to tell close friend her hubby is cheating. it will break her heart. she's happy

[2beautifulkids]

I've name changed but posted some time ago about my friends husband.
She's a close friend and has recently had their dc2. He came round to my house one night and told me he was in love with me, tried to kiss me and was told to F off.

I didn't answer his calls or txts (there were lots) so he came to the house with his daughter (who tbh looked upset and like she had been forced into it ) saying that he didn't want to come round but she had been begging him to come and play with my dc. Funnily enough this was when his wife was out. After that he kept txting and calling me, banging on my door late at night wanting to "talk". There's nothing to talk about. I don't like him. I'd never in a million years do anything with him if he was single let alone married to my friend.

Today he started calling this morning and proceeded through the day (at no point did I answer). Then started txting asking what was up with me because I was usually friendly (well I am Infront of family and friends just not with him on his own).

I told him exactly why and that I didn't want contact with him. At no point have I threatened to tell his wife, I've thought about it but not done it. She's just had a baby and I don't want to hurt her or make things worse for her at home. But the worse he's getting I'm thinking I really need to. I just don't understand why I have to be the one to break her heart?? Why she deserves to have her heart broken?? She's done nothing wrong, I've done nothing wrong other than not telling her sooner but I can't see any other way anymore.

I kept messaging him today saying I didn't want to speak to him because of the things he had done and he just said that he was trying to put a smile on my face and it was nothing more than close friends talking. He sent me messages about wanting to have passionate sex with me and wanting to take me out after his divorce and when I explained to him that this isn't how people make each other smile he just kept saying he's done nothing wrong he just likes my company.

AIBU to want to tell friend now and what is the least damaging way to do this (to her). I feel like whatever I say or do it's going to come as a massive shock. She doesn't deserve this. There's a selfish bit of me wishing he had chosen someone else to try it on with aswel. Why put me in this position?

Op ... Why would you ever even answer on the door late at night or on the phone with excuses .
Simple no answer and that's it . Not I am in te bath or my mum is here . It sounds more as the timing is wrong rather that he is not welcomed . Also , if he started in May his , I will call it obsession with you why not say to your friend that he stopped by at midnight or 1am after work or that he called ???
Did you actually enjoyed his attention at some point but it got out of hand ?
I am not accusing you of anything just asking .

'Did you actually enjoyed his attention at some point but it got out of hand ?
I am not accusing you of anything just asking .'

Yes I wondered that.

Gabs, there is proof.

I can recommend Gavin de Becker's "The Gift of Fear". Not only a gripping read, but will help to fine-tune your threat radar.

National Stalking Helpline.

Oh good. Victim blaming.

Omg I've only read a few of these so far and I can't believe how many people are saying I might have enjoyed this. I've had a really really busy day or two with two toddlers and not had a minute to myself but I'm just shocked.
Especially the one that says about feeling like I'm up doing my friend. This isn't some random girl (for the record I wouldn't feel like that if it was) but she's my friend. She doesn't deserve it. If I thought nothing of her I wouldn't be her friend but she's probably the friend I value the most. And I'm not even flattered because he's not attractive in any shape or form to me and he's lying to his wife. Trust me I do not enjoy any of this.

I do understand what some of you are saying though about it being so odd. I think what makes it tricky at first is that although his wife is my friend in her own right so I've been catching up with her sometimes on her own sometimes with him over the last few years.. When she had their eldest who is the same age as mine she was on Mat leave at first. Her eldest and mine would see each other every few days and her husband always came across as friendly in group situations with everyone. A little over friendly bordering on innapropriate but it was never really creepy as he was like that with everybody and always so friendly and family orientated.
When my friend went back to work after mat leave he had their dc full time in the daytime so would txt me regularly every few days about coming round to play/us going there/park/soft play ect. As far as I was aware he was like this with everyone and was treated the same as any stay at home mum so it was quite normal for him to txt to arrange things as well or pop in on his own with the kids. It's only been recently she's been on Mat leave again so for a few years he's been txting and coming round on his own (as he has with all our other mum friends) never anything innapropriate said or done.
The first thing that was out of character was when it was late at night, I don't know why I let him in. I was expecting really bad news or something. I certainly wasn't sending out signals. He looked unhappy I had no idea what he was going to say. He said he has been in love with me for years. Which is a shitty excuse/line. I knew then a massive line had been crossed and i just don't want to break her heart. Of course I'm not enjoying a minute of it. He's as sleazy as they come (or that's how I see him now anyway).

