to tell close friend her hubby is cheating. it will break her heart. she's happy

[2beautifulkids]

I've name changed but posted some time ago about my friends husband.
She's a close friend and has recently had their dc2. He came round to my house one night and told me he was in love with me, tried to kiss me and was told to F off.

I didn't answer his calls or txts (there were lots) so he came to the house with his daughter (who tbh looked upset and like she had been forced into it ) saying that he didn't want to come round but she had been begging him to come and play with my dc. Funnily enough this was when his wife was out. After that he kept txting and calling me, banging on my door late at night wanting to "talk". There's nothing to talk about. I don't like him. I'd never in a million years do anything with him if he was single let alone married to my friend.

Today he started calling this morning and proceeded through the day (at no point did I answer). Then started txting asking what was up with me because I was usually friendly (well I am Infront of family and friends just not with him on his own).

I told him exactly why and that I didn't want contact with him. At no point have I threatened to tell his wife, I've thought about it but not done it. She's just had a baby and I don't want to hurt her or make things worse for her at home. But the worse he's getting I'm thinking I really need to. I just don't understand why I have to be the one to break her heart?? Why she deserves to have her heart broken?? She's done nothing wrong, I've done nothing wrong other than not telling her sooner but I can't see any other way anymore.

I kept messaging him today saying I didn't want to speak to him because of the things he had done and he just said that he was trying to put a smile on my face and it was nothing more than close friends talking. He sent me messages about wanting to have passionate sex with me and wanting to take me out after his divorce and when I explained to him that this isn't how people make each other smile he just kept saying he's done nothing wrong he just likes my company.

AIBU to want to tell friend now and what is the least damaging way to do this (to her). I feel like whatever I say or do it's going to come as a massive shock. She doesn't deserve this. There's a selfish bit of me wishing he had chosen someone else to try it on with aswel. Why put me in this position?

You should have told him to fuck off a long time ago.

He's a total weasel and his wife needs to know. What she does with that information is her choice but she deserves the truth from you if she's truly your friend.

Yes she might put the blame on you but that's risk you'll have to take.

You have the evidence, if she chooses denial then there's not much you can do about it.

it seems I'm the odd one out here but I don't like the idea of women being commanded to save other womens marriages.

Save their marriage?

I'd tell a friend assuming she'd want to call time on the marriage. Nothing at all about saving their relationship! If I thought a friend was the type to want to look the other way well then I wouldn't bother saying anything.

I'd say nothing. I had a friend I don't see any more. No big fall out or anything. Her hubby is like your friends. She knows but chooses to ignore it.
You have basically told him to fuck off and you can do no more than that.
Keep the messages just in case .
He sounds a bit unhinged.
She will find this out in good time.
If you tell her she will most likely think you have instigated this situation and blame you because her deluded hubby has told her you have a crush on him or whatever.
This is how there bastards work.
You really cant do anymore than to ignore him but at the same time remain a good friend to her.

Id take screen shots of all messages print them out and give them to her. For her dignity and your safety. He sounds very persistent, id be worried incase he physically tried anything and then turned it around on you

people say dont tell her not worth it
so she has to avoid a good friend and let her dickhead husband carry on chatting up others maybe?

sorry no if u dont tell her he will just do it again and maybe more

It depends whether you value your friendship over telling your friend.

If you tell her the friendship will likely be over she'll either belive him when he says it was your fault, or forever associate you with their split.

A tough call, I'd be tempted to say nothing and back off from her for a bit to let things calm down.

At least that way you can possibly pick up your friendship again in a little while, and he may get the message that you;re really not intestered and move on to someone else.

and let her dickhead husband carry on chatting up others maybe?

^ Yeah, this.

I doubt OP is the love of his life, he's probably trying it on with others too.

Not to alarm you but the reason I'm going against advice about what's the "right" thing to do (telling her) is that I'd be concerned for your safety if you told his wife.

He would turn on you like a sixpence.

I don't think you would end up with much of a friendship with her if you didn't tell her to be honest.

maggie how is that valuing a friendship ignoring it and letting him move on to someone else

Well yes tell her if you like but be prepared to be disappointed in her reaction. She will probably cool it with you - may think there is no smoke without fire and go into some kind of denial.

You probably could do with a break from them both yourself, and recover from him pestering you at least. Think what's best for you right now.

It's true that messengers do get blamed and shot.

