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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect my DH to contribute to the payment of a cleaner

100 replies

maximumcapacity · 17/06/2016 09:32

now that I am back at work full time and he is retired?
He refuses to contribute and says it's my choice, but he also thinks I should be doing the cleaning at the weekend.
His justification is that he is renovating a house during school hours, doing the school stuff for our DS, and he does the garden.
However, when he worked FT I did all the cleaning, everything domestic and much, much more that he didn't do and when he did the garden I didn't down tools, rather cooked, cleaned, washed, ironed, tidied - you know how it is. My DH time is completely flexible, mine isn't. I hardly spend any time with my DS and I miss him. I want to spend the weekends with him, not cleaning after my DH (who is quite messy) when I hardly use the house any more. Please do tell me your opinion, AIBU??

OP posts:
Oysterbabe · 17/06/2016 09:35

Presumably all money is family money anyway?

Piemernator · 17/06/2016 09:40

I would be chucking all his mess in the bin and tearing him a new one.

We have separate finances and I did pay for the cleaner when working but DH paid for all other household expenses. Percentage fairness and who had what left over was relatively even.

Smellyrose · 17/06/2016 09:41

Get a big black bag and throw all his stuff in it

hewl · 17/06/2016 09:43

do you not have a joint account??

If not then there's nothing you can do about it sadly.

PovertyPain · 17/06/2016 09:46

Either stop cleaning or if you can't stick the mess chuck every single piece of his mess, newspapers, cups, plates, clothes, etc into a bin bag and leave it where it would piss him off. Only clean up after yourself and do your own laundry. He sounds like a total prick.

Housework should not be out before your time with your son. Take him out every sat or sun and so end one to one time with him.

PovertyPain · 17/06/2016 09:47

Spend not so end.

Writerwannabe83 · 17/06/2016 09:49

All the crap that my husband leaves lying around goes in a big box for him to deal with at will. He puts all sorts of stuff down anywhere he wishes and so I have decided my days are picking up after him have come to and end. I'm fed up of seeing his shit and clutter everywhere.

I hired a cleaner and then told him about it afterwards. The money comes out of our joint account and I put my foot down about it.

I told him that when he starts doing some cleaning and some housework only then can he have a say about it, but seeing as he thinks it's fine to leave it for me to do then it's none of his business Grin

OneFlewOverTheDodosNest · 17/06/2016 09:50

It's about free time, in my eyes. If he truly is renovating a house during school hours (and not spending a few hours doing it, plus a round of golf/whatever) and then actively looking after your DS until you get back then it sounds to me as though you have a more or less equitable division of free time so cleaning should be split equally in the time after work.
Which means he gets a choice of either doing half of the domestic work including cooking, cleaning, shopping etc OR he can choose to pay half towards a cleaner and then do half of what's left. He doesn't get to opt out of his responsibility for domestic chores though.

fascicle · 17/06/2016 09:50

He refuses to contribute and says it's my choice, but he also thinks I should be doing the cleaning at the weekend.

To clean yourself at weekends or for you to pay for a cleaner are not reasonable ideas of 'choice'.

It's a joint responsibility, unless your husband can accommodate the cleaning himself during the week. Is he renovating the family home, or another property (and if the latter, for whose benefit)? Does he renovate full time?

HisNameWasPrinceAndHeWasFunky · 17/06/2016 09:53

Why would you want to be with someone who thinks your role in life is to clean up after him and your family? This is what he thinks of you - I doubt you can change that.

of course YANBU - but you are married to an old school classic sexist.

Leave the mess. Prioritise time with you son. Think about going completely on strike WRT sorting out your H's mess - throw it in a a box/garage/wherever and leave him to deal with it. Though he might want to divorce you once you stop being his maid.

EarthboundMisfit · 17/06/2016 09:57

He'd get short shrift for that attitude round here.

JapanNextYear · 17/06/2016 09:58

We don't have joint finances. I do pay for the cleaners because

  1. I hate cleaning
  2. My DH cleans anyway even though we have cleaners
  3. he does loads of other stuff
  4. a lot of the household expenses are his
  5. it means I can do other stuff I want to do (rather than cleaning) without any guilt.
PovertyPain · 17/06/2016 10:09

He refuses to contribute and says it's my choice, but he also thinks I should be doing the cleaning at the weekend.

