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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to tell close friend her hubby is cheating. it will break her heart. she's happy

181 replies

2beautifulkids · 15/06/2016 17:48

I've name changed but posted some time ago about my friends husband.
She's a close friend and has recently had their dc2. He came round to my house one night and told me he was in love with me, tried to kiss me and was told to F off.

I didn't answer his calls or txts (there were lots) so he came to the house with his daughter (who tbh looked upset and like she had been forced into it ) saying that he didn't want to come round but she had been begging him to come and play with my dc. Funnily enough this was when his wife was out. After that he kept txting and calling me, banging on my door late at night wanting to "talk". There's nothing to talk about. I don't like him. I'd never in a million years do anything with him if he was single let alone married to my friend.

Today he started calling this morning and proceeded through the day (at no point did I answer). Then started txting asking what was up with me because I was usually friendly (well I am Infront of family and friends just not with him on his own).

I told him exactly why and that I didn't want contact with him. At no point have I threatened to tell his wife, I've thought about it but not done it. She's just had a baby and I don't want to hurt her or make things worse for her at home. But the worse he's getting I'm thinking I really need to. I just don't understand why I have to be the one to break her heart?? Why she deserves to have her heart broken?? She's done nothing wrong, I've done nothing wrong other than not telling her sooner but I can't see any other way anymore.

I kept messaging him today saying I didn't want to speak to him because of the things he had done and he just said that he was trying to put a smile on my face and it was nothing more than close friends talking. He sent me messages about wanting to have passionate sex with me and wanting to take me out after his divorce and when I explained to him that this isn't how people make each other smile he just kept saying he's done nothing wrong he just likes my company.

AIBU to want to tell friend now and what is the least damaging way to do this (to her). I feel like whatever I say or do it's going to come as a massive shock. She doesn't deserve this. There's a selfish bit of me wishing he had chosen someone else to try it on with aswel. Why put me in this position?

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 15/06/2016 19:01

Is that helpful, WellErr? Do you feel good now?

2beautifulkids... What's the timeline for this? How long ago did he start acting inappropriately?

You have done absolutely nothing wrong, the only thing that I would say is that you need to have an answer for your friend as to why it's taken so long to tell her and why you kept replying to him (even if it's to tell him to sod off).

Does he want to be divorced? It sounds, from what you've posted, that he doesn't seem to care one way or the other - or is that just bravado, do you think?

Mooingcow · 15/06/2016 19:04

These texts make it sound as though you are emotionally involved a little. Are you?

I really think you need to totally detach.

Hellothereitsme · 15/06/2016 19:07

Do what others say and detach. You are engaging with him and I don't know why? I would be avoiding him and have his number blocked. Why haven't you done that?

If you tell wife you will in short term certainly lose a friend as they might want to work on marriage and block you from their life.

Just ignore. Stop replying to him as from the outside it could be seen as you liking the attention.

Serialweightwatcher · 15/06/2016 19:11

BitOutOfPractice thank you Thanks

MooPointCowsOpinion · 15/06/2016 19:12

I'm afraid I would have to tell her. It's a huge risk to your friendship, but ultimately all you can do is lay the facts out and retreat, making sure she knows she can contact you for support or to ask follow up questions.

laurenwiltxx · 15/06/2016 19:15

Tell him you will tell her

MooPointCowsOpinion · 15/06/2016 19:16

Also, his grammar/punctuation is appalling, I can hardly work out what he is trying to say.

FlyingElbows · 15/06/2016 19:16

Fgs stop engaging with him. Every time you reply he gets a reward. You don't need to be cheering him on you just need to react. Stop doing it. Tell her if you think she needs to know but I really hope he doesn't have a ream of nice texts from you because she'll never believe you if he does.

IJustLostTheGame · 15/06/2016 19:22

Just start to ignore him completely.

And I would tell her.
When, not if, he starts on someone else you will be her shoulder to cry on eventually, and then when she finds out you've been keeping stuff from her. ......

Flowers OP. You're in a horrible situation where nobody is going to win really.

Original poster
2beautifulkids · 15/06/2016 19:23

Just to be clear I have not and will not be replying to that last message. I just posted it to show the degree he is trying to make out he's just being nice.
His number is blocked from calling me and I will not be replying to the message with anything at all.
There's a slight language barrier, I think he's been in this country since he was at school and he's now mid 30s hence the grammar. That's the way he talks.
Does anybody have any tips on how to tell her? How to minimise the hurt?

