I'll start with a bit of background. I've been married to my husband for 12 years, and we have one child (son) who is nearly 6. We have a good life...could do with a lottery win but then who couldn't?
I'm not sure if this is relevant yet (I think it may be) but I'm an only child and my husband is the eldest of 3.
Our son is a normal, happy and loving 5 year old who is kind to others and well behaved at school but can also at times be disobedient. It isn't serious disobedience, it's challenging his boundaries at home which we've all done and is usually a refusal to do something like picking his clothes up off the floor or arguing that he doesn't like spaghetti bolognaise despite loving it and clearing his plate the last time he ate it. The usual 5-6 year old stuff.
However, when H and DS are together at home and I am not in the same room as them for whatever reason, they start arguing. When I walk back in the room I get 'he did this' followed by 'but he did this' from both of them. It is like having two kids to deal with. I expect it from DS but I don't expect the whinging from my 44 yr old husband. A few times its ended up with H storming out of the room acting like a petulant child and DS stomping up to his bedroom. It's tiresome but until now I've carried on being the referee, sorting it out and maintaining the peace (despite wondering how I ended up with two kids when I only ever wanted one). I don't know if this is linked to having two younger siblings who invariably would've been antagonised by him and vice versa, when they were younger. As I'm an only child I don't have sibling rivalry to compare it to but you would think listening to the two of them arguing etc, that they were brothers.
Last night however, it went a step too far. I left the bathroom to go downstairs and get DS a glass of water while he stayed upstairs with H to do his teeth. Before I'd even finished filling the glass of water in the kitchen I heard DS scream in pain. I ran upstairs to find him holding his head in agony and sobbing 'why did you do that daddy, why did you hurt me?' with H saying 'I didn't, this is what happened and...' blah blah blah. I got down on the floor to cuddle him and once the sobs weren't as desperate I was able to see the injury which was a big red bump above his eyebrow. I ran downstairs to get ice from the freezer to put on his head and came back upstairs to H still going on that it was DS's fault and that he wasn't going to apologise (DS is still sobbing quietly). From what I can gather, H had nagged DS to do something he was already doing (he would've seen this if he wasn't on his phone all the time) so DS picked up his toilet steps (he'd been standing on them to do his teeth) and bumped them against H's leg (both of them said it wasn't a hard bump, just an annoying and antagonistic one). He did this a further 3 times and on the 4th time, H retaliated and swung his arm really hard so that the steps swung up and hit DS just above his eyebrow. It was already turning into an egg by the time I'd run upstairs to see what the scream was about, and you could see the shape of the steps there as well. It was approximately the size of a 50p piece, possibly slightly bigger.
I know DS was wrong to be annoying H but if he had done the bumping of the steps on me (which he wouldn't have) I would've said stop on the first bump and removed them on the second. I would not have waited for bump number 4 to then retaliate in a completely inappropriate way. DS said H didn't tell him to stop because he was on his phone. H got in a grump because it apparently wasn't his fault and stormed off downstairs.
Once DS had gone to sleep I took a photo of the bump and then went down and had it out with H. I was absolutely furious with him for reacting like that and refusing to come up and say goodnight to DS (which upset him even more) and refusing to see what he had done was wrong. I asked him why the fuck he hadn't taken the steps off him before it got to that point and he said 'I couldn't, he was too strong' - my husband is 6'2" and 15st, our 5 year old is 3ft 10". DS is strong but my 73 year old arthritic mother would be able to overpower DS if needs be. It was an absolutely pathetic excuse and I told him so. He retaliated in a wholly unacceptable way to the irritation of a child being annoying. I asked him what he would say if DS is asked at school about the bump on his head which is entirely possible and probable and H said 'I'm not living my life wondering what social services would say'. I agree to an extent but he doesn't get that if DS says what he believes happens which isn't a lie, it's just what he thought happened, that daddy swung the steps to hit him in the face, he is extremely likely to be on the receiving end of SS, the school and worst case, the police. The teachers have a duty of care to report things like this, even if it wasn't true, because it's part of their safeguarding for children.
Anyway today H is giving me the silent treatment (which I'm glad about because I'm likely to snap again should he even dare try and excuse what he did again) he's refusing to apologise to DS despite DS going straight over to his dad when he got up this morning and saying sorry for his bad behaviour last night. H ignored that and asked had he had his breakfast yet (which he knew he hadn't as he'd just seen him come downstairs). My heart broke for DS when I heard that. DS knows he did wrong to bump his dad with the steps and has apologised but H is acting like a petulant child and can't see what he did was far far worse.
I have told DS what I think happened, that it was an accident and that his dad wouldn't do anything to deliberately hurt him but I have not told him not to say anything and I have not told him to say anything if you see what I mean, because if this is picked up, I will absolutely not back up my husband. I will not be seen as someone protecting my husband when I think what he did was wrong. I am half expecting a call from school to ask about the bump on his head (the swelling has gone down a bit this morning thanks to the ice packs I put on it last night).
So, I'm not actually sure what I'm asking here really. Am I being unreasonable to still be furious with H for what he has done. Should I say or do anything to inform anyone? Is there anyone or anything that can help him when he doesn't have anger management issues, but he does have insolent, petulant childish moments with DS where he retaliates in the most stupid unacceptable way and doesn't think of the consequences of his actions? What would you do? What should I do? Should I do anything more than I have?
Sorry for the rambling, I'm not usually at a loss on what to do or whether to do anything. I phoned my mum this morning (she is the only other person that knows) and I cried down the phone to her because I'm gutted for our DS that he has been hurt by his dad. It was an accident but it shouldn't have happened. I never cry but this has stunned me. I'm gutted that the one man who should fight his corner, protect him and love him unconditionally, is actually the one that has physically and emotionally, but accidentally, harmed him and that he won't accept that what he did was wrong.