Two sets of in-laws and newborn

[user1466488499]

Hello, please be gentle with me, first timer here! We're expecting our first child next month, I'm excited, nervous, looking forward to it and also scared.

DHs parents are divorced, both re-married, with no other children so hubby is an only child and our child will be the first grandchild. This is where the issue starts with both sets of in-laws. They're mid-70s, have to be the centre of attention, don't help around the house and expect to be waited upon and taken out for meals. Luckily they live about 300 miles away so don't see them too often.

I made it clear to DH ages ago that I wanted our first 2 weeks out of hospital when he's on paternity leave to be just the three of us to help us bond as a family unit and get to know our child. I want to make sure I'm breastfeeding correctly and know I may well be sore and tired after giving birth.

Now FIL and wife have announced they're not happy about waiting to see their grandchild - problem is that because they live so far away, they'll want to stay for at least a couple of nights and they won't help out whatsoever. DH will spend his time running around after them rather than bonding with his child. As they have no experience with babies, I'll have to keep a close eye on them as well as trying to recover from the birth. I don't want my baby handed around like a plaything to entertain them. I have explained to them how newborns are very sensitive and could they wait a while before visiting but they've spent the weekend moaning to my husband who is now taking their side and says I am being unreasonable. The tiger mum inside me wants to protect and care for my little one and keep him close, not handed around to lazy in laws who won't do anything to help out. The only person I would appreciate around in the early days is my mum who will cook, clean, go to tesco etc. and be invaluable. DH says that if his parents aren't allowed to visit straightaway then neither should my parents - not getting the point that his lot are lazy and expect to be waited upon and stay for days whereas my folks will stay for an afternoon or one day and be brilliant.

Help, maybe I am being very selfish but I don't want my new baby handed around like a bag of sweets to lazy in laws who know nothing about babies and who won't help us....aargh! This is a recipe for disaster when i consider how raging hormones will be and sleep deprived after the birth....

Surely you can't take a newborn away from its mother for any length of time though. Even an hour would have had mine wailing profusely. They managed about 5mins of being held by someone else until wailing for me. Even DP couldn't soothe DD until she was around 3m. Both were tongue tied and fed excessively which may have had something to do with it. But if you're aware of the 4th trimester you know it's entirely normal for a newborn to not want to leave its mother.

Insisting that it's ok for a father to take the baby away from mum to meet the grandparents (unless it's literally a 10min show and pic) is totally bizarre to me. I don't know any new mums who would happily wave off their day/week/month old baby to spend time with other people without the mother. Even once you're out and about doing normal day to day stuff a lot of mothers don't spend time away from their babies until they are considerably older.

Tbh I would have been devastated not to have my mum meet my newborn immediately.

I was happy to have oh's parents there the day after too but they felt they couldn't. Which was a massive shame IMO.

"This isn't a matter of equal opportunities for both sexes. It is about recognising that someone who has just given birth can have complex emotional and physical needs that outweigh the social desires of that person's partner."

And who said nay.

But And I am going to shorten to ECA - if there are two parents then a bit of coordination could just possibly work something out for a short visit (NOT saying a protracted overnight or longer stay) .

No, I wasn't selfish and petty when I had my children. In fact the grandparents hundreds of miles away who worked did not ask to come right away because they know we are the kind of family where people like their own space and they always asked before coming so I wasn't selfish or petty at all.

Iti s interesting that you get gulfs over these things. When my father was very ill his lovely local carers could not understand how we could all have left home at 18 and moved hundreds of miles to university and that our parents loved that and wanted it and we were happy with it and still close to them with lots of calls, letters etc. Yet the local carers though wow these children must be heartless because they don't live 5 minutes away from their father. Itw as not that either of us was wrong - just that different culturse in the UK and different families have different ways of being.

So I would always say a new mother's views should prevail althougb if that means she expects her mother to give up her job to move in and care for the baby though that would be too much the other way. I am here for my new grandchild whenever I might be needed. I will be in their life as much as is wanted (we are going away for 2 weeks soon all together which will be lovely).