OP posts:
ChicRock · 15/06/2016 19:25

I also don't understand why you are continuing to engage with this creep. Are you subconsciously enjoying the drama? That is one of the wankiest texts I've ever read.

Block him, show everything to his wife, and be prepared to explain to her why you didn't just tell him to fuck right off a loooong time ago.

GigiB · 15/06/2016 19:27

flyingelbows has got a point.

You said today he started calling and you ignored him then in the 3rd para you said you kept messaging him. I don't understand?

He is awful. You can't trust him. She can't trust him and its very sad. But you need to make sure you don't chat to him on any form of communication.

Serialweightwatcher · 15/06/2016 19:35

You could say something on the lines of: "I feel so bad having to tell you this as I care for you and know it will hurt, but if I don't say anything you may get hurt in the future - if it were the other way around, I would hope you would tell me as I would want to know" ......... that's if you indeed would want to know if it were your partner ... I know I would. Take care - know this must be so awful for you

Gide · 15/06/2016 19:36

Almost inevitably, you will lose her friendship. Why are you still getting messages from him? Why have you not blocked him? Phone the police, 101 number and ask for advice, just so it's logged.

Original poster
2beautifulkids · 15/06/2016 19:38

I was ignoring him but what I meant is I've been ignoring him all week and today the txts just got worse so I messaged him back to tell him exactly why. Ie confront him about the behaviour. I might have been a bit too nice before but the only reason I messaged back today was to be crystal clear on why I've cut him out, there will be no more!

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 15/06/2016 19:39

OP... could you please answer the question, how long has he been contacting you for? How long has he been going to your home?

I know that you've said you will not be replying/answering door anymore but historically - how long?

FlyingElbows · 15/06/2016 19:44

I remember your last thread and that must have been a while ago now. Has he been going on all this time?

snowy508601 · 15/06/2016 19:46

If you tell your friend, he will spin a line that you came onto him and he spurned you.
I would just totally detach from him

Dogolphin · 15/06/2016 19:48

I would print out all the evidence twice, once for her when you judge its the right time to show her, and one for the police in case he escalates.

2nds · 15/06/2016 19:49

This is harassment, can you go to the police instead?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 15/06/2016 19:50

The reason I'm asking is not to have a pop at you, OP, it's to try to help you think of the reasons why you've let this go on for however long it has.

I have some sympathy with that; it's perhaps not obvious to start then you don't want to offend and then it's perhaps shock when you realise the extent. You need to think of the reasons why it has taken so long a) for you to tell her and b) to get him to stop. If you don't, chances are that your friend may think you have some interest in him - or are enjoying the drama. Given that neither is the case, what reasons will you give her in answer to those two questions - because she will ask you.

It's one thing to be shot because you're a messenger, it's quite another to be shot because you have no reasons for engaging with him and she would be justifiably angry with you.

Be honest with yourself; are you absolutely certain that nothing you've done/said could be deemed as encouragement? He has your texts...

YeOldMa · 15/06/2016 19:51

I don't think this is the time to tell his wife and it sounds to me like she is going to need all the support she can get. This guy sounds like a narcissistic tw@t so he will turn everything around to blame you and probably her too. This happened with DD whose DH was texting other women. He managed to convince her that the other women were confused, he was trying to make them feel better about themselves and it wouldn't have happened if he had been happier at home. Although we tried to tell her she was being hoodwinked we were in danger of becoming alienated from her. The friend who told her is, sadly, no more a friend. We keep our mouths shut and know one day she will open her eyes but until then, we are her support system.

YeOldMa · 15/06/2016 19:52

Forgot to say, name changed as too identifiable and don't want to cause a row if my post is seen by family!

Mycraneisfixed · 15/06/2016 19:57

From your point if view the main thing is you want him to stop. You've done all you can to do this and if he continues, next step is the police. There is no need to tell his wife. What is gained by that? Why upset her? In time she'll find out what a shit he is. Then be supportive. But don't tell her. As someone else said, they always shoot the messenger.

NewLife4Me · 15/06/2016 19:58

I would just go to the police if this has been happening for some time and send a copy of all his messages to your friend.
definitely get it logged with the Police, tell your friend you have informed them og her dh harassment.

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