Two sets of in-laws and newborn

[user1466488499]

Hello, please be gentle with me, first timer here! We're expecting our first child next month, I'm excited, nervous, looking forward to it and also scared.

DHs parents are divorced, both re-married, with no other children so hubby is an only child and our child will be the first grandchild. This is where the issue starts with both sets of in-laws. They're mid-70s, have to be the centre of attention, don't help around the house and expect to be waited upon and taken out for meals. Luckily they live about 300 miles away so don't see them too often.

I made it clear to DH ages ago that I wanted our first 2 weeks out of hospital when he's on paternity leave to be just the three of us to help us bond as a family unit and get to know our child. I want to make sure I'm breastfeeding correctly and know I may well be sore and tired after giving birth.

Now FIL and wife have announced they're not happy about waiting to see their grandchild - problem is that because they live so far away, they'll want to stay for at least a couple of nights and they won't help out whatsoever. DH will spend his time running around after them rather than bonding with his child. As they have no experience with babies, I'll have to keep a close eye on them as well as trying to recover from the birth. I don't want my baby handed around like a plaything to entertain them. I have explained to them how newborns are very sensitive and could they wait a while before visiting but they've spent the weekend moaning to my husband who is now taking their side and says I am being unreasonable. The tiger mum inside me wants to protect and care for my little one and keep him close, not handed around to lazy in laws who won't do anything to help out. The only person I would appreciate around in the early days is my mum who will cook, clean, go to tesco etc. and be invaluable. DH says that if his parents aren't allowed to visit straightaway then neither should my parents - not getting the point that his lot are lazy and expect to be waited upon and stay for days whereas my folks will stay for an afternoon or one day and be brilliant.

Help, maybe I am being very selfish but I don't want my new baby handed around like a bag of sweets to lazy in laws who know nothing about babies and who won't help us....aargh! This is a recipe for disaster when i consider how raging hormones will be and sleep deprived after the birth....

Yes just go NC with the whole lot of them and be done with it. DH and I lived 400 miles away from all GPs. I would have appreciated some family there.

I have explained to them how newborns are very sensitive Goodness me what a load of rubbish.

Sorry Nancy, BertandRussell and Rainbow, can you just please give your advice without all these "precious mothers today" type comments?
Is your advice that OP should have in laws to visit but only for an hour or two and have them stay nearby? Because if it is, that's what everyone else is also saying.

I love this thread because it's one of the few where Bertrand agree completely.

Same derxa!
As far as I'm aware, I'm entitled to an opinion.
I have already stated way back that I've had two babies that both came with differing problems.
I just got on with life! So yes, I do feel some people who have 'normal' situations are being precious!
That's my opinion!
I also said earlier that each to their own. Jeez some people

It must be heartbreaking to be banned from visiting your grandchild for 2 weeks.

I understand not wanting long visit for sure but think a 2 week ban altogether is harsh.
I was happy for people to come and visit because I liked the fact there were people to love my babies, I felt like I'd been hit by a bus but would never have imposed such a long time to wait for their first visit.

Oddity,

To clarify.

Yes, I agree that Op should not have people staying with her if they are going to hinder rather than help in the early days.
Yes, I think short visits are fine and other factors aside a positive thing from e.g. and especially GPs.

I realise this was not a unique opinion. .
If I haven't in pps conveyed that there will be situations outside this then I am wasting my time now in saying it again.

I apologise if my tone was off. However, in truth, my own experience is that the 2 week , 1 month, whatever, "lockdown" is not something I experienced either myself or with any of my friends . But a long time ago . The truth - gut feel - it doesn't feel right to me unless necessary. I may be wrong.

I apologise to Hope because I think I was a bit flippant given her subsequent explanation.

By parents for parents - we all live and learn. That's not sarky btw.
I am hoping to be a MIL one day - that's how hopeless my life is .

(JOKE)

Ha ha "derxa - it's the opposite for me; I usually agree with BertrandRussell* but this time I'm in the opposite camp. Feels a bit weird.

Standing by my point of view, but lots of respect to those who see it differently!

• derxa darn it - bold fail...

Adjustable Bertrand is secretly very traditional. I love her.

This thread brings back memories of my in laws after dd2 was born.

Arrived to stay as houseguests the day I got out of hospital. Dd small and 5 weeks early and not feeding properly. Was very tough. Mil totally unsympathetic did her tinkly laugh and would say "she will be fine" in dismissive way.

