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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset at constantly being left out of holidays?

461 replies

NeonPegasus · 14/06/2016 14:53

DH and I have been together for five years. We have one daughter together, I already had three when we met and he has two lovely daughters as well. All the children get on well.

I haven't had a holiday for seven years. DH goes away with his mum and his daughters every year, but this year I've started to wonder why the rest of us aren't ever invited. I sometimes get a half-assed invite from his mum but I'm expected to leave my other three children (who've NEVER had a holiday) at home with family while I go, and I'm not really comfortable with doing that, it doesn't seem fair that I'm on holiday with their sister while they spend the week with my parents.

They decided they weren't going away this year. That it was easier to involve everyone if we planned lots of little days out instead, which I thought sounded like a great idea. We live in a place which is near enough to lots of attractions that we can feasibly do that without much difficulty. I was really looking forward to it.

Then, out of the blue this morning his mum decides she wants to go to Center Parcs, and she's booked it for them in August. As in her, DH and the three girls. I'm not expecting his mum to pay for everyone to go on holiday, by any means, but is it asking too much that I'm offered the choice to at least put money in so we can all go? I don't think I'd wanna shell out Center Parcs prices anyway (ouch) but I'm irrationally irked at not even being asked.

It's not like they don't all get time together, he has the girls every other weekend and they all spend that time together, he doesn't bring them to our home he takes them to his mums (he says this is a space issue, I think it may be more because his ex says he cant, I gave up asking).

I'm an emotional wreck at this time of the month anyway and we lost my ex's mum on Sunday (who I was very close to) so I can't help but think I'm just projecting my emotional state on the nearest issue that's arisen but I'm so upset over it, which is really unlike me.

OP posts:
GabsAlot · 15/06/2016 11:41

sorry x post

iknowimcoming · 15/06/2016 11:43

A day pass ....... Sorry literally fuming about this Angry

Janecc · 15/06/2016 11:46

How about sending him your feelings in writing in an email?

You said you are better at writing. It would need to be carefully worded incase it was shown to mil. I have done this with DH from time to time as I'm not as good as him verbally - even though he's foreign! It's really worked.

On another note, the way his ex is acting dictates she's also a narcissist. So by the sounds of it, he's probably used to being dominated by women. Perhaps if you exerted more pressure on him then his mother, he would cave to you. However I don't think you want that kind of relationship either.

HisNameWasPrinceAndHeWasFunky · 15/06/2016 11:46

Keep pushing back neon.

The day pass "offer" shows just how much he absolutely does not value what you are saying to him and that this issue is to do with the relationship between DH & MIL.

Sounds like MIL is ruling the situation and he is unable to say no to her & prioritise you and his family.

iknowimcoming · 15/06/2016 11:46

And another thing, if the problem here is all the money your mil has as a result of the death of her dh and her need to spend it, then she can bloody well spend it on ALL OF YOU! I fully appreciate that she isn't obliged to pay for your kids but if the issue here is that the money is literally coming out of her ears and she needs to offload it then that's easily solved. Fuming on your behalf Angry

AllegraWho · 15/06/2016 11:48

My DP lost his Dad when he was 13. Only child, MIL was on her own for nearly 40 years after that, until her death.

I don't go out to work. I do not drive. I am not financially independent. Children - we have two between us, neither of whom is biologically related to us both.

None of this is a problem. Why ? Because we're a team, and always di, and always will, work together. We are each other's first priority.

You too deserve to be treated that way. If you were, there'd also be no issue about the treatment of any of your children, because it'd be understood that they are part of the package.

It might be possible to help him grow up, with a lot of patience and effort. Only you know if he's worth it to you.

One thing you can't do now is back down, no matter where that eventually leads to.

Have a great time in Cornwall ! Smile

redshoeblueshoe · 15/06/2016 11:53

I can't get past the day pass. I'm also shocked he is 37, but behaving like a teenager.

Aeroflotgirl · 15/06/2016 11:54

Oh my goodness neon, the more you tell us about him, the worse he gets. It is wrong for BOTH you and the dd to be treated this way, not just them. WTAF about these day passes, what a crock of S, that is a slap in the face and an insult. So you talked to him through the bathroom door, and not sat down face to face, god he is a great big manchild, ditch the couples counselling, get yourself counselling. He is beyond help, this will continue for years to come. You have the power to change your situation, forget him, he's long gone. He is not with you, but against you.

dolkapots · 15/06/2016 11:56

Sorry Neon, but I think the day passes are his way of screaming loud and clear that he does not want you all there. You are in essence the "poor cousins" and he has no remorse about this. He is allowing you all a one day pass whilst he is there for a week? Quite frankly that is rather goady to say the least.

I hope that this will be the motivator for you to do what you think is right by your children. I'm sure he has a lot of issues regarding his DF's death but that is not up to you to fix. If he wanted to do something about this unequality between the two families (as he sees it) then he could. What he is offering you is a chance to see what fun he is having and then you are being packed off to let him enjoy it. You deserve so much more.

Aeroflotgirl · 15/06/2016 11:57

I agree with Janecc write him an email of how you feel, he can read it in his own time, you won't feel flustered or anxious. Really, he has told you what he thinks of you, you not up there as you should. He has insulted you, and thrown strops. To me, he is not worth the fight, concentrate on your dds and put the effort in for them, he is a mouse, not a man.

Janecc · 15/06/2016 12:03

The feelings that he is invoking in the children and you because of his feelings towards his father are being totally disrespected. Your children's feelings, your feelings, his children's feelings are all of equal value. The children are exactly that CHILDREN and it's the parents responsibility to do your best and try not to screw up the next generation. In contrast, he was an adult when his father died. Man child man child man child.

