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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

School favouring daddy's day!!

159 replies

WhereIsMyMothersDay · 16/06/2016 20:32

So school (private) tomorrow has a special morning for daddy and son at 7:30am to have a special breakfast together early enough so that daddy goes to work!
The Friday before Mother's Day they had a special 'lunch' with mummy and boy as obviously mummies don't work!!! Confused
It was super hard for me to take time off work and teachers gave me a funny look when I'd asked if all mummies were coming
Obviously though tomorrow daddies don't have to take time off as its early breakfast
AIBU to be bloody annoyed?

OP posts:
2nds · 17/06/2016 00:07

Does everyone work in the daytime? I don't see the issue here because some mothers work, some don't, some work during the day, some work nights etc and the same goes for daddies too. Some dad's will have worked early mornings and will have had to miss it.

Original poster
WhereIsMyMothersDay · 17/06/2016 00:08

Are you sure they're giving you funny looks simply because you work?
I mean, they work don't they? And I'm sure some of them will have children

Yes I'm sure! There is another mum who gets even worse as she works longer hours does drop off but doesn't pick him up .... Only one of the teachers has children and leaves early to pick her DC up, rest of them nothing, nada....

OP posts:
Original poster
WhereIsMyMothersDay · 17/06/2016 00:08

Thanks for all your comments, took everything on board and will have a chat with school tomorrow..... After breakfast!!!!

OP posts:
TooMuchMNTime · 17/06/2016 00:33

Stealth, they tried to pull that one at my school. I have a dad but grandparents long dead when I was born, no uncles in the country...the out a stop to it after a girl ( whose father committed suicide ) complained about it. That was just card making...instituting social arrangements, wtf?

Anyway, it does sound stupid, sexist and remarkably out dated. I also imagine there's a fair number of kids who could do with seeing less of their folks.

I don't know what schools are on these days, I will find out as my god daughter grows up I guess.

WorraLiberty · 17/06/2016 01:05

Worra how about mum attends breakfast while dad stays home for half hour with other kids?

If the majority are SAHMS and the majority are WOHD, why on earth would they do something like that, if they want a decent turnout? Confused

I mean given how stupid the whole thing is anyway (schools getting involved in what has always been a personal family occasion), why would anyone bother their employer and colleagues with a request to come in later? Confused

It's just a school interfering where they need not.

BrandNewAndImproved · 17/06/2016 06:45

Shock I have never thought of it like this before.

I used to work in a nursery kitchen and on fathers day we did bacon sandwiches for parents (it was for dad's but made enough for everyone) on the morning drop off.

It was afternoon tea for the mums. The majority of the mums worked (posh nursery both parents were all Dr's, solicitors and teachers) but would of came in for the tea and cakes. (or sent granny)

We didn't think, we stereotyped.

BoneyBackJefferson · 17/06/2016 07:10

StealthPolarBear
"You see similar on here when parents get into lift sharing problems.
"The other mother is a pisstaker"
"She needs to get her kids to school "

Yes its similar but the context of the thread should be taken in to account.

TooMuchMNTime

I don't know what schools are on these days,

Schools are trying to find a balance that works. I would be willing to bet that some of the other mothers would complain if this were a "mother and child" breakfast.

WhereIsMyMothersDay

How do you want them to "fix" this?
As I see it there are only two ways
1/ offer both parents the breakfast and lunch
or
2/ the school not bother.

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 17/06/2016 07:15

Education is about opening children's eyes to things outside their direct experience and teaching them to look critically at the world and reflect on what they see. Schools shouldn't just say 'we only or mostly have families like this so we will condition our children to expect that all families are like that'. (a) That means that the unusual families are made to feel weird, which is sexist/racist/disablist etc etc. (b) It doesn't prepare the children very well for life, mixing with people from all kinds of backgrounds.