Not sure whom are you referring to when you say victim blaming MPCO?
I was just asking her a question because certainly she is not as innocent in all this .
As a real friend why she never mentioned all above she wrote before ? You know why, because probably at the beginning was probably flattering but she didn't know she is playing with fire - stalker and it did go out of control .
Id she didn't see anything wrong from beginning why not mention that to Her Friend or let it to go even a day too long .
Now her friend will e hurt and OP is hurting too on two sides . She doesn't want to hurt her friend but on another side she has what I. An only call obsessed person .

And I don't think the language or culture barrier is a huge issue. We're all white British and he's Chinese but has lived here most of his life. Although I couldn't be certain he doesn't look down on women, when their first was born he was amazing with his wife and took such great care of her, he always seemed so family orientated. That's the man she deserves. Although that's clearly not who he is if this is his idea of a life

OP I am apologising , obviously I am wrong with my conclusion.
Not a great situation and all the best .

If you have all the messages saved to show her (so he can't bullshit his way out of it) then tell her.

You'd need to explain why you didn't tell her before though.

OP well done for sticking up for yourself there.

There is nothing fucking flattering about a friend's husband showing his true colours and making a pass at you. I'm glad you've apologised since you said that troubled.

No real woman exists purely to be found attractive by men. I would be horrified if a partner of a friend told me he found me attractive, never ever would I find it flattering. It's the same level of entitlement as telling a woman she should enjoy a wolf whistle, and then most likely in the next breath call her a bitch when she ignores you.

.

I'm not excusing him here (truly) but I suppose it is possible that he has genuinely fallen in love with the OP over time ? He told her, she was (quite rightly) shocked and unsure how to react and then maybe he has just been confused by the 'sorry my mum's here' type comments and genuinely Mis-read things?

I don't know if I am making sense, but I just thought that maybe there could be some truth in what he said? In that case, if the OP is really clear that she doesn't feel that way about him, feels very uncomfortable now and would rather not spend time with him, that should work? If it doesn't he is just a letchy dick.

Purple that does not excuse his behaviour towards the OP.

At all.

I don't think there is anything wrong in asking the question - were you flattered at any point with the attention, attention that admitttedly got out of hand.

It's odd to me you see that you didn't tell him where to get off right from the start when he spoke to you in this very intimate way. I like to think in a similar situation most people would be inclined to say - fuck off you silly buggar - what you playing at!

But OP you didn't tell him straight off - so it's not illogical that some might ask if initially you were flattered. Nothing wrong with asking that question. We can all like compliment - until it gets out of hand that is.

Not rtft but surely the longer this remains a secret the worse it gets?

It already sounds dodgy and the longer your friend is kept in the dark the angrier she'll be when this comes out. And it will, so tell her while there's still something to salvage.

Just read some more...if this is at a threat to your safety then please just do something. Do not let this drag on trying to handle alone

I'm really sorry you felt you had to justify yourself here, OP.

I hope you'll take the advice about reviewing your evidence and taking it to the police. He may have been doing this for years, with any other of the mums he "fell in love" (stalkerishly) with. It is seriously intrusive behaviour, he has broken the law, and for all you know there may be other victims who've been left feeling cowed & anxious. It is all his doing, not yours and not your friend's.