Turned up with no food! Munched through all the food my mum had made for us. Dd so early I hadn't been able to prep.

Didn't cook despite mil being great cook. On first night I said I wasn't going to. Dh suggested a take away. Fil whined "but I don't like curry". Like anyone gave two shits about his food preferences!

Most galling mil got 2 weeks in bed after having her Dc yet I was expected to host them business as usual on day 5

No problem Nancy

As they have no experience with babies, I'll have to keep a close eye on them

His parents have no experience of babies? Did he drop from a stork fully grown then?

"It must be heartbreaking to be banned from visiting your grandchild for 2 weeks."

I think it's also heartbreaking to have nightmarish inlaws.

I don't think anyone on this thread is suggesting that lovely, supportive people would be kept away. Which means that the same social laws apply to this situation as to any other: be nice, supportive and caring, and people will want to see you. I guarantee, you'll be first in line. Be a vicious nightmare and expect to be kept at arm's length.

Oh dear.....
I'm a MIL, recently my DDIL had dgc2. I made very sure that I fitted in with their wishes and everything went well.
I don't understand Gps demanding that they see the new baby asap, I was there to look after dc1, and do whatever I could to be useful (and to make sure I made myself scarce so they had time to themselves).
I also don't understand why the op's ILs don't understand this too.
My MIL couldn't have been less interested in her gcs sadly despite living very near.

If the PiL are willing to help out (cook, clean, etc) as much as the parents will, then yes they should have equal visiting rights. Otherwise, no!

Priority after birth is given to those that are going to help out, not interfere and make snide/stupid remarks about breastfeeding etc.

My inlaws came, they bought food with them to be fair, but left dirty dishes in the sink, and didn't even offer to help with anything. They then came again after a few days and spent the whole day prattling around, this time with no food. I hadn't slept at night for 4 nights because baby was awake all night and very unsettled. I'm also very light sleeper which meant I didn't get any sleep when they were around. It was horrible because I also had mastitis too.

The problem really is not the in-laws; it's the husband, who doesn't have the relationship nor the understanding or decency to put his foot down and say no, no guests until my wife is fully recovered, or if you do want to come you'll have to whisper as my wife hasn't slept in 4 days, or please bring some food with you as we are exhausted etc.

I think next time round i would leave dishes and chores for them to do, so they don't keep coming just to coo over the baby, whilst seriously disturbing me. They didn't even take any hints. And then complained when their daughter's inlaws wanted to visit after 5 days of her birth, incidentally she had spent those 5 days with them, with full time help from them and care.

As an aside it is perfectly possible the DH's parents have no experience with babies if he was adopted as a toddler... though presumably the OP would have mentioned that to explain why they had a son but no experience with babies.

There actually are posters saying that the OP should "suck up" having inconsiderate house guests in the first few days after getting home from hospital ( *2nds said it yesterday at 18:11 for example) and IMO that is massively unreasonable for all the reasons already outlined.

However most posters are saying basically the same thing: short daytime visits are a reasonable expectation but no to inconsiderate house guests who expect to be hosted and stay in a hotel if you live far away and want to visit in the first few weeks. The OP summed that up early in the thread then stopped posting.

What people are arguing about now is the tone of the posts and the attitude to women in the immediate post partum period (is it right for a woman who has just been through child birth to consider her own needs, or should she consider others first? Should women in the post partum few weeks grit their teeth and and bare everything in silence and priorities guests and the needs of others, because women must not give the impression they are Wilting violets" who are unable to get back to normal immediately after evicting a human being from their body, possibly surgically or instrumentally, possibly having suffered 3rd or 4th degree tearing, possibly leaving their body in a right old mess temporarily... but they should hide this and carry on as normal so as not to appear lazy or give the impression they want to be cossetted even if they are in pain and significant discomfort and must force themselves to hand over their newborn as much as possible because to need to be in contact with the baby would imply that they are "in thrall to their hormones" and women must be strong and overrule biological processes going on in their body after childbirth, because to be too female is to be weak...)

I do take issue with all the "well we are talking about normal circumstances" protestations, given that only about half of births are going to be "normal" in terms of the mother being physically relatively unscathed. When PND is added into the equation it will be the minority who are totally unscathed by giving birth, not the other way around. That is before difficult grandparent personalities are even considered...