The private/state school thing is a red herring. Schools of any type can be guilty of saying that something is not relevant to their children because of their demographic. I remember reading years ago that Dulwich Picture Gallery had contacted all their local schools with details of their (excellent) education programme. One headteacher had said he wouldn't be making use of it because the children at his school wouldn't find any of their Old Master paintings relevant to their lives. I hate that sort of closed thinking.

Numberoneisgone · 17/06/2016 07:28

I totally agree with you OP. However the question from the schools perspective is more likely to be what would the majority of the mothers at the school think? I personally suspect they might prefer the middle of the day event so they can do the morning routine as normal. This means that they will counter with the fact that they have a majority on their side.

I would be more inclined to sticking to the message they are sending to their pupils and if they are happy to be sending this message but many of them probably are happy with that message by the sounds of thibgs so you will have to suck it up I am guessing.

CitySnicker · 17/06/2016 07:32

I can imagine the staff room conversation on this one.
"Our Mother's Day lunch was so well received we should really do the same for the dads! However, it's apparent from the families we have that a greater majority of working fathers compared to mothers. We should do a breakfast instead. 7.30 start ok?"
'Should we swap the Mother's Day event too to make it fair?'
'No. Repeatedly working outside our working hours without pay significantly interrupts our own family lives.'
Later....
"Mum's are complaining..."
"Make it fair...two lunches ...or cancel?"

CitySnicker · 17/06/2016 07:33

*mums

MrsJoeyMaynard · 17/06/2016 07:57

However the question from the schools perspective is more likely to be what would the majority of the mothers at the school think?

I'd love to know if the school have actually asked the mothers what they think about this.
Have they done a survey? Have they sent an email with 2 possible times (e.g. breakfast or lunch) and gone with the most popular reply?
Or have they just assumed the mothers will be free for lunch and happy with that time?

Plus, even if they get mothers turning up for the lunch, that doesn't necessarily mean those mothers prefer a lunchtime slot. They might think it's great to have it at lunchtime. But they might equally prefer to get it out of the way at breakfast time and be secretly thinking it's a PITA to have to go backwards and forwards to school for drop off, lunch and then pick up.

RebelRogue · 17/06/2016 07:58

Well our school didn't even bother to do anything for Father's day. On mother's day we went in,the children gave us cards and a little flower and told us why they love us and what not.it as really sweet. No such meeting for the dads though,will see if she comes back with a card at least

ArgyMargy · 17/06/2016 08:01

Fathers Day is not a thing. Fathers days are the other 364.

CuntyPotato · 17/06/2016 08:03

Our school does a breakfast event at 9am for both Mother's Day and Father's Day. Some people can attend, some can't, but less stereotyping - and the teachers don't have to put in yet more unpaid hours.

It's seems to always WOH women who are expected by society to take time off work to attend school events. Men can do it too but, like with shared parental leave, it's just not the norm yet. Women are generally still expected to do most of the parenting regardless of whether they work or not.

SpaceDinosaur · 17/06/2016 08:13

So is the school a mixed school?

Why would a parent of daughters (obvs not you OP) pay good money to have their daughter's expensive education undermined at school by the fact that she's growing up to stay at home and raise the children?

I'd be furious too OP. My mother worked. I work. I'm the higher earner out of DH and I. My business will carry on when I have DC1 later this year. I will be a working mother.

KeyserSophie · 17/06/2016 09:00

I complained to the school about emails asking for "mums" to do various volunteering things. They now write "parents" . Not quite Rosa Parks but it all helps. To be fair, the school do send emails to all parents. Class emails go to whoever wants them (mum, dad or both).

OP I feel your pain (also a WOHM in a class with few) but am also utterly unapologetic about not being able to be up at the school every 5 seconds. They can give me as many looks as they like.

