AIBU to be furious with my H for the way he totally overreacted to our DS (5) last night which then caused a minor injury to DS? WWYD?

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I'll start with a bit of background. I've been married to my husband for 12 years, and we have one child (son) who is nearly 6. We have a good life...could do with a lottery win but then who couldn't?

I'm not sure if this is relevant yet (I think it may be) but I'm an only child and my husband is the eldest of 3.

Our son is a normal, happy and loving 5 year old who is kind to others and well behaved at school but can also at times be disobedient. It isn't serious disobedience, it's challenging his boundaries at home which we've all done and is usually a refusal to do something like picking his clothes up off the floor or arguing that he doesn't like spaghetti bolognaise despite loving it and clearing his plate the last time he ate it. The usual 5-6 year old stuff.

However, when H and DS are together at home and I am not in the same room as them for whatever reason, they start arguing. When I walk back in the room I get 'he did this' followed by 'but he did this' from both of them. It is like having two kids to deal with. I expect it from DS but I don't expect the whinging from my 44 yr old husband. A few times its ended up with H storming out of the room acting like a petulant child and DS stomping up to his bedroom. It's tiresome but until now I've carried on being the referee, sorting it out and maintaining the peace (despite wondering how I ended up with two kids when I only ever wanted one). I don't know if this is linked to having two younger siblings who invariably would've been antagonised by him and vice versa, when they were younger. As I'm an only child I don't have sibling rivalry to compare it to but you would think listening to the two of them arguing etc, that they were brothers.

Last night however, it went a step too far. I left the bathroom to go downstairs and get DS a glass of water while he stayed upstairs with H to do his teeth. Before I'd even finished filling the glass of water in the kitchen I heard DS scream in pain. I ran upstairs to find him holding his head in agony and sobbing 'why did you do that daddy, why did you hurt me?' with H saying 'I didn't, this is what happened and...' blah blah blah. I got down on the floor to cuddle him and once the sobs weren't as desperate I was able to see the injury which was a big red bump above his eyebrow. I ran downstairs to get ice from the freezer to put on his head and came back upstairs to H still going on that it was DS's fault and that he wasn't going to apologise (DS is still sobbing quietly). From what I can gather, H had nagged DS to do something he was already doing (he would've seen this if he wasn't on his phone all the time) so DS picked up his toilet steps (he'd been standing on them to do his teeth) and bumped them against H's leg (both of them said it wasn't a hard bump, just an annoying and antagonistic one). He did this a further 3 times and on the 4th time, H retaliated and swung his arm really hard so that the steps swung up and hit DS just above his eyebrow. It was already turning into an egg by the time I'd run upstairs to see what the scream was about, and you could see the shape of the steps there as well. It was approximately the size of a 50p piece, possibly slightly bigger.

I know DS was wrong to be annoying H but if he had done the bumping of the steps on me (which he wouldn't have) I would've said stop on the first bump and removed them on the second. I would not have waited for bump number 4 to then retaliate in a completely inappropriate way. DS said H didn't tell him to stop because he was on his phone. H got in a grump because it apparently wasn't his fault and stormed off downstairs.

Once DS had gone to sleep I took a photo of the bump and then went down and had it out with H. I was absolutely furious with him for reacting like that and refusing to come up and say goodnight to DS (which upset him even more) and refusing to see what he had done was wrong. I asked him why the fuck he hadn't taken the steps off him before it got to that point and he said 'I couldn't, he was too strong' - my husband is 6'2" and 15st, our 5 year old is 3ft 10". DS is strong but my 73 year old arthritic mother would be able to overpower DS if needs be. It was an absolutely pathetic excuse and I told him so. He retaliated in a wholly unacceptable way to the irritation of a child being annoying. I asked him what he would say if DS is asked at school about the bump on his head which is entirely possible and probable and H said 'I'm not living my life wondering what social services would say'. I agree to an extent but he doesn't get that if DS says what he believes happens which isn't a lie, it's just what he thought happened, that daddy swung the steps to hit him in the face, he is extremely likely to be on the receiving end of SS, the school and worst case, the police. The teachers have a duty of care to report things like this, even if it wasn't true, because it's part of their safeguarding for children.

Anyway today H is giving me the silent treatment (which I'm glad about because I'm likely to snap again should he even dare try and excuse what he did again) he's refusing to apologise to DS despite DS going straight over to his dad when he got up this morning and saying sorry for his bad behaviour last night. H ignored that and asked had he had his breakfast yet (which he knew he hadn't as he'd just seen him come downstairs). My heart broke for DS when I heard that. DS knows he did wrong to bump his dad with the steps and has apologised but H is acting like a petulant child and can't see what he did was far far worse.

