AIBU to be furious with my H for the way he totally overreacted to our DS (5) last night which then caused a minor injury to DS? WWYD?

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I'll start with a bit of background. I've been married to my husband for 12 years, and we have one child (son) who is nearly 6. We have a good life...could do with a lottery win but then who couldn't?

I'm not sure if this is relevant yet (I think it may be) but I'm an only child and my husband is the eldest of 3.

Our son is a normal, happy and loving 5 year old who is kind to others and well behaved at school but can also at times be disobedient. It isn't serious disobedience, it's challenging his boundaries at home which we've all done and is usually a refusal to do something like picking his clothes up off the floor or arguing that he doesn't like spaghetti bolognaise despite loving it and clearing his plate the last time he ate it. The usual 5-6 year old stuff.

However, when H and DS are together at home and I am not in the same room as them for whatever reason, they start arguing. When I walk back in the room I get 'he did this' followed by 'but he did this' from both of them. It is like having two kids to deal with. I expect it from DS but I don't expect the whinging from my 44 yr old husband. A few times its ended up with H storming out of the room acting like a petulant child and DS stomping up to his bedroom. It's tiresome but until now I've carried on being the referee, sorting it out and maintaining the peace (despite wondering how I ended up with two kids when I only ever wanted one). I don't know if this is linked to having two younger siblings who invariably would've been antagonised by him and vice versa, when they were younger. As I'm an only child I don't have sibling rivalry to compare it to but you would think listening to the two of them arguing etc, that they were brothers.

Last night however, it went a step too far. I left the bathroom to go downstairs and get DS a glass of water while he stayed upstairs with H to do his teeth. Before I'd even finished filling the glass of water in the kitchen I heard DS scream in pain. I ran upstairs to find him holding his head in agony and sobbing 'why did you do that daddy, why did you hurt me?' with H saying 'I didn't, this is what happened and...' blah blah blah. I got down on the floor to cuddle him and once the sobs weren't as desperate I was able to see the injury which was a big red bump above his eyebrow. I ran downstairs to get ice from the freezer to put on his head and came back upstairs to H still going on that it was DS's fault and that he wasn't going to apologise (DS is still sobbing quietly). From what I can gather, H had nagged DS to do something he was already doing (he would've seen this if he wasn't on his phone all the time) so DS picked up his toilet steps (he'd been standing on them to do his teeth) and bumped them against H's leg (both of them said it wasn't a hard bump, just an annoying and antagonistic one). He did this a further 3 times and on the 4th time, H retaliated and swung his arm really hard so that the steps swung up and hit DS just above his eyebrow. It was already turning into an egg by the time I'd run upstairs to see what the scream was about, and you could see the shape of the steps there as well. It was approximately the size of a 50p piece, possibly slightly bigger.

I know DS was wrong to be annoying H but if he had done the bumping of the steps on me (which he wouldn't have) I would've said stop on the first bump and removed them on the second. I would not have waited for bump number 4 to then retaliate in a completely inappropriate way. DS said H didn't tell him to stop because he was on his phone. H got in a grump because it apparently wasn't his fault and stormed off downstairs.

Once DS had gone to sleep I took a photo of the bump and then went down and had it out with H. I was absolutely furious with him for reacting like that and refusing to come up and say goodnight to DS (which upset him even more) and refusing to see what he had done was wrong. I asked him why the fuck he hadn't taken the steps off him before it got to that point and he said 'I couldn't, he was too strong' - my husband is 6'2" and 15st, our 5 year old is 3ft 10". DS is strong but my 73 year old arthritic mother would be able to overpower DS if needs be. It was an absolutely pathetic excuse and I told him so. He retaliated in a wholly unacceptable way to the irritation of a child being annoying. I asked him what he would say if DS is asked at school about the bump on his head which is entirely possible and probable and H said 'I'm not living my life wondering what social services would say'. I agree to an extent but he doesn't get that if DS says what he believes happens which isn't a lie, it's just what he thought happened, that daddy swung the steps to hit him in the face, he is extremely likely to be on the receiving end of SS, the school and worst case, the police. The teachers have a duty of care to report things like this, even if it wasn't true, because it's part of their safeguarding for children.

