To not have bought my DD (14) what she wanted for her birthday

[TwentyOneGuns]

Interested to know what other people think - a few weeks back I asked her few some ideas, for me and also because family often ask for suggestions. Most of the things on her list were expensive make-up, designer underwear - basically things I didn't really want to spend my money on. I did get her some perfume she'd asked for and some underwear from a brand she likes but not the one she'd suggested, then I spent the rest of my budget on other things I thought she'd like.

It's her birthday today and although she made an effort to appear pleased (and really did like some of the presents I think) I know her well enough to tell she was disappointed not to have received more of the things she'd hoped for and is probably wondering why I bothered to ask for ideas.

I feel a bit bad now - one the one hand I think that presents should be about the person receiving them not what the giver thinks they should have. But on the other I don't think kids (and she is still a kid and at an impressionable age) should get everything they ask for and parents should have some choice about what they spend their hard-earned cash on.

As it happens she was lucky enough to receive money from quite a few relations so if she wants to she can buy some of the things I didn't get - I will be interested to see if they're as desirable when they are costing almost all of her birthday money though!

When I was a teenager my mum would ask me to make a list of presents I would like for Christmas and birthdays because she wanted to get me something I really wanted. She would never have known specific nail polish colours I wanted or make up items without asking me. I didn't get everything on my list but it was the only opportunity o had in a year to be able to get an item I had desperately wanted at a time when I was too young to work and buy my own items.

YABU but I think you know that.

I always ask my children what they would like but have a budget of £150 for birthdays so buy off the list up to that value and choose to ignore the things I would rather not buy

My mum used to ask me what I wanted and then get me the cheapest she could find of whatever it was, as if it didn't matter to me. It did and it does. I'm very fussy about personal things. Another time I would suggest you give her vouchers from shops where she can buy the things she wants, and she can decide which to get. Poor kid, you probably built her hopes up. 14 is an age when possessions matter a lot. I got picked on at school for having cheap stuff.

The thing is that if you buy a teen something they haven't asked for (unless you have found something you just know they would love) it's likely to sit in s cupboard unused anyway.

That's the crux of it for me - if you find a really really good, perhaps unusual present (which doesn't necessarily mean designer/expensive obviously) then it will get used. But things like getting the 'wrong' brand of make up or something might be a waste

I'm sorry to hear that but it's not as if the stuff I bought was cheap tat, far from it. It's a brand she really likes which is seen as 'cool', just slightly more budget friendly so she could also have some surprises as requested.

In answer to the poster who asked if I'll do things differently in future, yes I think I will a bit. I like choosing things I hope she'll like but think I ought to consider what she genuinely wants a bit more too. The list idea works well for us but this thread has reminded me how it feels to be given something nearly right but not quite so I'll bear that in mind next time.

That was to Sabine.

think I ought to consider what she genuinely wants a bit more too
Isn't the whole point of buying someone a gift, to buy them something that they actually want? It's not a consideration, it's the whole idea.

She should really be grateful for the presents that you got her
Perfume and designer underwear isn't cheap!

Makeup revolution 's icon pallets are very good dupes for urban decay. They're only £4 each and with their aqua Base last 8 hours easily. They sell through super drug and their website, (I'm a big fan and own 8 of their pallets, at the price of one urban decay pallet). Go read some reviews :)

Are we still talking about this?

Right my mother used to do this and still does, and when she presents the less good but more fulsome present to me, she always does it with the addendum, 'But what you wanted didn't look like much'

'I know it didn't look like much, but, THAT'S WHAT I WANTED, I DIDN'T WANT SOMETHING THAT WAS A BIT LIKE IT BUT MORE FFS'

And that's not entitled, that's just asking a person what they would like then making a judgment call on their desires. It's fucking stupid.

I actually HATE gift lists and wish lists, I like to think about the person that I'm buying for and buy accordingly, and if they, in general, desire small, but expensive things, I will seek out THE BEST small and expensive thing to their taste that I can, if they like reading I will seak out the best book for them, if they like coffee I will research coffee until my fingers are numb, gifts are about the recipient, not the giver.

It's NOT ABOUT YOU.

nibbledbyducks great tip for future reference but exactly the thinking everyone has just comprehensively slated. Birthday presents are not the time for cheap imitations 'because i know better'.

When I was 14 I desperately wanted a pair of Dr Martens. My mum said it was too pricey. I got a weekend job and bought it myself after grafting for months. Imo kids just get really expensive stuff WAY to easy in this day and age ... Think ipads, tablets etc. Don't feel bad. At least you got her some of the things she wanted. And you are not raising a spoilt entitled kid. I see so much of this. Bravo for sticking to your guns. And I think designer lingerie for a 14 year old is inappropriate.. Sloggis all the way, until she can afford her own expensive shit. Jesus wept .

'Expensive' is relative. 60 years ago a child would be over the moon if they got an orange or a colouring book.

