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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not have bought my DD (14) what she wanted for her birthday

386 replies

TwentyOneGuns · 16/06/2016 08:02

Interested to know what other people think - a few weeks back I asked her few some ideas, for me and also because family often ask for suggestions. Most of the things on her list were expensive make-up, designer underwear - basically things I didn't really want to spend my money on. I did get her some perfume she'd asked for and some underwear from a brand she likes but not the one she'd suggested, then I spent the rest of my budget on other things I thought she'd like.

It's her birthday today and although she made an effort to appear pleased (and really did like some of the presents I think) I know her well enough to tell she was disappointed not to have received more of the things she'd hoped for and is probably wondering why I bothered to ask for ideas.

I feel a bit bad now - one the one hand I think that presents should be about the person receiving them not what the giver thinks they should have. But on the other I don't think kids (and she is still a kid and at an impressionable age) should get everything they ask for and parents should have some choice about what they spend their hard-earned cash on.

As it happens she was lucky enough to receive money from quite a few relations so if she wants to she can buy some of the things I didn't get - I will be interested to see if they're as desirable when they are costing almost all of her birthday money though!

OP posts:
tiggytape · 16/06/2016 11:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Whathaveilost · 16/06/2016 11:14

Do none of you think some birthday gifts should be a surprise?
no, not really.

MissMoo22 · 16/06/2016 11:24

I have a 14 yr old and a 10 yr old and every Xmas/Bday I tell them to write a list with things they are interested in/want but that the list is for me to get a rough idea of what they would like and that there's no guarantee they'll get any/all of it. They are absolutely fine with this and make a huge list as they know I usually pick a few things off it or see where their interests lie and get them something I think they'll love.

Every single year they are more than happy with their presents but they are always most surprised at how much they love the thing that wasn't on their list but I bought them anyway because I could see from their lists where they were at in life (eg 14 year would have a lot of gadgets on his list so I would search those websites where they had cool gadgets that aren't really mainstream but amazing finds or 10 year old got tickets to a WWE show even though he hadn't even thought to ask for those but WWE figures and playsets were on his list....that was the best day of his life apparently) and what they might love but they hadn't thought of yet.

I think as long as you let them know in advance that the list isn't a list of what they are getting but a general idea of things they would like and that you will pick off a few and use your imagination for the rest then they can't be disappointed with that. And if I see anything on the list that is a definite no then they will be told that in advance so they aren't sat expecting an iphone 5 and a mac book just because it was on their list.

sashh · 16/06/2016 11:26

ghostysloveshee

Try Amazon. I had a few from their (teenage nieces) and also US sellers, it can actually be cheaper to import it.

Katedotness1963 · 16/06/2016 11:39

Out youngest is 15 next month. He has directed us towards his updated Amazon wish list. He'll get some of it, but he has 8 Xbox one games on there, at around £50 a pop there's no way that's in the budget. So he may get a couple and a couple of things not on his wish list. I think you did fine OP, birthdays and Christmas can get horribly expensive once the kids reach the teen years.

ohtheholidays · 16/06/2016 12:01

I just googled for it Ghosty there were alot of legit shops that came up.

2rebecca · 16/06/2016 12:07

I generally get my kids what they ask for up to the limit I'm prepared to spend although these days they tend to want money.
I would have made the amount available fairly clear and got her to prioritise stuff.
I would then have got her the top things she asked for regardless of whether I thought they were overpriced. She's 14 not 4 and it's her birthday not mine.

Hiddenaspie1973 · 16/06/2016 12:10

Don't feel bad. You love and care for her. You keep her safe. You bought her some pressies from her (rather long) list.
She can choose to spend birthday money on expensive stuff if she likes.
I don't spend much on me, and certainly don't buy my child designer items.

Hiddenaspie1973 · 16/06/2016 12:13

Oh, and my child put an iPad at the top of her birthday list. I've just told her no straight off.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 16/06/2016 12:16

I thought the whole point of birthday and other presents was that they were a treat that you wouldn't necessarily buy for yourself.

Otherwise you might as well receive all the boring essentials that you'd buy anyway? If she's given you a wish list value £200 and her birthday budget is £50 then she gets a quarter of it?

Bombaybunty · 16/06/2016 12:21

I'm having a similar dilemma. DS is 14 soon and we have asked for ideas for birthday presents.
The only suggestion has been some 3D thing for his playstation.
It's over £300 so he wants money towards it. I've said no. I cannot spend any more money on PlayStation related things. I refuse.
Now he's sulking.

NatalieRushman · 16/06/2016 12:26

She doesn't sound spoilt at all. She knew to pretend to be happy for you, wich is very good manners. I'm of the opinion that you should have gone with her list, even if you didn't buy everything. Why ask for a list, then buy somehing that isn't on the list? She probably thinks that you weren't paying enough attention to the list and therefore only remembered the perfume.

