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Original poster

to be upset at constantly being left out of holidays?

461 replies

NeonPegasus · 14/06/2016 14:53

DH and I have been together for five years. We have one daughter together, I already had three when we met and he has two lovely daughters as well. All the children get on well.

I haven't had a holiday for seven years. DH goes away with his mum and his daughters every year, but this year I've started to wonder why the rest of us aren't ever invited. I sometimes get a half-assed invite from his mum but I'm expected to leave my other three children (who've NEVER had a holiday) at home with family while I go, and I'm not really comfortable with doing that, it doesn't seem fair that I'm on holiday with their sister while they spend the week with my parents.

They decided they weren't going away this year. That it was easier to involve everyone if we planned lots of little days out instead, which I thought sounded like a great idea. We live in a place which is near enough to lots of attractions that we can feasibly do that without much difficulty. I was really looking forward to it.

Then, out of the blue this morning his mum decides she wants to go to Center Parcs, and she's booked it for them in August. As in her, DH and the three girls. I'm not expecting his mum to pay for everyone to go on holiday, by any means, but is it asking too much that I'm offered the choice to at least put money in so we can all go? I don't think I'd wanna shell out Center Parcs prices anyway (ouch) but I'm irrationally irked at not even being asked.

It's not like they don't all get time together, he has the girls every other weekend and they all spend that time together, he doesn't bring them to our home he takes them to his mums (he says this is a space issue, I think it may be more because his ex says he cant, I gave up asking).

I'm an emotional wreck at this time of the month anyway and we lost my ex's mum on Sunday (who I was very close to) so I can't help but think I'm just projecting my emotional state on the nearest issue that's arisen but I'm so upset over it, which is really unlike me.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 15/06/2016 07:54

I totally agree, what your MIL is doing is very wrong, she does not see you as part of the family, and is leaving you out, who invites their son and children and leaves out the wife, better not to do any holidays. Your dh is the massive problem here, for having absolutely no gumption or backbone, and supporting this, and letting MIL treat you that way. You should be first and foremost, holidaying as a family, not like this.

Isetan · 15/06/2016 08:45

Perhaps the issue here is that I'm allowing it to happen instead of putting my foot down or trying to sort it myself.

Now you're getting it, you've enabled his self interest for far too long.

For him, leaving you and your children out of 'family' holidays is the path of least resistance. Your hurt at his behaviour is simply not a high enough price, to offset his discomfort at displeasing his Mum.

If he wants to play happy families with his Mum, tell him you will give him the freedom of doing it permanently, if he doesn't change his behaviour.

ENormaSnob · 15/06/2016 08:47

Wtf?

Do you actually manage to have sex with this pathetic excuse of a man? I dont know how you even look at him tbh.

Aeroflotgirl · 15/06/2016 10:07

Op this man neither loves or respects you, he gives that to his mother. Some one who does, would not treat you like this, in such a rubbish way. Dh would not even dream of going on holiday without me, that is how it should be.

Janecc · 15/06/2016 10:12

Mummy2monkeys wow!

I imagine what m2m said happened with her DH is what is holding your DH back op. But he's got to cut the apron strings. It's really hard when you have a narcissistic parent - they wield immense power and know how to push your buttons and pull on your strings.

Lymmmummy · 15/06/2016 10:41

God - why is your DH allowing this - and why are you allowing him to allow it to happen

It's very unfair and puts you in a dreadful position regarding your other children

I think you need to make your DH aware of how you feel and that in future you don't want this to be happening again - you do have control over whether your own joint daughter goes and I would just refuse to let her join a family holiday that is not representative of her whole family eg your other children. Also quite inconvenient to dump a date on you with no prior warning!!

Also I don't know who is paying for what but CP in August would be very expensive and I dare say your DH is chipping in at least some of the costs - if you share household budgeting equally why does he think he is essentially allowed to have a lovely holiday for himself and not include you.???

Aeroflotgirl · 15/06/2016 10:41

Fab post mummy, wow your MIL had serious issues, mabey she felt sexual towards her ds, it is not uncommon to have those feelings, I read of a woman who did, but got help for it.

Lymmmummy · 15/06/2016 10:46

Oh and you at definitely not projecting issues or making it a bigger issue than it is because of your recent loss - their are sadly certain type of men who love nothing better than to devalue women's opinions by insisting they are over emotional wrecks or are not capable of rational thought or that it's simply a case of women not liking each other (eg you and current MIL)

Rationally your DH is behaving poorly by enabling this to continually happen - end of - blame lies with him - rather than th women involved

Show him the thread for a bit of perspective

Original poster
NeonPegasus · 15/06/2016 10:50

Sorry I haven't had chance to read all your replies but I will try to now I'm home from toddler group... I didn't expect so many replies!

We spoke.

I didn't shout, I didn't get angry. I simply said that I would like us, in future to be looking at planning holidays where ALL of his family are included. That I'm very unhappy with the way things (not just the holidays, but contact arrangements) are at the moment, and that I don't think I can carry on like it. We're not an optional add-on, to be included when I get the hump over it. That I'm hurt.

