Two sets of in-laws and newborn

[user1466488499]

Hello, please be gentle with me, first timer here! We're expecting our first child next month, I'm excited, nervous, looking forward to it and also scared.

DHs parents are divorced, both re-married, with no other children so hubby is an only child and our child will be the first grandchild. This is where the issue starts with both sets of in-laws. They're mid-70s, have to be the centre of attention, don't help around the house and expect to be waited upon and taken out for meals. Luckily they live about 300 miles away so don't see them too often.

I made it clear to DH ages ago that I wanted our first 2 weeks out of hospital when he's on paternity leave to be just the three of us to help us bond as a family unit and get to know our child. I want to make sure I'm breastfeeding correctly and know I may well be sore and tired after giving birth.

Now FIL and wife have announced they're not happy about waiting to see their grandchild - problem is that because they live so far away, they'll want to stay for at least a couple of nights and they won't help out whatsoever. DH will spend his time running around after them rather than bonding with his child. As they have no experience with babies, I'll have to keep a close eye on them as well as trying to recover from the birth. I don't want my baby handed around like a plaything to entertain them. I have explained to them how newborns are very sensitive and could they wait a while before visiting but they've spent the weekend moaning to my husband who is now taking their side and says I am being unreasonable. The tiger mum inside me wants to protect and care for my little one and keep him close, not handed around to lazy in laws who won't do anything to help out. The only person I would appreciate around in the early days is my mum who will cook, clean, go to tesco etc. and be invaluable. DH says that if his parents aren't allowed to visit straightaway then neither should my parents - not getting the point that his lot are lazy and expect to be waited upon and stay for days whereas my folks will stay for an afternoon or one day and be brilliant.

Help, maybe I am being very selfish but I don't want my new baby handed around like a bag of sweets to lazy in laws who know nothing about babies and who won't help us....aargh! This is a recipe for disaster when i consider how raging hormones will be and sleep deprived after the birth....

I'm fairly young and even my mum spent a week in hospital post birth, so most grandparents probably did feel up to hosting family after a week in hospital having all meals etc, no housework and just bonding with baby, we don't get that these days so a few days at home is what people want.

I don't get this stuff about indulging women's hormones, etc. How does it damage women as a class to treat post-partum women with care? Are we supposed to be only treating them so because they have "female hormones"?

What nonsense. They're human beings who have gone through a physically exhausting experience and who are very likely to be in discomfort for some days afterwards. I think they deserve at least the same level of respect and consideration you'd give anyone else who'd had in-patient surgery, and it isn't othering women to give it.

2nds you are being deliberately obtuse. I did not say that pnd is a reason gps shouldn't see the baby. I said that bei g surrounded for long periods of time by unsupportive or insensitive family members who prioritise their own wishes over the good of the new mum, is not conducive to her wellbeing. And while it might be ' their own grandchild' there is a woman in all this who is the mother, who has just given birth. What she needs is paramount.
They've not been automatically labelled as lazy - the OP is talking about people she actually knows and has experience of.

No one really thinks it is reasonable to deny all visits (assuming mother and baby are well) but visits need to be managed so that the mum feels supported, listened to, respected as the authority on her own baby and not steamrollered by the expectations of other people.

When dgd arrived they both felt utterly overwhelmed and stressed out ( baby up all night) and asked if I'd come down next day. I said that's no problem
Terrible behaviour

the mum feels supported, listened to, respected as the authority on her own baby

I think yes, it's obvious this is a time when women need to be listened to and supported and to have both their emotions and their physical needs acknowledged.

It's an interesting question as to whether, as a first-time mother, we are the 'authority'.

There's stuff we don't know. And sometimes it's possible that a determination to do something in a particular way (because of idealism/perfectionism/stuff we've read) gets in the way.

Certainly my husband, who had been a father of two children before, once indicated there was something I had overlooked. Another time the Health Visitor gave me a good steer.

As a new first-time mother we don't know it all. And while some advice from an older generation may be outdated or inappropriate, it can be a good idea to keep open to suggestions. Even if just 2% of what somebody says is helpful, it can be a 2% that makes a big difference.

I think the problem comes not from advice, which you can take or leave, but when the mum feels her baby is hungry and the gps disagree and object to giving it back to her or tell her she is wrong, when she is likely to be more aware of latest guidelines.

when she is likely to be more aware of latest guidelines. Which may or may not be a load of rubbish

Parents these days make a profession out of parenthood .

It's ridiculous - why do mothers overthink everything so much ?

I am 39 & tbh its embarrassing that so many of my generation seem to think a) they know best and b) that they are the first people ever to raise a child.

When I was a baby advice from my gpd included dunking the dummy in advocaat to help me sleep and to let babies cry themselves to sleep. Glad my mum ignored it! When I had babies advice had changed about sleeping on tummies and weaning. Personally I think that was useful stuff to know but wouldn't expect gps to be aware of it because they didn't have small dc.
That's not to say that all their advice wasn't helpful because it was but the parents have to decide what to do with their own babies.

Everyone needs advice at times. Especially when doing something for the first time!

There is, however, a vast difference between carefully worded, caring, sensitively offered and solicited advice and simply standing there telling a new mother that she's doing it all wrong when your opinion hasn't even been asked.

These thread lack a LOT of commonsense! Be nice, and people will want to be around you. Be ugly, and they won't.