I have told DS what I think happened, that it was an accident and that his dad wouldn't do anything to deliberately hurt him but I have not told him not to say anything and I have not told him to say anything if you see what I mean, because if this is picked up, I will absolutely not back up my husband. I will not be seen as someone protecting my husband when I think what he did was wrong. I am half expecting a call from school to ask about the bump on his head (the swelling has gone down a bit this morning thanks to the ice packs I put on it last night).

So, I'm not actually sure what I'm asking here really. Am I being unreasonable to still be furious with H for what he has done. Should I say or do anything to inform anyone? Is there anyone or anything that can help him when he doesn't have anger management issues, but he does have insolent, petulant childish moments with DS where he retaliates in the most stupid unacceptable way and doesn't think of the consequences of his actions? What would you do? What should I do? Should I do anything more than I have?

Sorry for the rambling, I'm not usually at a loss on what to do or whether to do anything. I phoned my mum this morning (she is the only other person that knows) and I cried down the phone to her because I'm gutted for our DS that he has been hurt by his dad. It was an accident but it shouldn't have happened. I never cry but this has stunned me. I'm gutted that the one man who should fight his corner, protect him and love him unconditionally, is actually the one that has physically and emotionally, but accidentally, harmed him and that he won't accept that what he did was wrong.

For what it is worth, I think there have been a few over-reactions in some previous posts. However, I do think you have some clear cut issues to face.
Deliberate or not, the situation last night resulted in your son being injured. A normal parental reaction (if it was as your DH said, an accident) would have been to be mortified and massively apologetic while attempting to console the injured child. Your DH wasn't, and in fact behaved like a child himself, by making excuses, transferring blame and then sulking. Spurning his sons attempts to build bridges was also appalling behaviour. It could be that he feels guilty about what happened and has backed himself into a corner - again, childish behaviour for a man in his forties.

I think you need to sit your DH down and spell out, step by step, why his behaviour towards your son is unacceptable - he is the adult not a child. He should not be on his phone when he is with his son (sounds to me like the 'annoying behaviour' from your DS was because he was trying to get his Dad's attention in whatever way he could).

He should also be apologising immediately to your DS, and explaining to him why he was wrong and making it clear he will never behave this way ever again.

If your DH refuses to see that his childish behaviour has gone too far then you will need to seriously consider whether you want your DS to continue to be around a Dad who not only has the potential to physically injure him but who also cannot see that his non-physical behaviour is emotionally damaging for your son.

I feel for you, this is a very difficult situation

No I don't think you should call the police.

I think the mn posters here can empower you to get focused and deal with this situation yourself - without outside input yet.

Counselling perhaps.

and in fact behaved like a child himself, by making excuses, transferring blame and then sulking

I think that's insulting to most children - who would immediately apologise

None of this would have happened if he had been behaving like a proper supervising, caring parent instead of being on his bloody phone.
He needs to look at this priorities.

I agree with pug I can see myself pushing the step too and for one of the dcs to be hurt in the process. Hell I'm sure something of a similar style has happened before.
I can also see how, when you are so concentrated on 'your phone', you can also not follow what the child is doing and then realising at the last minute 'hold on that's not on at all' and to go down on the child like a ton of bricks.

What IS an issue is the not supporting the child who is hurt, the no cuddle/ice/making it all better. But instead the going on and on about the fact it's HIS fault.
And the fact that your H is acting like a child in his interactions with his own child, which, really is mind boggling.

It sounds like an accident to me - do you have reason to think otherwise? Unless your DH has form for this (which you say he hasn't), I would assume he was trying to stop the impact of the 4th hit, and it went a bit wrong.

As far as your 5 year old refusing to do as he is told and hitting his Dad 4 times with a set of steps - this is not normal 5 year old behaviour, sorry, but it really isn't. Had one of my kids bashed me with an object 4 times, they would have had a smacked bottom. He's almost 6....how can he not know that he shouldn't be bashing his Dad with steps? What if he does this to other kids at school?

If I was to do anything, that would be by starting to stop enabling the childish behaviour from your DH.
Being the peacemaker or referee between your H and your ds just doesn't make sense.
A parenting course for your DH (and maybe yourself, at least to agree on what and how things should be dealt with) sounds like a really good idea.

Your DH is treating your DS as a rival sibling. He is not parenting his child.
Now he has hurt his child and he is sulking.
There is a massive problem here and it is escalating.

I think you need to think about family therapy as a starting point.