Original poster
WhereIsMyMothersDay · 17/06/2016 09:02

Thanks all

Yes it is a mixed school and God only knows why they want to give that message to the girls! Not sure they actually think of the implications . I might have a chat with 2 more working mums I know to see what they think of this

Argy oh yeah!!! They finished breakfast and Dh told me they even had loads of gluten free items for dads.. News flash for mums they had standard lunch no special gluten free I ended up eating chips. This definitely highlights how they care for the apparently high and obviously only earners Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
WhereIsMyMothersDay · 17/06/2016 09:09

How do you want them to "fix" this?
As I see it there are only two ways
1/ offer both parents the breakfast and lunch*
or
2/ the school not bother.
They could also offer breakfast to the mothers at 8:30 and we could leave for work at 9, better than middle of the day

OP posts:
lastnightiwenttomanderley · 17/06/2016 09:45

OP YANBU!

I'm on MAT leave with DS1 (9m) who will be off to nursery in a few months time. I'm the higher earner and have an jour long commute. DH works 5 minutes away. I am seriously hoping we are not faced with similar situations and I will comment on it if we are. Particularly as I work in a very male dominated sector and spend my spare time trying to redress the balance by shifting public perceptions. It is subtle things like this which undermine everything I do. The email I was forwarded from a friend asking if there were 'any dad's and grandads to help out at engineering week' was a particular favourite.

The 'well this is how most people do it' attitude is a similarly self perpetuating cycle. It's an excuse, not a reason and places like this have a responsibility to buck the trend and not fall back on lazy stereotyping.

And before someone asks, I'm taking the parental leave as I get a heck of a lot better pacage than DH would. If ever we needed a SAHP, he'd be right there and love to do it.

CinderellaRockefeller · 17/06/2016 10:13

DD is at a private school, and the general stereotype is fairly true, in her class of 12 8 of the mums either don't work, work part time from home doing something flexible, or work for the family business doing something part time and flexible.

I am a higher earner and my partner is a SAHD (also studying). He rocks up to the majority of the parents to lunch/breakfast/class assembly/opening of an envelope. Have never had a problem with the school being sexist, apart from possibly when they draft him in to do the heavy lifting at PTA events as the only official man on the committee.

Our school are almost aggressively the other way, they have millions of family member into school events, but they're not gendered, just whichever random relative you can rope in for the day.

TooMuchMNTime · 17/06/2016 10:31

Boney, when I say I don't know what schools are on, I mean why are they organising stuff like this at all?

and if they do it, like op says, just offer both options to both. Why separate the parents into stereotypes? Though I'm mystified why it's done at all, what a waste of time and surely teachers are working hard enough?

Op sorry if I missed it but what age are your DC?

CountessOfStrathearn · 17/06/2016 10:47

"At least they invite mothers in to celebrate Mother's Day. At dds school, they only celebrate Father's Day. Even more sexist. Oh well..."

Perhaps, janecc, given that you haven't asked why, it could be a situation like jemima describes and Mother's Day isn't celebrated because some children have lost their mother. As a Rainbow leader, that's the first thing I thought of when reading your post, not sexism. There have been times at Rainbows when we've not done Father's/Mother's Day because of similar reasons.

CountessOfStrathearn · 17/06/2016 10:52

" News flash for mums they had standard lunch no special gluten free I ended up eating chips. This definitely highlights how they care for the apparently high and obviously only earners"

WhereIsMyMothersDay, Did you point the lack of gluten free options last time? Perhaps they changed the food in response to that rather than some assumed sexism?

(Have seen pictures on FB this morning of a friend at his DC's school having a Father's Day breakfast. Wonder if it is the same one!)

Original poster
WhereIsMyMothersDay · 17/06/2016 11:02

Countess yes I did! We are all gluten free thy know that and gave DC his own gluten free breakfast for school as didn't expect them although paying bloody fortune to accommodate us so yes I was shocked they had these choices for dads. I mean I'm happy they did it but puzzled/confused why the hell It wasn't worth having something even small gluten free for mums

Which area is the school you're referring to. I know at least 3 schools in our area that had the same concept but would be interested to find out

OP posts: