AIBU to expect my DH to contribute to the payment of a cleaner

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now that I am back at work full time and he is retired?
He refuses to contribute and says it's my choice, but he also thinks I should be doing the cleaning at the weekend.
His justification is that he is renovating a house during school hours, doing the school stuff for our DS, and he does the garden.
However, when he worked FT I did all the cleaning, everything domestic and much, much more that he didn't do and when he did the garden I didn't down tools, rather cooked, cleaned, washed, ironed, tidied - you know how it is. My DH time is completely flexible, mine isn't. I hardly spend any time with my DS and I miss him. I want to spend the weekends with him, not cleaning after my DH (who is quite messy) when I hardly use the house any more. Please do tell me your opinion, AIBU??

I'm more concerned about the money side than the chores. Make sure your money goes into your own account. If the joint credit card for yousrs, your son's and your lnches is not working revisit that and if he won't clean then get a clean and make him pay half. If he refuses just refuse to pay half his credit card or try to renegotiate your financial arrangements.

if he's at home with your child from 3pm every day you might lose house and child on a divorce so don't rush to divorce as he would be counted perhaps as primary child carer and perhaps lower earner if your salary is more than his monthly pension income.

Hi arethereany he is retired and his income from retirement (public sector so he's 51) is as much as I earn if you take my pension contributions out of the equation. He left with a very large lump sum and this has funded buying a house (in addition to ours) to renovate and this is now rented and then he's just bought a second to renovate which he's doing now. He also has volunteered for football coaching which takes a lot of his time and he has opted to be a school governor. These are all wonderful things on paper, but it all has an impact on my time too meaning he says he hasn't got time to do some chores because he is busy on other things. None of this was discussed though when he made these decisions.

I don't have any time to do chores. Ever.
Chores suck.

Still I do them - because you know, I have to. And I can't afford a cleaner.

Quite depressing to think that sexist people like this man are accepted as school governors - isn't there a test or something to weed them out?

None of this was discussed though when he made these decisions.
I'm really not surprised by this. AFAHIC its HIS life doing what HE wants - why on earth you he discuss it with you, his DW?

thanks all, some of your comments absolutely confirm to me that IANBU. It is a shit home life at the moment. I even have the flexibility in my job to be abel to work from home at lest one day a week but have recently chosen to come into the office, reason being that he expects me to take the housewife role on those days and my work is so intense that I can't take that much time away. So on a day working from home it would go like this ... get up same time, he would leave and go to renovate other house, i would get DS ready, take him to school, come home start work. Put wash loads in, out, tumble dry, fold, put away during the day (there's often a pile of laundry to do). I do my own laundry as he doesn't do that either. Then, because he hasn't got any food in I would have to visit supermarket to get food, come back, pick up DS, cook for all including DH, try and do a bit more work, take DH to club later, try and catch up with some work at about 9pm. If I come into work I can get my days work done and not have to try and fit in being a mum too. So I come into work. I don't look forward to the weekends or evening whomever mentioned that, they're right. It is a very unhappy household and has been for years. My DH does know that I am at crunch point. I have a solicitors appt next week for advice, at which point I'll prob be hanging around the relationships threads.

max you have a plan. You'll make this work. Good stuff re solicitors apt. I believe common advice is to gather financial evidence as much as you can.
Tough times but just think in a years time you will be months out of this relationship and you will be much happier for it.

Hope you've got something nice planned with DS this weekend?

thanks hisname (I adored Prince btw).
It's been a very long time coming. I have spent years contemplating a separation, just haven't confidence to know if I can do it alone. But it's so very bad now without any form of compromise so the balance of staying put is far outweighed by the unhappiness I experience.
He is a very controlling man, but refuses to accept that. People may remember that I posted a while back that he rearranged my book club night behind my back because he said there was an urgent football coaches meeting he had to go to. I had suggested he get a sitter but he didn't want to pay for one. He also gets very annoyed and intimidating when I'm going out. 20 questions and not very nice treatment both before and afterwards. It's been like this for a long time. I always give myself an excuse as to why I can't go, but there isn't one now really. My only fear is being alone without an income if I lose my job. He has a nice pension for the rest of his life. But the thought of me losing my job and then leaving under his regimental control of budget is one thought too fearsome. I need to go don't I.

Maximum any of us could lose our job at any time, get hit by a bus later today, shit can and does happen, but then again you might not, you may find yourself living a happy life without your husband, where you can come and go as you please and not have to explain yourself and keep your home as clean or messy as you please.

Yes you know you do.

I remeber your book club thread

I was in a similar position a few years ago now. Not married, but 2 young DC with controlling angry sulky moody fuckwit. Trying to make things work at my constant expense. Living under impossible conditions - it's grinding.

