To not have bought my DD (14) what she wanted for her birthday

[TwentyOneGuns]

Interested to know what other people think - a few weeks back I asked her few some ideas, for me and also because family often ask for suggestions. Most of the things on her list were expensive make-up, designer underwear - basically things I didn't really want to spend my money on. I did get her some perfume she'd asked for and some underwear from a brand she likes but not the one she'd suggested, then I spent the rest of my budget on other things I thought she'd like.

It's her birthday today and although she made an effort to appear pleased (and really did like some of the presents I think) I know her well enough to tell she was disappointed not to have received more of the things she'd hoped for and is probably wondering why I bothered to ask for ideas.

I feel a bit bad now - one the one hand I think that presents should be about the person receiving them not what the giver thinks they should have. But on the other I don't think kids (and she is still a kid and at an impressionable age) should get everything they ask for and parents should have some choice about what they spend their hard-earned cash on.

As it happens she was lucky enough to receive money from quite a few relations so if she wants to she can buy some of the things I didn't get - I will be interested to see if they're as desirable when they are costing almost all of her birthday money though!

A 14yo is very well aware what their family can or can't afford. She didn't ask for a yacht. OP just wanted to prove a point she isn't worth of a nicer present.

I think OP was being stubborn but I don't think she was telling her daughter she wasn't worth a nicer present! She obviously cares how her daughter feels else she wouldn't be on here asking...

I think it is a little cruel to deny a child something 'decent' on the basis that they're a child/not working. You're sowing the seed of unworthiness and that is a cruel thing to do, regardless of the slightly skewed intentions you had.

Back in ye olden days there was kids stuff and adult stuff, I remember certain things being out of bounds because we were kids and not earning.

Over the years the roles seem to have reversed and now kids think theyre perfectly entitled to a load of designer gear just because theyve been born.

I don't think yabu at all, if she wants designer undies she can fund them.herself. That's just ridiculous at 14.

u think you were clear. You asked her if she wanted one or two presents from her list and she said no she wanted a pile, she must have realised that she was only going to get say one thing if everything was so pricey and the rest would be stocking filler type bits?

Luckily mine are smallish, they make a list and put it in order of things wanted. They know they will get the top thing from their list and grandparents usually buy second or third if not expensive. Though ds did get a ps4 vetoed last year for his 7th birthday as we didn't have the money and explained to him when he wrote it down

I think it's a pretty unthoughtful of you to ASK her what she wanted, but then to only buy one thing she asked for - and then buy her other things you thought she'd want. She's 14 - she's not 7 - i'd assume by that age she will know what she want.

You don't say it's due to cost - just that you didn't want to spend your money on the things she wanted/likes. So you bought different things.

She doesn't sound spoilt at all, she didn't kick up a fuss - you said she tried to hide her disappointment and appear pleased.

Personally i think if you wanted to get her surprises, you should have got her at-least two or three things of her list. (depending on your budget/price of course) i am assuming money wasn't the problem. Just that the items weren't what you wanted to spend it on.

Is it now usual for kids to have a list for birthdays, like for Christmas?
We have always given one biggish gift for birthdays. Do kids expect a pile of stuff from parents?

I will confess this is a bugbear of mine....I see dsis do this with her daughter which amazes me as our mother did it and it was massively dismissive. In fairness my niece not my daughter so not my business.

If you ask for a birthday list you are asking what she wants but you then decided to dismiss that because you know better apparently.....so one brand is fine but not another? You are very vague and I suspect that is some random prejudgement based on your perspective as an adult. If you planned to buy her what you wanted then why ask?

Simple because you wanted to make a show that you have a more important opinion / better taste than hers. It's a passive aggressive control thing

Fine if that's your bag ..... but don't then act surprised when she didn't jump for joy

She will remember this ....like I remember the way my mother "knew better" about my school leavers ball dress and I was humiliated

Like my niece has remembered when her mother "knew better " about the colour of top she wanted and she got teased .

If you have a genuine reason (fair enough a t shirt that says slut....justified refusal) give a reason and be honest....don't play a manipulative game of letting her hope and then a power play of you being so so much more important in her choices

You made her presents about you...kudos that's a special kind of self involved

I have two boys...do you think I'd choose to spend my money on fifty two different kinds of fire engine over the last three years? Hell no id have bought many more mac lipsticks

But that would have made me a crap mother

I should also point out that other family members did buy her some of the things on the list so as well as what I'd chosen she did get a few other things she'd requested. She's been really lucky and she knows that.

I do find the thinking on here bonkers sometimes and not just because the majority of posters think I'm in the wrong, I accept that. But if I'd posted that I was buying DD expensive underwear and make-up for her 14th I'm sure there would have been loads of people saying I was BU and should get less to teach her the value of money.

As I said I really appreciate the majority of responses which have given me a lot of food for thought but I sometimes think what MNers think is a world away from what people IRL would say.

I'm being a bit vague because it's a public forum and I'd prefer not to give away every detail of my life (I do see the irony in that...)

I chose the presents I did because it was the best use of my budget that allowed me to get both something from her wishlist and a 'pile' of things. I'm not some kind of mad control freak and just because a few posters' mothers were shit doesn't mean I am, I resent being tarred with that brush just because I screwed up a bit while trying to do a nice thing.

