Two sets of in-laws and newborn

[user1466488499]

Hello, please be gentle with me, first timer here! We're expecting our first child next month, I'm excited, nervous, looking forward to it and also scared.

DHs parents are divorced, both re-married, with no other children so hubby is an only child and our child will be the first grandchild. This is where the issue starts with both sets of in-laws. They're mid-70s, have to be the centre of attention, don't help around the house and expect to be waited upon and taken out for meals. Luckily they live about 300 miles away so don't see them too often.

I made it clear to DH ages ago that I wanted our first 2 weeks out of hospital when he's on paternity leave to be just the three of us to help us bond as a family unit and get to know our child. I want to make sure I'm breastfeeding correctly and know I may well be sore and tired after giving birth.

Now FIL and wife have announced they're not happy about waiting to see their grandchild - problem is that because they live so far away, they'll want to stay for at least a couple of nights and they won't help out whatsoever. DH will spend his time running around after them rather than bonding with his child. As they have no experience with babies, I'll have to keep a close eye on them as well as trying to recover from the birth. I don't want my baby handed around like a plaything to entertain them. I have explained to them how newborns are very sensitive and could they wait a while before visiting but they've spent the weekend moaning to my husband who is now taking their side and says I am being unreasonable. The tiger mum inside me wants to protect and care for my little one and keep him close, not handed around to lazy in laws who won't do anything to help out. The only person I would appreciate around in the early days is my mum who will cook, clean, go to tesco etc. and be invaluable. DH says that if his parents aren't allowed to visit straightaway then neither should my parents - not getting the point that his lot are lazy and expect to be waited upon and stay for days whereas my folks will stay for an afternoon or one day and be brilliant.

Help, maybe I am being very selfish but I don't want my new baby handed around like a bag of sweets to lazy in laws who know nothing about babies and who won't help us....aargh! This is a recipe for disaster when i consider how raging hormones will be and sleep deprived after the birth....

Yanbu...no overnight guests in the 2 weeks for anyone. Hotel only and you dont provide meals. Fil has some experience with dh!

I don't want my baby handed around like a plaything to entertain them

Yeah god forbid that a grandparent would want to hold a grandchild and love them.

Some of you parents nowadays are bloody bonkers.

YABU. I think it's perfectly natural that the mum, who has recently given birth, might want her parents there. In this case the DH should understand that it's not about the grandparents' equal rights but about the new mum's right to be comfortable and taken care of. Giving birth is not easy and it can take time to recuperate

I don't get why it's assumed that FIL is a baby expert, given he has had one baby, maybe 40 years ago, when fathers were far more likely to be totally hands off than today. Hell, my dad didn't meet my oldest sister until she was a couple months old, because he worked abroad. Must still be an issue for service families etc.

But OP, you can't expect your husband to see your mum favoured like this. Insist on them being in a hotel, stress that you may well not feel up to much visiting and if so they'll have to suck it up. And apologise if you've said some of the stuff on here to your H. It's his dad, no one likes to hear their dad being run down. Especially if it's true!

Yanbu. The first week or so after having a baby are an exhausted blur. When I had my first I felt like I had been hit by a bus. And we ended up in and out of hospital as she had feeding issues and jaundice. It was really tough, and the last thing I would have wanted was people around expecting to be looked after. I had an easier home birth with my second, but it was still knackering, and whilst up to visitors much sooner, no way would I have been up to house guests.

I hate the "same rule for both families" argument. You're not being unfair, you're being practical. Your mum will pop in to help you out, which is what you need. Your dh needs to back you up on this. YOU are the one going through labour, and then you will both have a tiny baby to look after. His parents wants should be waaay down the list of priorities. You want time at home to recover without house guests? There shouldn't even be a discussion about this - it's what you want and it trumps everything else in my view. They can come and visit when baby is a few weeks old and you're feeling up to it.

The odds are quite high that your partner feels more comfortable with his own parents than yours - most people (but not everyone) feel more relaxed around their own family than their in-laws. Essentially what you're saying is that his feelings about his parents matter less than your feelings about yours. This seems like a pretty horrible attitude - you know that the baby isn't just yours, right? I understand the logistical problems with the in-law visit, but I can also see why he wants it to happen while he's on pat leave - let's be honest, you're not going to facilitate them seeing the baby while he's at work, are you?