Anyway today H is giving me the silent treatment (which I'm glad about because I'm likely to snap again should he even dare try and excuse what he did again) he's refusing to apologise to DS despite DS going straight over to his dad when he got up this morning and saying sorry for his bad behaviour last night. H ignored that and asked had he had his breakfast yet (which he knew he hadn't as he'd just seen him come downstairs). My heart broke for DS when I heard that. DS knows he did wrong to bump his dad with the steps and has apologised but H is acting like a petulant child and can't see what he did was far far worse.

I have told DS what I think happened, that it was an accident and that his dad wouldn't do anything to deliberately hurt him but I have not told him not to say anything and I have not told him to say anything if you see what I mean, because if this is picked up, I will absolutely not back up my husband. I will not be seen as someone protecting my husband when I think what he did was wrong. I am half expecting a call from school to ask about the bump on his head (the swelling has gone down a bit this morning thanks to the ice packs I put on it last night).

So, I'm not actually sure what I'm asking here really. Am I being unreasonable to still be furious with H for what he has done. Should I say or do anything to inform anyone? Is there anyone or anything that can help him when he doesn't have anger management issues, but he does have insolent, petulant childish moments with DS where he retaliates in the most stupid unacceptable way and doesn't think of the consequences of his actions? What would you do? What should I do? Should I do anything more than I have?

Sorry for the rambling, I'm not usually at a loss on what to do or whether to do anything. I phoned my mum this morning (she is the only other person that knows) and I cried down the phone to her because I'm gutted for our DS that he has been hurt by his dad. It was an accident but it shouldn't have happened. I never cry but this has stunned me. I'm gutted that the one man who should fight his corner, protect him and love him unconditionally, is actually the one that has physically and emotionally, but accidentally, harmed him and that he won't accept that what he did was wrong.

""It does sound like an accident to me too. ""

Honestly? Put together with the previous behaviour and the subsequent reaction?

If your confident it was an accident OP, tell your DP to tell the truth to the school and make sure your DS does so, also.

I think the DPs behaviour has escalated from verbal (and emotional) abuse to physical.

I will bet my wages that there'll be other little 'accidents', like a push into a door, fingers getting trapped, but that's ok, because "that happened because the DS didn't .....".

It never ceases to amaze me how much child mistreatment is minimised.

He swung a five year old's arm holding some steps so hard that they hit the child in his face.

He did that deliberately. If it was an accident, he would have apologised.

He is not parenting properly (and it has nothing to do with siblings or otherwise - I'm one of 3 and I don't bicker with DS) and now he's injured your child. A bit harder and he could have given him concussion. A bit lower and he could have blinded your DS.

And your poor DS, apologising when he's the one with the injury :(

I would call the NSPCC. And I would kick him out.

Is he jealous of your son? He's acting like a slightly older brother rather than a grown man & father. How can he not apologise, bear grudges & refuse to acknowledge his own child?

he doesn't even smack him

I should fucking hope not!!!!! Jesus I hope for this little boys sake the school call ss today

I think that by not encouraging your DS to lie, or cover for your husband over this, you are certainly on the start of the right track... but you're not quite there.

Your husbands behaviour towards your son is disgusting. And it will get worse, the older your son gets. At the age he is now, your DS is going through the first major surge of testosterone (if I remember rightly from what I was told when my DS was younger), and he will challenge from here on out. If your husband doesn't get his act together... it's not going to end well. In 10 years time, assuming you're still with your husband (life changes, for different reasons), do you really want to have to choose between him and your son? Because it may come to that if your husband continues to act like a 3 year old.

My DF was the eldst of three boys. He didn't treat myself or my two brothers anything like this (although he can be a child about other things, granted). Actually, one of the first lessons he taught us was that if you hurt someone - then you apologise. Immediately. Don't look for excuses where there aren't any. To put it simply?

Your husband is emotionally, and possibly physically, abusing your DS.

I'd kick my dh over something like that.

I'm afraid this is really, really not OK, OP.

Assuming the bump was entirely an accident (and it's hard to tell), these things can happen - my DH has occasionally accidentally bumped the DC when angry eg crossly removing a tantrumming child from the table and accidentally bumping their knee on the chair. The difference, I think, is that DH would then immediately apologise and give the child a cuddle. You model good behaviour that way.

If it wasn't accidental then I think you're in a very worrying situation.

Refusing to say good night to your DS is just awful. I feel for you and your DS, as this is a hard situation, and a worrying one.

Do you think your DH might be open to a parenting course? Perhaps you could position it as picking up some tips for both of you?

