to tell close friend her hubby is cheating. it will break her heart. she's happy

[2beautifulkids]

I've name changed but posted some time ago about my friends husband.
She's a close friend and has recently had their dc2. He came round to my house one night and told me he was in love with me, tried to kiss me and was told to F off.

I didn't answer his calls or txts (there were lots) so he came to the house with his daughter (who tbh looked upset and like she had been forced into it ) saying that he didn't want to come round but she had been begging him to come and play with my dc. Funnily enough this was when his wife was out. After that he kept txting and calling me, banging on my door late at night wanting to "talk". There's nothing to talk about. I don't like him. I'd never in a million years do anything with him if he was single let alone married to my friend.

Today he started calling this morning and proceeded through the day (at no point did I answer). Then started txting asking what was up with me because I was usually friendly (well I am Infront of family and friends just not with him on his own).

I told him exactly why and that I didn't want contact with him. At no point have I threatened to tell his wife, I've thought about it but not done it. She's just had a baby and I don't want to hurt her or make things worse for her at home. But the worse he's getting I'm thinking I really need to. I just don't understand why I have to be the one to break her heart?? Why she deserves to have her heart broken?? She's done nothing wrong, I've done nothing wrong other than not telling her sooner but I can't see any other way anymore.

I kept messaging him today saying I didn't want to speak to him because of the things he had done and he just said that he was trying to put a smile on my face and it was nothing more than close friends talking. He sent me messages about wanting to have passionate sex with me and wanting to take me out after his divorce and when I explained to him that this isn't how people make each other smile he just kept saying he's done nothing wrong he just likes my company.

AIBU to want to tell friend now and what is the least damaging way to do this (to her). I feel like whatever I say or do it's going to come as a massive shock. She doesn't deserve this. There's a selfish bit of me wishing he had chosen someone else to try it on with aswel. Why put me in this position?

The op said I was spot on with my last but one post, so my last post stands.

I think he either went along today to see you - or because he is worried you will tell her if you are alone with her. Tread carefully OP. He will be worried now.

When men act inappropriately I think there are a number of reasons women sometimes try to let the man down gently, which have nothing to do with wanting his advances. A) fear, he might take rejection badly and become aggressive. B) self -questioning, did I accidentally send signals. C) socialisation, to be polite and not make a scene. Etc. There are other reasons too.

Not fair to blame the op, she didn't invite this. Telling her she didn't say no strongly enough is victim blaming.

What strikes me most OP is the fact that he is refusing to back down! Sooner or later you will have to do something, this being calling the police or telling your friend. Mind you, your friend might not like you talking to the police before telling her so that they can "resolve" the problem. Bringing the police in might cause them to be more irrational than you just telling her about him.

At some point he will play it down in his mind and convince himself that he can have another go at you and keep taking his chances again and again because he sees your politeness as weakness. Especially if he behaves like that to other women too.

I am sure most of us have suddenly but clearly cut people off our lives or become unusually cold to avoid further involvement (not necessarily a relationship). OP, now that you have the experience you know what to do. I would say that losing your cool is not the same as being blunt and excluding him. Or you could combine both of them but then I am an explosive person

Now would be a good time to gather all the evidence and ask the police how you should handle any further contact.

I thought BitOutOfPractice text was great.
Threatening the police and then following through with your threat if he did not desist.

What have you decided to do OP ?

Hi Holly, two days on the run now I've had two very long winded messages off him with no reply from myself.

His dds swimming lesson is at the same place as mine half an hour before and I expected him to be there waiting outside this week as per his style.
I rang my mum before I got out the car and chatted to her all the way inside pretending I hadn't even seen him and went straight inside, I could hear him saying hello to my dd over my shoulder. I went straight into the women's changing rooms and when I came out there was another long message from him.

I'm thinking at this point that he won't let it go so I should tell my friend, I've tried my absolute hardest for the sake of their life to shut his feelings down and say nothing but it's got to a stage where it's just not fair she needs to know what he's doing.

The only problem is I'm a lone parent with a car in the garage so I'm stuck at home at the moment. He works evenings so evenings would be the best time.

I've just messaged her asking if she's free and was thinking the best option (given that my cars off the road and I don't have a sitter) might be to FaceTime her. Will she hate me even more for doing this over FaceTime?