I'd recommend just giving money Grin I stopped asking for presents at the age of 12 and just got money from my parents instead, and they told me to get what I wanted. Unfortunately for my parents I was the tightest teenager ever and stuck ot in the bank and didn't spend any of it

differentnameforthis · 16/06/2016 13:22

one the one hand I think that presents should be about the person receiving them not what the giver thinks they should have ... But on the other I don't think kids should get everything they ask for and parents should have some choice about what they spend their hard-earned cash on. Then why bother asking her for a list?

I don't ever get everything on my girl's lists, but to not really take any notice of it at all seems odd. My logic is, that if I get something they don't like/want, I am actually wasting my hard earned money because they won't use/play with it.

Do your kids expect to get everything from their wish list on birthdays? Why does buying them what they ask for mean "everything" on their list. My kids make massive lists. I chose items from it, the ages they are at, unless I ask for ideas, I have NO idea what they want.

Dh asks me for a list every year. I have started sending him MMS with pictures of what I like, still, EVERY time I get stuff I don't want, or can't use (cheap creams/weird coloured nail polish) and it is flipping frustrating & feels like no one really cares what you actually want. I now buy for myself, which is really bloody boring.

Last yr I took my 12yr old shopping for her birthday, as I didn't have a clue what she wanted, neither did she! I would mush rather not have "surprises" than waste money on stuff they don't like/will return/won't use.

RainIsAGoodThing · 16/06/2016 13:42

Sad that she didn't value my opinion and sad she didn't understand me.

This Sad I feel a bit sorry for her.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 16/06/2016 14:13

As an aside I'd be very surprised if the £17 UD palette mentioned up thread was genuine.

It was. As I said, the first one was from Debenhams so it would be very obvious if it was a fake. I can't remember where I bought it I've had it ages < fading memory!> It doesn't take very much googling to find good deals on line.

Aeroflotgirl · 16/06/2016 14:16

Yabu, I would have not got her all the things on her list, but a couple of items, like the designer undies and some make up. Why ask!

TwentyOneGuns · 16/06/2016 14:33

Thanks again for all the responses but can I just answer the poster who referred to me as 'cruel' (sorry I'm on my phone and can't scroll back easily). I know this is AIBU and I've taken all the different comments on the chin but I think that was hurtful and uncalled for - I'm not sure what your definition of cruel is but mine doesn't include trying to do the best by your child even if you screw it up sometimes. There are sadly plenty of cruel parents out there but I'm pretty sure I'm not one of them.

OP posts:
sizeofalentil · 16/06/2016 14:45

You were being very unreasonable - you basically asked her for things she wanted, then ignored it to prove a point.

I imagine she feels unlistened to and ignored now.

sizeofalentil · 16/06/2016 14:50

You're definitely not cruel OP - present buying is a bloody minefield.

There was actually a scientific study saying people were happier when they were given the exact gift they asked for, rather than surprises: greatist.com/happiness/science-gift-giving-121812

There's some great article out there about the science of gift-giving. Another study said experiences are better than gifts. So next time if you truly hate everything on her list, maybe give her a DIY voucher for a day out, or dinner, just the two of you?

Mishaps · 16/06/2016 14:53

All our children had one present for their birthday - it sounds as though this child had a whole list of stuff.

LordoftheTits · 16/06/2016 15:55

Your reasoning behind not buying her the Naked Palette is bonkers. Why should she have to work to earn that but not fancy underwear? The CK underwear is for sale on ASOS and they usually have loads of discount codes so you could have gotten it cheaper instead of buying something she didn't ask for.

I work full time but my Naked Palette was a gift from my mum Wink

Nataleejah · 16/06/2016 16:52

YABU
I feel for your DD. My DM used to have the same shitty attitude oh, you're just a kid, don't expect good stuff cheapy cosmetics and plastic jewelry is just enough.
And no, i did never expect anything that would have been unaffordable.

GreenShadow · 16/06/2016 19:24

It sounds to meas if you've been extremely generous!

Our DC usually only get one present so a 'pile' of still relatively expensive (by yours and mine standards) sounds perfectly adequate. I agree with you that teens shouldn't expect to have all the designer items that they want and need to learn about value of money. Spending her birthday money on one or two of the other items she suggested sounds like an excllent idea to help her realise this.

angiebabes2k · 16/06/2016 19:25

I would take it as a lesson learned. She's old enough to know what she wants but also old enough to realise the cost. In future id give her a budget and ask her what she wants to buy with it

Lovelyjubbly87 · 16/06/2016 19:30

I agree with ambernectatine, she doesn't sound spoilt. She tried to hide her disappointment, a spoilt child would of said something. Id be quite proud that she cared enough about your feelings to hide it. Even a normal teenager could've thrown a strop. I wouldn't not ask her in the future as you will be wasting money buying things she doesn't want. How about going into town with her and seeing what she likes and then going back it'll be a nice surprise as you haven't directly asked her. Or even make it a fun day out shopping together, tell her she has X amount of money and spend some time together too.