It seems strange now with hindsight that I took so long to kick him out (we lived in my flat so that part was easier thankfully). MN Relationship threads and advice really opened my eyes to what was going on in my own life. It really is a crazy life when you are second guessing yourself all the time, and not feeling relaxed in your own home. And all this takes up so much energy just keeping yourself on the straight an narrow.

I think you will be massively relieved when you separate from him.

Life is so much better for me now. It's not perfect. I'm still recovering much of my self esteem that took a massive battering in that negative relationship. But I work FT, have DC 5 & 8, a grat childminder and we manage just fine. They go to their DF EOW and one night during the week, which frees up a little time for myself.

There is a new life for you just around the corner, just waiting for you to build it And it is better than living under the constant sneer of someone who treats you this way. Promise.

And when things get you down blast out some Prince and Shake That Ass :)

Well hopefully the solicitor will put your mind at rest.
You can of course come to your own agreement but half that pension is yours you know!

I just couldn't be with someone like that.

That's not to say that we don't have the odd disagreement about money (who doesn't), but your marriage doesn't sound like any sort of partnership I recognise.

Just do your share of the chores and make yourself busy so you don't have time.
Discuss him making time to do the jobs or he can pay for a cleaner to do his share.

The money for a cleaner should come out of family money anyway. Why have you got separate money in this day and age.

OP your life sounds so sad. Who the heck argues over £2.50 per day for a lunch when it's likely to be less than what his home lunches cost.

How old is your DS?

DS is 7yo. It really did reach rock bottom when he said I should;t be putting my food on the credit card. I then said well I won't say for your food then, but no, he could not see that. He kept saying he wouldn't expect em to pay for him to 'go out for lunch'. I kept explaining that I'm not 'going out for lunch' at all but eating at the best time or the best money saving me time to be abel to get home a see my DS for about 30mins before his bed time. If I went home to eat, I would get home at about 7:45-8 then put my son to bed then sit down to eat at 8:30ish then I need to get to bed at 10:30 to get up at 6:30 for work. He said he made his packed lunch for work. This was about 20% of the time, and it was made from food that I bought from the supermarket and cooked or he put together ingredients that I had bought. He does;t have any food in the fridge for me to put anything together anyway. Plus he would come home every evening and get his food on the table, piping hot, when afterwards I would clear up, make dessert then make tea while he sat on his back side helping with not a thing.

I do massive apologise for my shoddy typos. You can tell I'm trying to finish up at work to do a POET's friday. :))

His argument is flawed anyway. I often bring in my lunch ( sadly no subsidised canteen for me) and when I add up the cost of the ingredients, it generally costs around £2-3.

I remember you from the book club thread too. He sounds awful and above all else, what example is your DS getting?
You say he is like his father (he sounds v old fashioned for 51, I thought you were going to say 20 years older), please do not let your DS turn out the same!
Our children grow up thinking that their home is the norm and the right way to do stuff, I'm 47 and I still find myself mirroring attitudes that I grew up with though if I stopped to think them through properly I wouldn't agree, we just do it.

Please divorce this controlling cunt. Get a REALLY good lawyer and take your time, because depending on the length of your marriage you may well be entitled to some of his pension. And he will need to pay maintenance for his child.

Quite often in a relationship one partner will not be satisfied with the amount the other does to keep things tidy. They might be happy with just a very basic level of cleanliness and organization, whereas you want things spotless. In circumstances like that, I think that if the other partner wants a cleaner, they should pay for it out of their own personal money. The house is already kept at a basic level of cleanliness, if you want to go beyond that then that's ok as long as you pay for it. Not sure how this applies if you are one of those familes who does a shared "family money" arrangement though.

Well at least there is plenty of property to split so you and your ds will be fine
My partner is 51 and he's the opposite of all this so its in no way a generation thing
He cooks every night as I get in later and does all food shopping
I do the laundry and more cleaning
I don't get all this penny pinching when there is clearly enough money to go around
People who are tight are so miserable I find
I echo others about your son seeing this as a model for marriage which is not what you want
The hobby type commitments are taking the mickey also

Please find the courage to follow this through.
We only get one life, you should make it as happy as you can.

God, you could end up with him for another 30 plus years! My DH is 62 and there is no way he would treat me like that! Can I ask you OP, does he care about you? (I mean really care/love?). Please don't let him treat you like this. You are still a young woman (he isn't particularly old either). All these silly petty arguments about money, you must be so depressed.

What expat said with bells on. This all sounds so miserable.

Assume he was in the police as retired so early, and sounds like he's used to getting his own way on things and being able to tell people what to do (not saying all police officers are like this btw!) I couldn't live like this. He has pension/pension lump sum, tjete are 3 houses. Half of that is yours, I would be leaving and living happily on my owm tbh. He can move into the house he's renovating.

chilled have you read the thread?

Its nothing to do with age and everything to do with him being a sexist knob.

My DH is 66 (23 years my senior) and dosnt act like this at all.