To not give this 'friend's' child a lift to school anymore

[elodie2000]

DD has been 'friends' with this girl since the start of primary school. I have know my 'friend' (her Mum) for the same number of years. We have met each other socially many times in the past.
They both started high school 5 miles away from home at the same time and are coming to the end of their first year. I have taken them both in the car all year and was happy to do so because I thought DD and friend's daughter were good friends. I also thought I was good friends with her Mum.
However…I have not seen (or really heard from) this girl's Mum all year. It's almost like I am now doing this 'job' for her and she doesn't really need to make an effort anymore. I get very short text messages to arrange pick up times etc. but that's it. The girl has also turned out to be not such a good friend to DD after all. She is very competitive, ignores DD when she tries to make conversation (replies with one word answers) and is rude to me (no hello, goodbye or thank you).
Today, this girl spent the journey looking out of the window and DD didn't bother with her as she's given up trying.
WIBU to just text Mum and say we're not able to give her a lift anymore even though I know she would struggle to get her DD there herself?
Give a reason? Not give a reason? WWYD?

Ahh well, the mum sounds like one of those who believes others exist to make life less 'difficult' for them. She'll just find someone else. My daughter leaves for a bus at 7 in the morning and has done so since seventh standard. If I were to drop her by car (35 minute drive), she wouldn't need to leave until 8. So what if her daughter needs to leave half an hour earlier?

I suspect that at some point you may get some pressure when they realise that you are still doing the same journey at the same time with a spare seat in your car.

She may get the pressure, yes, and that will be interesting. It's part of being assertive that you have to suck up the heat and not care. Luckily this is a pretty clear YANBU so the OP can always check in and ask what now? But I think we would all love to hear an update, I would anyway. But I reckon the OP's going to be fine, especially when she zooms past with an empty seat and splashes the mother with puddle water
I love this thread. Cheers OP

Even if the "friend" does come back then if the OP does want to do the arrangement on a different footing, then that's the time to sort it out.

The potential new arrangement being that OP does mornings to school and "friend" brings both girls back. I'm sure a few weeks of earlier mornings and a moany mum or bus journey will make ungrateful child a bit more grateful and thankful. Win win.

We have been doing lifts to and from the train station for Saturday morning school for a kid for about 2 years now, and once his parents gave us half a sponge cake the mum had baked (yes, half!) it is a not a big detour but still. Very occasionally if we can't make it they deign to get up on a Saturday morning. Felling a mug now.

God almighty, how awful. How arrogant do you have to be not to realise that this is out of order? I would go with BabyGanoush's advice except I would NO WAY carry on doing it until Sept. A friendly text to say that from NOW ON (well, Monday) the arrangement can't continue is perfectly reasonable imo. You do NOT have to give her notice! Really can't believe the cheek of this woman.

YANBU

Have you spoken to your daughter about it?
They could be best friends again by the end of week. I don't think yabu. I'd feel the same. But would talk to your dd first see how she feels about it.

Tell you are exploring your DD going to school on the bus in September and from Monday she will be doing practice runs so you will no longer be available for lifts

YANBU, I can't believe how your friend has treated you! I'm currently relying on a mum at dc' school to give me lifts in the afternoon for pick ups as I'm heavily pregnant with hip problems and she kindly offered. It'll amount to around a month if baby shows up late and I have to be induced, I feel incredibly embarrassed but thankful for it and get DH to take me at least once a week so I'm not imposing all of the time.

She won't accept petrol money so I'm buying her a big bunch of flowers, chocolates and some wine once baby is here and certainly wouldn't dream of letting it go on like your friend has. Just because they're doing that journey, you don't owe people your car space.

If the girls don't talk anymore then you can just say the car journeys are becoming awkward and could she make alternative arrangements to get her daughter to school, give her a time scale like over the summer so that at the start of next term you'll be free :)

Could I gently suggest people read at least the OP's contributions before posting further kind suggestions? She resolved this issue quite a long time ago.

Oops. That was all sorted nice and easily. Well done OP

People are either drains or radiators. Your'friend' is the former, you are the latter. Share your warmth elsewhere and do what's right for you and DD.

Oops. Thanks Augusta - missed that. Still the sentiment remains.

Well, this is s disappointing thread. You told her you wouldn't do it any more, and she just accepted it. Couldn't you have made something up, to make it more interesting for us. We don't all have lives, you know.

SanityClause

Yes. She could have threatened to set fire to your house or something.

I guess it depends how much you value her past friendship, but have you asked if everything is ok? If her behaviour towards you is out of character, maybe it's a sign there's something difficult happening. That could be making her daughter struggle, too. Eg when my parents split up, they were very stressed and I became quite socially isolated for a time. Might be worth checking that nothing bad has happened to the family.

YANBU

The other Mum probably didn't offer to pick up the OPs DD because she'd have to do something with her for the hour until the OP came home.

Quite happy to impose on someone but not put herself out at all.

Elodie2000 you will be nominated for the 2016 Balls of Steel Awards

People are either drains or radiators.

I like that thought. Drains and radiators.

Been there done that too! I took a girl to school, dance classes, swimming... Child was rude, nasty to my daughter and as you said their friendship was just not made to last. I just made excuses and ended it. Don't feel guilty, after all, you're not a taxi service! In a few similar arrangements now but we share the load. Win, win. Just do it. Just say, sorry, circumstances have changed and I can't do it anymore. Liberating!!

A timely reminder to make sure if your kids are getting a lift they remember please and thank uou and that you show your appreciation yourself too - whether it's petrol money and a thank you or an occasional box of chocolates.

When I changed jobs my friend used to drive a mile past the school from her house to pick my son up and drop him at school when she knew I was on late shifts and didn't get in from work til 1 am. I'd take her and or all the kids bowling now and again as a thank you - I used to have to fight to get to the pay desk first .....but she knew I appreciated the lifts "kids" are now in their twenties and we've both moved away but we're still best friends -Had I taken her for granted I doubt we still would be.

The 'drains and radiators' thing, if I can't self-identify as either then what am I? I'm very self-reliant and tend to organise myself and my family so that I don't need favours. I'm happy to do occasional favours for a friend but never let myself get tied into anything regular or long-running, and I have absolutely no urge to jump in and help people out when they're telling me about their problems.

Tell her that from 1st July you are charging.

No, that was a joke.

I agree with everyone above.