To not have bought my DD (14) what she wanted for her birthday

[TwentyOneGuns]

Interested to know what other people think - a few weeks back I asked her few some ideas, for me and also because family often ask for suggestions. Most of the things on her list were expensive make-up, designer underwear - basically things I didn't really want to spend my money on. I did get her some perfume she'd asked for and some underwear from a brand she likes but not the one she'd suggested, then I spent the rest of my budget on other things I thought she'd like.

It's her birthday today and although she made an effort to appear pleased (and really did like some of the presents I think) I know her well enough to tell she was disappointed not to have received more of the things she'd hoped for and is probably wondering why I bothered to ask for ideas.

I feel a bit bad now - one the one hand I think that presents should be about the person receiving them not what the giver thinks they should have. But on the other I don't think kids (and she is still a kid and at an impressionable age) should get everything they ask for and parents should have some choice about what they spend their hard-earned cash on.

As it happens she was lucky enough to receive money from quite a few relations so if she wants to she can buy some of the things I didn't get - I will be interested to see if they're as desirable when they are costing almost all of her birthday money though!

That's very sad Midnite it just screams control freak to me. The OP is excreting the same sort of control mechanism, just not as extreme.

OP, taking all your posts together, I don't think YWBU, you were trying to come to a compromise of something she wanted along with a pile of presents which she also wanted. I too struggle with the idea of spending ££££ on things like underwear, to me they are a complete rip off. We're still at the Lego Friends stage which I also consider a complete ripoff so can't get cheaper versions but I don't get why Urban Decay is so much better than cheaper brands (but I suspect judging by this thread that we spend considerably less on presents than others). And also the list was for other relatives - I'd be mortified to say to a relative that dd wanted for e.g. a eyeliner for £20, can you imagine them wrapping that and handing basically a pencil over on the day? As others say, just give her money next time, then that expensive stuff may seem less attractive (asking relatives for money is slowly working on dd, she's far less keen to buy expensive Lego stuff when she has to hand over the money herself....)

Midnite, that's so sad but the OP doesn't sound like that to me.

I can remember as a child getting cheaper versions of the thing I wanted, and then lots of tat to make the stash seem larger. I was always really disappointing and just wished, I had the one thing I really wanted and none of the tat items. My mum still does this and it drives me bonkers. For example if she asks me what I'd like and I say hand cream and it's £20, she'll say "I can't afford that" and get me a £2 hand cream and lots of tats that comes to £18. To me and I know it sounds ungrateful, but I'd rather she brought the original item I asked for and not the tat.

LC01, I think it's a tricky one really. Perhaps your mum is embarrassed to just give you one small parcel? I think some of the older generation think a little bit differently and think quantity is better than quality. Whenever anyone asks for money as a present I must admit I tend to buy something chocolatey as well because just handing over a card containing the money seems a bit... I don't know, lazy?

Must admit I don't understand why if someone asked for something relatively cheap like a certain CD someone would get you something completely different. That just sounds bonkers.

shitchef I think it is a bit different if they are very young though as they may have very little idea of the true value of things. Small children (or their parents at least) are easily ripped off. By the time they are 14 though it is more likely to be just a difference of opinion regarding what things are worth. Regardless I would always discuss it with them first to see if they really want one overpriced (in my opinion) item vs. more less expensive items. By the time they are 14 I think they should have more autonomy to decide what they want for their birthday (within a certain budget).

I agree Marynary but I think the problem for the OP was that her daughter wanted both the expensive presents and the big pile of them which is why cash is probably the best solution next year. The dd was sort of acting like a 7yo/14yo hybrid (the expensive tastes of a 14 yo combined with the big pile of presents yearning of a 7 yo). Even my 9 yo understands that if she wants a big present she'll get nothing else (apart from the aforementioned chocolate and maybe a couple of lego minifigures).

shitchef OP hasn't said the list would have been out of budget though. She just said that the things on the list were things "she didn't want to spend her money on" so she bought other things instead. Regardless, if the list is too expensive, I think this should be discussed with the DD first and they should be given the opportunity to choose some of the items on the list.

You had three options:

1. Buy from the list. Of course tou dont buy everything from the list a sit was a list of possibilities. But buy from the list.
2. Dont ask for a list and instead buy what you think shewould like.
3. Ask her for a list of what she would like, buy things that are not on the list of things she would like that you think she would like more than the item she actually said she would like and just suck up the feeling youve been left with at the disappointment in her face.

She did get the perfume and some underwear, but not other things she asked for, felt that she needed and would appreciate.

Going by the general 14 y/o girl consensus, and if it were me, I would have bought the perfume, underwear, a MAC/other high end makeup product (lipstick/mascara/etc), possibly a nice body shop/lush type set, something novelty/funny and some of her favourite chocolates/sweets.

Sorry Marynary, maybe I misunderstood but when the OP wrote I chose the presents I did because it was the best use of my budget that allowed me to get both something from her wishlist and a 'pile' of things I took that to mean that she couldn't have afforded everything on the list.

If you read the op's 09.24 update it should be clear that the OP didn't just decide to buy a bunch of other stuff because she thinks it is nicer, or something. She actually decided not to treat the list as a set of rigid instructions for a variety of reasons that are about her doing her best to bring the girl up properly - in other words, it is still all about the dd, but from a more adult and more balanced perspective than "she wants, so she must have".

I think part of having a teenager is helping them to develop an adult balance between the "I want I want!" impulses, and leading a good life. Fourteen year olds are still children in a way, even if they shiny toys they want look like grown up accessories.