OP do you have a brother/ father/ male friend who can confront him for you. I may be wrong but I get the impression that he is from a culture where women are respected much less than men. Do you share religion/ culture with this couple? Have you grown up being made to believe that men should be respected and obeyed? Is it very unusual for a woman to stand up to a man in your/ their culture?

If I am right then I think you need a male friend/ relative/ local community warden/religious leader/ even your children's father to warn him off.I honestly don't think that he will listen to you if he is from a culture where woman are not respected.

If there is no one who can support you then you have no option but to contact the police. In fact even if you do have a male relative willing to become involved youstill need to contact the police. I would file a complaint about the harassment and try to speak to your friend on your own and tell her that you are sorry, as much as you love and value her as a friend, you will have to stop seeing her and her husband. Explain that he has been sexually harassing you for several months and despite your constant refusal, he continues to harass you at all hours of the night. Tell her that you have been forced to make a complaint to the police as his incessant behaviour left you feeling frightened and incredibly vulnerable. Explain that if she separates from him in the future, or if he becomes abusive of her you will always be there for her. But you have to protect yourself and your children. Telling her will spell the end of your relationship any way, so you may as well be open, honest and emphasize the gravity of the situation.

Do not initiate any further contact with him.
Block him.
Print out all the messages.
Go to the police.

This is harassment. It is obsessive behaviour.
Please read The Gift of Feaf by Gavin de Becker asap.

I'm repeating what other sensible posters have already said. Police. The man's harassing you - stalking you, in fact. You've told him unequivocally, in writing, to stop. He continued. That's a crime. Report it.

Stop fucking around with thoughts of showing his wife the messages and what about her marriage. She's married to a crazy stalker, fgs! It's not your fault her husband's a scary predator, and nothing you can do will change the fact that he is.

Ring 101, talk them through it, express the strength of your feeling and show them the evidence.

They'll start off with a warning letter, most likely. Personally I think they should go harder with this man and they might. Depends on the officers you get.

Once you've got a police report, then talk to your friend.

I am very, very sorry you've been targeted by such a nasty man and that you know his wife.

Is he controlling of his wife? Does she have a strong network of support other than you?

I think he knows exactly what he's doing, and is trying to drive a wedge between you and your friend. Could this be happening?

I think you need to tell her

You should be concerned first and foremost for your own emotional and physical safety. Not your friendships. Can't believe how many posters think that being loyal to your friend and revealing to her the truth about her husband is the most important thing, when her husband is stalking and harassing you.

I lost a good friend once because she had a husband like this, even scarier. When these situations escalate you might end up in a situation where he might attack you on grounds that he thought you were 'consenting'. I still miss my friend every day but there is no way I would value any friendship so much that I put myself at risk. And no, I did not tell her the truth about her husband. Women like this always know, or are in denial, or else like pp said they won't believe you anyway.

I have good friends now whose husbands don't threaten my safety in any way whatsoever or behave creepily around me. Don't be afraid to walk away. Leave them both to it. You will make other friends who don't put your safety at risk. You cannot be friends with someone who is married to your stalker.

I just don't understand why I have to be the one to break her heart?? Why she deserves to have her heart broken?? She's done nothing wrong, I've done nothing wrong other than not telling her sooner but I can't see any other way anymore.

Ok, so a man is coming to your house late at night, kissing you when you tell him to f off, banging on your door late at night, and what you are worried about most of all in this situation is breaking his wife's heart? This is not a soap opera, right? It's your life. This is why a pp asked you to consider whether you are subconsciously enjoying the drama.

^ what Garlicsteak said. I'm a bit scared for you OP. This needs to be managed by the police right now. You don't want to share what info you have with his wife without the police's involvement, you do not know how he will react. Please take this seriously.

Agree with Kawlinga and Garlicsteak.

You are somewhat missing the wood for the trees by focusing on his wife/your friend. That is why more than a few people are asking whether whether you are secretly enjoying the drama and attention and one-up-man-ship over his wife and whether you were previously emotionally involved with him. I would suggest you ask yourself those questions whilst reporting to the police pronto. Good luck.

tbh though what can the police do a friend is coming round with his dc thats all he will say and deny the rest-then it might get worse

theres no proof hes actually stalking her

Get a file and print out absolutely everything you have including this thread. Any times you know he's called at the door, write them down and what happened. Note the entire lot. Whether you decide to tell her or even if it comes to going to the police, you need the evidence.

tell her. if this was me i would be devastated if you didn't tell me.