Now the op has given more information my take on it now is

They were friends for years on a dropping in basis. All ok nothing particularly inappropriate.
He drops a bombshell on her that he's in love with her.
She lets him down but by trying to be gentle with him he's not clearly got the message. busy sorry" or "mums round sorry is not direct enough. It could easily be misconstued by him that it is the timing that is inconvenient.

He needs to be clearly told to leave you alone and that you will not engage in any further communication. Has he responded to your last message?

If he still persists then you need to tell her and risk losing the friendship or you block him and have no interaction whatsoever and hope that the friendship can continue.

I think the police is a bit of an over reaction at this point.

2ManySweets I started my post saying 'I'm not excusing him........'

Dowhatnow you have it spot on!

Oh he's had the message loud and clear at least once. Today has just been awful and utter confirmation of the lying selfish prick that he is. Excuse the language!

I had arranged to meet my friend this morning at soft play with one other mum. I knew I couldn't say anything today because our other friend was there but thought I'd just tap in and see how she was doing to try and get a gage for her reaction and how/when best to say something. That was the idea at least. Not planned as such but when they said this morning that that's where we were going I thought ok it will help me gage when to tell her.
I couldn't have done it today, not just because our other friend was there but she had both kids with her and she's out for a special occasion this evening so I don't want to spoil that for her either.
When I got to the soft play I saw he had come with them, I didn't know what to do. I stayed but didn't speak a word to him the entire time we were there and wouldn't go near him. It's a big place and he sat with the prams so I made sure to stay away from the table. I probably should have just gone home. I couldn't believe the cheek of it.
I made a point of staying with the other two women at all times which worked well until they came to leave. We had all been feeding the kids lunch and I was in the middle of spoon feeding my youngest with the other mum sat next to me.
Other mum and her daughter got up and went back inside to play and friend and her husband decided it was time to leave as she has this special occasion to get to, so she says bye to me and then wanders off to find other mum to say bye. I completely blanked him as he walked away very slowly and said bye.

His wife must have taken a minute or two saying bye to the other mum so he came back over and said "can I just ask you" I said "no. Don't" and he kept saying "can I just, did you mean what you said"
I had my back turned to him and he said can't I just at which point I completely lost my cool, turned around and said "I'll tell oh what if you want to ask me a question bring (my friend) back over and do it Infront of her"
He just looked at me. Said "you upset me that's all" and walked away.

I've never been so angry before. Infront of his own wife and children saying I upset him?? For what, saying leave me well alone. He doesn't care who else he's upset. I'm on a hen night tonight of another friend which I was really excited for and now I'm just angry (not usually an angry person either).

I don't want to ruin her special occasion and upset her today but I wish other people knew this is what he's doing

Well I hope he's got the message now but I think that
can I just, did you mean what you said just illustrates that he hadn't got the message clearly until your last text. Letting him down so gently gave him mixed messages. A curt "yes I did mean that you need to leave me alone" would probably have clarified things for him.

Obviously I wasn't there for context but it sounds as if you over reacted a bit to his request can I just, did you mean what you said But actually it doesn't matter. He has now got the message loud and clear and I hope that he will leave you alone now.

Wait to see whether you need to tell your friend or not. Hopefully now he will be contrite and avoid you as much as you avoid him. If that is the end of the matter you may find yourselves in an uneasy truce but you won't need to tell your friend as all that business is now finished and done with.

Tell her, honestly, tell her. She needs to know.

Wtf do what
Op he sounds like a stalker. I totally get why you were upset today as that seems deliberate. I think you have no option but to tell her and also the police. If you could speak to the police without her finding out I would do that, but if they speak to him and he says something to her it's going to be worse than if you tell her.
for you. You've done nothing wrong.

Go to the police, report his harassment and then tell her what you've done. She deserves so much better and you don't deserve to be stalked.

I agree with posters who say you should go to the police. Especially as he has been banging on your door late at night! His behaviour shows that he is clearly unbalanced. Unfortunately, he may be likely to carry on harassing you now that you have stood up to him.