Sorry I meant yaNbu

there seems to be a bit of 'my' baby going on, it's dh's too, no wonder he's miffed, but as you are a first timer, it's understandable you are worried, but please don't alienate people, they DO have the experience, you haven't - yet.

But OP will have given birth! Her DH will not. Big difference!

I think you are being unfair, you haven't had the baby yet, you have no idea how its going to be for you.
For example my first child was a model baby, took to breastfeeding very easily expecting a feed every four hours and slept though the night 4 days out of hospital. What I'm trying to say is you have no idea how the birth will go how difficult or easy it will be to establish feeding or how tired you will be or what your general overall mood will be like (hormones can be buggers)

I agree with previous posters say the in laws can visit but can they give you a few days or a week to get yourself over the birth and you will not be able to host them so could they stay at a local hotel/B&B/travelodge, but you will be pleased and excited to introduce and show off the new arrival to them.
You will be storing up problems with your Dh if you are not more reasonable about this , he has a point!

Good Luck, relax a bit and try and enjoy your baby and let others too.

Thank you all for your messages! Even the harsh ones, I feel suitably chastened. Here are my take home messages. Having them stay in a hotel will not kill me and having them visit for a short time in the afternoons will work I think.
FIL's wife has a drink issue and regularly passes out with too much booze (day and night!) hence my reluctance to allow her to even pick the baby up!
No, I haven't done this before, been a parent, but then years ago when parents in law had my DH, mum's stayed in the hospital for 10 days to get used to the baby and shown how to nurse etc. Now we're kicked out asap and left to fend for ourselves. I guess it's nerves and not wanting to be steam-rolled over by well meaning but not sympathetic in-laws.

Help, maybe I am being very selfish but I don't want my new baby handed around like a bag of sweets to lazy in laws who know nothing about babies and who won't help us....aargh!

While there are some babies who just really, really want/need to spend all their first weeks/months with their mum, there are a lot of babies who from just a few hours old are extremely social and adore meeting lots of new people.

I was like you when pregnant, I'd read all the horror stories of overbearing grandparents not respecting the baby's wishes and treating them like a cuddle toy and I was prepared to fight for my baby's right to be with me. Then my son was born and he was as chilled out and social as it's possible to be and from day one he just loooooved meeting new people. He'd look up into the eyes of every new person he met assess them and then stretch out with a big reflexive smile. I was shocked at how eager I was to introduce him to everyone and let him experience all the love his extended family had for him. I learned that it wasn't my job to protect him from the world, it was and is my job to introduce him to it and let him experience all it's joys.

This is something that you have to let the baby lead the way on. We're a social species and it's biologically normal for newborns to be held and cuddled by loving extended family from very early on. So I wouldn't get too het up right now on trying to enforce rules that you might decide aren't for your family once the baby arrives.

You speak very viciously about them. I know you are hormonal but it seems like you hate your in-laws.

These will be your baby's grandparents. But unless there is a massive backstory all they seem to do wrong is be lazy when they come and visit.

You are being U to ban them but let your mum come. I personally think you would be better off with short visits from them whilst your DH is around - so he can be nice to them and you can avoid them as much as you want to. Surely better than them visiting after your DH has gone back to work?

Sorry x-post

I think you are unreasonable to expect them to wait for two weeks but at the same time, they can't expect to stay at your house during this time if you don't want them to. They'll have to stay in a hotel.
As for favouring your mother, I think that is inevitable if you know she will help and your FIL won't. If he is anything like my father, he won't have a clue about babies.

The odds are quite high that your partner feels more comfortable with his own parents than yours - most people (but not everyone) feel more relaxed around their own family than their in-laws. Essentially what you're saying is that his feelings about his parents matter less than your feelings about yours

I'm all about fairness, but yes, her feelings do actually matter here more - because it's not just a baby, but it's also her, boobs out, sore, bleeding, tired and trying to recover (painting a lovely picture huh!) - for the first week, I wore a thin dressing gown, incontinence pants, and the softest bra top I could find because it was summer, I was bleeding, in pain from c-section and trying to establish BFing with a tricky kid (so sore nipples too).