Welldoyapunk - fair point, I generalised there to make a point, although I do know some kids who wouldn't

I haven't read through completely as its too harrowing quite honestly.
I hope you grew up with loving parents but I can tell you firsthand that your son will be feeling so unloved right now. There is nothing worse as a child than trying to gain the love and attention of a parent and being continually rebuffed.
There can be no qualities in your husband that outweigh his behaviour towards your son. I understand your furious at your husbands refusal to accept he did anything wrong but the real issue is the shifting of blame onto an innocent little boy who probably believes he has done something to upset his dad and will wonder how on earth he can make it better.
My heart is literally breaking for your boy. I am projecting slightly as I had the same set up but I've never forgiven my 'nice' parent for allowing this to happen to my siblings and I as we were growing up.
Please protect him in any way you can

Does seem a strange reaction though. I've hurt my much younger DD a couple of times (nothing major, just gentle bumped head etc) and these things happen but then there's many kisses and cuddles and reassurance.

Husky the child was trying to get his dads attention as he was being ignored in favour of a phone.

Also you would use violence on a child to teach them not to be violent. Where is the logic in that????

the reaction this morning is the really odd bit to me - i could understand an accident, but first of all if I'd accidentally been the cause of my child being hurt I'd be beside myself, and secondly your DS coming over and apologising and your DH saying nothing is just plain weird. Your DH needs therapy, he's very immature and doesn't seem to know how to act, I agree it's obvious you remove a toy/thing you're being hit with after a warning, rather than engage in a tussle.

Husky
this is not normal 5 year old behaviour, sorry, but it really isn't. Had one of my kids bashed me with an object 4 times, they would have had a smacked bottom.

Then you are an abusive parent too.

I'm sorry OP but this behaviour is very worrying. Everyone can accidently knock a child but it's the nurturing 'sorry' and comfort that is incredibly important.

His behaviour towards your son is very damaging. The fact that he said sorry to his dad (for being hit by him....!) and he was still ignored.

It's really bad.

I wouldn't trust him to be alone with my child.

You could contact NSPCC for advice (they are a great contact point) but to be honest - they would do a Ss referral on the info you have given here.

I think this will be the start of a breakup between you and H.

It is horrible but your little 5 year old only has you to put his safety first (mentally as well as physically).

Please dont let him down.

A colleague of mine had to do parenting lessons a few years ago, and he said it totally changed the way he saw his kids - it sounds like OP's husband could benefit from this.
It may stop abuse before it starts.

I havent read the whole thread but it seems like there is huge underlying problem here. Has yr husband gone through counselling

I'm trying to read and catch up with all the posts so I'm sorry if I miss anything out...I will be reading them all properly later but I do appreciate all of you who are offering advice and confirming that I am right to be furious and heartbroken for my son for the deliberately accidental incident and the subsequent emotional abuse that he has done. I hit the roof about it (not apologising) very harsh whispers to H as he was going to work this morning and told him in no uncertain terms that his behaviour is despicable and I will not stand by and see him do this to our son. I then slammed the door and locked him out.

I can assure you all that I will never allow this to happen to my son again. This is the first time it has happened and it is also the last time.

If I have so much as bumped DS I apologise. This has never happened but if DS punched me on the bum and I turned around and knocked him over, I would be picking him up off the floor, apologising profusely, cuddling him and making sure he was ok. Then I would tell him off for punching me on the bum. As I said, this hasn't happened but ANY loving parent would do exactly the same as I would in my made up situation of the bum punch.

The PP who mentioned about how would I feel if DS came home from school with a bump like that, is absolutely right. I would be livid, as would H and we would be down the school immediately.

This is all overwhelming at the moment and my only concern is DS. I will give H an hour when he gets home to apologise (he will not know he has an hour to do this). If he does not do this, I will take our son up to my mum's (who is local and aware of what has happened) and tell DS he is having a sleepover tonight (which he loves) and I will return with a few ultimatums for H. These being that If he does not spend tomorrow phoning his GP for help and finding every available avenue to sort himself out, then don't bother coming home. I will make sure he does this because if he doesn't I will send the pictures and the report (thank you PP for the advice of writing this up, I have now) of his injury (took the photo last night whilst DS was asleep) to his parents (who I get on well with and will be shocked and disgusted by what their son has done) and I will phone SS myself. Please please believe me when I say I will do this...and be under no illusions that he knows I will do this too so will have no alternative but to do what I tell him. It sounds like blackmail but is nowhere near as bad as the emotional abuse he has heaped on DS this morning.

I will read all your comments properly as soon as I can and I will update you as and when I can. Thank you for all the supportive comments and advice as well, I really appreciate the support and input.

So just in case you missed it because I've been waffling all over the place -* This will never ever happen again. Ultimatum tonight to H if he hasn't apologised to DS within the time limit I will set that he will be unaware of (an hour).
DS will be taken to my mothers house for a sleepover (which is not unusual other than its a school night) while ultimatum is issued. If he does not agree to this, big consequences and he's OUT. *
I text my mil daily (she's lovely) and if DS has had a fall at school or whatever, I quite often tell her. I am tempted to send her a photo of the bump (calling it a bump makes it sound so innocuous) to wait for the guaranteed reply of 'oh no, what's happened to my handsome boys head' for me to reply 'your son is what happened to his head'. Having said that mil is having an awful time at the moment with terminal illness affecting very close family so this would take her over the edge...but then, her son did it.

