Two sets of in-laws and newborn

[user1466488499]

Hello, please be gentle with me, first timer here! We're expecting our first child next month, I'm excited, nervous, looking forward to it and also scared.

DHs parents are divorced, both re-married, with no other children so hubby is an only child and our child will be the first grandchild. This is where the issue starts with both sets of in-laws. They're mid-70s, have to be the centre of attention, don't help around the house and expect to be waited upon and taken out for meals. Luckily they live about 300 miles away so don't see them too often.

I made it clear to DH ages ago that I wanted our first 2 weeks out of hospital when he's on paternity leave to be just the three of us to help us bond as a family unit and get to know our child. I want to make sure I'm breastfeeding correctly and know I may well be sore and tired after giving birth.

Now FIL and wife have announced they're not happy about waiting to see their grandchild - problem is that because they live so far away, they'll want to stay for at least a couple of nights and they won't help out whatsoever. DH will spend his time running around after them rather than bonding with his child. As they have no experience with babies, I'll have to keep a close eye on them as well as trying to recover from the birth. I don't want my baby handed around like a plaything to entertain them. I have explained to them how newborns are very sensitive and could they wait a while before visiting but they've spent the weekend moaning to my husband who is now taking their side and says I am being unreasonable. The tiger mum inside me wants to protect and care for my little one and keep him close, not handed around to lazy in laws who won't do anything to help out. The only person I would appreciate around in the early days is my mum who will cook, clean, go to tesco etc. and be invaluable. DH says that if his parents aren't allowed to visit straightaway then neither should my parents - not getting the point that his lot are lazy and expect to be waited upon and stay for days whereas my folks will stay for an afternoon or one day and be brilliant.

Help, maybe I am being very selfish but I don't want my new baby handed around like a bag of sweets to lazy in laws who know nothing about babies and who won't help us....aargh! This is a recipe for disaster when i consider how raging hormones will be and sleep deprived after the birth....

cathf I too have never met anyone in rl that wants to hide away into some kind of bubble with their baby and not allow visitors. I honestly haven't. Then again, lots of things I read on MN seem totally alien to my life and of those around me. 'Tis very weird

It sure is.

So, wanting to hide for a couple of weeks is attention seeking?

Really?

I'd say that demanding to be allowed to visit immediately is the childish 'I am important' approach.

You know, after reading lots on MN about how everyone apparently wants to hide away for several weeks when they have a new baby, the last time a friend had a baby I sent a congratulatory text and nothing else.

And then a week late received a text from them saying "oi, when are you going to come around here and meet the baby then?"

It does seem to be a MN v Real World issue. I am in the midst of the baby years. While there are plenty of "don't expect us to be up to much" or "bringing lunch would be lovely" sort of messages, we have yet to come across anyone who hasn't want their close friends and family to meet their baby soon.

I'd say that demanding to be allowed to visit immediately is the childish 'I am important' approach."
What if they don't "demand" but just ask?

Letty Jane - Going back to work after three weeks is tough, but when you read back your post does it not occur to you how selfish and precious you sound?

Tattie - I reckon there's a few of us on Mumsnut who shake our heads at some of the posts!

It's going to be interesting when these very special mums become very special grandmothers!

That's fine - but they can't then sulk if the answer is "Yes, it would be lovely to see you on XX" (XX being a day in a few days time)

Also, just turning up is not on.

My dp was desperate for his parents to meet our dd- would it have been OK for me to forbid it?

Seriously how does LettyJane sound selfish? That is the most non sensical accusation I've read in a while she sounds like a brilliant and considerate mother of an adult and grandmother, paying forward the lovely way her mother treated her.

I can honestly say I would want to hide from my in laws if I were going to have a baby. When they visit, it is so stressful that DH has (on repeated occasions) vomited with the stress they induce. And no, it wasn't food poisoning- it happens repeatedly but only when they are here.