The last thing I wanted was my (lovely) MIL and FIL about. Personally, I didn't want my mum either, but given that she's already seen me naked I would feel a lot less embarrassed in that state around her than with my partner's family.

I had this exact same problem with my other half/PIL.

I wanted a few weeks to get sorted as a family, routine/bonded etc so said 2 weeks would be preferable, as i knew i was going to have to have a C- Section. I get on very very well with my IL (and SIL who also got involved). My husband said he agreed but then i noticed him chatting with his mum and starting to feel the pressure (son was born on the Tuesday) then on the Friday lunchtime he announced he was sorry and there was nothing he could do, his family were on route.

I was genuinely devastated and broke down in tears, the house was a mess the spare bedrrom hadn't been sorted etc and the type of person i am this really stresses me out. Husband was great helping sort things. They stayed the whole weekend (it was heavy snow and i panicked that they would get snowed in). I still remember to this day how upset i felt, as we were still getting to know our baby , my MIL kept (genuinely trying to be kind) offering her opinions and can honestly say it was the most uncomfortable time i have felt in myself as a parent.

On a silver lining, after that weekend i promised myself never again and when advice was offered i smiled and said maybe....then completely ignored it.

Also i had made arrangements with my mum and stuck to them (she was staying in the week when hubby returned to work after paternity leave,so not to interrupt family time and be a support) she was very upset that the IL had been 'allowed' to visit.

yes fraggle women give birth, but it still impacts on the father as well mentally, emotionally and physically but in a different way. some women make it sound like no one has ever had a baby before, it is harder for some more than others, and a first baby is always an unknown quantity imo.

I really don't get this "not wanting the baby handed round" thing.

Of course some babies hate it- so obviously don,t do it then. But most don't mind or like it. And babies are lovely! Why shouldn't their wider family have a cuddle and a hold?

i would also say, we did survive the visit and it did mean that there was no resentment/hate between me and IL which maybe there would have been had i insisted they not come? A few years on and im off on holiday with her while hubby is sat looking after the toddler

I completely understand your post. I have in-laws who are human bulldozers. I would be extremely wary of seeing them for extended periods of time when I was feeling physically tired or hormonal. When you are dealing with people who will not listen, take other people's views on board, and who are incredibly demanding of time and attention, it is not like dealing with someone who is a 'little bit difficult'. You are actually fighting for your own identity and space the entire time that they are there. When you are vulnerable because you are trying to find your feet as a new parent, that is a significant extra strain.

Insist that they go to a hotel, and see them for short periods. If things get too much, agree a codeword with your DH which means that they will go out for a walk and leave you in peace for a bit.

I didn't see grandparents until DS was 3 weeks old. It was harder to arrange to be fair as they came from the Outer Hebrides but they understood that we wanted time to get to grips with things ourselves.

If my DS has children and they want a couple of weeks alone before I go and see the baby I will just think what a good idea it was, and how much I valued that time when I did it myself.

I hope to god I don't become some lose all my senses and become go marching in the day after DIL gives birth demanding my go at holding the baby!

springer really says it all - nice post - everyone is different but ultimately in the long run we do not own our dcs, when they are very young or as they grow up, a wider loving family is a very special thing, not everyone is fortunate enough to have that sadly.

I'm with Choc Choc here.

It is not just about the baby. The mother has just gone through one of the most physically and emotionally challenging things a human can experience.

If she wants her mother there - for her - she should be able to have her mother there.

Sod 'fairness' to the in-laws; this is about what is fair to the new mother and baby. Surely they are the most important people in this?

(I'm expecting and I'm having a two-week ban on all visitors other than me Mam when my son arrives)

The odds are quite high that your partner feels more comfortable with his own parents than yours - most people (but not everyone) feel more relaxed around their own family than their in-laws. Essentially what you're saying is that his feelings about his parents matter less than your feelings about yours

I think the mother's feeling are more important in the two weeks after birth when she is recovering and often very sleep deprived on leaving the hospital (unlike the father) I think that people should only stay with the mother's agreement to help the mother. Other people should just visit for an hour or two.