He sat and listened for a few minutes, then went off on a tangent about how 'if I want to blame anyone maybe I should blame Dad for getting killed and leaving Mum all this money'. It floored me, to be honest, because I never, at any point, mentioned the money. It was never about that, and I refuse to be guilt tripped because his dad had an accident 15 years ago. Of course I know they'd give up every bit of the money if it brought him back, but this isn't about that and I'm not having it turned around so I'm the one who seems unreasonable.

I told him I wasn't speaking to him until he could act like an adult. After he calmed down I said if he wanted to go away with his Mum, I couldn't stop him, but DD isn't going, and we'll book something on our own for that week. In future, holidays are to be planned BY everyone, FOR everyone, and he seems in agreement with that, but I suppose we'll see what happens...

I've made it clear that the current situation isn't tenable and things need to change. I suppose what remains now is to see whether or not any of what I said actually gets his arse in gear or not - bottom line is I decided yesterday that I can't carry on with things the way they are.

OP posts:
RabbitSaysWoof · 15/06/2016 10:52

How did it go last night op?

RabbitSaysWoof · 15/06/2016 10:55

Sorry crossed there. Good for you neon.

EveryoneElsie · 15/06/2016 10:55

So basically he reacted like a spoiled child and had a mini strop Sad

Original poster
NeonPegasus · 15/06/2016 10:56

What got me the most was that he said 'doesn't matter what I do, I can't keep both sides happy' - and that just proved my entire point, really. He sees us all as 'two sides' rather than just doing what we should be doing, which is all being together.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 15/06/2016 10:58

His reaction has said it all really, op, tbh it would be a massive dealbraker. He said those half harted promises to get you off his back, but he has already told you where you stand, its low down on the pecking order, mummy comes first. I don't think for one moment the family holiday will follow through, I personally would be sending him on his marching orders, he sounds weak, and does not respect you. He respects mummy, not you!

Enoughisenough9 · 15/06/2016 10:58

He sounds so attractive. WAAH MY DAD DIED YOU MONSTER

Aeroflotgirl · 15/06/2016 10:59

Yes, at the moment he is keeping mummy happy. Yes he is an adult now with a family, you should be up there, and your not.

Aeroflotgirl · 15/06/2016 11:00

Judging by his response, I would not count on it.

dolkapots · 15/06/2016 11:01

'if I want to blame anyone maybe I should blame Dad for getting killed and leaving Mum all this money'

His defence mechanisms are well and truly kicking in there Hmm This is HIS fault, not his dead father or even his mother (although she is clearly encouraging it)

Well done OP, keep strong and I hope this is the kick he needs to change things.

Janecc · 15/06/2016 11:04

His mother really has replaced her DH with yours.

it really isn't about taking sides. It's about doing what's right by his wife and children. She's his mother not his wife.

This is happening in my family to a certain extent with my brother and my mother. He's the golden child and she is replacing her dying husband with my him. Does what he's told and says nothing. She's a complete and controlling narcissist. It's not conducive to happy families.

IdaDown · 15/06/2016 11:08

His mum doesn't see your children (first marriage/relationship) as being part of 'her family'.

Terrible long term consequences for the relationship of the step siblings and your youngest being caught in the middle as the 'bridge' child.

Your MiL's attitude being made real by your DH's actions.

ThoraGruntwhistle · 15/06/2016 11:12

Well done for putting your point across, I hope he has heard you. It's not okay for his mother to include your youngest and not your other children, it's horrible to exclude them on the grounds they aren't blood relatives.

GabsAlot · 15/06/2016 11:12

taking sides?

well as your partner and mother to his child he shold be on your side every time-its sad his dad died but what has money got to do with anything-his um wants to spend money thats fine but it should be inclusive of all of u and he should know that

i hope it works out neon but at this point he seems to be blaming everyone but himself

Original poster
NeonPegasus · 15/06/2016 11:14

Terrible long term consequences for the relationship of the step siblings and your youngest being caught in the middle as the 'bridge' child.

This is what I was trying to explain to him last night - I can deal with letting myself be treated like a second class citizen, but I cannot and will not allow there to be a divide between my children. It isn't fair on them.

It's just very, very difficult to have a proper talk with someone who's automatic defence is to cry and bring up his dad (I totally understand what happened was horrific for everyone, but his dad dying is nothing to do with what we're discussing now, and it should never have been brought into it).

I'm not a very good talker anyway, I don't communicate very well and I'm much more comfortable writing things than I am saying them, so even sitting down and talking like that was a massive thing for me. I expected a bit more response and a bit more... fight, I suppose, because I'd basically just told him 'we sort it, or I go'. Perhaps he wants me to go.

OP posts:
Original poster
NeonPegasus · 15/06/2016 11:18

Oh, I've just been told he'll sort out day passes to Center Parcs so me and all the kids can join them for a day. Not sure if it's a peace offering because he feels guilty, or an attempt to shut me up. Feels like the latter.

Not that it matters, we won't be home anyway, we'll be in Cornwall.

OP posts:
wannabestressfree · 15/06/2016 11:22

That would be cruel anyway.... let you all go for the day but you have to go home :/ nice.....