OliviaBenson · 15/06/2016 12:03

I'd tell him to fuck off with his day passes. He really doesn't get it does he?

There is also the bigger question of seeing his dc at his mums and the bizarre Christmas arrangements.

I would write him an email about why the passes are wholly inappropriate and set out again your many areas of concern. He can't ignore it when it's all set out in black and white.

MrEBear · 15/06/2016 12:04

If you are going to write, do it on paper, marginally harder to delete. But I think you should add that a councillor is needed.

Marynary · 15/06/2016 12:05

I can see how this situation began but it has got to the point where it is ridiculous. My impression is that he doesn't like change and always goes for the easy option. At the moment he is still probably hoping you will back down but when he realises that you won't and there is no longer an easy option, he will hopefully see the light and tell his mother that she either includes all of his family or none at all.

Janecc · 15/06/2016 12:06

I would also be making big plans for Xmas that didn't include mil. Or included her in a small way. Is dh an only child?

AllegraWho · 15/06/2016 12:10

To all of you who are saying that MIL isn't obliged to pay for the children they are biologically not related to her - please think.

She is not obliged to pay for any of them.

Her children are adult, all the minirs
are grandchildren, there is no obligation there at all.

If she.wants to, out of the goodness ger gereart, to treat her family, then she treats all of them. This is what.she'd have been doing from the start if she was a decent human being.

This is what her son should have told her the very first time the offer arose.

This is how decent human beings behave. I grew up in a blended family that functioned in that way, and it would not occur to me that anything less than that is acceptable.

We all give according to our abilities, we all recieve according to our needs. We are all unique, and different, but we are all equal.

CaptainCabinet · 15/06/2016 12:14

Hi OP

Sounds like you are doing very well. I don't think your situation is irredeemable. Your DH has obviously been very accomodating to his mother and this has helped her (them) after the loss of his father.

How about something like this?

You can see that it is because of his love and compassion for his mother, he wants to help her spend quality time with her grandchildren and this is commendable on his part.

What has happened is that in prioritising this over a long period of time, he has set patterns which have continued in the long term, and these are to the detriment of his immediate family.

His mother's needs and those of his wife and children are not necessarily mutually exclusive. Though there are some things that urgently need to change.

This issue is not that his mother cannot spend time with him and his children, of course she can. The issue is that their cannot be a two tier system in operation where by certain children are excluded from time with their father/mother. And that you and DH together decide how family spend time together, planning holidays etc.

Meanwhile, you have a separate problem of the ExW dictating who their joint children can spend time with. As you are no longer prepared to segregate the children (with the joint one ping ponging between) this cannot go on. You are not prepared to hide away conveniently and clear the path for his time with his kids to be on her terms. Everyone spends time together.

Up until now, the demands of the ExW and the needs of your MIL have coincided nicely to their mutual advantage. In the new order, MIL does still get time with her grandchildren but it's balanced and not at the expense of the other children. ExW on the other hand will have to live with it.

(if any of this is not helpful, please disregard)

all the best

TattyCat · 15/06/2016 12:15

I get the impression that MIL doesn't like Op for some reason, but I could be wrong. If that is the case, then Op's DH is pacifying his mother and is feeling guilty and responsible for his mother's feelings. So wrong, but from experience, I can see how it happens...

However, I would be looking at forcing the issue and suggesting a large holiday cottage to accommodate everyone. That way, everyone can also have days out separately, doing their own thing and days can be mixed up too, doing whatever the children want to do - let them lead and they'll show you the way. If MIL doesn't agree to that then she looks wholly unreasonable (she is!) and it highlights that she's the problem.

Your DH needs to grow up - talking behind a closed door to your spouse is really quite worrying.

TattyCat · 15/06/2016 12:19

Oh, and I echo those posters who have said that MIL has replaced FIL with your DH. That can also happen. My DP would be in a similar situation if he hadn't moved a distance away from his mother - she's lovely but she's a little too physical with him and I think she'd sit cuddled on the sofa if he'd let her!

LagunaBubbles · 15/06/2016 12:25

This is so sad. Go on holiday to Cornwall with your DDs and have a good time, but youre not a single parent - you should all be holidaying together as a family. Its not just about holidays anyway - its obvious its about much more than that.

Janecc · 15/06/2016 12:29

YY to family holidays. I wouldn't be taking mil any time soon. The family needs to bond. Her presence would be a pervasive influence on this process.

NoFuchsGiven · 15/06/2016 12:33

Did your Step Daughters not attend your wedding op?

CodyKing · 15/06/2016 12:43

I also wondered if MIL had an issue with OP - do you spend time there?

.
You could all decamp to MIL every other weekend

Get him and his kids a day pass for cornwall!

Does he like spending time at his mother's? I'm not sure he does. How does he speak about her - or is it just easy and he puts up with it?

redshoeblueshoe · 15/06/2016 12:51

I also think he lied to you about the circumstances of the end of his first marriage. I expect there was a lot of tension caused by MIL and that his EXW believed they would get back together. I'd be very inclined to tell him to stay at his mums for a bit. I feel so sorry for your DC's. You need to stop this.

AllegraWho · 15/06/2016 12:53

MIL has invited OP for Christmas and holidays before, but she'd have had to leave her elder children behind.

So it's not OP she has an issue with, it's her children. I'd have a smidgeon more sympathy if it was the former. Deplorable, but personality clashes do happen.

But shunning children ? It's the pits.