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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset at constantly being left out of holidays?

461 replies

NeonPegasus · 14/06/2016 14:53

DH and I have been together for five years. We have one daughter together, I already had three when we met and he has two lovely daughters as well. All the children get on well.

I haven't had a holiday for seven years. DH goes away with his mum and his daughters every year, but this year I've started to wonder why the rest of us aren't ever invited. I sometimes get a half-assed invite from his mum but I'm expected to leave my other three children (who've NEVER had a holiday) at home with family while I go, and I'm not really comfortable with doing that, it doesn't seem fair that I'm on holiday with their sister while they spend the week with my parents.

They decided they weren't going away this year. That it was easier to involve everyone if we planned lots of little days out instead, which I thought sounded like a great idea. We live in a place which is near enough to lots of attractions that we can feasibly do that without much difficulty. I was really looking forward to it.

Then, out of the blue this morning his mum decides she wants to go to Center Parcs, and she's booked it for them in August. As in her, DH and the three girls. I'm not expecting his mum to pay for everyone to go on holiday, by any means, but is it asking too much that I'm offered the choice to at least put money in so we can all go? I don't think I'd wanna shell out Center Parcs prices anyway (ouch) but I'm irrationally irked at not even being asked.

It's not like they don't all get time together, he has the girls every other weekend and they all spend that time together, he doesn't bring them to our home he takes them to his mums (he says this is a space issue, I think it may be more because his ex says he cant, I gave up asking).

I'm an emotional wreck at this time of the month anyway and we lost my ex's mum on Sunday (who I was very close to) so I can't help but think I'm just projecting my emotional state on the nearest issue that's arisen but I'm so upset over it, which is really unlike me.

OP posts:
ChicRock · 15/06/2016 11:22

It doesn't sound hopeful and the day passes for Center Parcs is an insult.

You'll see over the next few weekends how seriously he's taken your "things need to change" talk and I really hope you do stand by your comment that the current set up is untenable.

If I were you, as well as booking a holiday for August, I'd also be booking driving lessons and looking for a job.

MrEBear · 15/06/2016 11:23

FFS a day pass so you and your kids can see what they are missing out on the rest of the week?

He really doesn't get it. That is even more cruel.

Goingtobeawesome · 15/06/2016 11:23

Day passes?

That's crumbs there...SadAngry.

BristolLFR · 15/06/2016 11:24

Is it worth getting a bit of mediation? Something like relate?

If you're not confident pushing for what you need, and he details the conversation, having a third party could help provide some structure.

They might also help to hold a mirror up to his relationship with his mother. You are emotionally invested in this, whereas a counsellor type person won't be (but will very much facilitate your "side" I believe).

Well done for having the conversation in the first place, at least he can't pretend it's not an issue now.

TheVeryThing · 15/06/2016 11:25

Day passes to for you and your dds?? He really doesn't get it and I wouldn't hold out much hope that he ever will.
I second ChicRock's advice above.

BristolLFR · 15/06/2016 11:25

*derails...

HouseworkIsASin10 · 15/06/2016 11:25

OMG day passes! Tell him to get to fuck, don't lower yourself for the dregs.

iknowimcoming · 15/06/2016 11:26

Oh dear Neon, that wasn't exactly the reaction I was hoping for, and I don't think it sounds like he has any intention of changing because he clearly doesn't see the problem with your situation. I appreciate it's tough but if it were me I'd tell him next time he goes to his mums he should stay there for good, sorry Sad

Original poster
NeonPegasus · 15/06/2016 11:28

You're married to him and you don't sound like you know much about his previous relationship and the current dynamics of it.

Just seen this, feel I have to reply because I know you're right. I know next to nothing about his ex, other than that when she found out I was pregnant she shut herself in her bedroom every time he went in the house to see or collect the girls.

She has point blank refused to acknowledge my existence since the day we started seeing each other. She refuses to take his name off their mortgage. I've been told she ended the relationship because she was talking to other men online, I have no idea if that's the truth. But judging by how they seem to deal with each other, I do think that this sort of tantrum throwing and childish shutting himself away is something he thinks is normal.

Fucking hell, the more I tell you the more ridiculous I feel for still being here.

OP posts:
Original poster
NeonPegasus · 15/06/2016 11:33

ChicRock driving is also something I've started looking into today.

He's not going to stop doing this, is he? Next year will roll around and it'll happen all over again.

OP posts:
pambeesley · 15/06/2016 11:33

Honestly I could cry for you and your children.

I know this has been a scary wake up call for you, its like you always knew this but its the first time you have said it outloud and to other people and that has given you the awakening to realise what is happening in your life.

I cant imagine anything crueller than a 1 day ticket to center parcs for them to go, get a taste and then have to leave.

My DP lost his father when he was 11, in a tragic accident, his mother is reasonably well off partly because of that. I cant ever ever imagine her leaving me out let alone if I had children.

its not 2 sides. You and him and your family are a team. People need to get used to it otherwise you really aren't a team.

MrEBear · 15/06/2016 11:34

My guess is she had an issue before she started looking elsewhere.