Also it's a quiet/ v not quiet person thing. I love silence and being alone. I remember so fondly all those silent alone hours of breastfeeding new baby (or babies with the twins). They are some of the msot special moments of my life. For other sociable people their happiest times will be with loads of friends all around with them chatting and laughing. Different strokes for different folks.

Most people will consider their husband's preferences of course but it is certainly something to consider before you give birth in discussions.

I always found breastfeeding something I did best (at least at first) when I am silent and alone like an orgasm or doing a poo.

It's just as silly. It's utterly, immeasurably, silly.

Why is it different?

Why can't they wait if requested to? What will happen exactly if they don't get to see the child immediately? What?

And would you/did you have the inlaws at your labour? Can't see why that is any different.

Some people love being the center of attention and being surrounded by people. I and many others do not - particularly when feeling vulnerable, tired, ill or in pain. Some women feel great after giving birth, some do not.

It is the opposite of attention seeking, it really is.

Just out of curiosity, how soon after the baby is born should it be presented to the grandparents? Serious question here.

We did things our way and told everyone that was what we were doing.
nobody came near until it fit in with our plans, it's the only way.
The most important people in a baby's life are it's parents, gp's and other extended family can wait a few weeks.

Surely it depends on your relationship with your parents, pandora. My mum for eg was present at DS's birth at my request so she saw him about half an hour after he came out (EMCS).

I would have been happy for dps parents to come visit the next day (or same day but it was late so probably not practical).

I personally think assuming no toxic or horrible parents they should meet their grandchild as soon as possible, even if only for an hour.

Er Pandora - I think there is world of difference between GPs being there during labour and visits afterwards. Just not the same debate. You don't really think that do you ?

All the - "I am magnanimous and wonderful and welcomed guests as soon as I'd stopped contracting because I know I am not special damn it" and the "go to your room if you had a difficult labour/ are recovering g from a cesarean/ are struggling to establish breast feeding (but don't take the baby because it isn't yours obviously) posts are ignoring the fact OP is about house guests staying several nights not a brief visit for a couple of hours.

I always found breastfeeding something I did best (at least at first) when I am silent and alone like an orgasm...

Well, clearly this thread demonstrates the variety of human experience. I prefer my orgasms loud and in company (not too much company...)

Oh I agree Maybe. The relationship is very important but even that doesn't trump the wishes if the new mother.

I love my parents to bits but I wouldn't want them there immediately. I've spent half of this pregnancy being given 'advice' that wasn't always welcome. Would want to spend some time with my child and other half first.

Our baby our rules
Is that not the most Mumsnet-y and precious thing I have ever heard?

If there are people staying in your house for several days there is no way of "not getting involved unless you want to" unless you live in a sprawling mansion and can keep to the west Wing

Back in the real world most of us would be sharing one bathroom with the visitors and have to make ourselves presentable to stumble to the kitchen or bathroom. House guests take over your evenings too, when babies tend to cluster feed.

An inconsiderate house guest in the early weeks is an absolutely massive imposition in a smallish house...

And would you/did you have the inlaws at your labour

Yes, I was at the birth of all 6 of my grandchildren. In fact at the last one 3 weeks ago it was me and my DIL's mum. She'd missed it all first time round due to living an 8 hour flight from where we all live but this time she managed to get time off and I was determined it was going to be one of the best days of their life. I was there because my DIL's mum only speaks Romanian and she was feeling out of her depth in very foreign surroundings. It was beautiful seeing her looking after her daughter and seeing my DIL being her mums girl. My son, when he arrived from a flight, also took a step back from it and was happy to see his wife and her mum together. Then it was off to theatre, then when the baby came back about 20 minutes later my daughters had arrived at the hospital and they went off with MIL who took our new grandchild for her checks etc. My son was in recovery with his wife. It was a lovely day. Just beautiful.

"Our baby our rules
Is that not the most Mumsnet-y and precious thing I have ever heard?"

