Hubby watching porn

[SarahJane333]

I'm not sure why this bothers me so much but yesterday morning I took the children to school, normally this would take about 35 minutes but I decided to drop them and leave as I couldn't get parked so I arrived home 15 minutes early. Dh normally leaves for work either just before I leave for school or just after but he was still at home. He was so startled when I walked in, rushing to put his clothes on and overly chatty about how early I was. After a few minutes I told him I thought he was acting shifty and wanted to know what was going on. He said nothing, was all lovely and affectionate and left for work. He pops back in twice for different reasons, meaning he's now going to be very late for work - something which can't happen when I want a hand with the school run. I think he was hoping to get hold of the laptop to delete the search history, which I've checked and shows he was watching porn. Now is it just me or is that a really strange thing to do at that time of the morning?!

Aibu to be really hurt that I'm rushing around getting our 3 children to school plus looking after our ebf baby and he's sat at home, by himself, having a wank? Not to mention that I'm not very happy with my body at the moment but I'm still making an effort, we had sex two days ago. Plus the dishonesty, he knew I knew something was off, I asked him what was going on and he acted like I was being paranoid, which I'm not generally. Wwyd now?

Some of the opinions towards pornograph on here are a complete joke to be honest. I thought this was the 21st century.

If you was to boycott every product from an industry that has members who exploit its workforce then we would be able to buy a total of zero products.

Those primark shoes you just bought? Made by child workers in the Far East. That train you ride to work? Components made in sweatshops in China who have no health and safety protections for their workers. That electricity you just used to boil your kettle? Generated in a power station maintained by welders and pipe fitters working 60-70 hours a week in summer. And on and on and on.

It's amazing how backwards some of the thinking on here is. I full support a women's right to sell her services whatever they may include. I fully support that more should be done to raise conditions and prevent abuses in the porn industry as well as many other industries.

It's pretty easy to tell the difference between professionally produced and amateur videos as it is with movies. A rapist is not going to register a ltd company, pay taxes and rape an actress in front of a crew of at least ten. It's ridiculously naive to suggest so.

Pornograph is entirely legal, people are well within their rights to watch it. Don't watch it if your so opposed it's a free country but have a look what products you have in your kitchen made by exploited workers before you condemn others for not joining your silly little boycott.

The moral hysterics on mumsnet regarding porn are pretty silly, it resembles the sort of things parents thought of dungeons and dragons back in the 80s and 90s. No one rapes someone because they watched porn, it doesn't have magical powers to brainwash people. People rape people because they are narcissistic sociopaths who often have had bad relationships with their target group and have developed a twisted hatred for them. Porn is a cop out for rapists to use in mitigation at court to deflect blame from themselves, don't enable them.

It's not relevant to bring up "other ethical consumerism". It's an attempt to derail. And it's basically saying "well you may have used things where you are not 100% sure of the supply chain and essentially absolutely everything is exploitative in some way, so that means I can do whatever the fuck I want without having to think about it"

And no, not all rapists are "narcissistic sociopaths". Or have been treated badly by women, as you imply.

What VOD said.

It's relevant because people who buy cheap clothing from high street brands aren't seen a 'disgusting', they're just seen as not doing as much to improve our world as others. If people were as judgemental about ethical consumerism in general as they are km regards to pornography these same high street brands would be dead in the water.

Happy to berate and demonise anyone who thinks wanking over a woman who may be being coerced into having a dick shoved down her throat is an OK thing for a sensitive and thoughtful man to do......

So what is your speculation on the root causes of rapists?

I work in mental health within the judicial system. Virtually every rapist I have met meets the diagnostic criteria for various personality disorders the most common been narcissistic personality disorder.

Most of them seem to have a bitter twisted hatred at a percieved rejection by their target group.

So are you saying that it's absolutely OK for the porn industry to abuse and exploit women until
all other unethical consumerism a sorted out- and then it should stop?

BertrandRussel

Since when have been consumers been responsible for the welfare of employees within any industry? Be careful of your reply though because your likely making yourself responsible for the mistreatment of millions of people.