Every single thing they say is a criticism or a piece of advice that implies criticism. They demand to be waited on hand and foot the entire time, and they do not listen to a single word anyone says if it disagrees with what they want to hear. They arrive with an itinerary of national trust properties they want to visit even though DH and I hate the national trust, and they expect a cooked breakfast, full-scale picnic and a three-course meal every day. You have to be in their presence from first thing in the morning til last thing at night, and they talk incessantly at the top of their voices the entire time. They will even come and find you if they feel you are taking too long to go to the toilet.

None of this would change if we had a baby. The demands would be the same. The reason I know that is because it didn't change when GFIL had a stroke - he was bundled in the car, protesting against his will, sat in a cold draughty outdoor space while they went to visit a national trust house because he couldn't walk, subjected to the indignity of a public meal when he could barely coordinate himself and was nearly in tears with the shame of having his food cut up for him in public and then having a toilet accident (he was a very strong, old-fashioned, independent and proud kind of guy). He had always resisted seeing them for any length of time when he was well, but when he was too weak to be able to say 'no' to them with sufficient force, they took advantage to force him to be the family they wanted. It was one of the most cruel and inhumane things I've ever witnessed. He was clearly trying to resist them the whole time, and they were absolutely hell bent on ignoring him. When he went home again, he was ill for quite a while.

To those of you who have great families, I'm really happy for you. Great. You have decent inlaws. Not all of us do. So before you assume we're just selfish, horrible people please try to remember that.

Of course Bertrand, you are THE MOST IMPORTANT person and very, very special
You are very precious so your feelings must override everyone elses.
Have you not ready this thread???

You could've asked him to delay it for a week or so while you got your breath/dignity back if you had wanted to.

Very reasonable I think.

I kind of thought a little like you before PFB though not the whole two week private time thing...and I hate the whole concept of "family unit" being just you, DH and DC, largely because I have a huge extended family and love them all. So I knew I'd have loads of visitors immediately. But I was worried about baby being passed round too. So I kind of get you. However now DS is 12 weeks, here is what my experiences were:

1. when DS, DP and I were all alone together for the first time post birth I actually felt quite vulnerable and isolated. I much preferred having family and friends around us. I'm a massive introvert so this was completely unexpected.

2. As a sleepy newborn DS didn't give a stuff who held him - he just lay there quietly or slept assuming he wasn't hungry. He's actually a lot less happy to be held by other people now he's no longer a newborn - he just wants mummy. He's lots more sensitive now than he was.

3. bfeeding won't necessarily be difficult for you. It wasn't for me. DS latched on immediately and I had no pain after the first two days. He had a dummy by day 3 and a bottle of expressed milk by day 7 and neither interfered with breastfeeding. Don't assume the worse!

That's my two cents.

This is a bit of a tangent. But it might illustrate some of the problems of being completely focused on a new arrival.

My mother gave birth to my younger brother at home. Her labour pains started early in the evening - maybe around 6 or 7. She and my father decided the best thing was to get my older brother and me to bed before labour kicked in - without explaining anything. As it was a bright sunny evening and well over an hour before normal bedtime, we were quite resistant and also baffled by our parents insistence we should go to bed. They got very cross and there were harsh words and shouting.

The next morning there was a notice on the spare room announcing the birth of Baby Solong. I think we were allowed to go in and look at him and say hello to our mother. We were then dispatched to a neighbour, who had two children our age and told we'd be staying there overnight. I think we found the whole thing quite disturbing. I remember the next morning at the neighbours waking very early - because it was a strange place - and playing some game with the bedding about pretending to be a zoo animal. The mother I'd been foisted on was very far from pleased and threatened to hit me.

The whole experience was pretty horrid, and as a result I certainly failed to 'bond' with my younger brother.

I think this may be what shaped my own determination that I wanted my baby to be loved by the wider family. (I knew that I'd love my own baby instinctively/automatically and I did.)

Bertrand who's spinning now?

Nobody is forbidding their DH his dearest wish and nobody is forbidding grandparents to meet their grandchild.

