Two sets of in-laws and newborn

[user1466488499]

Hello, please be gentle with me, first timer here! We're expecting our first child next month, I'm excited, nervous, looking forward to it and also scared.

DHs parents are divorced, both re-married, with no other children so hubby is an only child and our child will be the first grandchild. This is where the issue starts with both sets of in-laws. They're mid-70s, have to be the centre of attention, don't help around the house and expect to be waited upon and taken out for meals. Luckily they live about 300 miles away so don't see them too often.

I made it clear to DH ages ago that I wanted our first 2 weeks out of hospital when he's on paternity leave to be just the three of us to help us bond as a family unit and get to know our child. I want to make sure I'm breastfeeding correctly and know I may well be sore and tired after giving birth.

Now FIL and wife have announced they're not happy about waiting to see their grandchild - problem is that because they live so far away, they'll want to stay for at least a couple of nights and they won't help out whatsoever. DH will spend his time running around after them rather than bonding with his child. As they have no experience with babies, I'll have to keep a close eye on them as well as trying to recover from the birth. I don't want my baby handed around like a plaything to entertain them. I have explained to them how newborns are very sensitive and could they wait a while before visiting but they've spent the weekend moaning to my husband who is now taking their side and says I am being unreasonable. The tiger mum inside me wants to protect and care for my little one and keep him close, not handed around to lazy in laws who won't do anything to help out. The only person I would appreciate around in the early days is my mum who will cook, clean, go to tesco etc. and be invaluable. DH says that if his parents aren't allowed to visit straightaway then neither should my parents - not getting the point that his lot are lazy and expect to be waited upon and stay for days whereas my folks will stay for an afternoon or one day and be brilliant.

Help, maybe I am being very selfish but I don't want my new baby handed around like a bag of sweets to lazy in laws who know nothing about babies and who won't help us....aargh! This is a recipe for disaster when i consider how raging hormones will be and sleep deprived after the birth....

All this "rights" and "access" stuff.

It does rather shed a bit of light on some of the mil threads on here- some of which are frankly baffling.

"Please can I come and meet my new grandchild- it's been two weeks now"
"You have no rights- you can have access when I say"

Later "AIBU- my mil demanded that she visit to meet my new baby and she called him "mine""
Mumsnet "she's obviously toxic and wants to pretend he's her baby. She's had her chance- you need to establish boundaries- or even go NC"

Meeting the baby is one thing, expecting to share a bathroom and cramped living space with someone who's just undergone a major change in their body/possibly even major surgery and expect hotel service from the hosts is another thing entirely.

Tattie, I'm assuming the person giving birth was happy to have you there, no? That is very different to insisting that you're there.If she hadn't been happy, would you have turned up anyway

It was pre-arranged that I'd be at the birth of all 6 of my grandchildren. Firstly with my daughter and her 3, then my middle sons first child, and latterly my eldests sons two children. And I know that when my youngest girl starts her family I'll be with her as well.

Would I have turned up anyway? No, I wouldn't have. But neither would anyone have laid down the law to a loved one and said - don't come near the hospital.

It just wouldn't have happened. A pregnancy would never turn into a family brawl or point scoring exercise because no-one here really feels the need to be flexing their muscles.

That's all lovely Tattie but it's a very different situation to the one being discussed.

Simple solution to a lot of this is to not actually tell anyone you've gone into labour.... That's my plan OP, if you're still reading.....

26 % of deliveries in the UK are by c-section and 12.9 % of deliveries are instrumental, so a good 40% of births are not straightforward - plenty more women who give birth spontaneously and unassisted suffer bad tearing and other birth related injuries.

To pretend that most women have straight forward births and are totally fine immediately afterwards is very misleading indeed - to write as if those who do not are a tiny minority who can be discounted, and mostly the post partum mothers who do not immediately get "back to normal" are being "special snowflakes" milking the attention for a chance to be cosseted and wear pyjamas all day (by some twisted logic not wanting to be surrounded by guests is attention seeking) is disingenuous.

There is no middle ground on these sort of topics

Well said. Its just so bloody disheartening and not just on this thread. Even the Free Holiday to Disney one is full of people venting their spleen when explaining why a Disney Holiday is their idea of hell. Why can't people just say its not their cup of tea instead of talking about cutting their toes off rather than go. Or was it pulling their toenails out? Actually maybe it was both.

There is just so much anger.

That's all lovely Tattie but it's a very different situation to the one being discussed

There is way more than one subject being discussed here.

But Who on this thread has said that Op should have her ILs to stay in her house and wait on them hand and foot?

I am saying that there is no reason why people should not visit a father and his newborn and the mother needs to have no involvement with the visit at all if she doesn't want to.

Most women don't want to be apart from their newborns and would not feel at all relaxed being in a different room away from their tiny baby. Whilst women are not entirely in thrall to their hormones, it would be wrong to say they have no impact on how women feel when they have just given birth.

I also know, if my ils were anything to go by, that having a little cuddle and then handing the baby back to mum doesn't always happen. I had to prise mine out of mil's arms after 6 hours ( when I took him to feed, she followed me!)

"Most women don't want to be apart from their newborns and would not feel at all relaxed being in a different room away from their tiny baby"

A woman who wouldn't trust the father of her child to look after it has bigger problems than in laws visiting.

"Most women don't want to be apart from their newborns and would not feel at all relaxed being in a different room away from their tiny baby

If we're going to be generalising I think its safe to say most women would be ok with their baby being taken downstair or through to the sitting room by dad or granny to been seen by family or friends if mum herself didn't feel up to doing it.

