing him back except for me to feed him as quickly as possible and change his nappy, then return him to her. She truly felt that I should be grateful that she was there "to hold the baby" so I could "get on" with housework and laundry (including her laundry which she asked me to fetch from her room and "pop in" with hers.

I had had a caesarean and she is a blimin early-retired medical doctor - she knew full well what a caesarean is despite not having had one herself, yet she sat on her arse telling me I was going to have to get on and vaccume and wash the floor "some time" and wasn't I lucky to have her around to hold the baby so I could do it. As I wrote early in the thread she criticised my cooking, wanted me to drive her to town and go on a shopping trip with her so she could buy herself clothes as she decided she had not packed correctly for the weather, she was nasty about my friends and when I wanted to get out of the house and take the toddler to her toddlers group she came along and held forth loudly in English about herself to the group and anyone she could pin down for the entire time despite the fact it was a local German speaking group.

The thing is I knew she would be like that but my father emotionally blackmailed me into putting her needs first - she'd have been heart broken if I hadn't wanted her to come and "help".

She was only in her late 50s at the time and had no health problems.

When I could stand it no longer and confronted her after about 5 days about how I did not need or want her to hold the baby all day every day she cried and said it was her time to bond with him as she might never get that time with a new baby again and wanted to hold him all the time as she was "only" with us for two weeks and it was a special time for her... and anyway I should be getting on and washing the floors...

All the people who house guests in the post partum period worked out for - good for you. It isn't like that for everyone.

Hodooooooor That was rather rude- there was absolutely no need.