Learning the value of money is an important life lesson. But birthday presents are not about getting the best value or spending wisely. They are by their nature about buying the over priced stuff you wouldn't dream of spending on in your day to day spending. The only constraints should be common decency, the other person's welfare and budget.

For me it's important to get my DCs/DSCs something they DIDN'T ask for. That's not to say I won't get them things I know they have seen/wanted, but a big part of gift giving for me is finding something they never knew they wanted. Or even knew existed. That probably sounds like I'm making it about MY wants and feelings as the giver, but what I mean is, the right present for a person isn't always what they ask for, and if you REALLY think about it then going off list isn't an issue. E.g. high quality manga pens for anime-mad DSD, she'd never heard of them but she was over the moon and uses them all the time (was actually thanks to a recommendation on MN). I think it's important to make it clear that the list, if there is one, won't be the be all and end all though. DD does ask for particular things sometimes but if it's not going to happen (too expensive/inappropriate etc) I make it clear, or as happens more nowadays - she's nearly 9 and is into a lot of geeky stuff with heavy merchandising, sigh - I remind her that asking for lots of stuff doesn't mean you get it all, and that some things will be surprises. That has been a happy medium so far. May change when she's older but hopefully we can keep the same method of some asked for stuff (eg DD has repeatedly said she'd love a new doll, and she's getting one although the type is a surprise) and some rather off the wall things.

But if I'd posted that I was buying DD expensive underwear and make-up for her 14th I'm sure there would have been loads of people saying I was BU and should get less to teach her the value of money.

You may well be right there! Especially if it was about Christmas rather than her birthday, those threads always get crazy which is why I always enjoy reading them :).

I'm sure my mother didn't deliberately do the wrong thing. She still did it.

Good you asked op. Will you do anything differently next year or are you happy with your current choice?

Hope your dd had a lovely day 🎂

But if I'd posted that I was buying DD expensive underwear and make-up for her 14th I'm sure there would have been loads of people saying I was BU and should get less to teach her the value of money.
Strange logic. You could go to Poundland and buy a year's supply of toilet paper. Would be a really good value for money, and everybody needs toilet paper anyway

Whether or not there was an expense, I would have bought a few things from a list by giving her a few items she asked for (probably in order of most-wanted) rather than buying something different or making up with a handful of things she didn't. That would be buying just for the sake of buying.
In our home birthday and christmas lists are just a gift guideline. If it is something specific, yes, but it's not a given that everything requested will be ticked, purchased and wrapped.
My DD is not 14 so still a few years off but I hope to hell I don't ever need to buy designer underwear
(Fwiw I see CK, Superdry etc as more brand than designer)

Agree that birthday presents are lovely for the things we 'most hope for' and wouldn't ordinarily buy ourselves.

I think the responses are split between those who have experienced being punished by presents and those who haven't.

OP - if I wrote my instinctive reaction I would get soooo barred from here, as I have unfortunately I have been on the receiving end of, 'you said you wanted x, but you are getting y, because you are unimportant and you need to like what I tell you'. I am not sure that you mean that, and perhaps it's a good idea to think about it for the next gift giving occasion.

Lady - my DS, who is 11, has designer underwear.

OP, bit confused why you thought it would be a good idea to get what you want, not bashing, but seems a bit pointless.

The thing is that if you buy a teen something they haven't asked for (unless you have found something you just know they would love) it's likely to sit in s cupboard unused anyway.

My teens write a list in order of importance to them. The greater the cost of the first item the less they will get off their list. Sometimes they have only got the first item.

But, they know the family budget, discuss if their items are affordable and know when payday is and are totally accepting when the answer is no.

If someone expresses a preference specifically, then that's what the recipient would like. The difference between what the recipient has asked for and and what some one else decides is close enough is usually a million miles. Would rather have one thing spot-on perfect than a pile of unwanted near-misses. I concede, I am seriously picky and entitled.

I think part of raising children is teaching them the value of money and value for money. I don't see a problem as long as you bought her some items specifically from her list.

I'm only replying as I'm surprised by how many people would have bought all/many of the things on your dd list!

I don't think you were bu op!

Why should kids get everything that they want just because they ask for it? I certainly don't want to bring up my children to feel "entitled" to having whatever they ask for!

I wouldnt buy expensive designer make-up for a 14 year old as I don't think it's appropriate, and I'm not big on buying designer products for the name/brand either. However If it was something that dc still really wanted, I would probably let them use their own money and maybe "top it up" if required.

We live in such a materialistic society it's difficult to keep a balance!

Waterlemon

"Why should kids get everything that they want just because they ask for it? I certainly don't want to bring up my children to feel "entitled" to having whatever they ask for! " Because the daughter didn't walk up to her mum and request these things, she was asked to give ideas of what she wanted.

Why ask for ideas or a list if you're not going to listen to them or go of the list?

And buying a 14 year old makeup - i wouldn't bat an eyelid, as for designer underwear - entirely depends on the underwear, if it's age appropriate.

I would have bought her what she wanted as long as it wasn't too costly. If it was, I would let her know so before the actually birthday so she wouldn't be disappointed on the actual day. No way would I buy different things unless she had specifically said she would like a "surprise" (I bet not many 14 year olds want that though).

My DDs would say you were unreasonable not buying the makeup
I actually bought them a palette each for Xmas and they were delighted (they are older at 17 & 18). I wouldn't have bought £50 underwear though!
I hope you have all had a good day though and lots of cake