The thread is about being expected to host house guests (of the sort who expect to be "hosted" and waited upon rather than be helpful and considerate) in the early newborn period.

Do the people who object to this, have their inlaws with them during labour? If not, why not? Ringside seats? Up-fanjo viewing periscope maybe?

And yes, when it comes to childbirth etc, the mother is the most special person other than the newborn. Seriously, did I just have to write that???

And Letty did not sound selfish at all.

Yanbu. With my first, luckily my pil went on holiday the day before I went into labour so we're the other side of the world for two weeks. Although they did expect my hubby to still pick them up from the airport at 3 am when they got back to bring them to our house to see our son . They too are the sort that expect to be waited on hand and foot when visiting and literally had to be wrestled to get the baby off them to feed or change! Unfortunately they were at our house for the recent birth of our daughter to look after our son whilst we were in hospital as my parents weren't available. I gave birth at midnight and we were home by 6 am. They got up to see the baby and then left me dh, toddler and baby so that they could go back to bed because they were tired and didn't resurface until 10am!! On the other hand my parents were so helpful both times getting us shopping in and making us some meals for the freezer. My mum would come and take all the laundry and wash and iron it for me for the first few weeks. I didn't ask her too and protested but she wanted to help! If they are going to come I think you should definitely suggest a hotel as they will hardly get any sleep with a newborn in the house . And order takeaway if you need to feed them. At least then you're not cooking and you get a break from them over night. I think grandparents in general can sometimes lose boundaries and forget that the baby is not their own child. Good luck.

"Do the people who object to this, have their inlaws with them during labour? If not, why not? Ringside seats? Up-fanjo viewing periscope maybe?" Oh don't be silly.

Solong equally nobody is pushing out older kids. Your experience was very badly handled but absolutely nothing to do with whether a new mother should be expected to host lazy and demanding adult house guests not normally resident in her home!!

Bertrand - of course what I said was silly - it was meant to be.

It's just as silly as grown adults being unable to wait a few days or even two weeks to meet their grandchild.

My ILs wanted to come to the hospital when I was in labour.

We didn't tell them. That would have been the last thing I wanted or needed.
Some people are just very challenging.

Sometimes even when the older generation have different assumptions, a bit of communication works wonders.

My parents hotel stay nearby would have been when my daughter was about 10 days old. My dad wanted to take us out for a meal. Spouse and I were faffing a bit about putting the newish carseat in the car and my father said, 'Oh are you bringing Baby Solong too?' (He had assumed we'd be getting a babysitter for his very small grand-daughter.)

I explained no this wouldn't be happening. She was too small to be left, and in any case you couldn't leave a breastfed baby until you'd established they could drink expressed milk from a bottle.

My father was worried that there would be a problem about breastfeeding a baby in a restaurant. I said no it would be fine, but made a point when booking the table in his hearing, of saying that as I'd be breastfeeding a corner table would be ideal.'

"just as silly as grown adults being unable to wait a few days or even two weeks to meet their grandchild."

No it's not. It's completely different. If the mother doesn't what to get involved in the baby meeting its grandparents she doesn't have to.

I just can't agree with this 'father's have rights too' stuff. Yes, ideally the father will get to show off his new son or daughter to his parents.

In situations that aren't ideal, where the mother of the new son or daughter wants a bit of time to recuperate, and where her ILs are demanding and difficult, the mother's wishes trump the father's.

This isn't a matter of equal opportunities for both sexes. It is about recognising that someone who has just given birth can have complex emotional and physical needs that outweigh the social desires of that person's partner.

Having read most of this thread, it doesn't seem surprising that so many relationships break down after babies are born.

So you take the baby and retire to bed to feed. Leaving dp to deal with any visitors
This is what i'll be doing at stages, I'll be having IL's to stay for about 3 nights c4 days after baby is born, they will be helping round the house and i've said they can keep any advice etc to themselves unless asked. Those are our rules for having people to stay so soon after the birth. My mum is visiting (for a few hours) around the same time and everyone is subject to the same rules.
Our baby our rules.