to tell close friend her hubby is cheating. it will break her heart. she's happy

[2beautifulkids]

I've name changed but posted some time ago about my friends husband.
She's a close friend and has recently had their dc2. He came round to my house one night and told me he was in love with me, tried to kiss me and was told to F off.

I didn't answer his calls or txts (there were lots) so he came to the house with his daughter (who tbh looked upset and like she had been forced into it ) saying that he didn't want to come round but she had been begging him to come and play with my dc. Funnily enough this was when his wife was out. After that he kept txting and calling me, banging on my door late at night wanting to "talk". There's nothing to talk about. I don't like him. I'd never in a million years do anything with him if he was single let alone married to my friend.

Today he started calling this morning and proceeded through the day (at no point did I answer). Then started txting asking what was up with me because I was usually friendly (well I am Infront of family and friends just not with him on his own).

I told him exactly why and that I didn't want contact with him. At no point have I threatened to tell his wife, I've thought about it but not done it. She's just had a baby and I don't want to hurt her or make things worse for her at home. But the worse he's getting I'm thinking I really need to. I just don't understand why I have to be the one to break her heart?? Why she deserves to have her heart broken?? She's done nothing wrong, I've done nothing wrong other than not telling her sooner but I can't see any other way anymore.

I kept messaging him today saying I didn't want to speak to him because of the things he had done and he just said that he was trying to put a smile on my face and it was nothing more than close friends talking. He sent me messages about wanting to have passionate sex with me and wanting to take me out after his divorce and when I explained to him that this isn't how people make each other smile he just kept saying he's done nothing wrong he just likes my company.

AIBU to want to tell friend now and what is the least damaging way to do this (to her). I feel like whatever I say or do it's going to come as a massive shock. She doesn't deserve this. There's a selfish bit of me wishing he had chosen someone else to try it on with aswel. Why put me in this position?

If I was the friend I'd want to know about it before the police were involved. Is it feasible to see her without him around? Could you tell her that someone at work has had a friend's husband coming on to them and making their life a misery? You could explain what they've done to get rid of him and how torn they are about whether to say anything and how it normally results in friendships ending.

Obviously she might see through this but if not the conversation might give you some idea of her feelings on what to do.

I would go the other way around.

I would go to the police without giving him warning so that he cannot perfect a story.

Tell her please. She deserves better.

Were you emotionally involved at some point?

Put yourself in the position of hearing this from your friend:

'I'm so very sorry to be the one to tell you this but your husband keeps on trying to get me to sleep with him. I tell him no but he persists, and tells me I'm beautiful and stuff'

Be really honest now. What is your gut reaction to that?

Oh God. What an awful position. Really feel for you OP and his unfortunate wife.

I think you might have to tell her. He hasn't stopped after you have been pretty clear with him.

I did have this situation once, my friends BF tried it on with me VERY forcefully. I told her. He lied to her and said that I had come on to him but didn't have sex with him as I had my period (that was the excuse I had used at the last minute when he was holding me down trying the force my clothes off-he was frightening). Anyway, long story short. She believed him.

Looking back I can't believe what a close call I had, I was so lucky to talk my way out of it.

I really think you have to tell her. I'm not sure she will believe you - but you can show her the messages and that would be crucial - also your messages to him asking him to stop.

Please tell her - this is only going to get worse I fear.

Sorry guys the neighbours woke the kids and they're not 100% settled so I'll come back and read the rest of the messages later.. Just to answer the timeline question.

It started back in May. I made my feelings entirely clear and was close to telling her then. It seemed to scare him. He backed right off.
We saw a lot of them on the first few days of this month and that's when he started calling and txting lots popping round to the house. I started being polite but brunt. Not answering the phone but sending txts back saying "busy sorry" or "mums round sorry" thinking it would make it clear he wasn't welcome. He kept coming round knocking on the door late at night and I pretended to be asleep (even when I was awake).

I'd say it's been escalating for about two weeks now four days of which we have been on holiday which has been a nice break from it but it's continued nonetheless. Although I've been blunt with not letting him in, not replying to txts or answering calls its only today I've actually threatened to tell her

I remember your original thread.

He seems to think that he has a right to you, with all this harassment, but equally, you have been quite passive about it too, which is surprising. Are you all from the same cultural background? What makes him think that he has any right to speak to you like this, and does he have this same catastrophic lack of boundaries with any other women that you know of?

When you say he is always around during the day, do you mean that he effectively supervises your contact with your close friend?

I remember your last thread about this man, which was some months ago.

Even if you don't tell his wife, you need to remove yourself 100% from the situation, because it is not going to improve, and he clearly thinks that your passivity is an indication that you like him, and will escalate things. You absolutely CAN'T relent and let him into your house again, especially at night when there is nobody around. If he does it again, you can call the police and they will send somebody around. I would be terrified if somebody was banging on my door for 15 minutes at 1am.

Thanks for replying OP, it's been going on for a while then and it looks as if you've done all you can to put him off. Now you have to tell you friend.