Hope - it took you 6 hours to prise your newborn from Grandma? Is she an all in wrestler ? - . Look I've said some families have things which mean the dynamics mean different decisions need to be taken. Maybe one of those is yours - but 6 hrs?

I don't agree. If you've just given birth you might well not want the baby out of your sight. It should be the mother's choice.

I woudl have been happy to be present whilst my daughter gave birth, visit immediately after, visit in the next few days or wait 2 or 3 weeks because it's her baby and it's her decision. If I had never been allowed to see it that would have been very sad.

The main thing is to ask the mother and fit around what she wants as we all differ. That doesn't mean you're wrong to want people there immediately or not want them - it's just people and families and their family ethos and views on these things differ.In some cultures in the UK you have to live with your mother in law who rules the roost and is in charge of the home which comes with its own difficulties. She may well have arranged your marriage too. Thankfully most of us aren't in that kind of culture.

"Most women don't want to be apart from their newborns and would not feel at all relaxed being in a different room away from their tiny baby"

I can remember the absolute bliss of
a) the shower and having my hair washed after giving birth. (Spouse with baby in another room.)
b) first solo trip to the local shop after coming home from hospital. (Spouse and stepchildren with baby.
c) the un-Christening party we held where I don't think I saw my baby daughter for a couple of hours. She was being passed round like a parcel and generally adored by wider family and friends.

I think you need to relax and recharge and have bits of time off-duty - precisely because small babies are so full on. I'd suggest that those who can't let close family in to help, are likely to get burned out pretty damn quick. Which isn't necessarily going to be good for the baby.

How can someone who has yet to have her first baby talk all about what having a newborn is like and assume that these people in their 70s have never so much as touched a baby before (yet they had your DH and he's alive to tell the tale)?

You've obviously no clue about older people either, they are in their 70s, they aren't exactly 19 and full of beans. To label four pensioners as lazy just doesn't cut it.

If you were living in a one bed or two bed flat I'd say get them a hotel, but if you've got spare rooms what difference will having HIS FAMILY over for a few days actually make?

When your baby grows up and his their own kids would you want their wife or husband to say the same thing about you and not want you touching your own grandchild?

Suck it up for a day or two, one day he won't have his parents at all and he might just wonder why he didn't take the opportunity to allow his own parents hold his own baby.

Letty - ultimately - it has to be the mother's actually, IMHO the parents's choice, but wouldn't you feel sad if your daughter had said she didn't want you there for a week or two. I get your ethos amongst families thing, but I would feel sad if that were our family dynamic.

Marianne - there have been times where DS was a bit "pass the parcel". Thus far the bonding seems OK. (But he's only 20, as , was it Enlai , Chou?, Zhou ? Enlai, said - it's too soon to tell - I know I could google. )

Mind you, I also think that babies are toys/dollies and as long as they are happy I think it's good for them to be passed round and loved by as many people as possible. So I am obviously a lost cause!

Only read half the thread, got to page 6! So my experience - With DD I had DMIL staying as she lives 2 hrs away, I didn't know she was coming, I just discovered both grannies were over excited and arrived - but she was helpful and as a HV she was able to help me with Breast feeding and more importantly I didn't mind her being there for us. If it was FIL and step MIL, then no i wouldn't be happy with the fact I had visitors, I was in constant pain from the enormous Forceps that had been shoved up me with no anaesthetic, I couldn't BF and did have my norks out (crying), nipple shields etc and had mat care assistant coming everyday to help. Then with DS he was out V quickly but then there were complications and I had to stay in for 3 days and had to keep going back to hospital wirh baby and toddler.
I think my point is, you can't plan what will happen, just smile and say we'll let you know after the birth when you'll be ready for visitors.
I personally would invite them up for a few days after coming out of hospital because my newborns just slept all of the time for the few weeks and my DH was on paternity leave.
But practice saying no it's my turn for a cuddle, can you put the kettle on, can you help with xxx or whatever it is that makes you a bit annoyed. It doesn't mean you're a special snowflake if you ask for help- it's a FACT that everyone's birth experience is different as well as ability to deal with pain, stitches , surgery, emergencies, blood loss, sleep deprivation, inability to sit down etc
Don't feel uncomfortable in your own home, just delay any decisions until you can make the right one
Sorry if I needed to read further

Nancy seriously yes 6 hours. My mil was fundamentally a nice woman, who was excited but she and my fil were, if I'm honest a bit selfish and were quite comfortable with quietly bulldozing me a bit in the early days. I was a young mum who wasn't good at asserting myself then. Like I said, they ignored hints (like me going upstairs to feed the baby) and would do things like turn up at my house without warning and stay all day. They didn't ask if I had plans or if I wanted company. Because that's what they wanted to do.
There was, I think, some history - mil's ILs had taken over when her child was born and I think there was an element of getting back that time with my dc.

I never stopped them visiting but I did learn to put myself first and insist they phone before visiting. We ended up having some very awkward conversations about giving me personal space that I don't think the relationship ever really recovered from and could have been avoided if only they had backed off a liitle bit initially.

Ha Ha Bertrand - One person's lost cause is another person's validation of their - "if they love them and they are cuddling and cooing for a short while , it's ok" method of getting through the early stages .

Ah, OK Hope. Didn't mean to be unkindly sarcastic.

Has anyone on this thread actually said that the OP should be expected to have relatives stay at hers???
I think most of us nay sayers are just stating that in our opinion we think it's a bit precious to want to hide away with your baby 'until you're ready to share'!

It didn't personally occur to me to feel the need to lock myself away with my baby 'bonding'.
It felt natural to want to share the joy.

I think a pp said something about the difference between people who like being in the spotlight to those who don't. For what it's worth, I'm not a limelight hugger but I still loved showing my baby off to anyone who was interested enough!