TiredyMcTiredy - you're absolutely right. Thank you as well for being supportive

Thank you to everyone else who is supportive, I will try and thank personally later as I have so many to read through as well as dealing with other normal daily stuff as well as looking up SS info and safeguarding.

I never in a million years thought I'd be in this situation. I am glad I was with it enough last night to take a photo of his injury and to not at any point explain any of this or excuse any of it. I saw and heard far too much of my parents divorce...if it comes to that, then I at least know what not to do.

He needs to go on a parenting course and learn how to be a parent.

Your son is 5 and as he grows older will be more argumentative and bolshy as he goes through various stages. Parenting is not easy. I'm currently doing a parenting course for parents of child with ASD to learn new techniques on how to deal with the issues my DD has. God, your DH would have a meltdown trying to parent her, she's the Queen of Answering Back!!

I think you are in a position now where you will feel uncomfortable leaving your son in his care. Because he just doesn't know how to cope with a child. You don't get into arguments with small children like that, you learn to distract, end the conversation, be an adult and move on. It sounds like he hasn't a bloody clue.

But the stomping off and ignoring is awful. It's just so, so childish and hurtful to your child and it needs to stop.

Give your DH an ultimatum. He either goes on a course and learns how to parent or he can fuck off. And he won't be having unsupervised contact either. Treating a child like this is abusive and horrible, not withstanding the 'accident' and you need to fight your childs corner.

I think a PP asked what he was doing on his phone when he should've been supervising DS. You were absolutely right in your observations that DS was likely bumping him to get his attention, I've seen it happen before and if I see it I've given a short sharp 'Alligator Husband get off your phone, Alligator Son is trying to get your attention'.

Back to what was he doing on his phone...playing a game, playing a fucking game about raiding shit and battles. This is what he would've been doing prior to the fallout. Sorry for my language I'm just so so angry.

You poor thing and poor ds
As everyone has said, accident or not ds deserves an apology, this on top of all the other behaviour, I would be gone.
Sending you hugs X

Sorry, I've just realised I may not have made it clear...I do believe it was an accident as in I don't believe H wanted to hurt DS however I don't know that for definite as I wasn't there, and this is what I've been lead to believe by DS and H over the course of the last 12hrs as it was this morning. I do however believe that H reacted in that way deliberately but didn't imagine that the consequences would be so horrific and being an idiot, a fucking idiot, he had gone on the defensive like an insolent child and is so immature and selfish, he cannot see the emotional fallout that is happening before his very eyes and the damage it has caused and will cause to the son he professes to love with all he is. If he does not take action this evening our life as he knows it will tumble before his eyes as I will not allow our son to be at risk of this happening again and I will not allow him to emotionally damage our beautiful boy. The moment DS was born I promised him I would protect him until my dying day...and if protecting him from emotional blackmail or someone who cannot see the emotional damage they are doing to a child because they can't admit their faults means that his father isn't in his life every day, then unfortunately that is the road i will have to take. I don't want to have to leave but if he does not get help or admit he has caused irreparable damage to his son, then that is my only option.

seeyoulater this is a brilliant plan and well done to you for having it in place and taking control of the situation.

you are right to feel angry but also need to exercise control. be calm and clear when you speak to your H so he is very aware that you mean this and it is a problem.

getting it sorted out now will mean that you no longer play referee in your own home. well done you - huge admiration for how you have made a plan and are determined to stick with it.

OP I haven't interpreted any of your posts as you defending DH. My DF has got quite a temper and used to smack me on a semi regular basis. I don't think it's harmed me in any way or affected my relationship with him because he was generally warm and loving and profusely apologetic afterwards. I don't think anger management existed in those days but I remember him starting to walk away when he was getting angry and the smacking stopped.
However, my DM's emotional coldness and general lack of interest/attention has definitely affected me.
I have smacked DS2 once when I reached my limit and the guilt was crippling and I spent the next hour hugging him and saying sorry.
It's your DH's behaviour after the incident that I find really chilling. It is absolutely not normal to hold a grudge against a 5 year old, whatever they've done. I have vivid memories of going to my mum for a hug and her turning her back on me.
I don't automatically think this has to be the end but your DH's behaviour needs to completely change or your DS will end up seriously messed up. I can't see him changing without therapy and/or parenting classes. And if he won't change, you really do need to leave or make him leave. Good luck.