I would tell her as you have in your last post. Just factual. Tell her that if there was any other way you wouldn't be doing this but she has to know. He's a louse for doing this at all but to do this with her friend is even worse.

Tell her that you were at the point of going to the police about this but that you wanted to tell her first out of love and respect for her. Tell her that you will be going to the police if there's one more incident. Then just tell her that nothing has changed between the two of you and that you will always be there for her. Then stop talking and let her process what you've told her.

You are being too polite, saying 'sorry' to him is helping him to think that you want to communicate (I understand you are being polite - not having a dig) but you can't because you are too busy etc.

See if he stops now. If there is anything else from him I would nip it in the bud now and tell her.

If he knocks your door again I would call the police and make a formal complaint. There is no good way to tell your friend but if you are going to do so make sure you have copies of his messages as proof.

She deserves to know. You need to tell her. Even if you lose the friendship, it is the right thing to do to be a good friend. You wouldn't be causing her the heartache of being a single parent, he would.

"busy sorry" or "mums round sorry"
I'm sorry but that's not very blunt. That just sounds as if the time isn't convenient. He could twist those.

I think he confused "sorry" with "I can't right now but I would if I could".

I hope you are OK OP, it sounds scarily intense. I think you need to talk to her, if only to say that he has been acting out of character and you are worried about her and the DCs.

You need to tell her. Who would honestly not want to be told this. What happened when he inevitably cheats and it turns out you knew what he was like and kept quiet.

TELL HER!

I had exactly the same thing happen to me. The only difference being that they were engaged and didn't have children. This lovely lovely girl has been my best friend since I was 11 (and decades on we are still best friends despite what I'm going to say next).

I decided not to tell her as per of me thought he was joking (the hopeful part) and I also could not imagine her face if I told her. I knew she would be devestated.

He didn't leave me alone for THREE YEARS. One night they were having a row and he told her he was in love with me.

She is awesome and her reaction shows the strength of our relationship and how much she trusts me...she laughed in his face and told him good luck. Our relationship didn't suffer but I showed her all of the messages and she is so amazing that she understood why I didn't tell her and has never ever blamed me but I think I was lucky. She could easily have apportioned some of the blame at my doorstep and this might happen to you.

This happened years ago and he even text we last Valentine's Day. In the end he finally got the message but it has taken years - I'm married now.

It's horrible and it made me feel genuinely sick every time he contacted me but I truly think you should tell her. I should have. Xxx

I'd start writing down dates and times when this happened. Keep all messages.

I think I probably would tell my friend, but I'd go in with the expectation that it will end your friendship- anything else is a bonus. I think I'd tell the police before I told her, incase she confronts him and it causes his behaviour to escalate.

I was tempted to say stop replying to him, but do you think he'd see that as an invitation? Likewise, would saying something like "I don't want to see you" or "do not come here" cause him to behave even more badly? I wonder if this is something the police can advise you on.

I hope his settles for you soon.

I honestly think if you have truly shut him down and block him your duty is done. Your friendship won't survive disclosure. Why should this little nobber get to sabotage your friendship?

His wife must know at least some of his true nature. I'd say let their marriage take its natural course. The chances of her believing you and divorcing him are almost nil anyway.

Sorry it seems I'm the odd one out here but I don't like the idea of women being commanded to save other womens marriages. Their circus, their monkeys. Shut him out and let them get on with it.

Also I had known him since I was 16, as had she. We had all shared a house at a point in the past and I was still trying to spend time with her, at her house, with him there.

It's awful but it isn't your fault (remember that). You have nothing (NOTHING) to feel guilty about.

I'd be more concerned for yourself right now. It's like you are under siege, and for whatever reason you can't seem to dislocate from this man who is clearly harassing you.

You are going to have to up the anti and use firmer assertive language which so far you are not doing - for some reason. He seems to have some hold over you. I would have thought that most people would tell someone like this to fuck off. Why do you say - 'sorry - I am busy'. Are you afraid of him and don't want to upset or make him angry?

Can you still receive text messages if you block someone? 😳

And I also don't think that your friendship would survive it if she finds out down the line you kept this from her. It's better to take the risk now than to have it taken out of your hands.

Reading the replies you gave to begin with sounds a bit (to a stalker as he appears) like you would like to see him but you were too busy - you need to be downright rude and to the point because he obviously doesn't understand any other way, being the big head he appears to be

OP, He sounds like a manipulative git.

I think I would send him one last text saying something like "This is the last message I will ever send you, I do not want you to contact me ever again and if you do so I will contact the police and tell them that you have been harassing me".

Then if he does contact you again ring the Police straight away.

I feel the same way as MorrisZapp about women being made to feel that they are responsible for other women's marriages. What I meant by saying tell her is nothing at all to do with saving her marriage, that's not down to you - it's because she is your friend, your close friend.

Saving her marriage is her own and his business, not yours. If you think that you've brought this to a close finally then feel free not to tell her. You don't have to tell or not tell her.