These thread lack a LOT of commonsense! Be nice, and people will want to be around you. Be ugly, and they won't. Exactly and if that advice was applied to 90% of problems life would be easier for a lot of people.

Round and round and round we go...

"Parents these days" ... yes, of course, that universal homogeneous category ... "why do mothers over think things so much? " bloody idiots all of them...

When I were a lass all this was fields and mothers knew their place - put up and shut up and be a good little woman, do as your told, don't worry your pretty little head with thinking, I didn't travel in a car seat when I was a baby and sacked whisky off my grandma's pinky to make me sleep and I'm still alive....

It's not even what the thread is about, and everything has already been said, discussed, refuted, debated, and said again as if it were an original thought...

Yep, everyone but you thinks they are the first person to have a baby, you're quite right Do you say that to people who experience other life changing events too? Death of aaflovd

"Over thinking" FFS. Having a baby is for most people one of the hugest most intense terrifying and great things they will ever do. If there is ever a time for "over thinking" this is it! Your life will never be the same after you give birth its massive.

Just for a short time whatever the mother wants comes FIRST. Everyone else with an ounce of decency and emotional intelligence should realise that. So what if you want your mother and not his. Thats just tough Im afraid. I think it is a feminist issue, women for a short time doing what they want and not prioritising others feelings. Quite right.

Sorry haven't read the full thread so maybe this was already answered but why does your mum have to come over and do all that stuff. Your husband has paternity leave so he can look after you and other people can visit or not.

I live 200 miles for my son, I saw my GS when he was a few hours old, think it was for about 30 minutes at the hospital and then went out for a meal and stayed in a hotel and left the next morning. I would have been hurt if I couldn't see the baby but wouldn't expect to be staying even for one night. When my daughter has a baby, or should I say if, I won't be expecting to be the skivvy as she has a perfectly healthy capable partner who can cook, clean and go to Tesco.

Just wanted to add that I think 30 minute visits are a good idea.

I'm not sure why people think everyone used to have long stays in hospital. My eldest is 45 and I have 4 including a CS and a home delivery, the longest I was in hospital for a week and the shortest was obviously when I had a home delivery, I think the other two I was in for just over 24 hrs.

**Parents these days make a profession out of parenthood .

It's ridiculous - why do mothers overthink everything so much ?

I am 39 & tbh its embarrassing that so many of my generation seem to think a) they know best and b) that they are the first people ever to raise a child.**

This x 1000

I have said before on this thread, I have an 11-year gap between my oldest and second child (1993 and 2004) and the difference in attitude to parenting is marked.

Parents today seem to make such a big deal of their parenting and also have to be seen to make a big deal of it.

Of course their parents and grandparents know more about raising a child than they do - they have done it, for goodness sake!

And all these posts about the so-called terrible things that went on in the past regarding childcare, well what can I say? Weaning at three months and making up a whole days bottles in advance are tiny things in the grand scale of someone's entire life - does it really matter?

It's OK new mums reading up on all the latest advice and being smug their way is best but the latest advice will change within a year anyway!

The idea of explaining to one's IL that a newborn baby is very sensitive makes me seriously wonder if the poster has lost all grip on reality and does not realise how truly patronising they are being.

Spot on grannytomine - interesting how a lot of the actual grandparents are speaking sense and it is younger people criticising the "mothers of today" for engaging their brains and not putting their own needs and wishes last...

I am not sure that the act of giving birth absolves a woman of moral responsibility to behave like a decent human being.

Just as the act of having given birth 25/35/40 years ago does not absolve you of the same moral responsibility if your progeny goes on to become a parent Solong

I am 41 and my mother had 2 weeks in hospital and it was a straightforward easy birth. DH 2 years younger his mother the same.

I am not sure that the act of giving birth absolves a woman of moral responsibility to behave like a decent human being.

Any decent human being who is around her during that fragile period will behave with sensitivity and discretion. If not, they can go home and wait.

tiny things in the grand scale of someone's entire life - does it really matter?

It matters of the GP are full on and demanding. These little snipes add up to a huge problem for many woman. My own PIL visited within days and wouldn't leave - expected to be waited on hand and foot and huffed if I said they are welcome to make their own cuppa.

I agree. It does matter. It's the small events of each day that make up life; they're what we react to and particularly for a new mum - those early days can be spoilt so easily and are never going to be repeated.

I was having an interesting conversation with my partner about this thread. His job involved working with family issues - including adoption - in the courts, with a lot of liaison with other professionals (doctors, psychologists etc.)

There is a significant body of opinion which would say that attachment to the mother is something that kicks in at around 9 months in terms of infant development.

This isn't to say that all sorts of earlier experiences - feeding, a warm nurturing environment, having basic needs meat - aren't really important.

But you could free an 8 month old baby for adoption and - as long as it's had some sort of appropriate care in those 8 months - it will settle fine with its adoptive parents.

Whereas a 12 month old baby would know that there had been disruption, and not adapt as easily.

Which short of implies that the deification of the early weeks is perhaps more about the mother's emotional/psychological needs than those of the baby. If the baby is fed and changed and gets to sleep and is attended to when it cries, it's going to be fine whoever is doing whatever needs to be done.

I agree with this Solong.
I have no doubts whatsoever that all this fuss is very much about the mother and not the baby.
It looks to me anyway as if it's the mother's way of stamping her ownership on the baby and her new family and showing everyone - in some cases even her partner - that she holds all the cards.
It's not a pleasant thing to see, to be honest