I wouldnt ask my child what she wanted n then blatantly buy other things it sortve defeats the purpose of asking for ideas youve stated your daughter tried to look pleased so not being a brat about it at all but if you ask for ideas that does raise her expectations x

When I was 14 I desperately wanted a pair of Dr Martens. My mum said it was too pricey. I got a weekend job and bought it myself after grafting for months.

But that is different. Your mother said they were too pricey so you knew that if you wanted them you needed to get the some other way. How would you feel if she had asked you what you wanted for your birthday and you had the impression you were going to get them but then decided to give you some different boots because she preferred them to Doc Martins. Disappointed, I bet.

Marynary I agree the OPs kid would knave been disappointed and she could have set her expectations lower, but hey. What a good life lesson in not always getting what you want. I work close to private school and see young girls with designer handbags, often. Doesn't leave much to aspire to. But hey, if you can afford it you are welcome to do with your cash as you please. Obvs.

My parents had a policy the same as yours when I was growing up. I always found it really frustrating because instead of one thing I really wanted I'd get four things that were cheap versions of other things. That sounds really ungrateful but I'd rather have one decent thing than a pile of stuff I don't really want. I still feel that way and when my Dad asked me what I wanted for Christmas this year I said one proper pair of cashmere socks. He got me 7 pairs of fake cashmere ones off amazon and some bath stuff and some other bits of makeup and stuff. I just don't understand the logic. Why ask if you're going to ignore?
It sounds really ungrateful to some people: there are families who would rather buy a mountain of cheap stuff than give just one more pricey gift. My DP has a family that insist on mountains at Christmas and most of it is pound shop rubbish and it drives me mad but the year I tried to mention it they got offended. Me and SIL have a giggle at the crap we get given (because we get the same thing) but the sad thing is 90% of it goes to charity or bin and they're actually wasting money. Now I have DS it is worse...
Anyway I digress. YABU. Buy her what she wants or don't ask her.

houndoftheBaskervilles you are my people

hound you totally get what presents are about. Bravo.

*Marynary I agree the OPs kid would knave been disappointed and she could have set her expectations lower, but hey. What a good life lesson in not always getting what you want. I work close to private school and see young girls with designer handbags, often. Doesn't leave much to aspire to.

*You have know reason to believe that OP's daughter needed a "life lesson" on not getting what you want. You may work in a private school where children get everything they want but that doesn't mean the majority of children do. Most children are used to the fact that their parents have a budget when it comes to present. I think it is reasonable to hope/expect that if your parent asks you what and if your desires are within budget that you will get the things you actually want regarding different presents.

But hey, if you can afford it you are welcome to do with your cash as you please. Obvs.

I can't afford to buy things everything that I or my children want but that is precisely why I try to buy things that are actually wanted within my budget. Buying things that are going to sit in a cupboard and not be used in favour of things that are wanted is what I would call a waste of money.

Marynary I agree the OPs kid would knave been disappointed and she could have set her expectations lower, but hey. What a good life lesson in not always getting what you want. I work close to private school and see young girls with designer handbags, often. Doesn't leave much to aspire to.

You have know reason to believe that OP's daughter needed a "life lesson" on not getting what you want. You may work in a private school where children get everything they want but that doesn't mean the majority of children do. Most children are used to the fact that their parents have a budget when it comes to present. I think it is reasonable to hope/expect that if your parent asks you what and if your desires are within budget that you will get the things you actually want regarding different presents.

But hey, if you can afford it you are welcome to do with your cash as you please. Obvs.

I can't afford to buy things everything that I or my children want but that is precisely why I try to buy things that are actually wanted within my budget. Buying things that are going to sit in a cupboard and not be used in favour of things that are wanted is what I would call a waste of money.

Excuse all typos...

I asked my DD want she wanted for her 9th Birthday, she said an Xbox or PS4. Yeah that aint happening.

She gives me ideas, I pick a few off that list and tell others bits I'm not getting her.

Marynary, reading back I do appear quite flippant. Sorry, I didn't mean to. What I was really trying to say is that this kid will be disappointed yes, the OP has admitted she could do better and will in future. Wonderful. Things have just changed so much since I was a teenage some 20 years ago. Kids seem to want more, quicker and sooner IMO. My kids are 5 and 2 and I shudder to think what they will want at 14... The world has gone mad and I hate CONSUMERISM. If we can teach our kids not to want so much all the time then the world would be a better place. And I am all for getting smaller/less gifts than a lot of cheap tat. I have seen 15 year olds with Mulberry and Louis Vuitton handbags, I can't know if they were real or fakes, but that makes me very sad. To instill this type of desire/wants at such a young age? AIBU

I think that birthday and christmas should be times you get gifts that you wouldn't normally buy for yourself - so the nicer branded items instead of the cheap supermarket varieties.

My mother thought gifts had to be practical. The christmas before I started high school, my parents gave me new my school uniform as my gift. I used to get my school books every year for my birthday gift. It wasn't financial, my parents could certainly afford a decent gift, and my mother would have pitched a fit if you dared give her anything practical. I gave up on even looking forward to birthdays and christmas, I wasn't greedy, I just wanted one gift that suggested that my parents actually understood me and what I wanted.