Would really appreciate advice on this because I feel like I need to do it and FaceTime feels a bit cowardly but otherwise it would have to wait days and he's still being a slimy prick.

It's a tough one but I think you need to see her in person.

But on the other hand if that is going to drag things out and you would rather get it done maybe just go for it!

I suppose it isn't going to go down that well however you say it.

If it was me I would make sure from beginning through to end that I love her so much and don't want to hurt her but couldn't not tell her.

I'm not sure Facetime is the way to go personally.
I think face to face is better.

You did not ask for this , so do it FaceTime if that is best for you.

Change of heart. She diddnt get back to me for a long time when I asked if she was free to FaceTime.
I rang a mutual (trusted) close friend to ask for advice. Before I even started the conversation she asked if it was him and said her and her hubby had noticed him acting differently especially around me.
She said she really doesn't think it's a good idea to tell her at the moment. She would blame me, believe him when he talked his way out of it and have less support as a result. Friend thinks she would hate me less in the long run for not saying anything because theres a reason why.. Her marriage/happiness.

I'm going to do that for now. Keep my distance and just see how it goes. I'll be making sure he doesn't ring or txt me but there for her the best I can be in whatever way I can be. I don't really agree with my decision but I don't want to hurt her and we think she would stay in the marriage anyway.
My estimations of him are now in the gutter and that is irreparable.

Is there a way I can ask for this to be taken down now the drama is over?

They may change it to 90 days or something if you ask. Youve not given any really personal info, have you? They don't usually take a thread down unless there's a lot of nasty posts or infringements or to protect privacy.

This man is stalking you. he wont just stop and whilst you are being thoughtful and kind he isn't and never will be towards you.

How can your friend blame you? you didn't write the text messages or initiate anything?

I worry about your safety OP. Things like this never just stop or resolve themselves of their own accord. they only ever escalate.

did the friend you got advice from know of all the texts and their contents or did you just do an edited highlights type thing?

Did you ask this trusted friend what you should do if he comes round at silly o clock or behaved inappropriately again? What would her advice be? Pretend it isn't happening? That's all well and good but what about your safety OP? You are allowed to NOT be stalked/harassed by someone. Did this friend care about how you felt in all of it?

I think your friend is wrong, sorry.

Hmm...I wonder how she would have reacted if you reframed the way you told her. If you had just said 'there is a man who won't leave me alone, he turns up at 1 in the morning banging on my door, he continues to send me texts and contact me despite me repeatedly telling him not to etc etc', would she have still advised you to keep it hush hush?

Or have we got the wrong end of the stick reading this thread, because to many of us it does sound like stalking behaviour, whereas you seem to be reading it simply as a (would be) filandering husband. Are we being hysterical and over cautious, do you think?

I get that keeping it secret may be practical when it is a one-off pass that he has made, but this sustained unwanted contact means you need to think about its affect on you as well as the affect on your friend.

If her friends have noticed she will have too.

She is now in that awful position of suspecting but having no proof.

If she asks him, he will deny it. He will minimise and say it's nothing. You are helping him to do that.

It will be harder for him to do that if there is a restraining order against him. Go to the police like you have been advised to do over and over.

If your car is off the road how did you get your DDs to swimming? You say that you got out of the car and rung your mum at the same time.

I'm not really understanding any of this to be honest. You have been given good advice all through this thread but seem to ignore or drip feed.

Hellothere - the Miss Marple in me wondered about working not working car.

He could already be / have been shagging around with other women (or worse!) given he's chasing you. I think you owe it to your friend to tell her just because of the potential STD ramifications, let alone the other relationship issues. If your friend is breastfeeding her new baby, couldn't it even result in HIV being passed onto the child?

I think you should ask the police for advice.

She needs to know but I think it's a bit weird that you keep messaging him, even if he's instigating it. I'd cut all communication with him if it was me - why even enter into a conversation with him beyond when he initially told you how he felt and you turned him down? The best thing you can do is tell her. There is a chance your friendship won't be the same afterwards but i don't see that you have any other option.

Jesus I can't believe some of the things people question on here like I'd lie.

I took dd to swimming on Sunday. I drove my car. It was booked in for the mot Monday afternoon and it failed hence having work done on it.

If you're still interested it was the handbrake

Next they will want to see a receipt OP!