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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect my DH to contribute to the payment of a cleaner

100 replies

maximumcapacity · 17/06/2016 09:32

now that I am back at work full time and he is retired?
He refuses to contribute and says it's my choice, but he also thinks I should be doing the cleaning at the weekend.
His justification is that he is renovating a house during school hours, doing the school stuff for our DS, and he does the garden.
However, when he worked FT I did all the cleaning, everything domestic and much, much more that he didn't do and when he did the garden I didn't down tools, rather cooked, cleaned, washed, ironed, tidied - you know how it is. My DH time is completely flexible, mine isn't. I hardly spend any time with my DS and I miss him. I want to spend the weekends with him, not cleaning after my DH (who is quite messy) when I hardly use the house any more. Please do tell me your opinion, AIBU??

OP posts:
HisNameWasPrinceAndHeWasFunky · 17/06/2016 12:14

from the Op above He retired and is renovating the second house now. His retirement income is as much as my salary (minus my pension contributions).

whois · 17/06/2016 12:14

Do you love him? Respect him? Value him? Does he love respect and value you?

If the answer to any of those is 'no', I think you know what you need to do long term.

TheSockGoblin · 17/06/2016 12:15

Nope he's not going to change. The question is are you going to?

You can either put up with living with a sexist lazy entitled manchild, or you can decide you want to be something other than his domestic servant.

You're not mad and you have very valid reasons for complaint. This is not an equal partnership and your husband sees you as a lesser being, it seem merely because of the fact you are a woman. It's archaic and it's more than enough to want to not remain in a marriage with him. Way more than enough.

Also the fact that he was mithering about you having a separate account once he had retired seems to be to be another indication of these 'old world' values..i.e massively sexist and even mysoginistic. Sounds like he feels emasculated now he has retired by you having your earend income. Is that really the sort of person you wangt to live with?

Also its hard to hear it but is that the sort of husband you want your son to be to someone someday if he grows up and decides to marry? Because those will be his ingrained expectations from watching his mum his entire childhood run round after his dads mess whilst his dad sniffs at the 'womans work' that is below him.

LurcioAgain · 17/06/2016 12:18

I'm 50, and I'd like to add my voice to the chorus saying "it's not his age, it's his selfish-fucker-ness."

arethereanyleftatall · 17/06/2016 12:19

Thanks prince. Sorry, missed that.

I couldn't be arsed with this nitpicking over money.

From the sounds of it, you both 'work' all day mon - fri, and you both contribute the same to the pot financially. So, cleaning of a weekend/evening should be shared. That's obvious. Either you both clean, or you both pay for a cleaner. Simples.

ImperialBlether · 17/06/2016 12:20

He's younger than I am and I don't know any man who acts like this.

Are you happy? What kind of life do you want to live? He isn't exactly kind and loving, is he?

Theimpossiblegirl · 17/06/2016 12:22

OP, this does not sound like a partnership. What are you getting out of the marriage? It sounds like housemates who don't have much in common quibbling over food bills and cleaning, not a married couple. You deserve some joy.

Batteriesallgone · 17/06/2016 12:24

It's not a generation thing. My dad is way older and isn't a sexist prick. My parents always split household chores. But then they always shared finances too.

Have you told him it's making you consider leaving him? Is not doing housework so important to him he'd rather lose his wife?!

minijoeyjojo · 17/06/2016 12:29

It's definitely not a generation thing, my parents are slightly older than you and have a healthy split of the household chores. My dad does all the cooking and will do the washing and hoovering at the weekends. My mum does most of the cleaning and ironing. They are supportive of each other.

To be blunt your 'D'H sounds awful.

jay55 · 17/06/2016 12:31

Let's be fair there are much younger women on here with the same sexist attitude from their partners.

Quibbling over a reasonably priced lunch would be a step too far for me. Not sure
I could feel any affection towards a man who acted like that.

motherinferior · 17/06/2016 12:31

He's the same age as my DP and two years younger than I am. We're of the generation of 1980s second-wave feminists! Oh, and quite able to learn new things too.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 17/06/2016 12:33

Im similar age...sorry OP he's an absolute horror...please leave/kick him into touch before he ruins your life and the chance of a joyful life for you and your lad!

trafalgargal · 17/06/2016 12:39

Gawd he sounds just like my first husband who ironically has just retired and is renovating a house (but is 56 so it isn't him lol).

I think men of this age are right on the cusp ......some cling to gender based "old" attitudes and others accept equality completely. They grew up right when everything changed.

He's unlikely to change ........maybe couples counselling might help you both find middle ground but ultimately he doesn't sound like he will ever be as enlightened as you'd like so I guess the question is do you want your children growing up seeing these gender roles and learning them and if not what are you going to do to prevent this. Get him to change to some degree or leave.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 17/06/2016 12:43

I have lots of friends in their fifties and I'm not far off myself. This is not a generational thing. It is a being a sexist knob thing.

