Hubby watching porn

[SarahJane333]

I'm not sure why this bothers me so much but yesterday morning I took the children to school, normally this would take about 35 minutes but I decided to drop them and leave as I couldn't get parked so I arrived home 15 minutes early. Dh normally leaves for work either just before I leave for school or just after but he was still at home. He was so startled when I walked in, rushing to put his clothes on and overly chatty about how early I was. After a few minutes I told him I thought he was acting shifty and wanted to know what was going on. He said nothing, was all lovely and affectionate and left for work. He pops back in twice for different reasons, meaning he's now going to be very late for work - something which can't happen when I want a hand with the school run. I think he was hoping to get hold of the laptop to delete the search history, which I've checked and shows he was watching porn. Now is it just me or is that a really strange thing to do at that time of the morning?!

Aibu to be really hurt that I'm rushing around getting our 3 children to school plus looking after our ebf baby and he's sat at home, by himself, having a wank? Not to mention that I'm not very happy with my body at the moment but I'm still making an effort, we had sex two days ago. Plus the dishonesty, he knew I knew something was off, I asked him what was going on and he acted like I was being paranoid, which I'm not generally. Wwyd now?

VOD

I'm against you both unfortunately. I think the Internet is the most incredibly free resource of information in human history. I can't support censorship of it for legal topics. If parents don't want their children to access it then there is a wealth of free webpage blocking programmes.

I think it's a slippery slope for politicians to be making universal decisions on what is and isn't acceptable especially off legal topics.

The 'its abuse' argument convinced me. But yes, I too would like to see a starting point of restricted accessibility.

Interestingly the pro-porn people just cannot OWN the fact they get kicks from watching probably very abused women!! Just OWN IT!

Yes FFS. Own it.

If you are a porn watcher admit you have most likely viewed porn where the women in it have been abused, and you just didn't care, or you manage to forget it all about it when the horn takes over.

Stop pretending the only porn you have viewed has always been ethical. Some of you may genuinely have only watched ethical porn but I'm pretty sure not every porn watcher on this thread has.

If parents don't want their children to access it then there is a wealth of free webpage blocking programmes.

Sounds good in a perfect world. I don't want my 17 year old to be able to access violent porn. He's a bit too old for me to take the internet away from him though isn't he? Or block certain pages.

I have said it here before, my child's first experience of porn was on a friend's phone at school.

I'm going to clock out of this argument now I've said my piece.

LastGirlOnTheLeft your arguments are incredibly condescending and judgemental, you sound like a very unpleasant person. Im not 'pro porn' I'm pro not having my morality set by some prudish moron on mumsnet who has no clue how the porn industry works or the differences in types of porn available.

Rale, you said that you don't want to come across as a rape apologist. It is a rape myth that "normal" men don't rape, and that you must be mentally ill to do so. Your experience of rapists is skewed to those rapists who were unlucky enough to get convicted of rape. That is not a random sample of rapists. And of course they're going to come out with self-serving reasons as to why they did it. I'm sure they feel very sorry for themselves. Doesn't mean those reasons are true.

U2 what detrimental effects do you think viewing such contents will have had on him?

If you have raised him to be a well adjusted respectable young man he isn't going to see some sadomachistic porn (and yes violence can be consensual people) and start raping people.

Venus

Personality disorders aren't like cancer, it isn't you have it or you don't. Well all have symptoms of various PDs it's only when they affect the functionality of life that it becomes a disorder. Well adjusted people do not commit violent crimes, if someone put a million pounds on the table to kill someone would you still be able to do it? Probably not because your mentally well adjusted.

OP, I think you hit the nail on the head with the concept that while you're run ragged getting out the door for the school run - which he can't do if it'll make him late for work - and bringing your EBF littlie along while he lies back and had a wank.... I'd punch his face in! That's what's so annoying, to take you so completely for granted. Porn for men is very different to how women view it (I see no harm in it) but I damn well would if it was during such a rushed period of the day. Wanker.

It's mine

I think the real detrimental of pornography is not sexual violence but self esteem (in both genders). The best tool to combat this is proper education not censorship.

Censorship would never be effective anyway, see how quick kids crack such programmes in schools to play computer games in class.

You're incredibly ignorant, rale. You can't say that a rapist is mentally ill by definition. You have no basis for that statement other than your experience of a specific small subset of rapists. That is, as I said, a rape myth, that all rapists are monsters far removed from the average man. And it sets up a framework for justifying it. So yes, it does look a bit like rape apologism.

I wouldn't have a problem with the porn. As others have said, I think it's just a 'release' . My issue is with the fact that he's happy to let you rush around doing the school run so he can have a cheeky wank. I wonder what he would say if you suggested he do the school run tomorrow so you could stay in bed for a wank?

U2 what detrimental effects do you think viewing such contents will have had on him?

Well, I have no concerns over him becoming a rapist, no. That didn't cross my mind.

It does concern me that he hasn't had sex yet and that more and more young people are viewing porn practices that were once classed as 'hardcore' and thinking that it's just normal, it's what women want, before they have any real life experience.

I have teen boys here a lot, I have overheard conversations and some of them are quite worrying.

Being vague-ish... I know one teen who thought that fisting was a common thing to do and something women enjoy, because he watched it on a porn movie. Many women enjoy it, but it's not something you do until you kind of know what you are doing is it?

Did you read the news article recently about the amount of teen girls going to the GP with anal injuries from them thinking that anal sex was something you just do, with no preparation?

There are a lot of reasons to not want young teens to view porn, turning into a rapist isn't one of my fears :)

Venus? What basis do you have for your assertions? What experience do you have with rapists if you don't mind me saying?

Violent crime is by and large committed by people who if they dont meet the clinical standard of personality disorders have abnormally high amounts of narcissism, lack of empathy etc. I highly doubt a mentally well adjusted person would be capable of committing horrific acts of violence.

Or are you still sticking with the Disneybook black and white 'the world is full of good men and evil men' world view. It's not to say people with personality disorders don't have control over their actions, but their rationality is skewed and twisted.

U2 as I said, education not censorship is the answer.

I'm a rape survivor, so that basis, and I've done a lot of reading as it is clearly of huge personal interest to me.

Education helps. I think a lot of education and some censorship for under 18's is the best way forward.

Not everyone will have parents who will monitor internet usage for their young children unfortunately. These are the ones who would benefit the most from some censorship.

It should not be as easy to access violent and degrading porn as it is now. I see no decent argument for being against making certain types of porn harder to access. Although I'm not sure if it's even possible really?

As I said, rale, you're basing your personal opinions on your limited experience working with the specific subsection of rapists that got convicted. And swallowing their self-justifying bullshit whole. I'm not the one with the simplistic ideas, that's you.

Venus

To end this once and for all why do you think the most secure unit a prisoner can be held in (I.e serial killers) unless convicted of terrorism are called Dangerous and Servere Personality Disorder Units which are literally a prison inside a prison and typically only feature in high security Category A prisons?

Certain personality disorders such as NPD are incredibly incredibly common among extremely violent offenders.

As an explanation for the behaviour I believe it is a hell of a lot closer to the truth than 'they're just evil' or 'porn made them do it'.

Rale I am not unpleasant...far from it!! YOU are the one calling me a prudish moron, and if that isn't unpleasant then I don't know what is.

Look, I probably do come across as condescending but the fact is I DO look down on people who watch porn. These are real women you are looking at - they have dreams, hopes, ambitions, families, humanity....anyone who chooses to ignore this and treats them as an object for their titillation is really despicable I think.

I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, so I am sorry if I hurt you or anyone else. But I also don't want to lie about how I see people who watch porn and therefore contribute to this horrific industry.