Tell him he's right. It is your choice and you've chosen not to clean up after him.

ingeniousidiot · 17/06/2016 10:17

What does he do at the weekend?

foursillybeans · 17/06/2016 10:25

I don't particularly agree with him but I can see his point if he is actually spending his time renovating the house and taking care of the garden. I only mean this in terms of when you were at home presumably you weren't renovating the house or the sorting the garden and he's pointing out that he is doing this with his time.

That said I don't understand why people spend so long cleaning. Live life instead. If your DH is messy then as PPs have said chuck his stuff away or in a big box or something for him to sort. Regarding cleaning up like hoovering, etc then just allocate a couple of hours in the evening or weekend and just get it done but with DS as well. Children can clean too. It is a life skill to be learnt. But there is no reason your DH needs to be such a pig about it if you are working FT. He can still renovate and look after the garden and run a hoover around the house twice a week without it killing him. It's not really to do with the money is it?

foursillybeans · 17/06/2016 10:26

I also like PovertyPain's answer. Grin

Original poster
maximumcapacity · 17/06/2016 10:33

so, to answer a few questions. He retired and is renovating the second house now. His retirement income is as much as my salary (minus my pension contributions). Because of arguments about money, all our finances are separate. He got very upset when I said I wanted to keep my own bank account (I've always had my own bank account and it's never been a problem before). When he retired he wanted me to relinquish my own bank account and only have a joint one. I said I was happy to pay into a joint account but not to lose my own account. Please note: I am a very generous person who has never had any problem with contributing to any expenses, household or otherwise. Throughout the year he has been retired he has scrutinised all expenditure to the point he has refused to contribute to my subsidised lunch (£2.50 per day). I do not eat at home, he doesn't cook for me, I only have food at the canteen at work so that I can get home and spend time with my son. He does now accept that my lunch is not an unnecessary expense and it's my dinner, he said he wouldn't expect for me to pay for him to 'go out to lunch'. Because of all these little spats about money it has lead to us having a very strict pay half for everything system. However he refuses to pay half towards what he feels we don't need. For most things that I think we need but he doesn't I just go ahead and pay. But for this I've put my foot down. When my DH worked FT, I worked 4 days a week and did it all, every little thing. He just did the garden, put out the bins and fixed things in the house occasionally. I continued all the domestic chores throughout the weekend. My DH 'downs his domestic tools' at the weekend and expects me to pick them up. Therefore we go out to eat every single weekend because he is refusing to get food in or cook and thinks I should do it. SO there's a bit of background to where we're at. It's very sad isn't it.

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 17/06/2016 10:37

Blimey. Is this how you want your life to be? Sounds rather joyless. Is he much older than you OP?

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 17/06/2016 10:39

He literally is renovating the house from say 9:30 to 3 five days a week solid? Really? He must be getting loads done...

Sorry, our house is a doer upper, I try to get stuff done in fits and bursts but I'm also a sahm to a baby and do 90% of the cooking/cleaning/tidying/stuff with the DC. DH doesn't crack the whip (he's actually the one who tells me to sit and relax) and we work as a team.

Has your DP ever cleaned? Does he see it as women's work by any chance? Hmm

laidbackneko · 17/06/2016 10:40

YANBU, of course he should contribute towards a cleaner if you need one. If neither of you want to clean then you split the cost. If your DH refuses to clean then YOU stop cleaning too. After a month of living in squalor, negotiations should become easier.

PovertyPain · 17/06/2016 10:41

Fuck that for a carry on. Do you actually want to spend the rest of your life like that? You need to so keep your bond with your son for when you finally have the courage to live this prick. You know that's what you really want us to tell you to do, don't you? Life is too short. Get out.

MyKingdomForBrie · 17/06/2016 10:41

This is really sad for you Sad what a miserable arse. How can he be so dense that he can't see you should both be doing equal amounts - you both work all week so weekend work should be split. Maybe he should be moving in to his fabulous second house..

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 17/06/2016 10:45

Have just read your update. He doesn't cook either? So he it renovating and that's it?

I'm sorry but he sounds selfish, I'm struggling to see what postitives you get from being in a relationship with him.

OliviaStabler · 17/06/2016 10:47

I could not live with anyone that tight. Has he always been like this OP?

laidbackneko · 17/06/2016 10:49

Bloody hell. Just read your 2nd post. He sounds like a real ray of sunshine.

How is the rest of your relationship OP?

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