Your life doesn't sound pleasant. I wouldn't look forward to the weekends if I were you

motherinferior · 17/06/2016 12:47

Blaming his attitude on his upbringing isn't fair on all the thousands of men his age who are different from their fathers. Or indeed the women who insist on an equal domestic contribution.

sleeponeday · 17/06/2016 12:48

Definitely not a generation thing - I'm a couple of years younger than you and my childhood memories involve my Mum being part of a feminist women's group. He's a sexist relic at this point in world history - the Blairs are older than he is by some margin!

Of course he doesn't think things need to change. He's pennypinching, and has a free housekeeper. Why would he accept change? Feminism is not in his interests, if he has no real interest in a happy and equal marriage anyway, so why would he consider embracing it?

You're still young. You could have another 40 years of this crap. I'd tell him you want counselling as a matter of urgency to try to retrieve the marriage - if you do in fact want to retrieve the marriage. Personally I'd prefer to be alone, or with one of the other men out there who don't think women are their personal handmaidens.

sleeponeday · 17/06/2016 12:52

This is not a generational thing. It is a being a sexist knob thing.

This. He's perfectly happy to benefit equally from your earning capacity, isn't he? No notions of his role being breadwinner and any extra you earn being to spend on luxuries. He even expects to bill you individually for work canteen meals, fgs, while you jointly pay for his food at home. He just cares about gender roles when it comes down to housework - suddenly he becomes fiercely traditionalist. Heads he wins, tails you lose.

hellsbellsmelons · 17/06/2016 12:53

I don't think you were born in the wrong generation either.
You just married as misogynistic, sexist asshole!
It's not rocket science.
Blimey, my dad is mid 70's and does loads.
Certainly ALL of the cooking.
Cleaning, tidying, gardening, looks after all the finances, still pays my mum 'housekeeping' although they are both at home all day and my mum has full access to all monies.
I love my dad!!!

But what you are putting up with is shite!
End of.
So what now?

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 17/06/2016 12:54

Sounds like you would be better off elsewhere seeing your DS every weekend.
How old is your DS?

I get the impression that he views his house renovation project as a FT job combined with the other odds and sods and as a retiree he is also "bringing home the bacon" .

So if you were to take the view that he is employed full time, as are you too now that you are back at work FT, there should be a 50:50 split of domestic chores? Make a list and agree a clear division of chores, then outsource your own and pay someone to do it.? Might be a solution?

Of course if he simply feels that any form of domestic work is beneath him then that's a different story?

Out of interest, do you pay half towards what YOU feel you don't need?.

NeverbuytheDailyMail · 17/06/2016 13:09

I think from the way you have described your husband you are going to have to appeal to his logical side. List every single task that needs done in the home and attach to it a time it takes to complete the task and how often it needs done. Then get a piece of paper and list what he does eg. gardening, and what you do. Then add the hours he spends at the 2nd home and the hours you spend at work. Remember to include things like DC lifts to hobbies etc. It will become apparent if there is an unequal division of labour.

To be honest, I find his attitude towards money as worrying as his attitude towards housework. It sounds like he doesn't trust you.

sleeponeday · 17/06/2016 13:16

To be honest, I find his attitude towards money as worrying as his attitude towards housework. It sounds like he doesn't trust you.

It sounds like he's incredibly controlling. It also sounds like he was happy for separate finances when he was earning far more, so she didn't know how much was coming in from his side, but as soon as he retired and income reduced he wanted her to lose her own account in favour of a joint one.

Did you have to pay half of everything before he retired, when you worked part-time to look after the domestic side of things, or is that new? When he out-earned you to a very notable extent was that reflected fairly in the financial arrangements?

WhereYouLeftIt · 17/06/2016 13:35

" I was born in the wrong bloody generation!"
No, you really weren't. He's only 51, DH and I are 53 and there is no way he'd ever behave like your husband or share his attitudes. And (to the best of my knowledge) I'm pretty sure none of my male contemporaries would either. His misogyny is entirely personal, not generational.

PimmsIsMyDrinkOfChoice · 17/06/2016 13:43

Tell him to get a move on with the second house renovations, as he's moving in there as soon as it is finished

TooMuchCoffeeMakesMeZoom · 17/06/2016 13:56

Agree about all the 'not his age' points. DH and I are similar age to you and your DH and he does not behave like this.

I do know a lot of men this age who are dicks about doing their share around the house, and I know plenty are dicks about money but most of them seem to have some redeeming features.

I think logic is the way to go. do a spreadsheet of hours of work, travel, home tasks, time with DS, time off, tasks needing doing etc.

lilacwineplease · 17/06/2016 14:00

Me and DH are mid-50's. We share the cleaning- but I started married life as I meant to go on and didn't pick up after him, and taught him to clean his useless parents didn't expect him to do anything.

When he ran out of clothes in week 1, he got the message.

Don't put up with it OP!