Oops, missed a work out. I'd kick him OUT over that. Although i would indeed kick him too

Reading your op, what comes across is that there is a very peculiar dynamic between your dh and your ds. He doesn't seem to see himself as the adult parent of a five year old, more that the child is in competition with him for "mother's favour".

Notice how with the "he said/but he did" exchanges that you are being put in the position of judge and jury between your dh and ds. This isn't a workable parental paradigm for you or your dh.

In your place, I'd be inclined to sit your dh down and try to get to the root of the problem because it comes across that your dh does have some sort of problem with your ds.

Seriously you need to LTB and keep your son safe

No normal adult holds a grudge against any 5 year old never mind their own child that they have just injured!

No normal adult needs refereeing over bickering with a 5 year old

No normal adult ignores an apology from their child

Run.

He needs to understand that he is the adult looking after a 5 year old. He cannot argue with him and lash out. On the very very rare occasion that either DH or I have overreacted to the behaviour of one of the DDs it has me in a complete pit of guilt (me) or massive, tiger mum anger (DH). This is one characteristic that I would LTB for in a heartbeat. It is absolutely not on. He needs to change his behaviour NOW and properly engage with and care for his son. Not to acknowledge the apology was heartless.

I've re-read the original post and now the subsequent posts by the OP.

My initial reaction and possibly didn't read the thread slow enough was that it was an accident. I can see how you can swing your arm and hit the steps and it accidentally hit the child - at no point did I say this was good parenting/acceptable (actually did say that this man needed to learn how to be a parent) just that causing harm could be an accident.

As the OP has said she doesn't think it was an accident therefore this would equate to harm being caused to a child on purpose then as I said my view would change which it has - I would not have my child in that situation in a million years, and he would be out on the street.

Your husband has behaved appallingly and been violent towards your child. My friend's ex-husband did something similar to their 4 yr old and the school immediately referred it to social services. And rightly so. Small children are vulnerable and for a grown man to cause them an injury is physical abuse. And I'm sorry but asking your son not to say anything is just as bad.

Your little boy needs love and reassurance and lots of it. That is your priority now.

This is what's really concerning me. I do believe he did it deliberately but he wasn't expecting it to hit him. It did and any normal person would apologise immediately. He hasn't and although this is the first time this has happened, he should have apologised and that is what is making me so angry on top of what happened.

He is a twat for doing this and I'm fucking fuming by so many aspects of it now. Up until this point they have argued and annoyed each other and it is like having two kids and I tell him so...but he's never ever hurt him before.

I do believe it was an accident and DS said this morning that he remembered 'daddy hit it when I was swinging it' so he knows it wasn't launched at his head, however that doesn't make it right even if it was an accident. I have not told him or made him believe any of what has happened and this is deliberate on my part because if it is taken further by either myself or an official body, I cannot in any way be accused of colluding to his mistreatment (even though nothing like this has happened before) not putting words in his mouth. I do not support my H in this in any way at all. He is totally wrong and I am disgusted by his behaviour.

I'm asking for advice as this is totally new to me...I am angry and disgusted by what he has done and also shocked as up until last night he was a good man although an immature and childish twat at times.

It's prolonged emotional abuse doubled up and escalating to physical violence. It's a cocktail of disaster for a child and it can ruin lives.
He is the blueprint of all future behaviour and emotion for your child.
You're in a shit position but you must take action for your son. Please.

If it was an accident and an unintended concequence, then DH shoudl be upset and appologising to DS.

However he obviously thinks he was 100% justified in hurting DS. Your DH sounds at best, like a man child who isn't responsible enough to be alone with a child, and at worst an abuser.

That's not an accident.
Thank goodness it didn't hit your poor son in the eye.
Your H is way out of order, he's not safe to be around your DS if he can't control his temper. It sounds like he's constantly looking for a fight/argument and then takes no responsibility. I wouldn't want him anywhere near any child, let alone mine.

Stupid git.

This is awful OP and you are right to be really worried.

I'm concerned that your DS bumped him with the steps to start with, when he wouldn't have done this to you. He's desperate to get some proper attention and parenting from his dad, and he's very resentful that he doesn't. he's 5 and won't understand this of course, but it's a really bad dynamic as PPs have said. DS can't get what he needs from your H - a safe, caring, in-control adult.

The sulking and refusing to apologise is just gobsmackingly childish as well. Is he a manchild in his relationship with you? I agree it is more damaging, because it's telling DS he isn't unconditionally loved.