It may be that some parents feel very much alone, in wider society, in encouraging this balance. That's sad but they are right to carry on doing it anyway.

She actually decided not to treat the list as a set of rigid instructions for a variety of reasons that are about her doing her best to bring the girl up properly - in other words, it is still all about the dd, but from a more adult and more balanced perspective than "she wants, so she must have".

But nobody has suggested that what "she wants, she must have"! I think a more "balanced" way of doing things would be to either buy items from the list (up to the budget) or discuss with the child why you will not be buying the items from the list. I really don't see how buying different things without discussion is a more "adult perspective" or how it equates to bringing a child up properly.

It's about managing expectations and setting up the list properly, as 'ideas' not requests, and perhaps a likely number of requests satisfied eg 1-2.

And talking through some of the list of ages asking for unsuitable things for her age. So you don't mentally cross them off the list yet leave her hoping and yearning.

I think getting same brand underwear yet a different set would be rather upsetting. It's like you listened, then over ruled, but are pretending you got her what she wanted.

So, PPers, was Mum supposed to know in advance (via some kind of telepathy) what DD would ask for? I always ask my DS what he wants for birthdays/Christmas but if he asks for something unreasonably expensive or unsuitable I'm straight at it telling him it's not going to happen.

Mine always ask for whatever which is silly expensive - if I can afford it then I try but usually I give money and other family give bits of money and if they want something, they will have to buy it themselves ... I was an only child and parents did spoil me but not how I spoil my two at times and I don't think I've done them any favours to be honest - they have this entitled air about them on occasions and I don't like it, so you didn't do anything wrong at all and she needs to wait until she earns it to realise whether she would throw it away on silly expensive stuff or buy quite a bit of reasonably priced stuff instead

Not sure what the point of asking her to write a list if you aren't going to take any notice of it.

That's harsh.

To be fair, what was the point in asking her if you didn't get her the things she wanted? I'd probably be a little disappointed too. I'm sure she must have got her hopes up thinking she was getting what you'd asked her to write down (or at least half of it).
It doesn't seem like you got her any of it, just a cheaper alternative.

It might sound spoilt but it's her birthday, they're supposed to be occasions where you receive gifts you wouldn't normally get year round.

I prefer to choose a budget and let them decide if they want only one expensive thing or more things that cost less. It's something that everyone has to decide when they're adults so I prefer they make their choice's when I'm there to sweep up the mess!

It was one or two things as listed or a pile of stuff. The DD couldn't have both. Op did what she thought was best of both worlds.

useful chance for a life lesson; if you want branded and designer you get much less for your money, and you probably get no better quality.

so a long list of silly named stuff - she gets one item. The perfume would have been plenty.

knickers with someone else's name on are silly anyway, but at 14???

I always feel guilty not liking all of the 'side gifts' my mum buys me. I'd prefer two special items than one special items and a pile of stuff I don't want.

I haven't read all the responses but just wanted to give you these OP I'm five children in and still don't get it right all the time. I personally think reflecting on choices you've made and asking for an objective opinion is fab. From our children we have learned that actually the desire to give a 'pile' of gifts tends to come from parents whereas they are pleased as punch with just one thing they wanted. It's so hard though isn't it? Because children seem to want to spend money on things that we can't relate to (I'll never understand why our nine and ten year olds spend so much of their money on Disney Infinity characters for example) but not long ago I asked my son this and he said 'because I really like them, mum. I can't understand why you like collecting Emma Bridgewater stuff but I save and buy you it because it makes you happy.' He's right you know! Anyway. You sound lovely. I hope your daughter has a lovely birthday.

I don't think YABU. Because this present is from you, and you thought your DD might like it. If you buy her exactly what she wants, whats the point of you actually buying it, when you can just give her the money and let her buy whatever she wants? Doesn't make sense to me. You're right to buy her what you want, but also consider if she would like it.

I haven't read any of the other comment as I want to give my opinion uncoloured by others.

When you say 'don't like spending my money on those things' is there a specific reason why? Is it for a moral reason (such as, I don't know, kids becoming too grown up too soon or too sexualised too young, or an issue with the products themselves such as whether they are made unethically or whatever)?

I mean it sounds like you budgeted money to buy her something and .... 'oh I just don't feel like putting my money on that' is a little strange and very selfish (if it's not for any of the potential moral reasons above that is). Maybe you see them as a waste but they're clearly not for your daughter. As long as they would see plenty of use I just don't see why you would bother asking your daughter what she wants if you're just going to buy her whatever the hell you feel like anyway - it gets up her hopes and is very cruel. You're dangling a carrot in front of her and never letting her have it.

Again, I haven't read any further responses, maybe you've already clarified your 'I don't like spending money on those things' stance. Maybe you feel, like many parents, that kids should work for things and maybe shouldn't get what they want unless they personally pay for it so it therefore has more meaning (which I support - it's an important lesson to teach kids).

The whole point of a gift is that it is something that somebody would really like that maybe they wouldn't buy for themselves - it's a nice gesture. Whether or not you would personally like that item or like spending money on that sort of thing is irrelevant.

If the items she wanted were over budget, do what my parents did and simply say 'well we can't afford all of those things, put them in order of what you'd like most'. That way you can get one or two of them and they will be the ones she wants most.

Of course the simplest alternative is just to give your daughter the cash so she can get whatever the hell she wants without you getting her hopes up to dash them, and you don't have to buy things you don't like to buy with your money, because when you give her it, it'll be hers (since you budgeted it you might as well).