What difference does it make to grandparents and other relatives/friends if they just wait a few days/weeks until the mother has recovered?!!

Good post schwab
The pnd aspect of all this is really important. It's very easy for this to be triggered by negative experiences around the birth. I had straightforward deliveries, lots of help at home and parents/ILs who were never unkind or critical about my parenting. I was very lucky in that sense. But I did have a hv who made me feel really uncomfortable - her style of questioning made me feel like I was being interrogated, there was no finesse, just open judging. I went from feeling happy and confident to feeling very uncomfortable. I think I was affected so much because new mums do feel vulnerable. In retrospect I can put that visit into perspective and see that she meant well but her delivery and people skills were a bit lacking. But at the time I was really upset by her. Now that was bad enough coming from a temp visitor but I can imagine the impact on a mum's wellbeing if she is surrounded by family who are ever present and unsupportive, with a husband who doesn't quite have her back because he is prioritising his parent's desires over his wife's needs and doesn't want to get how she feels.

At the end of the day, the baby is the most vulnerable person in the equation and will be happy if mum is relaxed and gets stronger quickly. Given how fragile new mums often feel, that's not always an easy thing to achieve and should be prioritised by everyone.

To clarify - MIL is great, considerate, helpful and knows what it's like to raise a child. She couldn't be more supportive. Issue is with FIL and his wife who are the opposite - family politics not helped by the fact that FIL ran off with MILs best friend 30 years ago....lady who is now his wife. And she was also my hubby's god mother....FIL and wife have never had children and that sense of entitlement about grandchild is what gets me without any thought or concern as to how I will be. MIL warned me about their selfishness - poor DH has been stuck between these parents for the past 30 years and doesn't stand up to his dad.

Pnd shouldn't stop family from seeing their own grandchild sorry.

She's not gad the baby yet but in typical mumsnet fashion her DH isn't allowed a say and if he doesn't get a say now her decisions will over rule his for years to come. They are in their seventies but they've automatically been labelled as lazy by her and that has come across as quite ageist and bitchy. Yes she's hormonal blah blah but that's surely not hormones making her so pathetically ageist.

It sounds like her DH wants to be closer to his parents, nothing wrong with that but for some bizarre reason she's cutting them off before she's had this baby and that's not fair on him. I'll bet she would happily hand the child to her own parents,siblings etc.

This whole I need weeks alone with my baby bollocks is a bit OTT.

All I can say is that the best thing you can do is persuade your DH to make arrangements once the baby has arrived. If your FIL is the type to have lots on generally they will be irritated as it isn't a definite date in the diary. That can be turned into a definite date about 4 weeks from your due date to be on the safe side. Worst case, it's still within the two week window. If they've got nothing better to do than hang about all summer waiting for your call [like you will be doing for the birth] then fine, but at least everyone can make sure that you and the baby are in one piece and adjusting well.

In my experience, husbands and partners tend to get a wake up call too as to how hard it is to function on so little sleep. DH had all kinds of grand plans that were shelved within 24 hours of our exit from hospital At the time I just kept schtum while thinking over my dead body and wouldn't you know it, DD screamed her little head off for most of the night on her first night home.

2nds have ypu actually read the OP's posts? It is not ageist to object to guests who expect to be hosted and taken out for meals. If we are accusing people of ageism it is more ageist to assume that people in their 70s are helpless and need to be looked after than to be unwilling to host specific individuals in their 70s who will not make cups of tea and wash up. No disability has been mentioned and the couple are fit to travel - it is in that case lazy to expect not to lift a finger to help when visiting somebody who has only just had a baby.

Depending on your relationship with your parents, would say be prepared to feel differently once your baby is born. Because how you feel and what you want now, may change afterwards.
DD asked if it was ok to wait a few days before I or her PIL visited (both of us are 250+miles away), so they could bond etc. Dd asked if I thought she was being awful. I said it is totally up to her and dsil what they want and I completely understood.

When dgd arrived they both felt utterly overwhelmed and stressed out ( baby up all night) and asked if I'd come down next day. I said that's no problem. The thing is tho that I cooked, washed, cleaned and generally looked after the shellshocked parents. So I guess that's v different to someone wanting or needing to be treat like a guest. Anyhow be prepared to maybe change your mind even if it's just that you are desperate to show your baby off.