I have to say I'd be leaving this man over this behaviour, before it does DS any more damage, but first reporting to police, NSPC and women's aid. Because if/when you leave, you do not want to have to hand DS over to him to be left alone with him. You only have your H's word for it that it was an accident. He lashed out with more strength than was appropriate, and was expressing his anger in doing so. It's getting worse now, and it can get worse from here.

Children continually push boundaries. If he's arguing with your DS now as a peer, what's he going to be like when your DS is 10? 15?

You really need some urgent intervention - this dynamic is dreadful, even without the smack in the face.

My heart broke for DS this morning when he did that and I told him (when DS was upstairs in the loo) that he was an immature and emotionally abusive idiot (polite version) and if he ever does anything like this or refuses to apologise again, I will walk out of the door with our son. The more I think on it, I'm inclined to walk out of that door this afternoon when I've picked DS up from school but I don't want DS to think that it's because it's something he's done as he's already heartbroken at H being so cold this morning.

H has had some devastating news about a very close family member over the past few days. I did say this morning that if he thinks he can use that as an excuse for what has happened then he can leave now - thought I'd get that in before he thought up an excuse if and when he feels guilty. I'm not sure he will though as he has always apologised to DS before for minor things so this is why this is really really concerning for me.

Who do I contact for advice, if anyone at all? GP? SS? School? I'm at a loss.

Sorry if this is rambling, I'm so angry and I have calls coming in on my phone to do with my mum who is quite poorly, so I'm getting interrupted a lot.

Please op, get your dh out of the house and away from ds.

He hit him hard enough to leave a mark, for mildly annoying behaviour you H should have been capable of dealing with. He refuses to acknowledge he has done anything wrong at all, and ignored your little boy apologising for being hurt by his dad.

You only left him alone with H long enough to get a glass of water and he couldn't keep his temper that long. What will happen to your son next time his 6 foot 2, 15 stone father loses his temper with him?

Please, please, protect your son. I've never been worried for a child's welfare on MN before but I'm terrified thinking about your son. Your H shows no remorse for his abusive behaviour and you are the only person who can keep your child safe from him. If he isn't sorry it's only a matter of time before he does it again.

I wonder if he was a good man while you were his "mum" at some level in his head. You could have a good relationship while you were devoted to him and him only. Since having DS his basic childishness and selfishness has come to the surface because he's jealous and sees DS as competition. That's what it looks like.

Anyone can lose it a bit sometimes, I'm not saying you have to be a saint to be a parent, and we can all get cross. And anyone can accidentally hurt a child – I bumped DD's head on the wall the other day while carrying her wrapped up in a towel. BUT I apologised immediately and comforted her. And also, I don't think the two should be linked - "accidentally" hurting a child because you are cross with them and can't control your reaction, is very dangerous territory indeed.

Iklboo yes I think he is, although up until now I hadn't thought of it like this.

I did mention previously I wasn't sure if being an only child or one of three was relevant so if it's not relevant then that's fine but I wondered with the bickering as I have never had any experience with that.

DS was a much wanted child and we went through a lot to have him. DS idolises H and H adores DS but after last night, the whole world has shifted and I am absolutely never ever making excuses to support H, my only concern is DS and if that means H has to go, he has to go and be under no illusions, I always follow through.

If you really cant see that what happened last night is a massive red flag then this would be a huge concern.

Your H was on the phone when this happened - who to?

The relationship you describe is not a normal father/son relationship.
Refusing to give the lad a goodnight kiss smacks of someone with an incredibly guilty conscience and an extreme amount of arrogance.

He deliberately hurt your son. He deliberately hurt your son.

How do I know this? because if it were an accident he would have been all over him apologising, trying to make things up to him and admitting it to you.

My DH accidently had a collison with one of our DC, knocked them flying (he was carrying something and didn't see DC) and it resulted in a cut.

he was completely and utterly mortified. I saw it all and it was a complete accident but he was hugely upset by it. That is a normal reaction.

at what point are you going to put the welfare of your son before this man. when the next accident lands him at casualty? when your son starts wetting the bed or having nightmares because of this bullying behaviour? or are you going to wait until your son is a teenager and starts treating you like this because it has become the norm?

go and have a look at the relationships board on MN. it is full of posts where children have grown up and copied a parents unacceptable behaviour.

Wow, I. Sorry but you need to get your son away from him - what you've written is frightening and I'm so sorry this is happening but by keeping them under the same roof you must see your part in this? You sound lovely, please protect your son