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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset at constantly being left out of holidays?

461 replies

NeonPegasus · 14/06/2016 14:53

DH and I have been together for five years. We have one daughter together, I already had three when we met and he has two lovely daughters as well. All the children get on well.

I haven't had a holiday for seven years. DH goes away with his mum and his daughters every year, but this year I've started to wonder why the rest of us aren't ever invited. I sometimes get a half-assed invite from his mum but I'm expected to leave my other three children (who've NEVER had a holiday) at home with family while I go, and I'm not really comfortable with doing that, it doesn't seem fair that I'm on holiday with their sister while they spend the week with my parents.

They decided they weren't going away this year. That it was easier to involve everyone if we planned lots of little days out instead, which I thought sounded like a great idea. We live in a place which is near enough to lots of attractions that we can feasibly do that without much difficulty. I was really looking forward to it.

Then, out of the blue this morning his mum decides she wants to go to Center Parcs, and she's booked it for them in August. As in her, DH and the three girls. I'm not expecting his mum to pay for everyone to go on holiday, by any means, but is it asking too much that I'm offered the choice to at least put money in so we can all go? I don't think I'd wanna shell out Center Parcs prices anyway (ouch) but I'm irrationally irked at not even being asked.

It's not like they don't all get time together, he has the girls every other weekend and they all spend that time together, he doesn't bring them to our home he takes them to his mums (he says this is a space issue, I think it may be more because his ex says he cant, I gave up asking).

I'm an emotional wreck at this time of the month anyway and we lost my ex's mum on Sunday (who I was very close to) so I can't help but think I'm just projecting my emotional state on the nearest issue that's arisen but I'm so upset over it, which is really unlike me.

OP posts:
milkyface · 14/06/2016 21:25

Sorry op but he sounds like an arsehole.

Why are 'his kids' getting treated superior?!

All you're kids should get the same treatment, his, yours and the Dd you have together.

How on earth have you put up with this for 5 years?!

It's completely unfair on you and your children and it doesn't sound like the children even have time together to build their relationship.

I'd be telling him either you all go, or he goes and comes back to the locks changed and his stuff at his mothers.

His behaviour and attitude is revolting.

Aeroflotgirl · 14/06/2016 21:26

He does not have your back and is supporting you, he is happy that you are being left out, just as he's alright Jack.

AllegraWho · 14/06/2016 21:29

A SAHP does contribute. Childcare for 4 children alone can more than eat up any earnings that parent might bring in if they went out to work.

SirChenjin · 14/06/2016 21:30

Oh that's bad Sad

Sparkletastic · 14/06/2016 21:35

Only 1 child is theirs together. I think it is disingenuous to think that money might not be an issue. I'm only suggesting a possible reason, just as others are trying to, based on what OP has said. I'm not saying that it is fair or right - it absolutely isn't - just that finances could be a factor.

Otherwise he sees OP and her children as of lesser importance.

Either way OP needs to know what her options are in the future and ideally achieve some level of financial independence that doesn't depend on a man who treats her unfairly.

TendonQueen · 14/06/2016 21:35

There's a few things I would want to do about this, but the very first one would be to book whatever holiday I could afford (caravan, whatever) for me and allmy kids including the youngest. I think this is what you should do, and when your H reminds you of the CentreParcs booking you can say 'I have not had a holiday in seven years and no one seems bothered. That's going to change. My oldest daughters haven't had one either. And I've never been on holiday with my youngest. So I am taking all my kids on holiday. What you and your mother do is up to you'.

blowmybarnacles · 14/06/2016 21:39

YANBU.

He spends every other Christmas with his mum and his kids at hers ?

Every other weekend with his mum and his kids?

Holidays with his mum and his kids.

FFS Shock [shock Shock

His main family is not with you, it is him mum and his kids.

RubbishMantra · 14/06/2016 21:44

The whole thing just strikes me as odd. Planning holidays with his mother, not his wife? And excluding your own biological children, including the child you have together. Confused

I'd be having a serious discussion with DH. He's married to you, not his mother.

