AIBU to expect my DH to contribute to the payment of a cleaner

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now that I am back at work full time and he is retired?
He refuses to contribute and says it's my choice, but he also thinks I should be doing the cleaning at the weekend.
His justification is that he is renovating a house during school hours, doing the school stuff for our DS, and he does the garden.
However, when he worked FT I did all the cleaning, everything domestic and much, much more that he didn't do and when he did the garden I didn't down tools, rather cooked, cleaned, washed, ironed, tidied - you know how it is. My DH time is completely flexible, mine isn't. I hardly spend any time with my DS and I miss him. I want to spend the weekends with him, not cleaning after my DH (who is quite messy) when I hardly use the house any more. Please do tell me your opinion, AIBU??

It's very sad isn't it.
Yes it is.

Would he have been happy to give up all his bank accounts I wonder?

As I said before your H is an old school, by the book, sexist. It's not just about money - he thinks cleaning/cooking etc are your responsibility because you have a vagina. He has a penis and therefore inclined to "higher" pursuits.

We do have a cleaner, it gets paid out of our joint account so we both pay for it.

If your DH won't pay half, then now his retired I would suggest he does the cleaning himself? IMO cleaning in a house expense and I assume you both own the house therefore he pays half.

He doesn't cook, doesn't clean, downs tools at the weekend and you pick them up, looks at everything you spend and doesn't like your £2.50 canteen lunch each work day.
To me your DH sounds very old fashioned and like he feels wife should do everything with husbands do nothing.

When I said 90% I meant during the week (DH is flexi so tries to build up time off for holidays) but definitely everything is shared during the weekends! He'd know about it if I felt like he was treating me like a scivvy and vice versa!

How joyless

I cant stand stingyness

I wonder if he is older than you are? Much older men who are sexist are always a very bad match for women.

Just tell him you won't be doing the cleaning at weekends. Could you not hire a cleaner and force him to tolerate her presence whilst he's home in the week even if it costs you quite a bit? You could then pay less of other things like for food. I am not sure if your accounts are joint or how you arrange things.

Oh man.

This is a clear example of why people need to be on the same page financially, domestically, every way before having kids.

He sounds like a sexist, joyless, old git TBH.

Have you tried writing a list of what you and him were doing when you were both in work v what you are doing now?
Tried pointing out its better to do things as a team?

Probably this is as good as it gets though. He isn’t going to change.

I don't think it is about age it's about attitude. You don't have to be old to be sexist plenty of young sexists around too.

Is it reasonable to expect your DH to pay part of the cost of a cleaner ? No idea depends on income although my initial thought is neither of you appear to be working more than a standard week so you could both be doing the cleaning. Your problem isn't whether he will pay his share it's the fact he is controlling over money and sees housework as your job. Why would you marry a man who thought so differently from you ?

sadly, he hasn't ever contributed significantly to domestic chores. He does work hard, don't get me wrong, but I have worked as hard if not harder. He does physical things that I would struggle to do obviously. But he doesn't have a problem if he considers it a 'mans job'. We only get problems when it something either that I ask him to do or help with that is considered a task that I can do myself. (Consequently I never ask any more because he doesn't like me asking him to do things). Things are pretty grim I have to say. And yes, I am think of leaving. But I have to know that I'm not going mad and have confidence in my convictions. If I am behaving unreasonably then I would look at things again in a different light. That;s why it's good for me to run things through on here. If my DH were to read this thread he would probably accuse everyone who supports me as being selfish and unreasonable and also claim that you all don't know the full picture and have only one side of the story. It doesn't help me to tell all of you a completely made up picture and then ask AIBU. My objective is to give you the true account and then take on board what you all think. If I ABU then I would look at things again.

This all sounds like such a sad state of affairs OP. Bickering about who pays for whose lunch is not normal.
When you pay for the things he says you don't need, does he benefit from it?
I would be tempted to pay for the cleaner to improve your weekends with your son, but I would try to rein in any other spending that DH directly benefits from.

You're not going mad OP, you're deciding you don't want to be treated like a second class citizen in your own home anymore.

You might want to consider moving this thread to Relationships. Or starting a new thread there to work through these feelings/concerns. People are quite wise an supportive there.

It really doesn't matter if the majority here think you ABU or not. It's your life, your feelings, your family, your marriage, your son. If you don't want to live in an unequal relationship anymore, you don't have to.

I agree with HisNameWasPrince

I suppose he would say you knew his views on roles within marriage from the start. If you've been together for years and taken distinct roles then it is you pushing for change.