And the keyword here is 'may' but that's pretty inaccurate to begin with. A more accurate word would be 'possibly but unlikely' with regards to pornography in general. In regards to pornograph that is professionally produced the word would be 'incredibly unlikely'.

rale124, if you do work with rapists in a professional capacity, I'm sure you'll be aware of the work of American psychologist David Lisak. He works on the prevalence of date rape on American campuses. When he hands out questionnaires describing sexual practices which would meet the legal definition of rape, but where the descriptions omit the actual word "rape", he finds that 6% of the male students surveyed will admit to engaging in these behaviours. They are repeat rapists too, with an average number of victims of 6 a piece. Are you seriously saying that they are all mentally ill? I know it's a scarier hypothesis, but I think the evidence bears out the idea that rapists are not some sort of monster, branded by the mark of cain, but rather just a subset of ordinary men who choose to do very bad things.

About as ok as every other industry yes.

Are you this belligerent about child workers been exploited in the Far East? I doubt it.

Let me turn the question round - rather than focussing on the supposed belligerence of those who have ethical objections to pornography, how about you explain what it is you find so threatening about people who choose not to use porn? We've had people on this thread asserting that all men use porn and anyone who claims their husband does not is a deluded fool - why would people go to these lengths to claim they know better than the woman married to the man in question what his ethical standards are? Is it because once you admit that it's possible to have a marriage and sex life that work perfectly well without porn, the whole damn house of cards comes tumbling down? Suddenly it becomes obvious that it's not something people "need" (unlike clothes or food) but rather something that they choose to use.

The 'other ethical consumerism' has already been discussed.

Or alternatively its a way of pointing out the hypocrisy of people who ride around on their high horses berating and demonising others for behaviours they themselves mirror.

I don't wank off to people being exploited, ever. It gives me no sexual thrills. I am aware of where I shop. Like I said, it's hard to buy clothes and food that are completely ethically provided, not very hard to stop wanking off over people is it?

I don't get the attitude that because we sometimes have little choice in what we buy and where we may as well carry on exploiting women.

Is it because once you admit that it's possible to have a marriage and sex life that work perfectly well without porn, the whole damn house of cards comes tumbling down? Suddenly it becomes obvious that it's not something people "need" (unlike clothes or food) but rather something that they choose to use.

Nail. On head. :)

I'm aware of the study but haven't done a huge amount of research into it. Iirc he included things which met the legal definition of rape by the skin of its teeth but not the common consensus of what constitutes rape (I.e non consensual sex) such as 'have you had sex with a drunk person?'.

Going on anecdotal experience of working with offenders I'd suggest offenders who have intentionally raped someone have the level of lack of empathy (and the co-symptoms that usually exist alongside it) to meet the diagnostic criteria of certain personality disorders. No they aren't monsters in the dark, we all have symptoms of personality disorders (narcissism, paranoia, social anxiety) the only reason they aren't diagnosable disorders is because they don't affect the functionality of your life (I.e by causing you to commit violent crimes, cause your family to cut you off). It's really hard to talk rationally about sex offenders so I hope I'm not coming across as a rape apologist because I certainly do think it is a horrific crime.

lurcioagain

I have no objections to people who chose not to use porn.

I have gigantic objections to people who describe those who do as 'disgusting'. I don't believe such people who have such strong views on it don't support the criminalisation of pornography which would be hugely oppressive legalisation. I will fight that tooth and nail.

"Adult erotic/porn isnt all abuse and coercion. No, I've no idea how to tell the difference but all this 'i do not wank to women being abused!!' is all a bit silly."

But if you don't know how to tell the difference, why risk it?

Can I ask the porn supporters why?

"I can't get outraged by those that watch consenting adults have sex."

The usual question. How do you know they are consenting?

Actually, there's been a lot of insults on this thread towards those who dared to suggest that their husbands did not use porn or that not ALL MEN used porn. These have generally been along the lines of 'you are wrong/naive/making yourselves look stupid'. I consider those insults.