Pearlman · 14/06/2016 21:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CodyKing · 14/06/2016 21:53

Their joint plan was days out together -

DH had a better offer from DM and included only his DC

It could've included his wife if she left her DC with her own parents

DH did not step up and tell DM their joint plans - which included all the children -

I'm sure DH will have a great time while DM parents his kids for a week

Nothing to do with money - everything to do with DH preferring a cosy jolly with mummy

Cantstopeatingchocolate · 14/06/2016 22:08

Your MIL sounds awful but she didn't have a say in her son accepting 3 new children in his life. BUT he knew what he was getting when you got together. He gained 3 new daughters and he should treat them as his own. If he was incapable of doing this he shouldn't have started (or continued) down this path.
He never brings his 2 children to your home, you think it might be down to his ex but you don't know. 5 years down the line, you should at least KNOW. You're married to him and you don't sound like you know much about his previous relationship and the current dynamics of it.
Long chat needed I think.

GabsAlot · 14/06/2016 22:15

completely missing the point nowhere has op said her dh brings up the fact she doesnt earn and so what if she doesnt does that entitle him to just swan off with his mother on holidays

Janecc · 14/06/2016 23:03

Exactly Gabs. It doesn't.

dulcefarniente · 14/06/2016 23:08

There's something seriously wrong with your dh's priorities.It's almost as if your relationship is that of his ex not his current dw. You haven't said whether the insistence that his older children spend their contact at MILs is down to his ex, your MIL or the dcs. Are you viewed as responsible for the end of his first marriage?

I hope you manage to reach a solution that works for you and your dcs. You can't continue like this.

JessicaRabbit3 · 14/06/2016 23:17

It makes me wonder if this is why his ex left. Often stuff like this carrys on from one relationship to another. I would imagine she was pushed out aswell. There's definitely a pattern to this behaviour.

My ex's family were vile they would excluded myself and exmil SIL from the family group photo but have my DS in whilst I watched. They would try to exclude partners dispite there being children involved. Personally OP I would let them get on with it. I so wish I never put up with exs mother shit and him enabling her to carry on the way she did. It's uprising how vile some mothers can be always seems to be with their sons partners. It's as if they feel threatened by another woman.

Inertia · 14/06/2016 23:33

Your husband is either utterly clueless about how harmful this divisive behaviour is for your family, or he's so spineless that he'd rather have his wife and children miss out than say no to his mother, or he's being deliberately nasty in treating you and your children as less worthy. I'm stunned that you've tolerated it for this long.

If he's doing it for an easy life, then you need to stop enabling it and make it harder for him to appease you than to appease his mother.

Blu · 15/06/2016 00:47

I hope your discussion went well, Neon.

Right: what are your terms and conditions?
Christmas: in your own home, MIL welcome, your DSD's invited.
His access: at your home, every 3 months they can stay with granny, but he stays at home
Holidays: all or none.

Is MIL

Blu · 15/06/2016 01:00

Sorry. Is MIL behind him spending access w/ends at her house, or had he done that off his own bat?

The whole thing will give a seriously skewed view to your 3 yo: taken away by Daddy to her 'other' family. Family hol with Daddy, but Mummy left behind.

Hope all this becomes clear to him in your nvggf

Blu · 15/06/2016 01:03

It's horrible for his 2 girls, too. I bet they feel like outsiders from your family : they are! Kept at bay , at MILS, not allowed into the family home with half and step siblings.

He HAS to sort this!

LongChalk · 15/06/2016 01:32

I'm gobsmacked at this. Do not allow him to take your youngest DD away in August. That's a smack in the face for her older sisters. You are creating a rift there. Is that what you want? Do you want your older girls to resent your younger one? Do you want them to see you as enabling your husband to treat them like shit?

DH and I know a guy who has a 14yr old DD with his ex partner. His partner went on to have another DD (12) with another guy. The other guy has no interest in or contact with his child. Our friend takes his DD for contact and days out and on holiday. He takes the younger girl on these days and on the holiday too even though she is not his child. His generosity of spirit in this has always amazed me. The one time I talked to him about it he said that he primarily did it for his DD. So she could share fun memories with her sister and grow up with as close a relationship to her sister as possible. But then he said the younger girl didn't have a father and he could either allow that child to grow up without that whilst seeing her sister experience it or he could become her father figure to a certain extent. DH and I just think it's a bloody amazing thing to have done and what a difference he has surely made not only to the younger girl's life to the wellbeing of his own DD.
Op, your daughters, all of them, deserve better than this.

mummyto2monkeys · 15/06/2016 02:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheVeganVagina · 15/06/2016 02:27

Well said!

Tattieboggle · 15/06/2016 03:33

Mummyto2monkeys - jeez, you really are quite something. Wine

Esspee · 15/06/2016 05:55

Hardly awake and I am checking for an update from OP. I so hope you have taken control Neon. Fingers crossed for you.

Becky546 · 15/06/2016 07:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.