Is part of this issue that you see him as retired but he sees himself as still working full time doing the renovation. Different job but still work?

It isn't just age my OH doesn't see housework as women's work and is far more domesticated than me and he's 54. You are the one asking him to change his (rubbish) attitude but ultimately you married and had a child with him knowing his attitude so he probably doesn't see why he should change now.

Frankly the whole money thing sounds odd with a couple who both have incomes. Most people would just pay for their lunch themselves so unless every single penny of expenditure has to be accounted for and justified by both then it's a bit odd and controlling (unless it was more about.....why are you buying lunch out when you could take a pack up ....which isn't so unreasonable)

trafalgargal it is still totally unreasonable. Plus her lunches are subsidised!

I don't understand why the OP's lunches are any of her H's concern at all.

Unless a families finances were very tight and everyone was making a massive effort to not spend, I can't see how anyone spending £2.50 on lunch is of interest to anyone besides the person whose lunch it is. I don't get why he objects to it, and I don't get why the OP would want him to contribute to it.

Why wouldn't you get to spend your own money on your own lunch without involving your H?

thanks all for your contributions - regarding lunch, the costs for shopping and food and general expenses all comes off a joint credit card. So therefore when he goes to the supermarket to buy food for himself and our DS he pays on the credit card of which I pay half. As I'm not eating at home and only in a heavily subsidised canteen I put this on the credit card. I saw no problems with this but he did. And the arguments about money started from there. There has always been arguments about money but they've got to such a point now that it's untenable.
I do think you are right trafalgargal and I think you have got it, in that he has always been this way and always had these views so I am asking him to change. But at his age of 51 (I am 47) he's not going to is he. His father was a very 'old school' generation of women do all the domestic side as well. He was brought up in that environment. But his DF was particularly unfair imo in that his DM raised 5 DCs and his DF retired in his 40s and didn't work thereafter. But yet, when his DM died recently, he still had no clue even how to use a microwave!! What did I expect eh! I am not going change him am I, I have to accept that. He would say that he doesn't need to. There's the problem and there always will be. I was born in the wrong bloody generation!

Sounds awful OP, but you know, you can leave for any reason, doesn't matter what we think, or what he thinks, being unhappy is enough,

I absolutely can't stand the whole "you owe me £3; oh no remember I paid for your apple the other day so it's only £2.70 now; yes but remember the 5p bag I bought when we went shopping that time etc" between couples. It's so fucking petty.

OP, I'd also get this thread moved to relationships.

I don't think you were born in the wrong generation OP.

I'm 48.

I know many many many men my age, who although they might not be perfect feminists :), they certainly don't expect women to cook and clean and keep house for them.

He's not like this because he's 51. He like this because of how he was raised, and because he chooses to be like this.

Actually I know many men older than me who don't think like your H does, but who function like actual grown up responsible people.

The lunch debacle is terrible but I think just another example of how petty and tedious and unsupportive your marriage has become.

He sounds awful! Why would you want to be in a relationship with a man like that?

He's annoyed about you putting £2.50 a day on the credit card? And you don't eat at home? Tight bastard! And obviously eating out at weekends will cost money yet he will pay this as he's too stubborn to cook! He sounds vile and joyless. I'd pay for a cleaner-in your own place, when you LTB! If you want a cleaner now, to make life easier for yourself, then pay for it and accept that he won't contribute. However if you get a good one, take them with you when you go 😁 life is honestly too short for this crap!

he's NOT old enough to get away with that shitfilled attitude....really dh and I are that age and no way would any of that nonsense take flight here!

DH and I have a joint account. All money (currently earned by him) goes in and I deal with all bills etc. I assume as it benefits him he should be happy to pay a cleaner. I don't get the separate finances. He sounds awful.

can you clarify something op? If you're the only earner in the house, then surely you're paying for everything anyway? Or if he is putting an equal amount of money in to your joint account, where is he getting this from? Who is paying for the renovation materials and who will benefit when it's done? And, how old is your ds? That's all my questions!

Age has fuck all to do with attitude! Your fil is also nothing to do with what HE'S doing.

My pil had very traditional roles, regarding cooking, children and cleaning, but he always treated her with the utmost respect and would never have been petty. They were in their 30s when they married and had their 1st child.

My DH always shared the housework, actually did more than me. Even after he was diagnosed with terminal cancer he insisted on trying to help with housework and cooking. He was 54 when he died, so same generation as your husband. Your husband is a selfish prick who treats you as a cross between a child and the help.