No. That signal honour is reserved for "my little family"

I felt this way OP before DS was born. As it turned out post birth I felt the exact opposite not because I felt fine and wanted to show DS off but because I was overwhelmed and panicking and seeing other people helped me still feel connected to the world. I wouldn't lay any rules now but just say that you will let people know about visiting once baby is here :)

Having read most of this thread, it doesn't seem surprising that so many relationships break down after babies are born. I was just thinking exactly the same thing.

Tattie that's nice if it works for you and your DL but it would be a lot of people's idea of hell. Labour as a social event is a niche pass time, though it seems to be typical American sitcom fodder.

Labour as a social event is a niche pass time, though it seems to be typical American sitcom fodder

There we go again with the an extreme reaction. Niche pass time?

How about partners having jobs that mean being at the hospital for the birth is probably not going to happen so other arrangements are put in place instead.

Exactly - it's up to the new mother. If she wants the GPs there during labour or shortly after, that's lovely. However, you cannot impose if she doesn't, unless you want to look completely inconsiderate.

Simply being a grandparent does not confer any rights. None.

Tattie, I'm assuming the person giving birth was happy to have you there, no?

That is very different to insisting that you're there.

If she hadn't been happy, would you have turned up anyway? I

Simply being a grandparent does not confer any rights. None

That is just so ugly.

The OP can't hide in her room for two days and nights (at least) while DH shows the baby off to its grandparents in the living room. For one thing, the baby would starve. The OP probably doesn't want to eat in her room, and she may not have a bathroom there to use.

If the in-laws were visiting for a couple of hours, or even staying in a hotel and visiting for a couple of hours a day, then it might be reasonable to say leave them all in the living room and go to your bed for a rest. But that's not the problem here. The issue here is that the ILs have a demanded to stay at the house for several days. The ILs expect to be waited on by OP while they are there. The ILs drink heavily during- the day- and quite frankly I wouldn't be handing my baby over to a heavy drinker for even a minute.

Our baby our rules is not remotely Mumsnetty - its more Net Mums.

Its not actually your baby is the rallying call on MN if a new or newish mother doesn't self flagellate before the grandparents.

There is a cult of the grandparent (grandmother mainly) on MN, though its many proponents are reminiscent of supporters of establishment Christianity in claiming to be persecuted, downtrodden and misunderstood whilst actually maintaining sharp elbowed and vocal dominance.

Unless the grandparent is "toxic" in which place you must "go no contact".

There is no middle ground on these sort of topics. If you don't wish to go so far as to slap the toxic label on your parents or in laws and cut them out completely you must bend over backwards to accommodate them no matter how selfish and inconsiderate they are and how difficult a position it puts you in, if you are the mother of the child age children you come last, they outrank you. The baby is not yours, people don't own babies - but a few posts further on it will be established that in fact the baby belongs to its grandparents, your job is simply to police access to ensure your own parents are not favoured, and stand in loco-granparentis when they have other things to do.

My in laws came to the hospital the day DC2 and 3 were born - but not til the afternoon (both were born early in the morning). Neighbors and friends dropped around while I was still in hospital with DC2 and 3 (but not DC1 on the NHS as I was in a shitty state and once I could just about stand up they kicked me out and home) and at home.

We have an open house, we have neighbor kids in and out all day, very much part of the community, not "my little family" at all.

But hosting inconsiderate house guests who are there 24 hours a day for several days in your space, on your sofa when you want to watch a box set and breast feed your non stop feeding baby somewhere other than shut in your room, in your bathroom when you need to clean off the blood and milk, in the kitchen when you finally manage the stairs, holding the baby all day and rocking it back to sleep when it wakes, so you know it will stay up all night feeding to compensate, sulking and acting hurt because they are "only" there for 3 days/ 3 weeks or whatever and you have the baby to yourself after that, if you take the baby back, is a whole different thing.

It's true, doesn't matter if it's pretty or ugly.

When families all get on and everyone is helpful, it's lovely as it clearly is in your family Tattie. However, not all grandparents are nice people. Not everyone is nice or even pleasant to their adult children. Even then, a right to privacy would surely be respected. That is where this distinction becomes important.