How old are his kids?

Original poster
NeonPegasus · 15/06/2016 11:34

He's 37 and I had to sit on the landing floor and talk to him through the bathroom door last night, for fucks sake.

OP posts:
Janecc · 15/06/2016 11:35

Good for you going to Cornwall.

And as for using the excuse of his father dying 15 years on that's simply not acceptable. Whatever the circumstances. My father died when I just turned 16 and due to circumstances, my suffering was immense and unresolved for many years.

However, your DH is an adult even if he wasn't then and a father. If he's still in mourning, what about some kind of therapy?

He really has been well trained by his mother. I'm so angry for you. It sounds just like my family. The training from my mother.

iknowimcoming · 15/06/2016 11:35

Would it be possible for to make a call to a solicitor today neon? See if they can advise you of your position re divorce house etc, it might make you feel reassured about your future without your dh, and might also make your dh realise you are serious about making changes. Oh and a day pass, I'd certainly be telling him where he could stick them. I can't remember feeling this angry about someone I've never met before. Be strong Neon, you and your children deserve so much better than this Flowers

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 15/06/2016 11:35

I'm disgusted with his mother but way MORE disgusted with him that he hasn't done something about this before now, off his own bat. Utterly pathetic of him.

I am glad you've had a word, I hope it sinks in, and I hope he fucking sorts himself out where his mother is concerned.

Extrapolating wildly from what you've said, does she pull the "waaaah, you're all I have and my husband DIED" card on him and his sibling as well? Because I guess that might go some way towards explaining why they cave so much to her demands, but FFS! She can't keep doing that, they have their own lives, their own families, and she is creating a wedge in YOUR family by her disgusting behaviour (facilitated by his, don't get me wrong, he's worse).

Just wondering, because of his reaction - suggests he's picked that up from somewhere.

I'm glad you're taking your other girls on holiday at a different place. I'm sorry that your DD with him won't be there too (did I get that right? She's going with Daddy's family, not her whole family?)

But he HAS to stop this bollocks. It's truly awful. :(

Original poster
NeonPegasus · 15/06/2016 11:35

His children with his ex are 10 and 8.

OP posts:
HouseworkIsASin10 · 15/06/2016 11:35

You can't change the past, but going forward you can make a difference to all your kids childhood memories for the better.

Gazelda · 15/06/2016 11:35

He's a cock.

He doesn't get it, and doesn't want to. He has had it easy for far too long.

If you find it easier to write, then write it down for him. Bullet point the issues, the implications of each, the solution and the timeline. And, most importantly, the ramifications of him not resolving this.

When is he next due to go to his Mum's with the SDs?

Original poster
NeonPegasus · 15/06/2016 11:37

Thumb, I told him if they couldn't all go, DD wasn't to go either. If he wants to go with his mum, then I won't stop him, but all of my children are coming with me, together.

OP posts:
pambeesley · 15/06/2016 11:38

PS you can get to Torquay quite easily on the train.

If you stay near the town centre, the beach is there, plenty of shops, arcades, bowling etc. There is also good buses to visit other places.

MrEBear · 15/06/2016 11:38

Neon he could not even face you. He knows that he is being so cruel and mean is you.

RebeccaWithTheGoodHair · 15/06/2016 11:38

I don't think you're ridiculous for staying. If you love someone it's easy to make allowances for them, especially under the circs that he has been dealing with the loss of his father.

I agree with a PP that counselling could be a good way forward, just chucking someone out is much easier said than done. Presumably he is a good parent to all 3 DDs whilst he is around? And a decent partner to you the rest of the time?

DH and I went to counselling and one thing she suggested was that we did write to each other to explain how we felt and give the other time to reflect on it. This was supposed to give a chance to cool down and be able to discuss things rather than blowing up at each other in the heat of the moment. You say you find it hard to talk so perhaps that could be a good way forward.

I don't think you should beat yourself up about your previous decisions, or just to write your DH off as a bad'un and be shot with him. He obviously carries baggage and this will probably be a long-term problem. However if he can recognise it then there is something to keep working for.

I do think ultimatums have a place though and telling him you and the 3 DDs are going on holiday together at the same time as him and his DM could force the issue. Could you really rub it in and say they can come and see you for a day??!! Or just that they are both invited but you need to know now so YOU can make suitable arrangements. Presumably his DM can cancel CP and make her contribution to a joint family holiday.

Is she a horrible person generally or could you build a new relationship with her in the future once she knows your boundaries?

I'm just thinking it would be a shame and a perhaps unnecessary disruption to the lives of your three girls to break up suddenly.

GabsAlot · 15/06/2016 11:39

a day pass?

did u say again well our dd wont be going so enjoy yourself with your mother

need to make it very clear that your dd wont be going away with him but with you instead

something seriously wrong with the way he thinks

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 15/06/2016 11:40

oh good, that's better - glad you have all your DDs with you. I realise that's mildly hypocritical because now he doesn't have all his DDs with him, but fuckit, he's the one causing the problem!